The Essence of Friendship

I was always a firm believer that truth always would be triumphant in any situation. I wanted to be as truthful as I could in a distorted mirror full of lies and cracks called ''our world.'' Everyone lies, no exception. Everyone lied at some point in life, still lies and will lie as life goes on. Surely there are people who lie less than the average but a lie is still a lie no matter what reason there may be behind it, important or not, a lie is still a lie. The same can be said for many things such as death for example. You don't how somebody died. You care that they did and they are no more in your life. You may say that you care about the cause of death and there can be extreme cases but the final result is the same and that's what hurts the most. They are gone. Same with relationships or any other kind of social interaction. When something is missing, you don't care how it went away, you care that you can't have it anymore. In the case of lies, the thing missing is trust. Trust is a pivotal foundation for friendship and relationships in general. Some people believe that friendship is a ''holy'' thing to have. Something that must not be broken in any way because friendship is THAT important to them. They also think that every single human being they meet thinks the same way as them. Especially their friends. They firmly believe that their friends have the same point of view as them, just because they are friends.

It can be argued that the more you have in common with someone, the better the relationship. I always disagreed with that opinion as I thought that the things you don't have in common challenge each other's minds and make you a better person. Friendship is about challenging times, sad moments and tornadoes. Everyone can be good while everything is nice and sunny. True friendship is a test of time and hardship. It's the fact that you can accept all the bad behaviours your friend has and truly love him for who he is. Of course this is a statement that should never exceed normal situations. Extremely bad habits are no good.

I for example can't be with someone else for long periods of time and that is why I never went for a holiday trip with a girlfriend or friend. This is my bad habit which is not extreme but can be somewhat annoying. Obviously, this habit prohibits me of having too many friends thus making me not so popular. Yet, I got like 10 and that's enough for me. Ten people who accepted this habit and other stupid things and became friends with me throughout my life. That's what friendship is in my opinion. To know that someone has a certain problem yet accept that problem and make him a better person through your friendship. The sole fact that my best friends does not have this habit makes him quite different from me, illustrating my second point. When you have less things in common with someone yet you work well together it's better than you being 90% the same with your friend and working well together. For when hardships come, that supposed good friendship is going to be destroyed for no reason at all. But, I don't wanna be completely biased here and say that every single friendship like the above is not a real friendship. I've seen many people who are almost twins concerning their behaviours and they are doing quite good.

I believed that friendships were a ''holy'' thing to have in your life. Until everything crashed and reality kicked in. No friendship is holy, people will come and people will go until at some point some will stay and that is it. Nothing more, nothing less, just a simple term defining that some people will be there. Everyone has their own reasons when they leave or stay. They may like you for what you really are or run away when they actually see the real you. There is a saying about relationships in general. ''People have 3 masks. One of them is for their family, the second is used for their friends and significant others and the third one is for them to use and them alone." I believe this saying to be true. There are secrets that we keep from our family that only our friends or romantic relationships only know and the opposite and behaviours we only express while being with these people. Yet, there is this third mask or secret or however you want to call it that only we know. Only we know who we truly are. Everyone else might know a good percentage of it or others may know nothing but only we know what light and darkness we hold inside.

But how could someone know 90% of who we truly are?  Through the hardships and tests I stated above obviously. The closer you come to someone through hard times the more that someone knows about you and the same can be said for you. They are more knowledgeable about you and you are more knowledgeable about them and you know what they say. ''Knowledge is power.'' Friendships is basically you, giving power to someone else while they do the same. You hold power over them and they hold power over you. The specifics of the power are determined by who knows more about the other. If I know nothing about my friend but he knows everything about me I hold no power over him. While the term of friendship could be explained by two people going through bad times together and smiling the essence of friendship is far more dangerous yet captivating.  The essence of friendships is holding this tremendous amount of power over someone's life and feelings yet choosing to do nothing to hurt them but to use the power you have to create a better version of that friend you met long ago and develop along with him or her.  

I'll leave you with a question that always haunted my mind. Almost everything we do holds a risk. When you pick up a glass for example it might slip and fall thus breaking in pieces. It is a risk but it is not a huge one. The question is:

Is giving that much power to someone worth the risk?

What Matters In The End

She stood there, on the other side of the road, watching him. Her eyes had a blank stare, a haunting gaze that could petrify.  "That is what matters in the end", he whispered to himself. He looked at her full of anger and sadness. Lost in his thoughts with his eyes fixed on her. He couldn't look anything but her. Small drops of water coming down on their heads. It was like heaven wanted them to cool down and relax so they could see their self destruction. A fatal attraction that was never going to be good for anyone. That's what she thought about them. A heaven sent gift was the verdict for the opossite side. A blank page that never existed and the most wonderful yet short memories combined together. In his fist he carried the dream he had for both of them. However, her fists were open for the rain to wash away. He wanted her to know that she could grant her wishes. Fight for her. No matter how far away he was or how difficult the goal may be. He wanted her to know that but the wind was too loud for her to hear his whisper.

The rain blurred his vision more and more but he didn't want to open his fists. "As time has passed little by little, I have come to realize that nothing of what I'm seeing is real. At least I think so." He stated nervously. His vision blurred even more, at the point where he couldn't see her face anymore. He wanted to see her past-her now and future to come. He wanted to be there to protect her. Mostly, to protect her from herself. To stop the crying and self loathing. To stop the pain and her guilt. To hold her once again in his arms and captivate her with his words. That's all he ever had. Words to fend the pain away and heal her wounds but deep inside him he knew- words are never enough. Nothing is good enough but all he could do is try and try again until the words reach her ears through the dreadful wind that was blowing. He could see his world twisting and twisting without an end in sight. A fade laughter could be heard from the other side as the rain kept  falling on him, making him weak.

He opened his fists to wipe away the rain from his eyes and there was nothing on the other side. All this time it was just him and his dream that just let go thus wiping away the weakness he had, waging war with himself once again. It was always him, just him and nobody else. A mirror with two sides. One blinded by a noble cause and a second one full of savage instincts and nightmares. A hellish symphony shifting from major to minor cords.

"Τhat's the only thing that matters in the end." He said once again.

"Nothing matters in the end."

Τhe Curse He Always Wanted

Life can sometimes be beautfiul. On the other hand there are times that life can be extremely cruel. For years he tried to avoid a certain question that was hautning his mind for years. Yet, no matter how fast he ran the question seemed always able to catch up. This awful question, chasing him for years and years. His stamina giving up on him rapidly. He thought he was at the at the final straight of the race. He thought he was going to win it. In the last few meters he realised that there is no avoiding it, no winning. A false hope created by his own mind to keep him sane all this time. The good thing about hope is that it makes you a better version of your self. The bad thing about it is that when hope fades you have nothing to grab as you are falling into a pit of self despair. Slowly but steadily this despair was coming his way.

He could see the darkness closing in, ever increasing in speed. He was torn between acceptance and denial of that darkness. He was there once, what could go wrong? However, how easy would it be to adapt in his own loneliness again? Ιs this actually the way it is going to end? He thought to himself. One question after another bombarding his mentality. Is this thing how supposed to end? Does he really deserve no love at all after all? Τhe fact that he was not going to win the race was the answer. The confirmation of his question and the end of his torment. Αt least there is a silver lining- he said and a small grin was created on his face. Ηis pace decreased as he looked above his shoulder, ready and bracing for impact. No seatbelt needed! He shouted as the shadows creeped closer. His arms opened and the grin became bigger. He was ready and he knew it. He understood at last that this was his true self. His true nature and there was no way around it. No escape, no race, no way out. This was his destiny, what he was meant to be. As dark as his worst nightmares and as cruel as life itself. Hell reincarnated and more devious than ever. It's not like he was ever given a choice. Only the illusion of it. A fade voice could be heard inside the shadows calling him out. "What did you actually think it was gonna happen"? Said the voice in an ironic tone. He didn't dignify it with an answer. Instead he stared right into the abyss full of confidence ready to accept whatever that darkness held inside all this years that was suppressed. He gave up so much along the way. Lost so many things and feelings. It was time for him to gain something back even though that something coulb be the worst thing until now. Ηis old gift and his favorite curse all in one. The curse he relentlessly tried to get rid of through sleepless nights and tons of alcohol. The curse that loved him obsesively all this time and never let him go throughout his  life. Hope on the other hand always let him down. Leaving the moments it needed it the most. Leavin him hanging by a thread, in fear for his life and what he will become in the future.

The darkness was always there. Always reliable. The darkness was the one who took him home. Gave him a refuge and let him heal, become stronger and smarter. Like a crazy girlfriend always watching in the backgroung waiting for the right time to come and play her cards the right way. SHE was there when his hands were shaking from the fear of loss. SHE was there when he lost everything and gave him something to fill the void. He gave him more void as there is no void to fill if you do not feel anything. SHE raised him from a small wolf to a lone black one. In need of no one else but himself. Even when he rejected her she was still there for him. Watching closely every move he took. SHE was the ugly truth about the world he never accepted to see. In his defence everyone would prefer to blind themselves from that kind of uglyness. He couldn't stand it. So much pain around him and inside his soul. He wasn't able to handle all these negative feelings SHE gave him but SHE gave these feelings for a reason. So he could see that whatever happens, he would always going to be alone. No matter how good things would go, everything will be set to crumble in pieces at some point and he would always go back right where he began- being alone.

As the shadows drew closer and he felt HER touch, he smiled even more. "Feelings are like a wine bottle", he whispered. "When you open it, it may be the best wine you have ever had but when you let it open it loses taste. The feelings disappear in thin air and then there is nothing but an empty bottle to keep you company". Τhe darkness engulfed him even more and voices of despair and loneliness could be heard inside the endless void of it. Life may be cruel sometimes but it is time to show life how cruel his obedient little puppet can get, he said as he faded into the black.

When I met you again

She looked from her window mesmerized from the majestic view. Everything looked so unfamiliar and strange even though she looked from the same position everyday for about four years. Recalling a most dark memory from a most unfriendly corner of her mind was enough to tear her up momends later. She could resist but she chose to give her last part of her soul to his touch. She couldn’t resist to the memories any more, she let herself free and she sank to her sorrow. Everything changed throughout the last year, everything still changes but she can’t accept it… She clenched her fist and continued her thoughts, her eyes were red from her sorrow and the tears were like the rivers, unstoppable…

She gave 6 years to someone that she chose to leave behind because she was too scared to get through the pain that he gave to her, too fragile for his unstable hands though too right for him. She could read him like an open book and he could calm her down with a single loving and caring look. But she left him anyway, she run away from her feelings; it was what she knew to do best. She convinced herself that she got over him and continued her life making new relationships and scattered her into cheap feelings with cheap persons whose names even were not worthy for her to remember.

A year later, when she came back to her home town she decided to meet him up with the illusion that she wouldn’t mind it at all. Oh dear Lord; little did she know at how wrong she was.. He was there staring of her thinking how beautiful she was. He was crying and she wanted to take him into her arms, she wanted to take his pain and make him hers. But she couldn’t. She decided to play a role but as always, the joke was on her. He wanted to meet her again and she accepted because it was something that she also wanted. They went at a bay and sat down somewhere that it doesn’t matter. He had her into his arms and she felt that she was at home. What a peculiar creatures we are, only when we lose someone we understand their true impact on our lives.The background was full of music, she was staring him in the eyes while a certain song made the moment special. It was the ‘’Mind if I stay’’ of Kadebostany. She had him in her arms, her heart was beating eagerly. She wanted so much to kiss him and be one with him and her wish came true after a while. As he was looking at her beautiful blue eyes she told her that he wanted to kiss her. So she grabs the moment and kissed him. And then they were one, he made love to her...  but he didn’t want anymore to have her in his life. You see, soon enough he was about to begin his new life in Athens and she was something like a burden because he wanted to move on, live his magnificent life away from here. Having sex with differed women; be with differed women and having her into his way he couldn’t do these kind of things.

It was such a difficult situation for a fragile human being like her, she was pouring her heart out to him and he was returning the flavor with bland and meaningless words. She looked again out. For a moment, for this particular and single moment she thought to jump from her balcony and give an end to everything that she was living. She was mow certain that he won't come back,despite her needing him so much in her life. He told her that for him she weren’t his little girl anymore, that special and pure little girl and that he won’t come back for her, not any more. She was heartbroken, she felt completely alone. As she was sitting near the window she was reading again and again his texts. She wanted to go visit him in Athens for one more last time.For one last time, she wanted these last few moments with him so badly. He promised this last hug, this last kiss, these last 5 days with him. But his promises were nothing more than a beautiful lie. He wanted to go away and she were heartbroken. She left him because she felt unwanted then, he left her now because he wanted to live this great bachelor life that he were leaving for at least one year; spending no more than a week with women that were too easy for him… She looked for one more time through the window, it was now dark outside. She touched her chest feeling the emptiness of her existence and then she decided to follow this darkness as it was the only relief from her pain.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsAW1RL1VLs

Κατεδάφιση και Ανακαίνιση

Πάντα θεωρούσα τις σχέσεις πολύ απλές. Λίγη επικοινωνία, λίγη εμπιστοσύνη και δύναμη και απο τις δύο πλευρές και όλα πάνε καλά. Αυτό βέβαια είναι η δική μου όπτικη γωνία για τις σχέσεις και η αλήθεια είναι πως δεν την έχουν και πολλά άτομα. Διαφορετικοί άνθρωποι φέρουν και διαφορετικές αντιδράσεις. Κάποιοι πέφτουν με την μούρη στον έρωτα, χτίζουν θεμέλια εξ αρχής και φαντάζονται το μέλλον ενώ κάνουν σχέδια μακροπρόθεσμα. Άλλοι επιλέγουν να παραμείνουν κλειστοί και χωρίς πολλά πολλά. Χάος και καταστροφή. Αυτό γίνεται όταν τέτοια άτομα συναντιούνται. Το χάος βέβαια μπορεί να είναι και καλό και άσχημο. Συνήθως όμως, στο τέλος, είναι άσχημο. Δεν είμαι υποστηρικτής των ανθρώπων που θεωρούν πως πρέπει να έχεις ένα εκατομύρριο κοινά για να πετύχει μια σχέση αλλα όταν είσαι απαθής και κρύος, δύσκολο να λειτουργήσει το όλο θέμα. Η μέρα και η νύχτα χρειάζονται η μία την άλλη αλλα η κάθεμια έχει και την ώρα της. Δεν μπορούν να είναι μαζι παρα μόνο να συνυπάρχουν σε μια ζωή που τους έμελε να μην συναντηθούν ποτέ. Κλειστά τα παράθυρα ο ένας και ο δεύτερος να προσπαθει να τα ανοίξει.

Ο επιμένων νικά λένε αν και ποτέ δεν συμφωνούσα. Γιατί να προσπαθήσεις για κάποιον που σε έχει κλειδωμένο έξω; Εδώ περιπλέκονται τα πράγματα. Προφανώς τα συναισθήματα κάποιου τον κάνουν και προσπαθεί. Δεν σκέφτεται αν είναι μάταιο ή όχι. Εδώ μπαίνει το κλισέ του καλύτερα να προσπαθήσεις παρα να το μετανιώνεις για πάντα. Σταυροφορία στο όνομα μιας αγάπης λοιπόν και ας χυθεί και αίμα. Μια αλλαγή σκηνικού προς το ψέμα. Όλοι μας έχουμε πεί και ακόμα λέμε ψέματα. Με τα χρόνια κάπως μου την βάρεσε και άρχισα να ψάχνω την απόλυτη ειλικρίνια. Έγινα πιο ωμός σε αυτά που έλεγα χωρίς να βάζω ζάχαρη και τρούφα. Η απόλυτη ειλικρίνια προφανώς και δεν υπάρχει. Σε μια σχέση όμως πρέπει να επικοινωνούμε και να λέμε στον άλλον ότι τον αφορά. Απο το πιο μικρό μέχρι το πιο μεγάλο. Πολλά πράγματα θα τα κρατήσουμε για εμάς μα όταν είμαστε δύο και όχι ένας υπάρχει ένα πρόβλημα με αυτό. Ο δεύτερος είναι εκεί για να μοιραστεί το βάρος στις βαλίτσες μας. Όταν τα θεμέλια έχουν χτιστεί και κρατάς μια βαριοπούλα πίσω απο την πλάτη, το σωστό θα ήταν να δώσεις μια μικρή προειδοποίηση για το τι επιφυλάσει το μέλλον. Όχι τίποτα άλλο, αλλά όταν σπάσεις τον πρώτο πυλώνα, τα πάντα θα ακολουθήσουν και τα συντρίμια θα πλακώσουν αυτόν που έμεινε πίσω και χτίζει ακόμη. Μπορεί ακόμα και αν του το πείς να επιλέξει να βυθιστεί με το πλοίο και τελικά να μείνει πίσω μα τουλάχιστον θα το ξέρει και θα προετοιμαστεί ψυχολογικά.

Το αόριστο είναι τρομακτικό και το ξαφνικό ακόμα χειρότερο. Η συνήθεια έχει δύο όψεις. Κάποιοι την λένε βαρεμάρα χωρίς να καταλαβαίνουν πως όταν χωρίζεις αυτό είναι που σε πονάει πιο πολύ. Το γεγονός οτι χάθηκε ένα κομμάτις της ζωής σου το οποίο δεν ήταν απαραίτητα το πιο σημαντικό η το καλύτερο μα κάτι που είχες συνηθήσει και ήξερες πως θα ήταν εκεί. Το συναίσθημα της ασφάλειας που τόσο πολύ έχεις ως δεδομένο και ο ήχος αυτού να σπάει. Αυτό πονάει. Αυτό το γαμημένο μήνυμα που λάμβανες κάθε πρωί και τώρα λείπει. Η φωνή στο τηλέφωνο που σου έλεγε πάμε βότλα οι δυό μας σημερα. Προφανώς και δεν μειώνω κανέναν απο τους δύο αλλά ρεαλιστικά αυτό είναι που σε τρώει. Γιατί στην τελική, άμα αγαπάς κάποιον τον αγαπάς όπου και να είναι. 'Οπως ανέφερα και πιο πάνω όμως το ξαφνικό είναι ακόμα χειρότερο. Πάνω απο όλα γιατί δεν είχες τον χρόνο να προετοιμαστείς. Βομβαρδισμος απλών αλλά άπονων πληροφοριών και μένεις απλά να κοιτάς τον κόπο σου να γκρεμίζεται απο το πουθενά. Ό χρόνος αντίδρασης μικρός έως και μηδαμινός και ένας καταραμένος κόμπος στον λαιμό που σε αποτρέπει να φωνάξεις ότι νιώθεις μέσα σου. Ένα συναίσθημα μεταξύ λύπης και θυμού καθώς μένεις αβοήθητος και σιγά σιγά αποδέχεσαι πως κάτι που θεωρούσες καλο τελείωσε, πριν κάν αρχίσει. Τέτοιες στιγμές σε κάνουν να αναρωτιέσαι πολλά πράγματα. Τι θα μπορούσες να είχες κάνει διαφορετικά και αν θα είχε καν σημασία. Η πιο άσχημη σκέψη παρόλα αυτά είναι αυτό το: "Τσάμπα προσπάθησα και καλύτερα να μην ξαναπροσπαθήσω για κανέναν".

Στο τέλος όμως αυτή είναι η όλη μαγκιά. Εκεί φαίνεται η ποιότητα του ανθρώπου. Η ικανότητα στο να βλέπει τα πάντα να καταρρέουν και παρόλα αυτά να είναι έτοιμος να αρχίσει απο την αρχή το χτίσιμο πριν προλάβουν να πέσουν τα συντρίμια στο έδαφος.

Through The Fire

There I was, waiting for her. Waiting for her for the first time and there she was. Walking elegantly. I could see her from the other side of the street. There she was burning my heart without even knowing. She had a big smile on her face and sparks in her two beautiful and dark eyes. Nice to meet you again, I said. Nice to meet you too, she said and giggled. She grabbed my hand suddenly, without a warning, entangling her fingers in mine. A happy confusion overrun me for a moment but I kept going at the same walking pace as her. We needed not to talk with each other. The silence was letting us know everything we wanted. A comfortable and reassuring silence that I never had and I will not have again-- ever. It was cold that day. Mostly because it was winter. Yet her hands were quite warm. Maybe it had to do something with the gloves she was wearing but I want to believe it was something more magical than mere gloves. She started showing me around the area as this was my first time coming here. As a naive child I was amazed by the little tour of her's. I'm sure my enhtusiasm for her beauty had something to do with the amazement. We continued our journey and all we could do was stare at each other. I was staring at her amazingly straight hair. I don't know why she was staring at me though and what exactly could someone find attractive on me but I was quite happy that she felt the same as I did. 

Oh, how wrong I was. How wrong I was for thinking that she felt the same as me. She never did. Fast forward a year and there I was. Waiting again. Waiting for the last time. Waiting for the fire to extinguish and when the fire stopped all that was left was ashes. Ashes of my perfect relationship. Ashes of a perfect girl.
She was and always will be one of my best friends. She was also like a sister to me and my girlfriend too.
Standing in the dust of all this was her. Opposite of me. She stared blankly at the ashes. I was secretly wishing for her not to look at me. My wish never came true. She raised her head and looked at me with the most beautiful yet sad eyes I have ever seen. Her tears flowing like a river down her peachy cheecks.  Her stare changed from a blank one to a more frustrated and curious look. Curious about what happened here. Frustrated about why it happened. I can only imagine the questions and anger inside her mind and what a mind that was. I could not help my self but just say that I was sorry. Yet, what a sorry could do? Could it fix all this? Could it Make her feel better? Of course not. Nothing could fix this and nothing could repair her broken heart. 

Maybe we took so many chances I said--
Or maybe we left so many pass us.

Such bullshit, she shouted with her tearful eyes, trying to find something to make sense out of all this. The only way was through the smoke but the journey needed two people. I was not willing to go through the smoke. Up until now, even though I had many sleepless nights about this I never understood why I was not willing. Maybe I was immature or just plain stupid. If left her alone in the middle of the storm and left. The only thing that I really wish to be true is that I saved her from someone who could do a lot more damage in the long run. I saved her from me. If I was to believe that I deprived my self from a soulmate that would make me extremely depressed. 

How wrong I was. How wrong I was for thinking that she felt the same as me. She never did. She felt stronger than anyone. She could go through the fire and not the smoke. She was willing to fight for me.  She was willing to accept all the invisible abnormalities in me and I wish I could say you are that one girl in a million but you are not. You are definitely much better than that.

Besides, no one can handle a firestrom like you did.

Αναμνησεις

Περίεργο το πως λειτουργεί το μυαλό μερικές φορές. Μπορεί να περάσουν μέρες, μήνες ή χρόνια και να είναι όλα καλά. Ο ήλιος να λάμπει και εσύ να κάθεσαι σε μια ξαπλώστρα μια καλοκαιρινή μέρα απολαμβάνωντας ένα μοχίτο και ξαφνικά το μυαλό σου να γεμίσει με αναμνήσεις μιας παλιάς ζωής και εποχής. Μια σκληρή μετάβαση στην πραγματικότητα που τόσο καιρό δεν έβλεπες. Λίγο η άρνηση, λίγο τα ποτά, τα ξενύχτια και τα γέλια σε έκαναν και ξέχασες. Θαμμένα μυστικά και ξεχασμένα πάθη ενός έρωτα που δεν λέει να πεθάνει. Μια πίκρα στα χείλη δυνοδευόμενο απο έναν κόμπο στον λαιμό που σχεδόν σου κόβει την ανάσα.

      Συναισθήματα πνιγμένα μέσα σε εγωισμό και αλκοόλ που προσπθούν να αναπηδήσουν, να βγούν στην επιφάνεια και ο κόμπος να γίνεται ολοένα και πιο σφιχτός. Οι επιστροφές έρχονται εκεί που δεν τις προσδοκείς. Έρχονται όταν δεν περιμένεις τίποτα απο αυτές.  Πέρασες καταστάσεις γεμάτες πόνο και δάκρυα, πέρασε ο χρόνος και σταμάτησε το κλάμα και η απορία σου μία: 'Τι να θέλουν αυτές οι επιστροφές''; Τώρα που σταμάτησες να νοιάζεσαι, τι να τις κάνεις;

Δύσκολο πράγμα ο χωρισμός. Δεν είναι λίγο να χάνεις την γή κάτω απο τα πόδια σου. Η προδοσία πονάει όποιος και αν είσαι. Έσπασε το γυαλί, είδες τα πραγματικά, διεστραμμένα είδωλα της σχέσης και τρόμαξες. Τρόμαξες μα έμεινες. Αγάπη είναι να παλεύεις για αυτό που θέλεις. Να γατζώνεσαι και να δινεις την ψυχή σου για μια ακόμα βραδιά. Τι να τον κάνεις τον ενθουσιασμό και τις τρέλες όταν θέλεις απλά κάποιον για να νιώσει το μυαλό σου;

 Πολλές οι ερωτήσεις και οι αναμνήσεις να συνεχίζουν να παίζουν σαν ταινία μικρόυ μήκους στο κεφάλι σου, προσπαθώντας να σε κάνουν να χάσεις τα λογικά σου. Κλείνεις τα μάτια, βάζεις τα ακουστικά στα αυτιά και ανεβάζεις την ένταση, μήπως και πνίξεις τις φωνές που μιλάνε για αγάπες και λατρεμένες νύχτες. Ξέρεις καλύτερα απο το να πέσεις στην παγίδα. Επέλεξες την μοναξιά, γιατί στην μοναξιά υπάρχεις μόνο εσύ. Η σιωπή σκοτώνει καθετί ξεχωριστό και έμαθες να ζείς μέσα της.
Ένα καταφύγιο που ποτέ του δεν θα σπάσει ή τουλάχιστον έτσι νομίζεις, μιας που η σιωπή σου σε τύφλωσε. Κάθε περιπέτεια, ένα λιγότερο κομμάτι καρδιάς μέσα σου. Τα χάριζες απλόχερα χωρίς να σκεφτείς ούτε μια στιγμή τον εαυτό σου. Μέχρι που δεν έμεινε τίποτα να δώσεις και τίποτα για να κρατήσεις. Η σιωπή μπάζει γιατί είναι κενή. Κενό εσύ, κενή και αυτή.

Όσο οι φωνές γίνονται δυνατότερες απο την μουσική σου καταλαβαίνεις πως δεν έχει νόημα να αρνείσαι αυτά που θεωρείς αδυναμία. Μάταια η αντίσταση κατά των συναισθημάτων. Η θετική πλευρά είναι πως έχεις κάτι ακόμα να δώσεις και στην καλύτερη των περιπτώσεων, να πάρεις κάτι πίσω. Όχι πως σε νοιάζει αλλά η σκέψη του να είσαι πράγματι κενός σε μουδιάζει. Ο χρόνος δεν γιατρεύει της πληγές μερικές φορές. Πάντα άκουγες το κλισέ του '' Ο χρόνος είναι ο μεγαλύτερος γιατρός''. Ο ένας και μοναδικός γιατρός της ψυχής έλεγαν, χωρις να σκεφτούν πως μερικές φορές δεν θέλεις να γιατρευτείς. Η αγάπη δεν πεθαίνει αν δεν την αφήσεις να πεθάνει. Μένει, υπομένει και επιμένει αρκεί να το θέλεις. Ο έρωτας γερνά, η αγάπη ποτέ. Οι φωτογραφίες πιάνουν σκόνη μέσα σε αραχνιασμένα συρτάρια και κουτιά μέσα σε σοφήτες. Οι αναμνήσεις απο την άλλη μένουν για όσο θέλεις εσύ να μείνουν.

Οι ευκαιρίες έρχονται και φεύγουν μα κάποιες ευκαιρίες δεν θα έπρεπε να χαθούν. Για αυτό μίλα. Μίλα πριν σε φάει αυτό το κενό της σιωπής. Το αδιέξοδο που δεν έχει επιστροφή, γεμάτο με λύπη και σπασμένα κομμάτια μιας καρδιάς δειλής που ποτέ δεν ρίσκαρε να τα χάσει όλα για κάτι που θεωρούσε πως άξιζε. Έτσι και αλλιώς, όλα για μια τέλεια ατέλεια γίνονται.

Αστραπές κ.α

Κεραυνοβόλος έρωτας..Αχ. Μπαίνεις σε ένα δωμάτιο και ξαφνικά βλέπεις ένα άτομο και ολόκληρος ο κόσμος σου γυρνάει ανάποδα. Η ήρεμη λίμνη που είχες μέσα σου τόσο καιρό ταράζεται απο μια μικρή μα τόσο σημαντική πέτρα που δημιουργεί ένα ripple effect. Ο χρόνος παγώνει απο το πουθενά και το μυαλό σου σταματάει να λειτουργεί. Εκεί καταλαβαίνεις αυτές τις χαζομάρες που ακούς απο άλλους η έχεις δει σε ταινίες Αυτά τα περί καρδιάς, μιας που η καρδία σου βαράει τόσο δυνατά λες και θέλει να βγει απο το στήθος σου και να γίνει ένα με την καρδιά του άλλου. Τα 10 δευτερόλεπτα που έχεις κάτσει και κοιτάς μοιάζουν με χρόνια. Όλο σου το σώμα είναι μουδιασμένο με μια δόση παράδεισου. Αυτό το μαγικό συναίσθημα που τίποτα δεν μπορεί να το σταματήσει και φτιάχτηκε με έναν και μόνο σκοπό απο τότε που ερωτεύτηκε ο πρώτος άνθρωπος. Να κάνει τον μεγαλύτερο σεισμό που έχεις δεί αλλά μέσα σου. Στέκεσαι παγωμένος να θαυμάζεις την πιο αιθέρια παρουσία και πρωτοφανή ομορφιά που έχεις δει στην ζωή σου μη ξέροντας τι να πείς ακριβώς για να σπάσεις τον πάγο και τι να κάνεις για να μην σταματήσει αυτός ο ηλεκτρισμός που υπάρχει στην ατμόσφαιρα. Μα και να ήξερες τι θα έκανες; Πάς να ξεστομίσεις το παραμικρό αλλα οι λέξεις δεν βγαίνουν απο το στόμα σου. Πανικοβάλλεσαι στην σκέψη οτι θα χάσεις την μια και μοναδική ευκαιρία που έχεις στον έρωτα, μιας που έτσι σου φαίνεται εκείνη την στιγμή. Ίσως και να είναι και η μοναδική. Ποιός ξέρει;

Διάφορες σκέψεις  βομβαρδίζουν το μυαλό σου καθώς η όπτική επαφή δεν έχει σπάσει ούτε για 1 δευτερόλεπτο. Νιώθει το ίδιο η μήπως με κοιτάζει γιατι δεν έχει ιδέα γιατί τα μάτια μου είναι καρφωμένα; Φανταστικά σενάρια με γάμους, παιδιά και σπίτια με άσπρους φράχτες. Όλοι το έχουμε κάνει (ας το παραδεχθούμε) ή μήπως είμαι ο μόνος; Σκέφτεσαι πως θα ήταν αυτός ο άνθρωπος μέσα στην σχέση και πόσο χαρούμενο θα σε έκανε απλά η ύπαρξη αυτού του ανθρώπου κοντά σου.

Ένα δειλό ''γειά'' βγαίνει μαζί με το όνομα σου. Κάθεσαι αποχαυνωμένος, πανικόβλητος ίσως μιας που η αγωνία για το τι θα βγει απο το στόμα του άλλου σε τρομάζει. Ακούς το όνομα και ακόμα ένα διστακτικό γειά και το χαμόγελο φτάνει μέχρι τα αυτιά σε σημείο που σε πονάνε τα ζυγωματικά σου. Λές και σου ανακοίνωσαν πως νίκησες το τζόκερ η κάτι τέτοιο. Από την άλλη, μπορεί όντως να είσαι και ο υπερτυχερός η ο τυχερός μέσα στην ατυχία. Μια σχέση έχει τα πάνω και τα κάτω της. Τίποτα στην ζωή δεν είναι στρωμένο με ροδοπέταλα. Χρειάζεται θυσίες, συμβιβασμούς και επικοινωνία. Θέλει να υπάρξουν άσχημα για να εκτιμήσεις τα όμορφα και το αντίστροφο. Τι θα ήταν το λάθος αν δεν υπήρχε το σωστό άλλωστε; Η εμπιστοσύνη χτίζεται λένε, δεν κερδίζεται. Πάντα πίστευα πως τα λόγια αυτά ήταν πολύ επαγγελματικά για να έχουν επιρροή στην μη επαγγελματική ζωή κάποιου. Είναι λόγια που θα έλεγε κάποιος που δεν έχει νιώσει αυτή την αστραπή στο κεφάλι. Όταν κοιτάς τον άνθρωπο που έχεις απέναντι και ελπίζεις να μην σου ζητήσει να πας να πέσεις απο τον γκρεμό γιατί θα το έκανες. Όχι επειδή είσαι ηλίθιος η τυφλός. Επειδή θα έκανες τα πάντα. Τυφλός είσαι όταν σου έχει ζητήσει να πέσεις ήδη καμιά 10αριά φορές και εσύ νομίζεις πως πίσω απο αυτά υπάρχει αγάπη. Πίσω στο θέμα μας. Η εμπιστοσύνη δίνεται σε ανθρώπους που εμείς πιστεύουμε πως αξίζουν. Κανείς σε φιλία δεν κέρδισε εμπιστοσύνη. Την δώσαμε απλόχερα απο την πρώτη στιγμή. Εξαιρούνται βέβαια άτομα που είναι σε συμμορίες και πρέπει να φέρουν το δάχτυλο ενός μέλους μιας αντίπαλης συμμορίας. Το ίδιο είναι και με την αγάπη. Δεν περιμένουμε ποτέ τίποτα πίσω. Αν περιμένεις το παραμικρό τότε αναθεώρησε. Ίσως να μην είναι και τόσο έρωτας. Τώρα θα μου πείς, άλλο ο έρωτας αλλο η αγάπη χαζέ. Προφανώς και είναι 2 διαφορετικά πράγματα. Διαφορετικά μα σε κάποιους τομείς ίδια. Σαν τα i-phones ένα πράγμα. Το ένα ειναι πιο μικρό το άλλο είναι πιο μεγάλο. Κάποια κρατάνε και κάποια όχι. Ο έρωτας είναι πιο πολύ ο ενθουσιασμός παρά αυτή η αγάπη και ανιδιοτέλεια Μπορείς παρόλα αυτά να είσαι ερωτευμένος πολλά χρόνια και να τον αγαπάς τον άνθρωπο και εκεί είναι που τα πράγματα περιπλέκονται

Τα συναισθήματα ξεθυμαίνουν σε κάποια φάση. Αυτή είναι η σκληρή αλήθεια. Με εξαίρεση το 1 στο εκατομμύριο τα περισσότερα συναισθήματα ξεθυμαίνουν. Πολλές οι θεωρίες στο γιατί αλλά δεν χρειάζεται να τις πώ μιας που όλοι οι άνθρωποι είναι διαφορετικοί Μπορείς να είσαι ερωτευμένος και να σου φύγει. Μπορεί να αγαπάς κάποιον και μια μέρα να ξυπνήσεις και να πείς πως πνίγεσαι και δεν αντέχεις άλλο. Μπορεί το πρώτο να φύγει και να μείνει το 2ο. Μπορεί να γίνει και το αντίστροφο. Στην χειρότερη περίπτωση δεν μένει και τίποτα.  Η πιο συχνή αφορμή που μια ζωή βλέπω είναι το γνωστό ''βαρέθηκα'' όταν τα πράγματα δεν πάνε τόσο καλά ή όταν η σχέση είναι στάσιμη. Πράγμα απόλυτα αποδεκτό. Απο μια άλλη οπτική γωνία απίστευτα χαζό. Αν όντως βαρέθηκε ένας απο τους δύο γιατί να μην μιλήσετε και να αλλάξετε κάτι; Μήπως φταίει αυτή η άπονη η κοινωνία που μας έμαθε να πετάμε τις σπασμένες λάμπες και να βάζουμε καινούριες ή ο ρομαντισμός και υπερβολική θεοποίηση της ''καινούριας περιπέτειας'', του ''απαγορευμένου η του "καλοκαιρινού έρωτα''; Το απαγορευμένο είναι πάντα το καλύτερο λένε ή αυτό που θέλεις είναι λίγο καλοκαίρι, ένα μοχίτο στο χέρι και έναν καλοκαιρινό έρωτα. Εκεί έρχεται η στιγμή που στην ουσία πρέπει να πάρεις μια φανταστική ζυγαριά στο μυαλό σου και να ζυγίζεις αυτά που έχεις με αυτά που θέλεις. Προφανώς και  δεν είμαι υπέρ του να βολευτείς με κάτι που σε στεναχωρεί η σε μιζεριάζει. Αλλά όταν υποθετικά έχεις μια καλή σχέση και έναν άνθρωπο που ήταν πάντα εκεί γιατί να τα πετάξεις όλα για κάτι που υπάρχει μόνο σε ταινίες; Το λέω αυτό όχι επειδή δεν υπάρχουν καλοκαιρινοί έρωτες που είναι δυνατοί Το στερεότυπο αυτό υπάρχει γιατί όντως είναι έτσι. Ένας δυνατός έρωτας που πάντα τελειώνει άδοξα γιατί προφανώς κανείς δεν θα κάτσει να ψάξει για σχέση το καλοκαίρι. Όπως σκέφτεται ο Χ άνθρωπος σχετικά με το καλοκαίρι σκέφτεται και ο Υ. Το έκαναν έτσι ωστέ να μην γίνεται και αλλιώς. Και η ερώτηση παραμένει. Γιατί να πετάξεις τα πάντα για αυτο; Η απάντηση είναι απλή. Γιατί είναι κάτι καινούριο, δεν είναι ρουτίνα είναι περιπέτεια! Στην περίπτωση που αποφασίζει κάποιο να το κάνει αυτό στην ουσία αποφασίζει να κλειδώσε τις αναμνήσεις που είχε σε ένα κουτί και να φτιάξει καινούριες με κάποιον άλλον. Για να μην παρεξηγηθώ βέβαια, όλες οι σχέσεις τελειώνουν. Κάποιες είναι τελειωμένες ακόμα και πριν χωρίσεις. Το όλο θέμα είναι στο γεγονός πως μερικές φορές η συμπεριφορα μας είναι περίεργη όχι λόγω περιέργειας του χαρακτήρα μας αλλά λόγω του ότι αποφασίζουμε ξαφνικά να κάνουμε ανθρώπους δίπλα μας αναλώσιμους. Να αντικαταστήσουμε κάτι αναντικατάστατο Να πετάξουμε απο το παράθυρο επικοινωνία,εμπιστοσύνη, αγάπη για κάτι το οποίο είναι απλά σκέτη οφθαλμαπάτη. Για κάτι που ξέρουμε πως έχει ημερομηνία λήξης και ξέρουμε πως θα τελειώσει όσο ξαφνικά όσο άρχισε. Υποθέτω πως αυτό είναι απλά η δική μου πρόθεση να παλεύω αντί να αντικαθιστώ. Εννοείτε πως δεν θα παντρευτούμε τον πρώτο άνθρωπο που αγαπήσαμε, κάποιοι είναι και κατά του γάμου. Αυτό όμως δεν σημαίνει πως πρέπει να τον έχουμε σαν μολύβι που το ξύσαμε πολύ και έχασε την αξία του. Κανείς δεν έκατσε να σκεφτεί και να πάει λίγο πίσω, τότε που γνώρισαν αυτό το άτομο. Να νιώσουν αυτά που ένιωσαν εκείνη την στιγμή. Μαζί σε αυτούς και εγώ. Ίσως κάποιοι να το έκαναν και να ένιωσαν κενό. Ίσως και να μην μπήκαν καν στον κόπο.

Πάντα πίστευα πως οι άνθρωποι φαίνονται στο τέλος. Τα πραγματικά χρώματα κάποιου φαίνονται εκεί που δεν έχει τίποτα να χάσει. Το πόσο επικίνδυνος είναι, το τι μπορεί να κάνει και που μπορεί να φτάσει. Όταν πέφτει η αυλαία βγαίνουν οι μάσκες και μπορείς να δείς πραγματικά τι κρυβόταν από πίσω. Ίσως η δικαιολογίες να συνεχιστούν και μετά το κλείσιμο ή να τελειώσει η παράσταση με ένα τεράστιο μπάμ που κρυβόταν εκεί καιρό τώρα. Δεν κρίνεται ο άνθρωπος από αυτό βέβαια αλλά σίγουρα μπορείς να δείς ένα μέρος του εαυτού του που ποτέ δεν σε άφησε να δεις Μπορεί να αντικρίσεις κρύα και κενά μάτια ή βλέμμα γεμάτο αγάπη που λέει λυπάμαι αλλά δεν μπορώ άλλο. Αναλόγως με το τι θα αντικρίσεις σκεφτεσαί και διαφορετικά. Στην δεύτερή περίπτωση μπορεί να παρακαλέσεις για άλλη μια ευκαιρία ή να βουρκώσεις λέγοντα ένα απλό ''δεν πειράζει''. Στην πρώτη περίπτωση σκέφτεσαι λίγο πιο σκοτεινά. Βλέπεις πόσο λίγο σε νοιάστηκε αυτό το άτομο τελικά και ξαφνικά βλέπεις τον εαυτό σου για πολύ λίγο και καταλαβαίνεις πόσο λίγο νοιάστηκες και εσύ άλλα άτομα όταν αποφάσισες να το τελειώσεις. Δεν ξέρεις τι σε πονάει πιο πολύ. Το τέλος ή το γεγονός οτι σε κοίταξε τόσο κενά;

Από την άλλη, είναι πολύ εύκολο να φιλοσοφείς όταν κάποιος άλλος εκτός απο σένα καίγεται.

Reflections

Life can be crazy sometimes. Wars, bloodshed and stuff like that. We all understand the reality of our surroundings or so we think. We remain indifferent  and neutral, until the war and the bloodshed is outside our doorstep and that's the harsh reality of the world. I'm not judging, I am one of these people after all. You can't really care for every single person that is dying out there. Imagine someone that would genuinely care about everyone. He or she would commit suicide in a matter of seconds. Too much sadness can make someone go crazy. We all need a balance of happy and sad in our lives. When we don't have happiness we can just create it so we don't get depressed. Another thing that can shock you into reality is a huge coincidence. This is the story of my coincidence.

I met a girl 2 weeks ago while I was bartending. She was a  member of staff as well and the big guys transfered her to my bad so she could help me out. I didn't need help moslty because the place was dead. I've  never been so bored at a bartending shift in my short but vivid carrer. We started talking about different topics. University, studies, long term plans and other stuff like that. At some point work disscusion came in and she told me that if I wanted more money I should go at the X place and apply. They usually have lots of shifts in Manchester Arena she told me. ''You get your own bar, meet celebrities and no one bothers you'', she said. That's pretty cool I thought.

So, after some days I actually applied. I got a shift in Manchester Arena for the 22nd of May. I wanted to go but on the other hand I was quite tired. I was working to pay my rent and the last 2 weeks were crazy. I canceled the shift because I was feeling weak and said that I will start working in a day or two again. I decided to go out for something to eat and drink with a friend of mine. I've never been out in Manchester to enjoy the night life, like never ever. I've been in Manchester for 2 years and I have been out once for a quick drink which  I did not enjoy that much. The bad thing with alcohol is that it ends at somepoint. Well, after the whole wine and dine thing I came back to sleep. My current sleeping schedule is waking up at 5 in the morning and sleeping by 10 at night. I'm like fucking cinderella. If midnight comes I just feel drowzy as hell. My phone died in between so I couldn't see any news or notifications. I went to bed after a very cool night and woke up today to see that a suicide bomber killed 22 people and injured 59 more in a terrorist attack at Manchester Arena. I was supposed to be fucking working yesterday and something like this happens. I would probably be dead right now. I was shocked to be honest. I still cannot comprehend what the hell happened and why someone would target an event that attracts young children and teenagers. I forgot to mention that the attack took place at Ariana Grande's event. Like who the fuck actually targets an Ariana Grande gig? Who in his right mind wakes up in the morning and says: ''Let's suicide bomb the Ariana event and kill some children and teens today. Yeah, that would be cool". From another point of view, someone in his right mind would not fasten a fucking suicide vest on him and die for some fucked up reason such as god or something similar.

Many questions of philosophical nature arise here. I'm not racist mostly because I don't really care about people. I don't care who someone else fucks, what's their color and ethnicity. I believe that everyone has the right to live as he/she likes. Yet, I wonder how these families should look through their fear and grief and not be racist. Some families lost their kids yesterday and the society will ask of them not to be afraid. Not to be afraid of muslims or I don't know who else wants to kill people out there. Obviously here comes the answer to the question above. People like that do not represent muslim people as Islam is actually a religion that promotes peace and I agree 100%. How do you know who is gonna kill you out there and who is actually promoting peace? Would you actually blame a parent who lost his 12 or 15 year old child for racism? What would you do if you were at the families shoes? Fight through the fear and grief and the fact that you just tried to make your kid happy by sending it there? Imagine the guilt and the crying. A cruel reality check that basically says that no one is safe in this world.

From another point of view, tragedies like this are a catalyst to get people to unite and stand strong in times like this one. Why do we need bad things to happen in order to stand united? I always wondered about that. When shitty things happen, that's when people are like a big team. Cooperating and volunteering for a cause bigger than themselves.

Well, people will be people and the world can be happy and cruel at the same time. A moment of silence for the families and teens and for a parallel universe Nick who chose to go to Manchester Arena for work.

Absent Soul Part III

His mind was set. His eyes fixed on the murder board. Boxes in every corner of the room and files lying down on the floor covering the memories of his past. Jake stood up and approached the board to examine it. There was no certain suspect, hell, he didn’t even know if any of the people on the board were suspects but he had to try, try for the sake of his lost love. Deciding to take justice on his own hands was a risky move. One wrong step and he could lose everything. His resources, his job and more importantly his chance to find the killer. Night was coming fast. His time to play his part was here. He took his gun and badge, wore his torn leather jacket and departed for the underground club nearby. Heavy rain was lashing down on the rooftops. The wind made the tree branches dance like crazy, howling with anger. The ominous black sky was full of threatening black clouds. Lightning and thunder raged with fury to put the finishing touch.

Jake was soaked to the skin. With tightly closed fist he walked inside the bar and the music suddenly stopped. Everyone knew him. Being the best cop in New York came with certain benefits or disadvantages depending on the point of view.  The big bad wolf was in town and along with him came trouble. The silence in the room made his blood as cold as the wind that was coming through the bar’s broken and rusty windows. A thug made a move and raised his glass to drink his rum.

‘’You can’t drink away the silence’’! Jake shouted. ‘’I want answers’’.

But no one replied. He started walking faster and faster and his fists started to open, becoming something like claws. He grabbed the thug who was drinking and slammed his face on the bar table. His head turned to the others and with a furious stare he ordered everyone not to move.

‘’Give me something and I promise I won’t make your life miserable. Deny my request and you will know hell.’’

‘’I’m Duke’’. The thug told Jake, frightened. His pupils dilated as fear sunk in, crawling in his skin.

Jake’s eyes were fixed on Duke’s granting him no escape.

‘’Look man, I’m not a troublemaker anymore and all I want is a drink’’. He said and his hands started fidgeting.

‘’I know your name you scum”. Jake replied. ‘’Duke Richmond, B&E, pickpocket and overall wannabe professional thief. You should still have some contacts, I-want-them”. Jake’s hand grabbed Duke’s head harder and started putting pressure on his forehead.

‘’You-You should talk to Dom. He is at the back. Please stop hurting me”!

Jake- with a sudden move threw Duke on the floor and proceeded to knock on the red door at the back of the bar. Two seconds passed without anyone answering and Jake pulled out his gun destroying the old lock on the door. He kicked the door open and there was Dom, trying to fill his pockets with money before escaping. ‘’Greed is one hell of a sin Dom’’. Jake said with a tone of irony in his voice. ‘’I want information and if it’s satisfactory I am willing to turn a blind eye in this filthy business of yours. So? How about that?”

‘’What would you like to know, Detective’’? Dom replied sarcastically.

‘You know exactly what I want”. Jake said full of frustration. ‘’Who the fuck killed her”?

‘’The hell I know dude’’! Dom shouted in desperation. ‘’It’s a cold case, nobody ever solved it, get the hell over it’’.

A snap followed by a scream could be heard from the small room in the back of the bar. Jake snapped Dom’s pinky. His eyes blank, lifeless like a soulless human.

‘’It would be a shame if I was forced to break more bones. Give me something Dom’’. Jake said with a twisted grin on his face.

‘’Α warehouse. I-I--’’

‘’Spit it the fuck OUT’’! Jake shouted.

‘’I heard that someone took her there, the warehouse at the bay’’.

Jake sighed and left, leaving Dominic on the floor, scared like a child with his back on the wall. Τhe bell hanging on the door rang loudly when Jake opened it to get out. A violent sound of the door closing followed and music filled the bar again. Like nothing happened.

The streets were wet from the rain. A smell of rotten soil filled the air. The rats making their appearance as well in search of food in dark alleys and bins.

 Jake put the keys in the ignition and turned it violently. The car howled like a hound ready to hunt foxes. He stepped on the gas and made his way to the abandoned warehouse. The tires were screeching, trying to hold the car on the wet road. The huge headlights pierced the fog like it was nothing.  Abandoned buildings and stores could be seen on either sides of the road. Weeds growing on the concrete pavements amidst the gray. After a thirty minute drive, a crimson building could be seen in the distance.

‘’That’s it. That’s the warehouse’’ Jake said to himself.

‘’Let’s go, let’s go faster’’! A voice shouted but Jake didn’t even flinch.

He approached the crimson building slowly with his headlights off. The engine roared for a while before being turned off. He got out and pulled his gun out. Underneath the gun was a small flashlight, giving a glimmering light to guide the way. The building was surrounded by opaque windows, which was quite peculiar for a warehouse. At the front of the building, stood a wooden door full of fungus. It definitely seemed abandoned for a long time. He opened the door slowly while checking all his blind spots, just in case. Overthinking is what made him a decorated detective. Trying to predict all the possible outcomes was part of the job. Strategic thinking and control of situations was his specialty. The inside of the building was more suspicious than the outside. The so called opaque windows were two way mirrors. You could see from the inside but no one from the outside could see inside. A warehouse is supposed to have one use and one use only and that is storage. Why would anyone need two way windows for their bags?

A further investigation of the inside would confirm his suspicions. Red stains were visibly on the dust. Could be blood or just ketchup. “Ιf this building is abandoned I shouldn’t be able to see the red stains. These are new.”  Jake stated curiously.  He continued his search through the narrow halls of the warehouse. At the end of the hall was a larger room in a cubic shape. He followed the hallway and arrived in the room where he saw a chair. A single chair in the middle of the room. Behind the chair, there was a crimson stained wall. Small splashes of red liquid stuck on the wall to create a rather morbid painting of death. He got close to the wall. A rustic, dusty smell could be felt. He sat on the chair and turned his head behind him. The stains were as someone was shot in the head or so it seemed.

Absent Soul Part II

People are people and they're allowed to make mistake but it's God's mistake when he made us to have the mind and strength to make mistakes. Good, evil, life and death. All become distorted when the shadows deepen. The facts become blurred. Guilt and innocence become intertwined. The glass stops being crystal clear. Jake started walking to the front door. Small, heavy steps telling a story of torture and loneliness. He walked in the garden and his bare feet touched the still watery soil. The coffee was letting off some steam and the newly lit cigarette was complimenting the steam with a smoke of its own. The sun was shining yet it was foggy outside. He could not see anything but himself. Life was reminding him that he was alone for good. Time is a good thing to have but too much time can drive you crazy and he had too much lately. The trees were dying one by one. Losing their leaves. Different branches, different paths with different memories all with different resolutions. So many choices, many things to see and he just stood there. He stood under the tree watching it growing and blooming. Wondering what choices he should make. Which choice is better, what endgame would better fit his character. He stood under the tree for so long, not being able to decide which branch he should take, afraid that if he took a certain path, he would lose all the other branches. Until the leaves fell and the tree died, leaving him all alone with no choice at all. There he stood, under the tree with smoke surrounding his face, questioning himself where and when. When did everything go wrong? Where would he be if his indecisiveness never existed in the first place? Unaligned and alone, he watched the tree dying in silence. His emotions suppressed. His eyes fixed on the black coffee he was drinking. Maybe it was the fact that he just realised his fate or maybe that he could not comprehend the consequences of his actions. He stared at his coffee blankly while watching his whole life falling apart little by little. He gripped his coffee cup tight in his hands full of anger and desperation. He turned, opened the front door and walked to the photograph filled room. On the wall there was a massive panel filled with strings and suspects, a ''murder board'' if you'd like and in the middle of it all, a photograph of the one he loved. The one he could not protect. The one he should have protected. His greatest choice and biggest mistake had a face and it was a beautiful one.

A pretty dress, blonde curls all over her shoulders and blue eyes to kill for. She was an avalanche in his already rocky life. A true flower which bloomed under dangerous situations and hardships yet died suddenly one rainy night. Margaret was the name of that flower. Day and night. Jacob and Margaret. Two people so different yet so same. So close yet so far. A great marriage and a night out gone wrong. A decorated detective obsessed with a case that was never solved. The case of his wife’s murder. The balance in his life was lost. The ship sunk and there was no going back. She was the one who could calm his nightmares at night. The captain of his ship.

‘’Tell me more about your wife’’. A calm voice stated.

‘’I-I just- I don’t want to..’’ Jacob said and his voice became high- pitched for a moment.

He sighed and continued talking. “We met at the police station. It was a busy day and I was drowning in paperwork. She walked in and time stopped. The bad lit station and the smell of piss and drugs disappeared. It was just me and her in a time loop. A time loop I wish it never stopped”.

The voice whispered, “Please continue”.

She came to file a domestic abuse report. She was badly beaten up yet she was overflowing with love” Jake said while resting his head on his hands. “I can’t do this anymore’’ she told me sobbing.

I tried to make her feel better. I brought her coffee from that old broken vending machine we had. The coffee was bad but that was all we had. She was grateful for that cup even though I could see her struggling. She started saying how all this was her fault and not her lover’s. Every word was making me more angry with a man I never knew. Her fragile porcelain-like body was badly bruised and I just couldn’t stand it. For some reason- something inside me was telling me to protect her. Protect her with my life. I arrested her stupid boyfriend and put him behind bars. With a record like his he served a long, long time in jail. I gave her my card so she could call me if anything happened. After four days she called me again. I was terrified. My mind went to dark places. I picked up the phone and  to my relief she was calling me to buy me some coffee in order to thank me. Obviously, I accepted the invitation without a second thought. We met in a small coffee shop but she was not there. I tried to ask the staff if anyone saw her and there she was, kneeling on the floor to re-stock the drinks. She was the owner of the coffee shop.

‘’Hey you!” She said.

I replied with a small nod.

‘’What can I get you?’’

“An americano” I replied

‘’One americano coming up!” She yelled with a smile on her face.

After the coffee was in my hands we started talking. I always was a more strong and silent type but oh boy that day we talked. We talked about everything. My past, her past, random things and she loved to tell jokes to cheer my grumpy face up. I was the only customer that day. It didn’t take a detective to see that her business was dying.

‘’What are you going to do if this place closes down’’? I asked with a serious face.

She stopped and her smile faded for a moment.

‘’I guess I will be homeless.’’ She stated, smiling even harder than before.

It wasn’t a fake smile. After working with criminals all day you can see through the fake kindness of people. Her smile was genuine. She was not afraid. For a control freak like me, this absence of proper planning in life was terrifying. They say that if something scares you, maybe you should do it. A bullshit rule for kids who want to do crazy things without thinking the consequences. An excuse in order to put yourself in danger- at least that’s what I thought it was until her smile blinded me. Maybe I should ask her out, I thought to myself. I should, I can do it.

My flow of thoughts were interrupted by her asking me out. I was surprised. I never thought I deserved any love whatsoever. As you get older and older and you find yourself sleeping and waking up alone every day-- you start wondering if something is wrong with you. In the end you actually believe it.

‘’Yes-Yes of course” I said, smiling like a kid with a bag full of candy.

She giggled while stroking her hair nervously. The funny thing with knowing how to read body language is that it is both a curse and a blessing. I didn’t want to mess things up before they even begin so I just pretended I did not see how nervous and shy she was.

I never stood a chance against her charms. I had feelings already but as always I hid them from her until I know it was mutual.

The next day was my day off. We went on a picnic at the nearby park. That morning was beautiful. Cherry blossoms falling slowly from the branches, sunny and pleasant. A warm air streaming through her blonde curls, messing them up just fine. The bright sun rays illuminating her blue eyes at the point they had a crystal blue color. Blue..Such a cold color yet her eyes were so warm when she looked at me. Her lips had a cotton candy shade of pink. She liked to lick her lips and twist her finger together. She kept pushing her blonde hair around the sides of her oval face as if she was wanting to hide behind it. Two thick eyebrows were shaped in a perfect arch that followed the slight curve of her eyes. She was eating a sandwich, staring at me and I couldn’t say a word. I was godsmacked and dazzled by her beauty.  Her every move was graceful and classy. My black and white world had colors after all this time. Trouble never seemed so fine and I was all about trouble. My days consisted by sleeping under cherry trees on beautiful days, drowning in the blue of her eyes and getting addicted to love. Love I never had. I felt quite lucky to be honest with you. Yet, as Murphy’s law states: ‘’When things are going good you probably mislooked something”. But how--How could I have known.

‘’That’s enough’’. The voice ordered.
Jake stood up and left slowly. His feet were tired by the chains of guilt. His heart--Heavy by the loss he never accepted. His walking patterns were unsteady. Like a kid who never got used to walk alone, without anyone holding his hand.

A Slice Of Curiosity

Funny how people can be so complex sometimes. I always thought of relationships as something really simple but life keeps proving me wrong. I don't know if it is because of arrogance or jealousy or whatever but I realised that relationships are quite complicated indeed. Trust, communication and honesty. Three things I always wanted from my relationships. I got fucking none. That's cool though. I am sure I have my fair share of mistakes. I'm not perfect and I know that. I'm actually far from perfect yet I can do these 3 things I mentioned above without any difficulty. From a sociological approach you need some things in order to have a perfect relationship. Some of them are the proximity between the 2 people, trust and communication. That's what I like to call a ''paper relationship''. It works perfectly on paper but when you apply it on real life scenarios it just falls apart. Why is that? Because people are complex..As fuck. I'm a simple guy to be honest. I may talk to
o much and disagree quite a lot with everyone but that's what makes a conversation alive. It's alright to disagree as long as you respect the opinions of everyone. However not everyone is simple. A great example is something I read a month ago. It was a simple message that made me laugh if I dare to say.

It was from someone who left me (which is perfectly fine). What was not fine is the fact that she had the guts to tell me that she still wanted me in her life. For some casual conversation now and then as friends. I had mixed feelings while reading the message. Some anger, some sadness but in the end all I could do was laugh. I don't really know if I was laughing at her proposition or if I was laughing out of desperation because of my loneliness. My old self would really ask just one question. "Why would she sent that message? What is the thought process behind it. Does she miss me, is she sad about her choice or did she just send that out of pity for me''?

 The good thing is that I am not like that anymore. I couldn't care less why she sent that and even though I found it funny and laughed I found her proposition quite interesting. Not because I wanted to know if she cared about me but I was genuinely  curious about the psychological aspects that can lead a person who left you to say these things. Of course the one who breaks up with you is hurt too, there is no denying that. People who are free have problems but for people in jail is always worse. At that specific time that I was in fucking jail. A metaphorical jail of course. How can someone not understand that words like that hurt? Not me thank god. I'm so used to the whole let's be friends phrase that I am completely immune excluding the occasional laugh. You see, when your fucking dog dies you fucking bury it. You bury it, cry like a little bitch because dogs are love and try to move on with your life. You don't keep the corpse of the dog at your house and continue to act like it's not dead. That's the same with relatioships. When you break up the relationship dies. Even if you don't want to see it or understand it, it dies. So why the hell would I be friends with someone that I cared about in a non friendly way and why that person thought that it would be a good idea to make a suggestion like that? Stupidity maybe, that was my first conclusion but of course that's quite harsh. On the other hard truth is harsh too. Yet, this is the subjective point of view of someone hurt and alone. On a more objective view I think that it's mostly positive. When you care about someone you want them in your life. You want to know if they are doing good. That's basically unconditional love. Maybe it's the fact that when people break up and someone moves on with their lives the other one feels jealousy. They have this feeling of possession over you and that's where this jealousy stems from. Possession is not a bad thing of course. We all want to protect someone, have someone in our lives and share with them our deepest fears and secrets. Who wouldn't want to be a 2 man army anyway? To have a true ''soulmate''.

From another point of view being friends with someone could mean that they never loved or cared about you and that is why they are so eager to be friends. Also, lets be clear. ''Friends'' in this scenario means: Hi there, would you like to say hi once every fucking year and have a 10 minute chit chat about how good our lives are? Why would someone not be sad after  a breakup. Sad enough to not disrespect that relationship that just died with such a proposition? Take some time and ask yourself. You just broke up with the love of your life. Do you or do you not suggest to be friends after 3 months? No. You fucking don't. 3 months is not enough time to grieve properly and by grieve I mean taking some alone time to think about and let the sadness go away. That is of course if you actually loved the person next to you.

Even though theories are quite fun, I don't think I found out why I received that message that day. However I understood that people and relationships in general are complex. Human beings are conquered by emotions and you cannot control them all sometimes. The mistakes we make sometimes cannot be fixed. Maybe in order to move on from someone and forget, you have to meet someone equally or even more exciting than the person that left you. But that's just a cheap excuse for people that never truly tried for their relationship so I can't relate with that. Maybe these theories are right and I'm spot on and maybe not. Yet I stand by my very first opinion. I still believe that relationships are quite simple. All you need is to be strong and have an equally strong person next to you. Someone who can love your insecurities and imperfections. Love after all, love is never perfect. We make love perfect with our actions.

Absent Soul Part I

Bright rays of sun were hitting his face. He yawned and stretched his body while struggling to get up. His head turned to observe the room with his eyes still half closed. A room full of smoke, ashes and empty whiskey bottles. The alarm clock drowned out the birds chirping outside as it was still ringing.

"I have to unplug this clock. I'm running out of time anyway". He said, while doing exactly that. Every day a different struggle. He could not get out of his house anymore. He didn't have the strength. A million strangers passing by, looking, staring, judging without knowing. He believed that we write our own stories yet his story was drawing closer to the end day by day. The notion of right and wrong was clouded inside his mind. Everything was relative. No universal good or evil. A nameless existence.His previous state of mind- a relic of the past. Tired of everything that he once called important.  Tired of waiting for someone to save him, wake him up from his slumber. The giving up card was just too attractive to pass.

"When is it gonna end'? He whispered to himself.

"Soon". A voice whispered back.

"And if it ends, where do I begin"?

Silence fell in the room.

He looked at the massive wall mounted mirror with a terrified stare but all he could see was his face.

He opened the drawer next to the bed and pulled out  a small bottle of whiskey. After standing up and pouring a drink he just stood there. Petrified with the bottle in his hands, staring at the mirror. Trying desperately to find an explanation. He knew-deep inside him that he couldn't. He could stare at the cracked mirror as long as he wanted and still he would not be able to find an answer for his question. A problem unresolved for years. He took a sip from the bottle and with a sudden move he threw it on the mirror, shattering it in a million pieces. He looked down and all he could see was a distorted reflection.

"Maybe this is who I really am". He stated while laughing.

He walked on the shattered pieces, cutting his feet yet not flinching a second. He went down the stairs and into the water. An ocean filled of photographs. Memories of carefree days and happy adventures. A reminder that it was too late to fix his mistakes. Too late to escape his own mind. He stopped and stared the photographs on the floor for a minute. Some of them were black and white while others had colors. All of them had a certain girl. A girl who always smiled while holding him in her arms, like she was afraid of something. His face on the other hand was always inexpressive. Some photographs in the other side of the room had him half smiling yet his face was serious.

''Oh, how I despise you. You will always be a monster. Always". He said with an angry tone in his voice. His fist was closed shut and bleeding from the force he was applying. The blood was dripping all over the photographs taking the place of the old and dry blood stains.

"You took her from me and I will never forgive you for that-you know"? He stated sadly as he walked in the kitchen for his cup of coffee.

But there was no answer

The sound of the kettle was hurting his ears. Waking everyday hungover was taking a toll both on his mind and body. A big ashtray was sitting on the coffee table, full of ash and overflowing with cigarettes. He lit another one and started puffing it without caring about the ashtray. The rooms of the house were as messy as his black hair. The kettle screeched and the sound was making him crazy. He picked it up as fast as he could and poured the hot water in the cup. The coffee was still hot so he could puff another cigarette. He leaned back on the torn sofa and watched the smoke going up as he exhaled with frustration and anger. He could see the smoke forming different shapes. Lining up to create different memories from when he used to smoke on a flower garden. A garden that had everything but sadness.

Jake:[Frustrated] I wish my story had a happy ending but this is not holywood. This is not the movies. Somebody once told me that love exists when ''the spark'' ends and not when it begins. To love someone unconditionally with all your heart. When that person is difficult to love. This is the stage when love starts. Hah, what a fucking joke. I wish this was true. I wish I could find out but I never had the chance. I never had the chance because you took her from me. Why you did that? I ask you again.

He lifted his head and stared at the snow white colored wall.

No one answered once again.

He reached for his coffee and took a big sip. Suddenly a fade music could be heard in the background. The music of a small box. "I haven't heard this cursed lullaby for a while now". He said curiously. He stared at the box with eyes full of regrets mixed with anger. He stood up and picked up a small canister of lighter fluid. He walked to the box and poured half the bottle on it and threw the cigarette he was smoking in the small opening of the box, lighting it on fire before stepping on it as hard as he could. The sound of the lullaby became weak and faded away in a matter of seconds.

"Bloody box". He said, grinding his teeth together and walked away from the ashes.

Ίσως

Διάβαζα πρόσφατα κάποια άρθρα σχετικά με την αγάπη. Εμπειρίες ενός υπέροχου ατόμου. Πως ξέρω πως το άτομο αυτό είναι υπέροχο; Το γνωρίζω λιγάκι αλλά ακόμα και να μην το γνώριζα, τα υπέροχα άτομα φαίνονται. Απο τότε που άρχισα να γράφω τις βλακείες που γάφω έμαθα πως αν θέλεις να γνωρίσεις πραγματικά κάποιον είναι δύσκολο. Το να παρατηρεις τι γράφει όταν κανείς δεν τον βλέπει με ένα μπουκαλι κρασι και μουσική μέσα στην θλίψη τους είναι ένας τρόπος για να δεις κομμάτια απο τον πραγματικό τους εαυτό. Ένας διαφορετικός τρόπος που ποτέ μου δεν κατάφερα να τηρήσω είναι να κοιτάξεις μέσα στα μάτια τους και να δείς τι λέει η σιωπή τους όταν σταματάνε να μιλάνε. 

Πιστευά πολύ στην αγάπη όταν ήμουν πιο άμαθος. Αθώος, μικρός και ρομαντικός. Πίστευα πως οι έρωτες είναι ομοιώματα ανθρώπων που συνανταμε στην ζωή μας και μας δείχνουν το νόημα της ζωής. Μας δείχνουν πως ζούμε για να αγαπάμε και για να αγαπηθούμε. Πως εκεί έξω υπάρχει αυτο το κάτι για εμάς. Για όλους μας. Έβλεπα την ζωη και τον έρωτα μέσα απο ρόζ γυαλιά που έριχναν τριαντάφυλλα όπουδηποτε πατούσα. Λίγα ήξερα για χωρισμούς και τον πόνο που νιώθει η καρδιά σου όταν ένα κομμάτι σου φεύγει χωρίς δεύτερη σκέψη. Χωρις να κοιτάξει πίσω, μέσα σε μια φωτιά γεμάτη τσακωμούς και μίσος. Το ένιωσα όμως. Έμαθα και άλλαξα. Για καλό ή για κακό η προδωσία σε αλλάζει. Η αχαριστία των ανθρώπων που επένδυσες χρόνια. Τα αξημέρωτα βράδια που χάθηκαν επειδή αποφάσισαν να τα κατεδαφίσουν όλα. Μα πάνω απο όλα άλλαξα λόγω της μοναξιάς μου.

Ίσως να φταίω και εγώ για όλα αυτά. Ίσως και να τα άξιζα. Πως θα μπορούσα όμως να αρκεστώ στο μέτριο; Σε έναν χλιαρό έρωτα χωρις μέλλον; Γιατί να μην παλέψεις για κάτι που αγαπάς μέχρι να καείς ολοσχερώς; Μια ευκαιρία μετά την άλλη με την ελπίδα πως κάτι θα αλλάξει και τα ρόζ γυαλιά να μην βγαίνουν απο πάνω μου. Εγώ εδώ θα μείνω έλεγα. Θα είμαι εδώ και θα παλέψω μόνος και για τους δύο. Έμαθα όμως. Μου τα έσπασαν τα γυαλιά και είδα καθαρά. Δεν μπορείς να παλέψεις για κάποιον που δεν θα πάει στον πόλεμο.

Όλοι κάνουμε λάθη. Αυτό ήταν το δικό μου. Άφησα τα γυαλιά μου να σπάσουν. Να γίνουν κομμάτια. Παραιτήθηκα και είπα ένα ''δεν γαμιέται'' και έφυγα. Δεν κοίταξα πίσω ούτε για μια στιγμή. Δεν με άφησε η ήδη πατημένη αξιοπρέπεια μου και το μίσος μου για τον ίδιο μου τον εαυτό. Σιχάθηκα και κουράστηκα όχι μόνο να παλεύω αλλα και με εμένα μιας που ένα κομμάτι μέσα μου, έλεγε ακόμα να παλέψω. Επέμενε και τσίριζε να το ακούσω. Με τρέλενε για χρόνια μέχρι που πήρα ένα μαξιλάρι και το έπνιξα. Το έπνιξα όπως έπνιξαν και εμένα όταν ήθελα να παλέψω. Το αντικατέστησα με ένα κομμάτι που δεν μιλάει πολυ. Δεν νοιάζεται πολυ και δεν τρελένεται όταν κάτι κακό γίνεται. Ένα κομμάτι που γεννήθηκε μέσα στην μοναξιά και το αλκοόλ. Στην αρχή δεν μου άρεσε και τόσο. Δεν με αναγνώριζα καν. Το αποδέχθηκα όμως και το έκανα δικό μου. Όσο διάβαζα το ένα άρθρο μετά απο το άλλο έβλεπα όλο και πιο πολλά κοινα σημεία. Το μίσος για τον εαυτό μας, τον φόβο που υπάρχει για να πιστέψουμε σε κάτι και την στεναχώρια που περάσαμε μόνοι μας. Την στάχτη που έπρεπε να μαζευτεί μετά το σβήσιμο της φλόγας και την σκόνη που άφησε πίσω της η στάχτη. Οι άνθρωποι πάντα φεύγουν μακριά μα εμείς μείναμε εκεί. Μείναμε μέχρι που αναγκαστήκαμε να φύγουμε. Ίσως να ήταν και για καλό ποιός ξερει.

Στο τέλος του στενάχωρου μα όμορφου άρθρου έλεγε πως πρέπει να παλεύεις για αυτο που αγαπάς. Μετά απο όλα αυτά τα κακότυχα πράγματα, τις επιλογές και τα αποτελέσματα πίστευε πως πρέπει να παλέψεις. Να μην σταματάς στα εμπόδια και να είσαι έτοιμος να σκοτωθείς και να καείς στην φωτιά μιας αγάπης. Στα σύνορα του αργά και του νωρίς, του ναί και του όχι, της ελπίδας και της απελπισίας.

Με έκανε να αναρωτηθώ γιατί τα παράτησα. Δεν μπορούσα να απαντήσω στην ίδια μου την απορία. Μάλλον επειδή είναι χαζό. Όχι η απορία αλλά η πράξη της παραίτησης. Με έκανε να καταλαβω ξανά ποιός ο λόγος να ζείς. Γιατί δεν το είχα δεί αφού είχα τόσο καιρό με τον εαυτό μου, δεν ξέρω. Με νευριάζει το γεγονός οτί ήμουν τόσο βαθιά στην δική μου στεναχώρια που δεν μπορούσα να δώ ένα τόσο προφανές φώς.

 Ίσως τελικά η αγάπη να μην είναι και τόσο άσχημη. Ίσως να είναι αυτό το κάτι που ποτέ δεν πρέπει να αφήσουμε. Ίσως..