The Concept Of Fear

What is fear, someone might ask. Some people believe that fear is a defenωe mechanism, showing us that the path we walk is wrong. Others claim that fear is a weakness of our brain, making us vulnerable to attacks in a physical and emotional level. My belief is kinda different. I believe that everything is a matter of perspective. Fear is something like yin and yang. We need it and we don't. Fear own us  and we own fear. The thing is that, fear can destroy us but we cannot destroy fear. Every single human being walking this planet called earth has a fear. Nobody is fearless and immune and this is totally fine. However our perspective in fear are distorted. Everyone and everything is afraid of something but we never stop and try to think about what others fear, we only think about what we fear. We are afraid of spiders. Maybe spiders are scared too. We are afraid to love, to laugh and live life. Why are we afraid?  Is it because we are scared of the blurry future that unravels in front of us? Maybe it is because we are actually afraid of love and smiles. Everyone has issues and fears. Love, life, smiles, death and much more. I am afraid of love too. I've tried to search so hard why I am so scared

. All these years I've searched and searched but a solution was nowhere to be found. Until now. Until today. "Why is everyone afraid of love"? I thought. It's not because we are scared of the concept of love. We are scared of being rejected. We are not afraid of people because they scare us. We are afraid that nobody will like us. When something is gone, we cannot accept the fact that it is gone. This is what actually scares us. The fact that it is gone or that we cannot let go is irrelevant. That's what really hurts our heart. Then we need to try again and love again and we are scared once again. Scared that we will get hurt for the exact same reason as the last time. Chained and doomed to relive the past again and again. Mistakes and errors, rights and wrongs in an endless neverending loop without escape. All in the name of fear. There are people of course that have a condition called ''Hypophobia'' which is the absense of fear. They are completely fearless and this can contribute to some devastating and extremely bad decisions. Me on the other hand, I was always afraid. Afraid of change, commitment, betrayal and I was always and I still try to over think every single step I take in my life. Fear is a thing that brings back your survival insticts. It has to do with survival even though it doesnt seem like a useful feeling. When we are scared of something that appears as innocent, when we have this feeling of something bad is going to happen if we choose this or that then we are probably right. The bad side of this scenario is that sometimes you have to be wrong to live what you want. I was quite scared when I decided to leave my country and come to the UK and study what I always wanted to study, which is law. Yet I did it and even though I am struggling currently, I do not regret my decision. As one grows up, more phobias develop through the years. More phobias means more obstacles and more obstacles means that we need to find the strength and a way to overcome them. That fine too. This is what makes us develop to something greater. This is exactly what unlocks our potential to reach and break our limits and stand on top of things.

What happens when fear gets in the way of love? If love exists of course. What happens when you are swept off your feet by someone but too scared to tell him or her? When your mind is frozen and trapped in the fear of rejection and risk. It seems like there is no way out but things are quite simple. You just have to go and reject these phobias. Yolo might be an annoying phrase but it is actually true. If we live in fear of rejection and risk, we cannot move forward and that's bad. Like, really bad. I'm not saying that everything has to be like that of course. Yet, sometimes we do not need our brain. We need our hearts. If you feel that the specifc person is your puzzle piece that has been missing all this time then go for it. Try your luck. Try to make it happen. Some feelings with a dose of realism will make you overcome the fear yet make you not have so many expectations. Maybe it will work, maybe it wont. Both are fine. We regret 100% of things we don't do and we miss 100% of the shots we do not make. So, go for it. At the end of the day, if you fail at least you tried. You may discover new things about your self and your limits. You will definitely feel good even if it feels bad for some time. Rejection can be hard but knowing deep inside you that it might work out and never doing it is worse.

As Nelson Mandela said ''I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not the one who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers fear''.

Unrequited love

And here I am again in the same place where I began, looking beneath my ashes.Well, you see my dear I didn't know that  you would come so suddenly and tear me apart. I can't say that you are one of a kind because you aren't, you aren't anything special or so unique. When i first met you you didn't take my breath, I didn't feel the butterflies like I used to before with others, but for some reason you grew inside me. You made yourself something like a necessity for me and I kinda hate that. But you know, this is who I am.. a little weirdo  fighting my feelings,killing them before they root inside me.

I first met you on a particular night that i fail to remember or I don't want to remember because I don't want to make you appear special. It wasn't magical, oh my darling, it was far from that. Anyway... I thought that you could put up with my darkness. I thought that you could make it go away with your shiny shitty armor. How wrong I was for one more time. I know what we had decided, no string attached, no everyday connection or the "Goodmornings". Just sex and going out to have fun. I know, I was there. I also said yes and i won't deny it. But as the days went by us I saw who you are. I saw your tender affection for me and for one moment I thought "Why not? Maybe we can be happy  together. I see something here, something for me". Everyone that saw us together thought so to. Apparently, everyone made the same mistake.

You know I started to wait for our meeting eagerly, I was so impatient. But the joke was on me, I started falling for you and for once more the feel wasn't mutual. I am so exhausted from this kind of shit. Everyday I am fighting with my feelings, with my impulse of calling you something special like "my love" in fear of you telling me that we aren't there. Well, my love... my sweet love.. they say that if you want to live for ever then a writer should fall in love with you.. i couldn't agree more. Maybe I don't deserve to be loved. My babe I am not a saint, I have made great sins in the name of love and you could be one more sin for me. You know I wanted you to be my light. I wanted you to be the reason of my smile. I was so wrong... I can't believe that i was tricked again. You stated that we are together but not really together. Back then, i didn't know what was coming.. I was dead inside and because of you I started to feel again. But as i said it wasn't mutual.. maybe you can't stand my presence nearby and maybe the thought of feeling something more for me is disturbing for you and  sadly I can't change a thing. Don't worry my darling, you aren'the first or the last one that uses me..and it's ok. I am paying for my sins and for my ability to fall in love with guys like you... with guys that never stay..

Έκανες την τελεία μου κόμμα και το κόμμα τελεία

Εδώ και μέρες βασανιζομουν από τον ίδιο και  ίδιο εφιάλτη. Κάθε βράδυ το ίδιο μοτίβο, αϋπνία και μετά αναγκαστικά ύπνος..και μετά ο ίδιος εφιάλτης που μου τριβελιζει την ψυχή  και με κάνει να πετάγομαι ιδρωμένη από τον υποτιθέμενο ύπνο μου..και μετά περιμενω καρτερικά να ξημερώσει για να πάω από την αρχή την πανομοιότυπη καθημερινότητα μου. Καθε βράδυ από τότε που έβαλα την τελεία μου, σε βλέπω να φεύγεις στα ξαφνικά από κοντά μου και εγώ μετά σε ψάχνω και φωνάζω το όνομα σου. Πάντα λίγο πριν σε βρω ξυπναω, λίγο πριν προλάβω να σε αγγίξω ξυπνάω και συνεχίζεται η πανομοιότυπη καθημερινότητα μου. Ζω μηχανικά, σαν ενα καλοκουρδισμενο ρομποτ. Βγαίνω και στα σωστά σημεία γελάω, μπορεί να πετάξω και δύο τρεις αστείες ατάκες για να ντυσω την κενότητα και ολο αυτο το τρομαχτικό σκοτάδι που κρύβεται καλά μέσα μου. Έχω εκπαιδεύσει τόσο καλά τον εαυτό μου που κάνεις δεν μπορεί να καταλάβει... Έχω γίνει τόσο καλή ηθοποιός που εχω πείσει και τον εαυτό μου πως έτσι είναι τα πράγματα, πως είμαι χαρούμενη.. Κανείς δεν ξέρει την πληγή που μου έχεις κάνει. Κανείς δεν θα μάθει το πόσο καλά έχεις ριζώσει μέσα μου και την αγωνιωδη αναζητηση κάποιου που να σου μοιαζει για να μπορώ να ξεγελάω τον εαυτό μου. Σε ψαχνω παντού, όλα μέσα μου σε φωνάζουν...

Ξέρεις κάθε βράδυ μαζεύω τα κομμάτια μου και τα στριμωχνω πρόχειρα το ένα δίπλα και πάνω στο άλλο κρύβοντας επιμελώς τα κομμάτια που σε ζητάνε ακόμα στο πιο σκοτεινό και απρόσιτο συρταρακι του μυαλού μου για να μην δραπετεψουν, μάταια όμως γιατί καθε πρωί τα βρίσκω όλα πάλι γκρεμισμενα. Σκορπισμένα γυαλιά που ματώνουν τα χέρια μου όταν προσπαθώ να τα κολλήσω ξανά το βράδυ, γυαλιά που ανοίγουν ξανά και ξανά τις ίδιες πληγές. Είναι αστείο το ολο πράγμα σκέφτομαι κάθε μέρα. Πως το κάνω αυτό στον εαυτό μου εγώ που βροντοφωναζω στους φίλους μου ότι δεν αξίζει να γυρνάς πίσω σε τέτοια άτομα; Ουδείς αναντικατάστατος και άλλα τέτοια.. Και τότε αποφάσισες να πεταχτείς ξανά από τις σκιές που είχες κρυφτεί την στιγμή που τις είχα αφήσει πίσω μου και έκανα βήματα στο αύριο μου που με περίμενε.

Ένα μήνυμα σου ήταν αρκετό για να με τραβήξει πάλι πίσω, να με γυρίσει μέρες πίσω. Είχα συνηθίσει την απουσία σου.. τα δευτερόλεπτα είχα γίνει λεπτά, τα λεπτά ώρες, μέρες, μήνας. Δεν ήμουν ολοκληρωμένη ήμουν όμως χαρούμενη.. είχες αρχίσει να μην καταλαμβανεις τόσο μεγάλο μέρος της καθημερινότητας μου.. Ξέρεις ανάσα μου λίγο πριν εμφανιστεις ξανά, πίστευα ότι ήμουν έτοιμη να ξαναερωτευτω.. Ανάσα μου.. τι λέω δεν είσαι πια η ανάσα μου.. Η ανάσα μου δεν θα με έβαζε ποτέ να υπομενω τις ξαφνικές εξαφανίσεις σου, θα με έπαιρνε αγκαλιά όταν φοβόμουν και θα μου γιατρευε τον πόνο. Εμφανίστηκες πάλι στα ξαφνικά και ακριβώς θα εξαφανιστεις ξανά και για αυτό δεν σου έδωσα το "σ' αγαπώ" μου. Δεν φαντάζεσαι πως ένιωθα στο άκουσμα της φωνής σου, πόσο πολύ ήθελα να σου φωνάξω ότι σε αγαπάω πάρα πολύ και εγώ και έπειτα να χωθώ στην αγκαλιά σου και να χαθώ. Μα τι λέω πάλι.. άρχισα να παραλογιζομαι.. Ήρθες και έκανες την τελεία μου κομμα και το κόμμα ξανά τέλεια. Και τα δευτερολεπτα θα ξαναγίνουν λεπτά και τα λεπτά ώρες, μέρες, μήνες και η ζωή θα συνεχιστεί μακριά σου. Θα αγαπιόμαστε και θα αγαπιόμαστε πολύ από μακριά όμως γιατί αυτή είναι η κατάρα μας, γιατί έτσι το θέλεις.. Δεν θα σου πω αντίο γιατι παντα έχεις το συνήθειο να επανεμφανιζεσαι στην ζωή μου. Θα σου πω ένα θα τα ξαναπούμε κάποια στιγμή και θα προσπαθήσω να αμπαρωσω άτσαλα την τρύπα που μου άνοιξες..

Introduction to (Love) Me IV

There comes a time in someone's  life where you look back at your decisions and just, just stare back at them. You look at them and try to find out your wrongs and rights. Even though I would love to talk about the rights, I prefer to talk about the wrongs right now. If there was a cinema which only you could access and the only movie on the screen was your life, would you sit back, relax with some popcorn and watch the highlights or would you prefer to burn the film and never look back? That was the question that came in my mind this afrenoon. I hate my brain sometimes. It's like it wants to make me depressed on puprose. What is the biggest mistake you have ever done it asked me, that voice in the back of my mind. A messaged popped up on my laptop screen. It was a screenshot of a familiar webpage I could not recall. I clicked on the screenshot and saw a warning sign of an old website. It was something like MSN, you know the pc messaging app we had when we were younger. The only difference between MSN and that website was that the website let you use avatars. Like, customize yourself in a cartoony way and chat with people all over the world. The sign was a notice of shut down. The administrators were shuting down the site. At first I started laughing and then suddenly a chilly feeling of sadness went through me.

The website I met that girl just closed. Damn it. I didn't know what to say. What is the biggest mistake you have ever done, the voice whispered again. Damn it. Damn it again and again. It's just a website and I don't know why the fact that it's closing makes me feel sad. The worst thing was that the screenshot was coming from her. Why would she send me that after all these years. I just found out randomly while surfing the internet she said. Ι don't know if I believe her or not or even better, I don't want to believe her. Not that it mattered anyway. Nothing matters when everything dies in a relationship. Well it didn't exactly died from old age to be honest. More like, I killed that relationship. Mostly because I was immature and she was not. 

I was 16 if I recall correctly. So, I found out this cool at that moment website that everyone was logging in as cartoony avatars and I wanted to try too. I created an account, customized my avatar's appearance and logged in the ''game''. It was a great experience, having all these strangers on my screen of my old computer, with the shitty internet connection. Being able to talk to everybody from the U.S.A to China. My small childish mind couldn't comprehend what a great technological advancement that was. My small childish mind was also really attracted to black hair for some reason. I know, it sounds stupid being attracted to a digital avatar but come on, cut me some slack it was the 90's and I was 16 and antisocial as hell. That where I met her. Where are you from I asked. I'm from Greece, she replied. Look at that I thought to myself, we are both from Greece. As time passed by, we were talking by e-mail, on the website I am talking about and on the phone. It was weird that something so trivial such as a game that was made for socializing brought two people so close. She had a really smooth voice and her giggle was fucking adorable. After a while I decided to tell her if she wanted to go out on a date with me. She said yes and I was quite excited. I took the subway, put on my best smile and went on a journey of a lifetime. I saw her from far away. She is bloody beautiful, I told myself. I went closer and introduced myself properly to her and she did the same. Hi again, she said, my name is K. Nice to meet you, I replied. Lets grab some coffee. We went on a nice coffee place and stared at each other for a minute. Not from awkwardness but from love. Then we started talking, talking about the game and what we like abou it. Our coffee cups were almost empty and we were thinking about leaving and suddenly we felt this urge to kiss each other. We were both innocent childern then so kissing actually meant that we are in a relationship.

A whole year passed and it was a damn good one. Everyday I would travel for an hour to go and see her, just for a cup of coffee at our very own spot. The coffee shop we went on our first date. Just for an hour or two and sometimes for 30 minutes or so. I didn't care if I was exhausted in the end of the day. I was just happy I got the chance to see her. Then a girl from my past came back and by past I mean the pathetic love life I could have as an antisocial 16 year old.  I thought I was in love with that girl from the past but obviously I wasn't. Mostly because I was a kid. K was different though. Too bad I could not see that. So, I left K and went back to my past. That was kinda stupid and selfish. I got so much love and I wasted everything for some meaningless girl I was in a relationship before  I was 16. Everyone could see that this girl was gonna leave again, everyone except me and my small, childish mind. After 2 months she actually left me and as an idiot I went crawling back to K, who was still in love with me. It wasn't the same. The glass was broken and it could not be reforged again. On the other hand maybe I saw it that way because she was trying her best to make me fall in love with her. Another year passed and then we broke up for good. I was even stupid enough to ask her if she wanted to keep talking as friends and she was even more stupid to say yes. Of course we couldn't talk as friends because I was really attracted to her and she was in love with me. We started texting each other everyday and talking like a couple again even though I didn't want a relationship with her. Days and months passed and one day we had a fight for something I can't even remember but I am sure I was wrong anyway and we stopped talking completely. Yet, after some time she messaged me on my birthday to see how I am doing. We started talking again and I asked her if she wanted to grab a cup of coffee at the usual spot like the old days. She told me that the coffee shop closed a long ago but we could go to a party at a lounge bar. I immediately said yes. I wanted to right my wrongs, I was desperate for her attention. We met and I felt like the first time I saw her. We had some glasses of vodka and then I had to carry her home because her legs were so weak from the dancing that she couldn't walk. She was always so fragile and that's what I really liked about her. She was someone who relied on me and I loved to protect her. These where my thoughts after 2 years not seeing her. My eyes were full of guilt. I don't know if she could see that or not. When we arrived at her house our eyes met and we were staring at each other again. Like the first time. I thought I could see sparks coming out from our eyes. Closer and closer we came, I could almost feel her breath. Have a good night, she said and she broke eye contact, giving an end to the staring competition. Sleep tight, I replied and turned my back with my head down as I started walking away.
''What is the biggest mistake you have ever done'', the voice whispered.

I just told you, I replied.

Lost?

So, you know those people, who have it all figured out. What they want to do, how they're going to do it, all before the tender path to adulthood? The ones who finished school and go to Uni and have a plan? Yeah I'm not one of them! Figures anyway. It didn't come as that much of surprise that I would give up precious years and even more precious money to secure an education i didn't even want. Academia, being a student, a time in your life that is supposed to be fun and carefree, creative and memorable. Yeah that's shit. Constantly stressed and drawing in work, broke and miserable is more realistic. True, it works for some. Some are cut out to be great at it, some thrive under the weight of expectations, push through the stress of sleepless nights, some don't drown in endless hours of reading. For some a chance at higher education is a dream come true. For me? A living nightmare. Call me selfish and unappreciative if you may, because I may be. But a three years buried under work I don't like doing, reading for others, writing for others, it didn't appeal to me. Try as I may, I couldn't make myself like it. They say academia isn't for everyone and sure enough I second that. It isn't. And it's good to accept what isn't and let go, but what happens then? When you 'throw away' an opportunity others would kill for, and opportunity that would open doors professionally, what happens then?
Why is it absolutely necessary that you know exactly what you want from life as soon as you get out of school? Why do people always have expectations from you? They keep saying you're young, you have time to figure things out, you have time to have fun, now is the time to live your life. And a second later? You're to old to still be aimless in life. You have to know what you want. Kind of juxtaposed ideas don't you think?
How can you be carefree and full of dreams and at the same time committed and sure if what you want? Isn't this our time to make mistakes? Isn't it our time to make decisions? Isn't this our life to live it as we please? I want to live a life that's full, full of rights and wrongs, full of romance and heartbrake, full of tears of sadness and happiness. Not a blunt cut out 9 to 5. I want a life not a slow death. I don't want to fear fearlessness. A total oxymoron I know.
I may be feeling a little lost as to what career I want to follow, or where I want to live. But that doesn't mean I don't know what I want from life. I want to be free! Free to take the paths I please, even if they lead me to dark roads. I want to see the world, dance under the Eifel Tower, see the sunset on a beach in Barcelona, rock climbing in Lisbon. Helping the helpless in Latin America. Seeing the view from the top of Machu Ptchu. I want to meet all the wrong men, and then maybe a few right ones. Get pissed out of my mind with my friends, make a spectacle of ourselves only to laugh it of the next day. I want to make memories worth remembering, grow form my mistakes, learn from my past.
Oscar Wilds famous words are a motto to me, 'The rarest thing in the world is to live. Most people just exist'. I don't want to simply exist. I belive that everything in life happens for a reason. I believe every mistake, every romantic disappointment, every road we have taken so far, has made us who we are. We're all just looking to find our place in the world. To find our goal in life. We're all just trying to find our own voice. And sometimes it takes longer, and sometimes, it's harder to express it than we thought it might be.  But all we can do is try. All we can do is move on, live on, search on.
I may be lost, but my path will take me somewhere. I may not have a plan, but I have dreams.  As for goals? My goal is simple.  Live, don't exist! And live I shall, and people can expect all they want. I can't give what I don't have!
Lost as Alice, mad as the Hatter! As Lewis Carol wittily said, when you don't know where you're going. Any road will take you there! Any road will take me there. It's not a crossroads full of hard decisions. It's a journey full of adventures. Take a breath, close your eyes, smile and  let your heart guide you where it may!