Absent Soul Part I

Bright rays of sun were hitting his face. He yawned and stretched his body while struggling to get up. His head turned to observe the room with his eyes still half closed. A room full of smoke, ashes and empty whiskey bottles. The alarm clock drowned out the birds chirping outside as it was still ringing.

"I have to unplug this clock. I'm running out of time anyway". He said, while doing exactly that. Every day a different struggle. He could not get out of his house anymore. He didn't have the strength. A million strangers passing by, looking, staring, judging without knowing. He believed that we write our own stories yet his story was drawing closer to the end day by day. The notion of right and wrong was clouded inside his mind. Everything was relative. No universal good or evil. A nameless existence.His previous state of mind- a relic of the past. Tired of everything that he once called important.  Tired of waiting for someone to save him, wake him up from his slumber. The giving up card was just too attractive to pass.

"When is it gonna end'? He whispered to himself.

"Soon". A voice whispered back.

"And if it ends, where do I begin"?

Silence fell in the room.

He looked at the massive wall mounted mirror with a terrified stare but all he could see was his face.

He opened the drawer next to the bed and pulled out  a small bottle of whiskey. After standing up and pouring a drink he just stood there. Petrified with the bottle in his hands, staring at the mirror. Trying desperately to find an explanation. He knew-deep inside him that he couldn't. He could stare at the cracked mirror as long as he wanted and still he would not be able to find an answer for his question. A problem unresolved for years. He took a sip from the bottle and with a sudden move he threw it on the mirror, shattering it in a million pieces. He looked down and all he could see was a distorted reflection.

"Maybe this is who I really am". He stated while laughing.

He walked on the shattered pieces, cutting his feet yet not flinching a second. He went down the stairs and into the water. An ocean filled of photographs. Memories of carefree days and happy adventures. A reminder that it was too late to fix his mistakes. Too late to escape his own mind. He stopped and stared the photographs on the floor for a minute. Some of them were black and white while others had colors. All of them had a certain girl. A girl who always smiled while holding him in her arms, like she was afraid of something. His face on the other hand was always inexpressive. Some photographs in the other side of the room had him half smiling yet his face was serious.

''Oh, how I despise you. You will always be a monster. Always". He said with an angry tone in his voice. His fist was closed shut and bleeding from the force he was applying. The blood was dripping all over the photographs taking the place of the old and dry blood stains.

"You took her from me and I will never forgive you for that-you know"? He stated sadly as he walked in the kitchen for his cup of coffee.

But there was no answer

The sound of the kettle was hurting his ears. Waking everyday hungover was taking a toll both on his mind and body. A big ashtray was sitting on the coffee table, full of ash and overflowing with cigarettes. He lit another one and started puffing it without caring about the ashtray. The rooms of the house were as messy as his black hair. The kettle screeched and the sound was making him crazy. He picked it up as fast as he could and poured the hot water in the cup. The coffee was still hot so he could puff another cigarette. He leaned back on the torn sofa and watched the smoke going up as he exhaled with frustration and anger. He could see the smoke forming different shapes. Lining up to create different memories from when he used to smoke on a flower garden. A garden that had everything but sadness.

Jake:[Frustrated] I wish my story had a happy ending but this is not holywood. This is not the movies. Somebody once told me that love exists when ''the spark'' ends and not when it begins. To love someone unconditionally with all your heart. When that person is difficult to love. This is the stage when love starts. Hah, what a fucking joke. I wish this was true. I wish I could find out but I never had the chance. I never had the chance because you took her from me. Why you did that? I ask you again.

He lifted his head and stared at the snow white colored wall.

No one answered once again.

He reached for his coffee and took a big sip. Suddenly a fade music could be heard in the background. The music of a small box. "I haven't heard this cursed lullaby for a while now". He said curiously. He stared at the box with eyes full of regrets mixed with anger. He stood up and picked up a small canister of lighter fluid. He walked to the box and poured half the bottle on it and threw the cigarette he was smoking in the small opening of the box, lighting it on fire before stepping on it as hard as he could. The sound of the lullaby became weak and faded away in a matter of seconds.

"Bloody box". He said, grinding his teeth together and walked away from the ashes.

Ίσως

Διάβαζα πρόσφατα κάποια άρθρα σχετικά με την αγάπη. Εμπειρίες ενός υπέροχου ατόμου. Πως ξέρω πως το άτομο αυτό είναι υπέροχο; Το γνωρίζω λιγάκι αλλά ακόμα και να μην το γνώριζα, τα υπέροχα άτομα φαίνονται. Απο τότε που άρχισα να γράφω τις βλακείες που γάφω έμαθα πως αν θέλεις να γνωρίσεις πραγματικά κάποιον είναι δύσκολο. Το να παρατηρεις τι γράφει όταν κανείς δεν τον βλέπει με ένα μπουκαλι κρασι και μουσική μέσα στην θλίψη τους είναι ένας τρόπος για να δεις κομμάτια απο τον πραγματικό τους εαυτό. Ένας διαφορετικός τρόπος που ποτέ μου δεν κατάφερα να τηρήσω είναι να κοιτάξεις μέσα στα μάτια τους και να δείς τι λέει η σιωπή τους όταν σταματάνε να μιλάνε. 

Πιστευά πολύ στην αγάπη όταν ήμουν πιο άμαθος. Αθώος, μικρός και ρομαντικός. Πίστευα πως οι έρωτες είναι ομοιώματα ανθρώπων που συνανταμε στην ζωή μας και μας δείχνουν το νόημα της ζωής. Μας δείχνουν πως ζούμε για να αγαπάμε και για να αγαπηθούμε. Πως εκεί έξω υπάρχει αυτο το κάτι για εμάς. Για όλους μας. Έβλεπα την ζωη και τον έρωτα μέσα απο ρόζ γυαλιά που έριχναν τριαντάφυλλα όπουδηποτε πατούσα. Λίγα ήξερα για χωρισμούς και τον πόνο που νιώθει η καρδιά σου όταν ένα κομμάτι σου φεύγει χωρίς δεύτερη σκέψη. Χωρις να κοιτάξει πίσω, μέσα σε μια φωτιά γεμάτη τσακωμούς και μίσος. Το ένιωσα όμως. Έμαθα και άλλαξα. Για καλό ή για κακό η προδωσία σε αλλάζει. Η αχαριστία των ανθρώπων που επένδυσες χρόνια. Τα αξημέρωτα βράδια που χάθηκαν επειδή αποφάσισαν να τα κατεδαφίσουν όλα. Μα πάνω απο όλα άλλαξα λόγω της μοναξιάς μου.

Ίσως να φταίω και εγώ για όλα αυτά. Ίσως και να τα άξιζα. Πως θα μπορούσα όμως να αρκεστώ στο μέτριο; Σε έναν χλιαρό έρωτα χωρις μέλλον; Γιατί να μην παλέψεις για κάτι που αγαπάς μέχρι να καείς ολοσχερώς; Μια ευκαιρία μετά την άλλη με την ελπίδα πως κάτι θα αλλάξει και τα ρόζ γυαλιά να μην βγαίνουν απο πάνω μου. Εγώ εδώ θα μείνω έλεγα. Θα είμαι εδώ και θα παλέψω μόνος και για τους δύο. Έμαθα όμως. Μου τα έσπασαν τα γυαλιά και είδα καθαρά. Δεν μπορείς να παλέψεις για κάποιον που δεν θα πάει στον πόλεμο.

Όλοι κάνουμε λάθη. Αυτό ήταν το δικό μου. Άφησα τα γυαλιά μου να σπάσουν. Να γίνουν κομμάτια. Παραιτήθηκα και είπα ένα ''δεν γαμιέται'' και έφυγα. Δεν κοίταξα πίσω ούτε για μια στιγμή. Δεν με άφησε η ήδη πατημένη αξιοπρέπεια μου και το μίσος μου για τον ίδιο μου τον εαυτό. Σιχάθηκα και κουράστηκα όχι μόνο να παλεύω αλλα και με εμένα μιας που ένα κομμάτι μέσα μου, έλεγε ακόμα να παλέψω. Επέμενε και τσίριζε να το ακούσω. Με τρέλενε για χρόνια μέχρι που πήρα ένα μαξιλάρι και το έπνιξα. Το έπνιξα όπως έπνιξαν και εμένα όταν ήθελα να παλέψω. Το αντικατέστησα με ένα κομμάτι που δεν μιλάει πολυ. Δεν νοιάζεται πολυ και δεν τρελένεται όταν κάτι κακό γίνεται. Ένα κομμάτι που γεννήθηκε μέσα στην μοναξιά και το αλκοόλ. Στην αρχή δεν μου άρεσε και τόσο. Δεν με αναγνώριζα καν. Το αποδέχθηκα όμως και το έκανα δικό μου. Όσο διάβαζα το ένα άρθρο μετά απο το άλλο έβλεπα όλο και πιο πολλά κοινα σημεία. Το μίσος για τον εαυτό μας, τον φόβο που υπάρχει για να πιστέψουμε σε κάτι και την στεναχώρια που περάσαμε μόνοι μας. Την στάχτη που έπρεπε να μαζευτεί μετά το σβήσιμο της φλόγας και την σκόνη που άφησε πίσω της η στάχτη. Οι άνθρωποι πάντα φεύγουν μακριά μα εμείς μείναμε εκεί. Μείναμε μέχρι που αναγκαστήκαμε να φύγουμε. Ίσως να ήταν και για καλό ποιός ξερει.

Στο τέλος του στενάχωρου μα όμορφου άρθρου έλεγε πως πρέπει να παλεύεις για αυτο που αγαπάς. Μετά απο όλα αυτά τα κακότυχα πράγματα, τις επιλογές και τα αποτελέσματα πίστευε πως πρέπει να παλέψεις. Να μην σταματάς στα εμπόδια και να είσαι έτοιμος να σκοτωθείς και να καείς στην φωτιά μιας αγάπης. Στα σύνορα του αργά και του νωρίς, του ναί και του όχι, της ελπίδας και της απελπισίας.

Με έκανε να αναρωτηθώ γιατί τα παράτησα. Δεν μπορούσα να απαντήσω στην ίδια μου την απορία. Μάλλον επειδή είναι χαζό. Όχι η απορία αλλά η πράξη της παραίτησης. Με έκανε να καταλαβω ξανά ποιός ο λόγος να ζείς. Γιατί δεν το είχα δεί αφού είχα τόσο καιρό με τον εαυτό μου, δεν ξέρω. Με νευριάζει το γεγονός οτί ήμουν τόσο βαθιά στην δική μου στεναχώρια που δεν μπορούσα να δώ ένα τόσο προφανές φώς.

 Ίσως τελικά η αγάπη να μην είναι και τόσο άσχημη. Ίσως να είναι αυτό το κάτι που ποτέ δεν πρέπει να αφήσουμε. Ίσως..

Confusion..

Confusion, such a messy emotion. Feeling lost, trampled over by the heavy hooves of your feelings. Tangled feelings, like delicate threads of an intricate pattern your trying and failing to create with perfection. Such a juxtaposed concept I know.
Heavy but delicate, weak but strong, happy but sad. Confused. Confusion, overpowering, all consuming confusion.
Feelings upon feelings, ideas upon ideas spinning round and round in my head like a roundabout that has been spun one too many times.  It's like standing in the middle of a forest, an overgrown forest.  The thick moss covering every inch of the tall ever present trees, making them identical to one another, the ground covered in wild growth masking your footsteps. The large long branches blend with one another full of green fluff and leaves creating a dark cloud of dread blocking the sunbeams from shedding some light.  And there in the middle of that sticky darkness you stand alone. Looking around for an escape route .  But you stand there as in you've grown roots yourself. The funny thing is, it's not the lack of a possible way out that keeps you rooted to the same exact spot. No, no it's the opposite
 Too many possibilities. Everywhere you look there is a pathway leading somewhere.  It could lead further in the forest, or it could lead the way out. Or it could lead to a wonderful waterfall right there in the middle of the forest. Or even a clifftop from where you can see the whole world, or so it seems. They say if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. But how willing are you to take a step in the unknown. And if you don't know where or how you want to end up, then how will you know if the path you chose is the right one. Is there even a right path? All roads lead you somewhere, but what if you end up lost in the middle of nowhere again? How will you find your way if you keep getting lost along it?
At one point you just give up trying to find the way out. You settle for an in-between. An in-between happy and sad. You settle for what you have and forget what you need.  You opt for safety over risk.  And then you sit an ponder over when you became the scared person you now are. When did fear get in the way of accomplishment? When did mind over heart become the way to go. A head filled with ideas, a heart filled with dreams hopes and aspirations. A person filled with love and carefree happiness can't just settle. I can't just settle for being stuck. Not lost, stuck as if I stepped in quicksand that is now keeping me locked in position and slowly burying me in asfixiating darkness. All I see around me are identical towering trees, everyday a repeat of sense numbing nothingness. I want to take a step forward but my legs can't seem to follow my brains commands. My limbs limp and unmoving. My mind racing. My thoughts cloudy like the sky of green above me.
Confusion. Overbearing confusion about what to do next.  Fear. Stupid loathing fear that's paralysing me. When did I come to fear my next step.  I loved dipping my feet in the pool of unknown.
All my feelings are on standby, I need something to kick-start them into movement. Change. I need a wild, stupid change. A glimpse of my old self.  Love, passion, laughter even tears.
My feet start aching, but that only means I feel them again. The numbness is slowly subsiding. And while I stare around me I contemplate my choices. So many pathways, so many choices. All leading me to different directions. All appealing and unappealing in their own way. Which way to go? As I take a deep breath and exhale in a foggy puff I close my eyes. I start spinning, round and round in circles. Round and round until I'm out of breath and dizzy. Round and round until I don't know which way is east north south or west.  Until I don't know where I stood a minute ago. That's when I take an unsteady step forward. Deep into the unknown. Intoxicated by the fear that grips my insides.  Compelled by adventure. I take another step, then another, faster and faster. I run away without looking back breaking the bonds that kept me rooted. And that's the end, or maybe the beginning. That's up to u and me to figure out.

What Is Love

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more. Just kidding. So what is love? The great question. The answer I've been seeking all this time. This extremely one sided feeling that is called love. A poison that runs through your veins. A weapon of mass destruction. A sickness that blinds you and renders you unable to judge and understand what is wrong and what is right. That's what I've been calling love for the past 2 years. A pessimistic view on love that I had for a long time.

After all the things that I got through I decided to approach love from another point of view. A more optimistic view. Love is something nice. Something romantic.A feeling that can lift you up and make every single day, a  new exciting adventure. It may be one sided and it may be hurtful for you sometimes but it is still love. You enjoy every moment of your life like it is your last. You smile like an idiot every time that person's name pops up in a conversation. He or she might never know that you love them. Maybe they already know that. Maybe they love you back and maybe they don't. If they don't you don't really care about it. Because your love gets you through the day. It makes every day a different one. You are confident and you walk like a badass or you might be extremely shy and walk with your head down. Whatever the case is, love is love and you can't stop it. It's this magical feeling where you feel that you are made for loving that person. You have this strong belief that you could make them happier than ever. Breaking every limit you've ever established without getting tired.  Love is a real life magic. Magic that no one can explain. Why our pupils dilate when we like someone? Why do we get jealous over stupid , little things? Why do we get possessive?  Yeah, chemicals releasing in our brains. Yet, I believe it is nicer to believe in magic sometimes. The chemicals might do their job but some feelings cannot be explained. How do you know that you know someone your whole life even though you met them just once or twice? What is this weird deja vu that we feel when we meet someone? Their face seems so familiar yet we've only met them once. We have so many in commont with them but this is the first time we actually had a conversation with them. Here comes the death part. Everyone is afraid of death. Does heaven exist? Is there something after death? Is there an after life? Who knows? No one. Just because no one knows we want to cherish every moment we have in this planet that we call earth. We want to have someone next to us. Someone we can count on. Someone we can grow old together. We are desperately trying to find our significant other. The puzzle piece that can complete us. I was trying too. I thought something else at some point. What if the puzzle piece doesn't complete me? Is that bad? No it is not. The puzzle piece can be the exact opposite of you yet you can still feel complete. The right thing needs the wrong one and darkness needs some light after all. People come and go. This is not bad either. I figured this out when my whole group of friends left me. I was alone and hurt but now I understand. People not always stay in your life and that's fine. They don't have to. People who come and go are a great way to be experienced and mature quicker. However, as I said above, we need someone to be in our lives. A stable someone that we can trust. We need to learn to let go of people who actually want to leave and embrace our loneliness. Knowing that someone else will come to free us from the isolation we are in. I'm not saying that we have to look for a savior. Some people just bring light with them and they can't help it. They are always smiling even though they are sad. They bring happiness and joy in every step. We also need to embrace these people. Hold onto them and never let them go. They are not gonna leave. You can trust me on this. They are gonna stay and show you the way to becoming a better version of yourself. Support you through every decision you make and be there in the darkest moments of your life. You also need to do the same. Support them and give guidance and advice when needed. Be there when they are down and be net to them when they are celebrating. Things might get rough but neither of you will let go of each other. Bad things might happen but after some time you will remember all the hardships and laugh while drinking a glass of wine. This is love. Yes, sometimes it can be a weapon of mass destruction but it can also be the bright light in the dark corners of  our minds. The drunk memories of a great moment. The radiant light shining in the dark. The hand that guides you through the rough terrain of life.

The one that will take the bullet for you and smile while doing it.

Happiness

Quite a large concept in my opinion. Overrated. This is happiness. Everyone is chasing after it and I don't blame them. It's intriguing and interesting. Only a small percentage of people have it and everyone else wants it. I'm talking about money of course. Money is the supposed source of happiness. On the other hand it can be the source of all evil. This story is not about money though. It is about true happiness. The concept of happiness is not a stable one. Everyone sees happiness as they like. For some it might be money, for others it might be love or a place to call home. It also may be drugs or alcohol or anything that makes you forget about your troubles. If you ask me what happiness is I would not be able to answer. For me happiness is something stable. Somewhere I can feel safe. Something I can trust. Maybe it's love, maybe it's  family. I don't know yet but I hope I will find out as time passes by.

After being homeless for a while and kinda losing everything I had including my dignity, I started seeing happiness as a glass of water. You have to be grateful, for the glass is half full. If you have to see the glass as half empty you just question yourself. Can I accept that my glass is half empty? Am I affected by this state?

If the answers are yes and no then you are happy.  Ι never had a good relationship with my father. The road was quite bumpy and every time I tried to talk to him he would always push me away. At some point I gave up, after being beaten up very badly as a child and being treated like shit as an adult. I once told him that I would prefer to live in a box without him than in the same house as him. When I got kicked out of my room and actually lived in the street (box not included) I felt happy. I was stress free even though I was homeless without a job and sleeping on the ground. Then the universe helped me and I found a job and I was back to my old ways.  I started planning on how to organise my life again. Have a job, a room, somewhere to sleep and be safe from cold and stuff. You know, the basic needs of a human. Ι have an interview in 2 days for a new job in leeds and I am 99% that I am gonna be successful. Thus, I will be able to move in Leeds and be with my friend. Ι told the girl I like that I actually like her and things seem good. I actually might have a chance. Even if I don't I am still happy. Rejection is the part of the glass which is half empty. Can I live with rejection? Yes. Will I be sad? Yes. Is this going to affect me? Maybe, probably, definitely yes. Still. I will know that I have tried my best. Not every relationship have to end good. If she doesn't like me there is nothing I can do. I will be happy that I was given a chance to try.

They say that money can't buy happiness. I wish I had enough money to buy a huge house, buy lots of dogs and take care of them and invite all my friends and my family to stay there. I think that the whole money concept is kinda misunderstood. Maybe it's the movies that portrait rich people all alone with just money. I think it's a bad representation of how money can actually change the life of someone. I'm not talking about a huge amount of money like a million pounds. I'm talking about 3 thousand or 4 or 5. This amount would be enough to change my life. I could buy tickets for my friends so I can see them. I could buy tickets for my family. I could actually rent a really nice house so I can live in peace. I could buy her a ticket so I can ask her on a proper date and even if I got rejected I would make sure she has a good time in the UK. That's happiness for me. To make other people happy. Maybe this is also the reason I really like my job as a waiter. I could actually go for a night out after 2 years being in England. For a fucking drink. On the other hand, knowing me I would prefer to buy cheap booze and stay in and drink while watching my favorite series or something like that. Happiness is a Frank Sinatra song. Like I've got the world on a string. What a world, what a life, I'm in love. That's happiness. Loving everything around you. Rain, snow, sun and darkness. The bitterness and the sweet stuff.

So what exactly is happiness? I would never be able to tell. I still haven't figured it out completely. If I had to guess I would say that happiness is a puzzle you have to complete along with someone else. This is just my opinion though.

Also I've got a riddle for ya. A diamond plate, a glowing plate, a place you never leave. What am I?

Introduction to (Love) Me Part VIII

All jokes aside, today is a really weird day. I was thinking about telling something to a very certain someone. There is this girl I really like. We have been talking for quite a while now. I have never seen her. Like never. I know it sounds weird but I had this feeling that I've known her for my whole life. I feel extremely childish just by writing all these. This has never happened to me before. A crazy, unprecedented experience. I tried to bottle everything up for at least 3 months with great success but I don't think I can do that anymore. She is funny, beautiful, smart and the list could go on and on and on. The fact that I feel things at a time of my life that is so stressful and basically chaotic makes me wonder. Should I tell her how I feel or not? Another thing I should mention is that she is living in Greece and I am in the UK at the moment. This makes it harder for me to decide if I should give it a shot or not.  I'm not the coolest guy around to be honest. I'm kinda boring. I like nights watching netflix with popcorn or pizza and playing games such as monopoly and dungeons and dragons.

So I'm kinda nerdy. I know lots of useless fun facts which is my best party trick. I can also do some magic stuff but that's kinda risky because I'm rusty. Back to my point though. She is fucking amazing and I haven't even see her. My stupid little brain imagined my life with her already and the only thing I've been thinking the last 4-5 months is just her. Her and her beautiful blue eyes. She is full of sarcasm and funny things to say. An archaeologist and a pretty cool one. Her life is a mess but she is handling everything like a boss. Maybe I am attracted to pretty messes like her. I don't really know. All I know is that I tried to control whatever I'm feeling and it didn't work. Trust me, I tried really hard. Ι tried hiding it as good as I could. Every single day I couldn't stop thinking about her. This is probably the most crazy thing I have done in my whole life. Asking a girl if she wants to know me better even though she has never met me. It is also gonna go sideways really fast. Like, extremely fast. Ηοwever, I am commited to tell her even though she might reject me. I like her so fucking much and I don't really know why. Yet, I don't care. All I know is that I like her and I want to meet her in person and show her that I am someone that can count on when she is sad or stressed or happy and blissful. I want to show her that I am someone she can share things with and that I will be there to support her along the way. Even if her decisions are crazy or extremely difficult.

The good thing about having a really fast metabolic rate is that you don't get drunk easily. Today I've been drinking from 7 in the morning until now yet I'm not drunk. I'm kinda drunk but not really. So I decided. Why not tell her. My heart was beating fast as I opened the facebook chat and waited until she goes online. I tried to hide it again while talking to her. I was having second thoughts but not because I wasn't sure about my feelings but because I was scared. Yes, I am scared of rejection. Who isn't scared of rejection anyway? If there is someone out there who is not scared of this please, teach me master. Anyway, after drinking half a bottle of whiskey or maybe more I told her. At first I wanted to actually write a small letter so I know what exactly to say to her. You know, plan my whole confession. Then I just threw everything out of the window and just told her that I like her. I've liked her all this time and if she wanted to know me better. Then the small dots appeared. The 30 seconds reply felt like a fucking year. Microwave minutes all over again. Then she said. Of course I would like you to know better and you did good to confess. I was like. Am I really drunk? What the fuck is going on? Is this beautiful blonde, blue eyed girl seriously thinking of me as a possibility? Seems like she actually does. Ι guess so... I hope she does. The whole point of this story is not about me obviously. This is not sarcasm. I repeat, this is not sarcasm. Somebody said: ''You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't make". I am guessing the one who said this was a basketball player. Lots pof useless information in my brain, can't keep up with everything. So the moral of the story is this:

We might be scared even terrified sometimes but if we feel strongly about something, we should take the shot because if we don't we might regret it in the end. Even when there is a 1% chance remember. It is still a chance.

Introduction to (Love) Me Part VII

Helping people is my specialty. I can solve any relationship problem. I can fix any mistake as long as it is not mine. I have never failed to make two people happy or return a broken and badly beaten up relationship to it's old glory. As long as the relationship is not mine. A friend of mine recently told me that she is in love. That's fucking cool I would think. If that friend of mine was not my ex-girlfriend. Well, I should try and help her anyway, like a good friend would do. So I sat down and listened to what she had to say. We talked about how much in love she is with that guy and how lost she was. You see, this girl was always overthinking things. Always planning ahead and scheduling every move. Love doesn't give a flying fuck about plans though. Every Time I heard how much in love she was with that guy I would just gulp a whole glass of whiskey. I invented a new drinking game by the way. Drink a whole glass of whiskey every time an ex tells you that she is in love with someone else. Pretty good.

Anyway the whole problem thing was about how messed up the relationship actually was. If you can call it a relationship. Featuring a 20 years difference and a chemistry more powerful than Batrachotoxin and another girl as a special guest, things were about to get pretty fucking tough. Batrachotoxin is a poison by the way and one of the most potent in the whole world. Love/poison you get it. So this guy already has a girlfriend bu he has been living with my friend for 2 months now. Like in the same house. First thought that came in my mind is that this guy is 100% a fraud and he is manipulating my friend. But,but let's give him the benefit of doubt here and say that he is actually a pretty decent guy. Why would you cheat on your girlfriend with someone else if you are a good guy? However, we are talking about love here so let's assume that love is spontaneous and you cannot control a single thing. Besides, nothing is pure good or pure bad, right? There are small bits of good and bad in every one of us and we just choose how we present them and deal with them. My friend told me that they met at the place they both worked and this whole thing was escalating slowly for a while. She also told me that the guy wanted some time to break up. If I could make a list full of bullshit excuses people say in a relationship, the list would go something like this:

• 1) I need time
• 2) I need space
• 3)It's not you, it's me
• 4) This is for your own good
• 5) Our lives are going in different directions
• 6) You are really mature and I am immature
• 7) I don't deserve you

and my all time favorite and the only reason I fucking hate summer:

8) Summer is on it's way so let's see how we feel about each when fall/winter comes.

You can see the ''I need time'' excuse is number one on this list. The sole reason that it's on the top is because time is something we actually have. Fucking lots of it. Yeah, life is short and time is money but in order to break up your girlfriend whom you cheat with someone else already is not gonna take that much time unless you actually want it to take time. I wonder how much time it would cost me to give up a really fucked up relationship in which I don't feel in love and I am already cheating my girlfriend. Hmmm, lets see.

1,2,3,4,5. Oh yea, I wanna break up. Oh LOOK! This is actually so fucking simple. Who would have thought. Something smells fishy and it's not the fish I'm cooking. Firstly, because I don't like fish and secondly because I am not cooking anything at the moment. Manipulating someone who is in love with you, for me, is a crime. People who manipulate and take advantage of people who are in love with them should be in jail. She wanted my advice on what she should do. It is really hard to be objective when you are talking to someone you still like. Yet, I had to. I had to be objective so I can be a good friend to her like she is to me all this time. I had to be understanding like she was. I decided to throw away some theories about how this relationship could unfold. The first theory was that the guy was actually telling the truth. He just needed some time so he could break up properly with her. The second one was that he was just manipulating her. I like this girl so I told her I hope that everything will turn good and she will be happy. Yet, I had a feeling that something felt kinda off. A gut feeling let's say. The whole thing was escalating slowly. Fact number one. Fact number 2 is that when things go slow that means you have time. Time to break up with a girlfriend you don't like for example. Fact 3: This is moe of a legal term. It's called legal motive. A thief who stole once might not steal twice but a thief who stole twice is definitely gonna steal something for a third time. So with all these facts in mind let's see if we can reach a conclusion. He had time to break up yet he didn't. Then he asked time to break up. This ''time'' is now 2 months. They don't see each other but that's something the guy told my friend. Could be true or could be a lie. Why would someone stay in a relationship where you can't see each other, it's a mess, you fight all the time and you are also cheating? In my opinion is just manipulation. I just can't see it in any other way. I know that it's not all black and white. There is no pure good or pure bad. He may like my friend. You can be in love with two people at the time. IF YOU ARE A FUCKING 12 YEAR OLD. A mature person would never be in love with two people. I'm not saying that if someone does that person is stupid. I'm just saying that it's extremely immature.

Of course I couldn't say all these things to my friend. I would break her heart. Thus, I just told her the two theories I had and i begged her to be careful. Love can be a difficult and confusing thing. I told her to enjoy the moment then I realised she is someone with an anxiety disorder and that's literally impossible for her. I'm sure she will find a way to enjoy it despite her anxiety problem. I wished her all the best and told her that I only want to see her happy. Then I toasted my self and said: Cheers Nick and let's hope she will be happy and not manipulated because of her feelings. Does that make me a psychopath? Nah, it doesn't

Dreams, Goals and Law School

Two years ago everything was falling apart. I had no purpose whatsoever and I was basically lost. Then I met someone who made me chase my dreams. An influential girl and a night of passionate stares that ended abruptly. So I tried doing what I always did best, talk to my parents about my big dream of becoming a successful lawyer. I had a bulletproof plan, as always. This plan did not go my way like every other bulletproof plan I ever had. I introduced this new private foundation course I had to go in order to get accepted in a UK university. It was quite expensive so In the end of my presentation I said: ''If you don't want to support me on this, I understand''. My mother decided to go in favor of my idea. My father on the other hand, not so much. Useless and completely stupid were two of the really nice words I heard when he started talking. He told me things that I would never say even to my worst enemy. But, you know me. Every new stupid hardship is a new lesson. A story to become better or worse. The conversation ended in a blink of an eye when I started talking back to my father and in the end saying that I hope he dies alone. Yeah, I know. Dark and harsh. I don't care to be honest. He was never there for me and I don't need him to be. I am and I will continue to be indifferent in any opinion he has or will ever have for me. With my mother working in three different jobs for me I decided to put all my effort in that and pass in a university. Long story short I nailed it and here I am. After 2 years I'm completely incompetent to do anything to control my life. I accepted that too and adopted a more positive view in my life. No one has over control, bad things happen and the best thing someone can do is to be positive and hope for the best. However, I can't help it and keep a realistic part of myself alive. My marks were thrown under the bridge with the whole homeless thing. An interruption of studies is the best thing I can do right now, I thought. I prefer to graduate with good grades and do a resit of year 2 than not having a chance to a law career at all.

My job doesn't have normal work hours to be honest. Sometimes I work in the morning for 8 hours and sometimes I work till 4 in the morning. That means I got a long time to think and contemplate my life. I was walking after work, extremely tired with a brain working overtime for no reason, thinking of stuff I did not want to think. A thought passed through for a second and stayed for 5 days now. I don't think I have a chance to be a successful lawyer like I wanted to. The harsh reality hit me hard. Slapped me like the little bitch I am. I have 0% chance of becoming even the half of what I wanted to be. My grades are bad, I had no training contract in my second year, I never volunteered in the UK while everyone else has an awesome story of their gap year or their volunteering in different organisations. I have none of the skills required or the will to volunteer. Sixteen hours shifts are time consuming, obviously. What should I do now? It's not like I want to plan my every move anymore but I really need a plan on how to react to these new problems.

Working was one solution. Yet, I couldn't fix everything just by working. I needed a new room so I can sleep in peace without the stress of a random landlord appearing out of nowhere and kicking me out of the already empty room I left. I could face jail time in the worst case scenario. Thus, I decided to message a great friend of mine with a cool proposition. If I could afford a ring I would propose for fun but I can't. So, I asked her if she wanted to move to a new house with me and share rent so we could both do something good with our lives. She wanted to move out of her house and I needed to find a new room. Mutually beneficial and great because we are like the male and female versions of each other. She said yes, a thousand times yes and so the search for a new house began. The house search is still in progress as well as a new job search which is the biggest obstacle. You can easily find a new house but finding a job can be a difficult challenge.

The difference between goals and dreams in my opinion is that dreams are something you always wanted to do but never had the chance or something that you believe you can't do. A goal on the other hand is the exact opposite. It's a situation that you are confident that you will succeed long or short term such as a promotion. So I decided to pursue my second dream. Become a police detective (distant laughter). Yeah, I know it's quite ridiculous but I always wanted to be a detective since I was a kid. My first dream being of course studying law wasn't actually a dream but more like a goal that I chose based on the limits and skills I had 2 years ago. So I came up with two new plans. The first part is the same for both plans. Find a new house, have a great roommate and work my ass off to save some money. The second part is different. The first choice I have is to continue my studies after the interruption of studies ends, graduate with meh grades and by meh I mean mediocre grades and apply to join the police force or to try and apply for the police force before the interruption ends and see how it goes. I need two years of training before even applying to the criminal investigation body of the police so that means that I really don't have much time to spare. Before actually getting accepted in the police force I need to pass physical and reasoning tests. The reasoning tests are not that difficult but I'm not fit at all. Running for thirty minutes and running up and down the stairs can be quite challenging when you haven't been at the gym for almost a year. However these things can be changed and I can improve myself with a dose of determination. I guess time will show. One thing I can say for sure is that I am going to graduate from law school one way or another.

Back to dreams and goals. Another big difference between them is that dreams can be put on hold until the time is right and it is really good to be able to differentiate when something must be done or not. There is a risk when you put your dreams on hold though. You tend to forget them and store them in a little box in your mind and never open that box again. I always believed that  people need dreams. Even if they are straight up impossible. We need them to be able to get out of bed every morning and have a purpose. Something to push us to become better in life. Relationships work the same way and that is the reason why humans are such social beings. Loneliness is nice but when you are with someone you are a part of something bigger. You stop being one and you have more responsibilities. Someone is counting on you for something small or big. You become a member of a team that you chose to invest time and even worse (sarcasm) feelings. If time is money imagine how important the investment of feelings is.

To sum up, never stop chasing your dreams. Even if they are crazy or everyone is against them. Don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. We shape our future and destiny. Just don't murder anyone because then I will have to chase you down and bring you in.

Introduction To (Love) Me Part VII

Why would someone waste such a perfect opportunity, you might ask. How can someone be that stupid. Unfortunately I don't have the answers for these questions. I was immature I guess. I couldn't understand how relationships work and overestimated myself thinking that I actually knew stuff. After one great year of peace and love I broke up with her for the reason that I did not think that I was worthy of her. Every Time I saw her I felt bad. Never understood why. From overestimating to extremely under estimating myself. Every Time I met her I could see how great she was, how she deserved something better that me. An average guy of pretty average beauty that 90% of any man out there could easily surpass anything I would do. These were my thoughts while breaking up with her.

-Tell me the truth Nick. I don't buy this cliche stuff. What is the real reason? She shouted through her tears.

Funny thing, that was the real reason. It wasn't an excuse to get rid of her or anything like that. That was the exact reason. I was no good and I could never be good. Well, not as good as I had to be to reach her level at least.

-It's for your own good. You are going to find a great guy, who will make you so happy because you really deserve the best and I am not the best. I said trying to convince her.

The crying stopped. She was looking at me with a mix of curiosity and shock. It was more like, what the actual fuck are you talking about to be honest. I guess she couldn't comprehend how someone could consider himself so low and I totally understand that. Even I don't get me sometimes how could she?

She stood there, staring at me with her curious eyes for a minute.

-Ok then leave. Leave now please. Leave and never come back. She told me in a really sharp voice.

I did exactly what she asked me to. I left and never came back. Never talked to her again, never called her never messaged her. There is another cliche I was thinking about while hurting her. I never meant to hurt her. I wanted the best for her. She actually got it after a year or two. A great guy that loved her more than anything and she was extremely happy. I guess my plan was a success and I was actually right. I am just kidding of course. I had no plan. I just knew that I am not good enough. I was immature to be in a relationship with her but I was mature enough to judge what was the best for her even if that meant that I had to say the phrase I hated the most which is of course ''this is for your own good''. However, I was right. I never doubted my choice. I knew she would find someone who is cool and great and all that. She was intelligent after all. Different.

How do I know all these though? Well, I'm not a stalker. I don't like facebook that much to stalk someone. She messaged me after 2 years. I was really surprised for a moment. The message of course was a small declaration of independence. Quite sarcastic but I deserved every single word in that message.

''Thank you for making me understand. Thank you for breaking up with me and showing me that I really deserved better than you. Thank you because if it wasn't for you I might never have met the love of my life. You were a great lesson and I will never forget what you did for me. Take care of yourself and I hope you will find someone as good as you. You are great Nick, never forget that. Yours faithfully, E".

Oh, the mixed feelings I had while reading this. I didn't know if she was making fun of me or being honest and actually thanking me. I was glad she was happy despite that. I was really glad I made the right choice for once. For once I was selfless and I started to understand what loving someone is like. Unconditionally of course. There are many forms of love. I always believed this. Some forms are straight up crazy obsessive and possessive. Other are calm and unconditional. The third category is the in between. Where you have some parts of the craziness in a level that you can tolerate while keeping the calmness of the second category. Love is not perfect. Humans are not perfect. Yet you can make them perfect with your love. Everyday can't be perfect. Every dinner won't be a candle lit one. You might fight to the limit that you can't even scream or get bored of each other. A great relationship has everything in it. Salt and pepper. You have to be same and different at the same time. However the more people I ask about this opinion I have the more I hear that you have to be 90% same in order for a relationship to be successful. Seems like my opinion is the exact opposite of the popular belief about relationships but I will always believe it. Mostly because I think that no one can be 90% the same with a total stranger that they met and decided that they liked him or her enough to have a relationship. Hell, I'm not even 90% same with my sister.

So, no more dancing for Nick. No more eating with someone else. Back to being alone by choice I guess. I didn't even know what I was feeling at that point. Was it sadness or happiness? Fear of loneliness or the nostalgia of it? Well it was my choice and I had to respect it even if I was hurt. You see, sometimes people think that they ''own'' someone. It seems like a really harsh term but I will explain. Imagine someone you really loved but now it's over. You got over it after a certain point and you were complete with your life. You might even had a new S.O. Then one day somebody told you that your ex is also quite happy. Some people feel jealous for no reason or angry. It just happens. It may be for a second, a minute or even a month and a year. If it is the last two it is kinda bad. That means you are not over it yet. If it is the first two you are fine. The brain is a tricky little bastard sometimes. That's why I got somewhat jealous too. A little bit. Then I felt good because I wanted her to be happy and that was it. Mistakes were made and lessons were learned or learnt. Whatever floats your boat.

The moral of the story is learning when to let go and when to fight. When to obsess over someone and when to delete that person from your mind.

Love might be war but in this war sometimes the medal of valor goes to the person that knows when to walk away from the fight and never look back.

Introduction To (Love) Me Part VI

It is funny how a party or anything spontaneous can change your life. A stranger introducing herself to you. A spark and a chemical reaction in your brain that you definitely can't stop. A symphony of feelings rushing all over your body. I knew better though. This time was gonna be different. This time I was gonna stay calm and instead of falling all over the place, I would remain in control of my feelings.By now you should know that every time I plan something, nothing goes according to plan. Spoiler alert: It goes two ways. I either get heartbroken or I make a mistake so bad that I can't forgive myself and I carry it for the rest of my life. So let's keep the veil of mystery for a moment here and continue. I started getting ready for my not so fancy because I am poor as fuck date with E. The plan was to pick her up, get on the subway, go to the city centre and have some fun. A part of being poor as fuck is that I never had a car. This might seem like a really funny thing but everyone likes a car. It makes thing easier and when you are in a relationship it can actually save it. If you think that not having a car is not of a big deal you are seriously making fun of yourself. Anyone who tells you that not having a car is not a big deal including your boyfriend or girlfriend is lying to you and this comes from someone who never had a car and still walks to go to work.

Anyway, back to  date night. I picked her up and we went to the city centre. The really bad thing with my dates is that I am always hungry because of my extremely fast metabolism. I suggested to grab something to eat with a bit of hesitation in my voice. She accepted the offer extremely fast because she was really hungry too. That's the spirit, I shouted inside me once again. The place I knew was actually a burger place called Hot-Hot. Great burgers and even greater prices for broke people like me. The bad thing is that my sense of direction is pretty bad so I couldn't remember where this place was. I asked some people and they told me how to get there.

-Don't you know where this place is? She asked with a surprised look on her face.

-Well, my sense of direction is quite bad so I cannot find my way. So please don't leave me alone here because I'm gonna get lost. I said while laughing awkwardly.

-There is no need to worry. Leaving you is the last thing I want to do. She told me confidently.

After 10 minutes of walking we arrived at the burger shop. A huge queue and no tables to sit down and eat properly as always. I totally forgot about that so at that point I started panicking. I make a huge mess every time I don't have a plate to eat or somewhere to sit down. However it was already too late as she was ordering. Where the fuck did that line go you ask? I have no idea. So I started accepting my fate. The date would be over when she sees me eating. After a while the burgers were ready. Suddenly someone just stands up and would you look at that, an empty table. Thank you universe! We started eating and I had a fort of napkins in front of me so she couldn't see me eating.

-Oh come on, don't be shy. She said while laughing.

-No. I'm not gonna let you see me. I said with my mouth full.

- Alright, alright I'm not gonna. She replied full of disappointment.

So, I let my guard down and continued eating my burger and then after some minutes she suddenly pulled all the napkins just to see me eating. I trusted her easily. Damn it Nick, I thought to myself. You had it coming.

I stopped eating and I was just looking at her, shocked of what her reaction was gonna be. The 30 seconds that I had to wait was like a microwave minute. Meaning that it was like a fucking year. Then she started laughing like crazy. I swallowed my food really fast that I almost choked and asked her what is so funny.

She pulled out her phone and took a picture of me and then I saw. My mouth was full of sauce.

-What a piggy you are, she said full of sarcasm while still laughing.

I was too embarrassed to say anything and she realised that. So she started eating like me and she made a mess.

-This is quite romantic. I said and my eyes stared at the floor.

-It actually is. I'm having the time of my life. Thank you. She said in an extremely serious voice.

-Are you actually serious? You don't find disgusting that I eat really fast and make a mess? I asked surprised.

-Why have anyone told you that this is disgusting? You just eat fast. She replied with a curious look.

Fun fact of my date life: Someone has told me that and that is why I never wanted her to see me eat. Another fun fact is that I actually eat really fast but I always thought of this as a really bad thing. However, when someone likes you for who you actually are, they don't really care about silly things like how you eat. A lesson that I never knew until then even though it is so simple and obvious.We had some laughs and our bellies were full. We decided to walk through city centre and enjoy the city until it was time to go for a drink.

After walking around sightseeing for 30 minutes we went to a local bar that was kinda shady. With only 2 people inside this place was quite dead. Yes, these 2 people were me and my date. Actually there was a third one. The bartender. I ordered a double whiskey with no ice and she ordered a glass of vodka with red bull. I wanted to suggest to get the hell out of here after the first drink and go somewhere with more people but I could see that she was having a good time so I didn't. Living in a city can be hard sometimes. It is always so busy, everyone is rushing from morning until late at night and the people are in a constant state of flux. Rushing and rushing and rushing. Everyone is like that and that includes me as well. Some people do it by choice because they like the busy city life and others do it because they have no choice. I was always somewhere in between. I can't live without some rush in my life and I also can't stand not having a quiet or calm moment. Yet, I've never seen any of my friends or relatives or literally anyone choosing to go to a really dead place for a drink and actually having a good time. My date was different though. She was also somewhere in between. She understood that there is a time for everything. She was different. A date is supposed to be an event between two people and nothing else and that was the moment I understood that this was exactly what I was looking for. This balance between fast and slow, calm and loud. The drinks kept coming and coming but we were both smart enough not to get extremely drunk.

The date night was a success after all despite the fact that I can't eat properly because of my gluttony. I was really satisfied with what I had next to me and was actually thinking to stay like this for a long time. Who doesn't like a good, loving and intelligent girlfriend after all? Smart is the new sexy they say and I always agreed with this saying. However it seems that I was not that smart after all because I ended up hurting her after a year by breaking up with her.

Introduction To (Love) Me Part V

Ah, parties. I fucking hate parties. I'm no fun at all and I never understood why. Is it maybe because I prefer to drink myself to death in the comfort of my own house or is it because I find socializing with strangers and trying to play it cool a really stupid idea? It's not that I am anti-social. Not anymore at least. Socialising is actually pretty easy. Conversations are bubbles inside bubbles inside bubbles. Example 1: You see a cute girl and engage in conversation asking about how was her day. Bubble 1 is the day. Then more bubbles pop up just from the word ''day''. The weather was great today/ Are you more of an outdoorsy person or do you prefer indoors blah, blah, blah. This has nothing to do with what I actually want to write but I guess it is a good piece of advice for people who have trouble engaging in conversations. Pro tip: Asking a question or two can give you the control of the conversation but don't tell anyone that. Did I tell you how much I hate parties? Fucking parties with their fucking fake fun and fake smiles. I was always the awkward kid who stood in a corner and talked to nobody. Cool kids were the center of attention and they still are. I am still the same kid who stands in the corner with the only difference that I now drink alcohol instead of water. There was a Christmas party that I got invited some years ago. Christmas is my least favorite celebration of all. This combined with a party was the perfect time for me to stay at home and watch a movie while eating my popcorn miserably and extremely fast. My plan was bulletproof and nothing could go wrong or so I thought. My dear friends decided to invite themselves to the party and take me with them. At this point I have to point out that it was an open party which is the worst kind of party. Why you may ask? Open party equals to single people who want to find a girlfriend or a boyfriend. A terrible hurricane of desperation wearing a mask of smiles and laughs while loud music is playing. That's what an open party is. I prepared my self psychologically and I decided to join my dear friends (the ''dear'' is sarcasm by the way).

We grabbed a cab and after half an hour or so we arrived at my friend's house. Loud music and doors don't go together. We spent 30 more minutes while knocking the door because who has a door bell right? My friend invited us in and I, after saying the fastest what's up in my life, went to look for alcohol. It was summer, which is the season I hate the most but the good thing is that I poured me a drink and went to hang out at the balcony. My plan was to stay there silent, drinking and staring at the stars. That was exactly what I was doing for at least an hour when one of my DEAR friends came to introduce me to another friend of his. My back was turned while he shouted for me to turn  around and introduce myself so I didn't actually know what was behind me.

-OH MY FUCKING GOD GEORGE, the hell you want? I said while turning around to see.

Suddenly silence. It was like there wasn't even a party. My mind was clear. Time stopped and the room was completely silent. All that romantic stuff that happens when you meet someone and it's like you knew that person for your entire life.

-Come on Nick, don't be a buzzkiller. This is E. He kindly replied to my tantrum.

-Well you know me, I'm always the buzzkiller of the gang. I said smoothly while staring in her eyes for some reason that I don't know.

-Hello Nick, nice to meet you. She said with a really cute voice.

-Nice to meet you too. I replied and drank the whole glass of whiskey immediately for the first time in my life.

After talking about what we do and what our hobbies are, I decided to stop staring in her eyes like a kid and stop this insanity which is called love.

-I'll see ya around. Gonna pour myself another drink, I said with a slight good bye tone in my voice.

She got the hint and replied the same. Smart girl to be honest, maybe a little bit too smart.

After drinking half the bottle of the whiskey I was monopolizing since the time I arrived, she came again to talk. I tried to avoid her again, saying that I am drunk and I can't really talk. She interrupted my excuses with a sharp: ''Dance with me, it won't kill ya''. Oh damn I thought. She is really into me and I don't know why. I'm like the worst person ever and she can clearly see it. Yet, she is fighting for me even though she met me an hour ago. Is it possible? Is it possible that this girl I have in front of me might be extremely insane?

-I will dance with you, I replied with a smooth voice once again. So we danced and danced until our legs gave out. We sat on the sofa, laughing and talking about a variety a things that I can't even remember.

A part of me was quite happy with the conversation that E was offering. Another part of me wanted this party to end right now so I could escape the feelings. I was thinking how to escape this when she just grabbed me and kissed me on the spot. I won't say that I resisted. I did the exact opposite to be honest. She was a great kisser I have to admit which made her overall score from an A to an A+.  Of course I don't mark people, this is just a representation to show how much I liked her. On the other hand this is what someone who marks people would say. My friends were extremely drunk because they could never actually drink properly so I really had to go at that point and I was actually sad. I tried to stand up and she grabbed my hand firmly.

-I know that you need to go she said. Well god damn girl, I gently screamed inside me. She actually read my whole thought process just by looking at me. The thing is that I could also read her thought process so I immediately said that I was not looking for a relationship as I was not ready at the moment.

-I don't need a relationship either. Let's take it slow and see how it goes, how about that? She said and smiled back to me.

-What exactly are you looking for? I can assure you that you can find someone better than me to waste your time. Trust me, I've spend lots of time with my self. I am a really difficult  person. I said and looked at the floor with a fading smile on my lips.

-Well, I'm looking for everything and also nothing. I'm looking for someone that I can kiss. Something just like this.

For a moment there I was kinda shocked. I thought she was actually telling me that she just wanted a casual fling and all. Then I looked at her face and realised that she was as lonely as me. The same empty eyes I had. The same fake smile I was using when I was socialising with strangers at parties. She was rubbing her hands nervously while waiting for my answer. I was thinking for 15 seconds but I bet that she felt these seconds like days.

''I understand. How about dinner tomorrow? I know a place''. I said with a big smile.

She smiled back at me and nodded her head up and down really fast like a cute baby that was offered ice cream and gave me her number.I tried to wake up my friends and bring them back into reality with no success. So I just picked them up one by one and carried them to the cab thus, ending our party night out.

Too bad I didn't have anyone to share what happened.