I should have known it once again, there is no better way for me to speak then through my fingers.. I should have written from the start.. But I shall start ,not with my own words, but with words written a long time ago..
Can our love persist otherwise than through sacrifices, than by not
demanding everything? Canst thou change it, that thou are not entirely
mine, I not entirely thine? Oh, God, look into beautiful Nature and
compose your mind to the inevitable. Love demands everything and is
quite right, so it is for me with you, for you with me — only you forget
so easily, that I must live for you and for me — were we quite united,
you would notice this painful feeling as little as I should . . .
. . . We shall probably soon meet, even today I cannot communicate my
remarks to you, which during these days I made about my life — were our
hearts close together, I should probably not make any such remarks. My
bosom is full, to tell you much — there are moments when I find that
speech is nothing at all. Brighten up — remain my true and only
treasure, my all, as I to you. The rest the gods must send, what must be
for us and shall.
Even in bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved, here and
there joyfully, then again sadly, awaiting from Fate, whether it will
listen to us.
Yes, I have determined to wander about for so long far away, until I
can fly into your arms and call myself quite at home with you. You will get over it all the more as you know my faithfulness
to you; never another one can own my heart, never — never! O God, why
must one go away from what one loves so. Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest
at the same time. At my actual age I should need some continuity,
sameness of life — can that exist under our circumstances? Angel, be calm — love me — today — yesterday.
What longing in tears for you — You — my Life — my All — farewell. Oh, go on loving me — never doubt the faithfullest heart
Of your beloved
L
Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.
( Ludwig van Beethoven.. )
Words of such sentiment, you could dare too describe them as overly romantic, overly sentimental or extremities, yet in those words, words that may also touch your soul, there is a perfect description of love, yearning, desire, sadness and happiness all mixed in one letter.. It manages to describe the perplexity of human relations.. Love is always a bittersweet feeling.. It may fill you up or leave you empty.. Oh it may bloom like a flower in spring, beautiful and fresh.. It can not be seen, like the soft cool breeze that brushes against you and makes the hair on your neck stand up, or the familiar sense of the sun warming your skin, it can only be felt..
But it is also an emotion of no sense, no logic.. One that makes you question your own sanity.. It may bring out the worst or the best in you..
Nevertheless, you cherish what you love while you have it, for it may not be around forever.. You adapt, you compromise, you accept all flaws and mistakes for they expect yours as well.. And you fight, oh you fight with all you're might, for it is a feeling worth your time..
You should treat it like you would a flower.. A rare flower at that.. You should pay it the attention it needs, like you would water a flower to grow.. For ignorance is like poison to it.. the petals start falling one by one to the ground..
And like there are a million types of flowers, there are also a millions kinds of love..You shouldn't judge any of them, they all come from deep within ones heart.. You should remember "The flower that blooms in adversity, is the most beautiful and rarest of them all".. The is a beauty in being different, there is a beauty in being able to love in your own way.. There is a beauty in adversity, in being yourself and being ever so proud of that.. "Madness is genious, Imperfection in beauty, and I would rather be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.." (M. Monroe) And there is beauty in being aware of your flaws and excepting them, excepting exactly who you are, for only then no ones judgement can affect you.. And to those who chose to judge you and see only flaws and mistakes.. quoting M. Monroe again.. "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times I.'m hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.."
Treasure imperfection, learn from your mistakes, be true to who you are and if you can't make a big leap, take little steps.. Have faith in people who have faith in you, they might love you in a way you don't understand, it doesn't make shallower, just different.. Avoid judgement, cause you have not yet walked in their shoes and they have not in yours..
You say.. fight for what you want, you can't wait around for it to come.. But if you must, I say right back at you..
I say fight for what you want, cherish what you love, don't try to think out of the box, think like there is no box.. Try giving chances to others, like others gave chances to you, to prove what is real and what is not.. Try it before you judge it.. Show how you feel if you want someone to show you the same.. Treat like you want to be treated, trust if you want to be trusted, have faith, for others have faith in you.. I say "embrace the wonderful mess that you are"..
In that great big mess that I am, I may love in my own way, but I love with devotion.. I may be selfish, but never will I not be there when you need me, I may have made mistakes, but I learn from them, I'm only human after all.. I am who I am and somebody once told me to never change that for anyone.. I will take that advice and be who I am.. I'd rather be hated for that, than be loved for something I am not.. And if you love me through my worst, then you'll get to see my best..
--You cannot be the one to make me worth less than worthy of someones love, or your affections, with your words.. You do not get to compare and contrast me with "others" that are worth you being everything, for this was never a competition.. And if it was, then I shall not participate,as I cannot not compare to years of experiences, and we are not the anything alike to try to compare.. so I will not be made to feel inferior for that..
In all this selfishness that you claim posseses me, I didn't fight, not because I didn't want it, want you enough, rather than because it wasn't what you wanted at that time.. I tried to respect your wishes even if I didn't manage it at all times, even if i was out of line at times..
You can't say I ruined any chance, because I tried the best I could given the situation.. and even if I lost track at some point and my reaction was disappointing to you, it's something I cannot change..
I tried to make up for that by not bothering you again while you were away, because I came to understand..
In all my anger, all the times I insulted you, all the times I pointed out your mistakes, which were many times I won't deny, I also pointed out your good parts.. You're insults this time went a lot deeper than that.. A self-centered egotistical, not nice person who has a talent in disappointing others.. You should know better.. Or maybe you wouldn't.. You don't me well enough to say that though.. You can't take you as an example of how I am and who I am, the situation was never that in which I would of given you all I am.. If I do that and it's not enough, then you should comment as you like..
I cannot speak on your behalf, that doesn't mean that when I say something about me, I mean it doesn't apply to you.. Shall I quote myself..? "..whose eyes reflected all his feelings, feelings that were present and seemed to so real, no matter how deep you look into their beautiful blue depths.. with a smile of pure childlike innocence, but the passion of a man.. a man who knew how to mske you feel wanted, beautifull.. a strange combination of fiery impulsiveness, stenght, so in contrast with his heartbreaking sensitivity and vonurability of a boy.." I knew and know what your good qualities are, I can spot them as well as the bad ones..
i didn't accept everything with the best of graces, I am not the nicest person in this world I still like to think I'm worthy..
If you taught me one thing that I shall never forget , it is to express what you feel and do act upon what you want, it madde a difference you should know.. I may have loved before you, a lot too.. he may have been important.. You know what I never told him..? I love you.. You are actually the first person I said it too.. (romanticly) even if I didn't say say when I should or how I should have..
I look back and see the good, I remember the lessons I was taught.. And I was taught a few..
There are things in life though that no matter how hard you fight or think you fought, they won't change.. but "if it's right it happens, the main thing is not to hurry..nothing good gets away.. (John Steinbeck)
Sometimes all you can do, is wait and see.. --