Thursday, 10 November 2016

Smoke Filled Room Part III

I wake up and realise that it was just a dream. Of course, it was just a dream. I am still in here in this smoke filled room. My legs were shaking as I tried to stand up. The girl was still there. Still trying to make the fireplace to work. ''Having troubles to start a fire?'' I asked while laughing. She stared at me with a grumpy expression on her face. "Some more wood might do the trick.'' I kept mocking her and her struggle to start the fire. She knew that the mockery was just a plan to distract myself. Stop thinking about these four walls scaring me to death. I had to do something about the frightened part of me. ''I'm in complete control.'' I told my self. Every single thing in here is a creation of my demented mind. Nothing is real.

''Everything is real.'' She shouted. ''So, you can actually talk.'' I replied, trying to cover my surprise. She actually read my thoughts. Once again she did not respond.

''Thanks for making me feel good.'' I muttered sarcastically. I couldn't care less about her opinion. Yet, this chilling sensation passing through my spine was not a good sign. The fire was weak but she kept on trying.
I was trying to think of a plan to make the whole thing stop. Shut it down for good. The sensation came back again but this time it was not that smooth. It felt like bugs trying to crawl under my skin. ''Don't panic, keep your cool.'' I thought to my self. The sensation became stronger, more violent. They say that if you don't let your past die, your past will never let you live. Is this my past trying to kill me? Am I losing my self in here? I already lost the blue light. If I lose my own mind everything that light did long ago will be in vain. The loud cracking sound of the wood burning in the fireplace stopped the pain. I kept watching her while she was trying to make the fire stronger. Little she knew that the fire in this room cannot be started by wood. It need another kind of fuel. The kind of fuel that is long gone. It needs light, specifically the blue light.

I sat on the floor like she did when she came in the room. Kept staring at her weak hands, almost as weak as the fire. ''You can't start the fire love.'' I said. Once again, she didn't even flinch. The shadows in the room were drawing closer and closer to the fireplace. What time is it? I don't even know for how much time I've been in this room. Days maybe? I realised that I've lost track of time since I entered the room. I reached in my pockets and found a cigarette and a lighter. ''Maybe the lighter would start your lovely fire.'' I said, while lighting my cigarette. I puffed on my cigarette thoughtfully. I can't find a way to end this. Maybe this is the end for me. The smoke filled the room, creating figures and circles. ''I know about the fire.'' She said. My question was, how the hell can she read my thoughts but I guess she will answer that question when she seems fit. What a pain in the ass. It was my turn to let her hanging this time.

 I should accept my fate and stop over thinking. The endgame was here and I'm ready to face what I've been running from all this time: the darkness inside me. I kept puffing my cigarette, enjoying the nicotine for one last time. ''The fire is long gone darling and my heart is in the ashes.'' I said. ''I know, that is what I'm trying to fix you insolent kid.'' She replied. ''I don't like you at all but whatever you do, you are not going to succeed.'' She smiled and turned her head in my direction. She came closer and whispered to my ear: ''Oh, but I will.'' I felt pain but I couldn't understand what caused it. When she went back to the fireplace I saw it. The girl was not here to light the fire. She was here to extinguish the fire along with the room. The wound in my chest was deep. I smiled, she smiled back and in her smile I saw something more beautiful than the moon, more captivating than the sea and more exciting than death. She stood up and went to the door. She opened the door and left a small opening as she went outside. I am cold and unable to move. I was losing blood because of the huge wound in the centre of my chest. Few more minutes and I will die from blood loss. Not the death I had in mind but it will do. I closed my eyes slowly when the room started to lose pieces of it. There was a blue light coming through the door opening, demolishing the room. I smiled, my body went numb and suddenly-

Wednesday, 9 November 2016


'Forgiveness' I whispered the word to myself, tasting it's sound in my mouth. Forgiveness, what does that word even mean?
The gentle splash of icy water on my feet brought me out of my haze with a sudden halt. I looked down at the intruding wave just as it was safely retreating back into the deep dark sea. The mixture of sand and pebbles under my feet, was swept away, so they sank deeper into it. I took a step back and then another, onto the dry shore. Under my bare feet the sand was still warm from the sun, which had now been swallowed by the mountains, lost in the horizon. The fog was setting in, covering the ground like a white fluffy blanket, growing thicker and thicker as the minutes ticked by.
With a flickering flick, the street lights came to life and cast their gentle yellowish glow, which barely reached me on my desolate spot on the beach, The peaceful, rhythmic swooshing swoosh of the waves was disrupted by the constant buzzing sound of electricity.
The moon was dark, hardly visible in the overcast sky. The frosty breeze made my eyes water, the gloomy winter weather seemed to reflect my mood.
Your words reverberated in my head, 'I'm sorry, I'll try' . You're sorry? You're sorry you broke my heart my heart into a billion, trillion pieces and just kept smashing it? You're sorry for all the agonising nights I spent fighting to breath through the unbearable pain? Sorry for the endless tears that streaked my face day after day, night after night? For ruining my trust, for crumbling my faith?
I'm sorry, after all this time that's all you have to say, and just like that the word lost it's meaning.
I'll try you said. I'll try. And you disappeared. And all I wanted was for you to stay, and you left again, Without an explanation you just left me.
Big angry drops of water started splashing my face, as if in perfect synchrony with my tears, that now had nothing to do with the cold.
'It's you' ,  shouted into the nothingness of the abyss that lay ahead.
'It's always been you' I said , softer now, in a gentler voice, as I remembered, all those words of love, all the promises, all of your caresses, all those nights in your loving arms, all those days of joyful banter.
So why? why, why, why?
'WHY?' I screamed into the night, in painful agony as the sobs violently shook my body and I crumbled to the ground, holding my chest as if my heart would escape if I didn't. As if it wasn't hollow enough already. The rain was picking up now, soaking through my sweater, through my jeans, but I didn't care. So I sat there, knelt on the ground, crying, sobbing, shouting to myself, shouting to you, I sat for what seemed like ages, until the rain had soaked me through, and the clouds now ran dry and stopped to recharge.  The cold air ran through me like an electric shock, a shiver went up my spine, and then another rattling me to core. But I was beyond caring about such frivolous things as the elements that were now attacking me mercilessly.
Even mother nature's wrath is kinder than you. You who claims to love me, but constantly tries to brake me. You, who I gave my heart and soul to, you.
The darkness that surrounded me seemed to swallow me whole, consume me, nest and grow within me once again. The hollow void in my chest ached, the pain radiating through my body. The cold seeped into my bones. My tears ran dry and I looked ahead once again, only the white tips of the waves that swooshed and swayed in their constant rhythm were visible. Swoosh and sway they went, on and on, back and forth, they came and they left.
You left, when all I wanted was for you to stay, that, that was the only effort I needed from you! You just left, even though I screamed for you to stay.
'I don't forgive you' I whispered as I got to my feet,
'I never will' , I said before I turned my back and left, disappearing into the foggy night.

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Smoke Filled Room Part II: The beginning

The room is bright,radiating with light. The fireplace is lit, emitting waves of heat in every corner of the room.
I'm staring at the window. It's cold outside, two snowflakes race for the first place while melting. I feel calm and peaceful. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I can't remember what changed in my life, all I remember is a blue light storming through the door and filling my dark and twisted room.
The form of that light was familiar, but my head is clouded. Is this a dream? This room was always dark but she came. I'm confused but it just feels so right. I never felt like this before. It's strange how a blue light can change your entire life. I hope it's for the best. I don't like changes but I guess I could make an exception this time. I approached the light, hesitating at the start but the more I walked to it, the better I felt.

An invisible hand touching me, scrambling my hair, like a gentle wind at an autumn afternoon. I can see a figure through the light. She looks familiar but my head is still clouded. The figure draws closer, closer to my lips. I'm shocked. My body is not responding. I can't move. She is captivating and I think that I really don't want to move. Deep inside me, a part of me is screaming for someone to save me. Is that it? Is this the light that I need in my life? Am I ready? Even if I'm not, I'm ready to accept the consequences of my choice. Take me away, lets get lost together. Anywhere but here my dear light.

The wind became a breeze, the breeze became a smell, the smell became a perfume. An autumn wind, a spring breeze, a summer perfume. Irresistible, gentle and wild at the same time. A dream into my warped reality. An angel in my hell. The ethereal figure came closer and with one kiss disabled all my protections.
Destroyed every guilt, every bad memory, every bad day until now. I wished to the stars, I wished so hard for this to last and suddenly-


Monday, 7 November 2016

Smoke Filled Room Part I

Here I am again. In this despicable room. All alone, in this smoke filled room. I hate this room. I love this room.  I don't even know what this room is anymore. Is it really a room or is it a manifestation of my twisted mind? Who knows, who cares anymore. I know I don't. The shadows hidden in the dark corners of the room are alive. I should be scared but I'm not. I've been fighting my demons for quite a while now. I've been killing them one by one, evaporating them, yet they seem endless in numbers. I wonder for how long I will have to fight them. Do I really have to fight them? Maybe they are actually my friends. I feel the urge to fight them though. I can't let them drag me down. It's cold down there, cold and dark. I've been there once. Not pleasant, not pleasant at all. There was a light in the darkness. A blue eyed light. The light that almost saved me from the demons I have been fighting for so long. It gave me strength to keep on fighting. The shadows disappeared from her radiant light. So bright and warm, it was like heaven.

Heaven is an illusion in case you didn't know. The sense of feeling safe from that light was an illusion. She came without warning and she left without one, dropping me once again, in the pits of that smoke filled room.
It was a mistake, a sweet one. Probably my greatest mistake. I thought the light could save me but I was wrong. Oh God, I was so wrong. She left, she left suddenly. Maybe someone else will be her guardian now. Maybe she will save someone else from his demons. The smoke in the room is becoming thicker day by day, suffocating me. Everything is covered in darkness and there is no light this time. No light, no saviour. Maybe I'm past saving. Maybe I don't deserve to be saved. I have to accept my fate I guess. I have to find a way to escape somehow. The fire that was burning in the room is dead and the room is freezing. The wind outside the room is howling. There is a knock on the door. The shadows disappear because of the banging on the door. I'm in shock. Is it the light again? Maybe she came back.

I open the door but all I see is a stranger shivering and breathing heavily. I try to turn her away but she insists she is here to stay. I thought to my self, "who would like to stay here?"
She made herself comfy in front of the cold and lifeless fireplace. She stared at the fireplace like she wanted to do something with it. I was confused. ''Who the hell are you and what are you doing here'' I asked her.
She kept on staring the fireplace. ''Light must be born again'' she mumbled. ''The light has faded for quite a while now'' I replied with a soft voice as I turned my stare away from her.

Suddenly I hear a cracking sound from behind me. Warmth started filling the room. With a sudden move of my head I look behind me. The fireplace was lit with a small and weak  flame. ''How did she managed that and why'' I whispered to my self. Once again, I was confused and lost. The room rumbling in the presence of the fire. The room doesn't like the light. Shadows whispering in every corner of the room. Feelings overwhelming me. The small lullaby box opened by it's own and started playing a distorted tune, fitting to the feelings I had at the moment. After all, this despicable room is mine. My head feels heavy, my vision is blurry. All I can see is that girl smiling at me before I fall to my knees, passing out


Sunday, 6 November 2016


Lies, deceitful lies, we live in them, roll in them, comfort ourselves and others with them. 
George Orwell once said 'During the times of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act' , and so here we still are, in this time of Universal deceit, when lying has become second nature, and the truth a mere profanity. 
Lies, complex webs of them shadow our existence, as we slowly but surely build our lives around them. Weak, broken, ugly-hearted, dishonest people, going through life without any credibility, losing their identity, hiding behind the persona they created, a different person every day, like they are suffering from a dissociative identity disorder. Do they even know who they are? Who knows, who ever will? So many lies come out of their mouth it's a wonder if they even remember what the truth is. 
What a sad existence, living like nothing and no one touches you. How sad it must be to lose people who love you, again and again because you just cannot wrap you head around reality, so caught up in the one you created.
How lonely might it really feel inside, I'd like to ask you, but I know you won't answer. You're just a shell of a being, empty on the inside. You think you comprehend the meaning or importance of words like 'love' or 'trust' , I couldn't begin to explain how little you know. Ignorant, selfish bastard, open a fucking dictionary before using words you know nothing about, 'cause that's pretty much all you can grasp, a dictionary meaning of the emotion, the sentiment escapes you. 
Liar, you filthy liar, you've perfected the art of illusion, just like a actor you recite your well practised lines, like a poet you know which words to choose to make your poem beautiful.
Beautiful sad little boy, your background left you broken, so you brake everyone you see standing, it left you faithless, so you take away others faith. Do you feel better? Cheer up, they could probably name a hurricane after you, you destroy everything you come in contact with, you leave a wreck behind you. 
Sadistic, that is what you are, you get of on peoples pain, you lure them in with your sweet innocent angelic mask, you lull them with your sweet siren song.. It takes a while to hear the screeching truth, the echoing screams that make your ears bleed. And when that time comes, you cover ears, try to block the sound, but it pierces your brain, it blinds you with it's light, burns you with it's heat. You can't hide for too long, can you? Your pretty exterior cannot possibly cover up your rotten inside. 
Heartless bastard, you know nothing about life, you just walk through it covered in your blanket of lies, your little protective bubble of deceit. 
You're senseless denseness will get you heartbroken one day, and your pain will be magnified by a hundred, I swear, the pain you have caused will brake you. You'll feel it all at once, every heartbroken wail, painful cry that came out of my mouth will  pierce your dirty soul. You'll drown in the tears I shed for you. You'll suffocate from my breathless sobs. 
How dare you say I'm sorry, such a meaningless word coming from your mouth. Every sentiment loses it's meaning when you speak it. Such a waist of time you were, precious time, that will never come back. such a waste. 
The truth is I don't even hate you, no, it's not an accurate enough word, I despise you, in the most loving way. Truth, if you can even fathom the meaning of such a word. 
No I don't wish you anything bad, despite that, I wish you all the best, because knowing you, you'll break you're own heart ruining it. You deserve your luck. 
So, yes, I pray your life is sweet you fucker, damn you!  

That One Bad Day

Making a choice is an everyday part of the human life. People have to make a choice every day and choices can be good or bad, right? I disagree, obviously. Good choices have a bad element and bad choices have a good element. For instance, someone decides to get drunk at the weekend and by drunk I mean wasted. The good element of this bad choice is that he is gonna have a hell of a time while being drunk. The bad choice is getting wasted because we all know what is gonna happen the next morning. Yeah, hangover, headaches stuff like that. This is just an example though and the choice of getting drunk is not as pivotal as other choices we make everyday.

I tend to see human relationships like contracts. Every friend out there, every boyfriend and girlfriend is in a mutual contract with someone else. To make it easier I will use an example again. You have a friend. If you don't have I can be your friend. So you like this friend and you are having fun hanging out with him or her. The benefit of hanging out with your friend is having fun, sharing knowledge and having a great time overall. Your friend's benefits from the same things. A contract is an agreement between two or more parties. All the parties benefit from something. If there is a breach of contract the contract is terminated. If  a friend betrays you or does something that he should not do and that thing has a detrimental effect on you, you juts stop being a friend and you become a stranger to them. Contract terminated. To terminate a friendship is a choice too. A good choice sometimes. Because if someone did something really bad to you they are guaranteed they are gonna do it again. It might take time, days, months or even years but they are definitely gonna do it again. No. I didn't lost my faith in humanity. I just see things from a legal perspective. Someone who stole has a greater chance to steal again than someone who never stole anything. The possibilities are in favour of stealing again. Of course they are possibilities and the person might never steal again but would you trust that person as easy as someone who never stole? I don't think so.

This is perfectly fine. I am sure you feel guilty for not trusting that person as you read this. Why not give that person a chance Nick?
Giving a chance is a choice too. A difficult one to be honest. You either risk the fact that this person is going to betray you in a X time of your life or you don't give that person a chance at all. In the first situation you enjoy his/her company for a while. By ''for a while'' I mean a year, two year or maybe 10 years (who knows). Then there is another choice. Is that enjoyment worth the risk of betrayal? The good element of the ''give that person a chance'' choice is the enjoyment of that person's company and experiences you are going to have together, the bad element is obvious. It's like a game of Would You Rather but with detrimental effects for your existence overall. Would you rather have a really good friend for 10 years with the chance of that person mentally scaring you in the end or not having a friend at all?
But,but, not everything in life is doom and gloom Nick, someone might say. I would agree to be honest.
No every single friend or boyfriend or girlfriend is going to betray the fuck out of you. Not every single person in this world is a bad person. We can't stay inside our protective bubbles for the rest of our lives and  turn off our feelings. Well, yeah nobody can do that. Some people might be able to do this in a higher level than others but nobody can master it.

Everything in life is a choice. Bad elements exist in good choices and good elements exist in bad choices.
At the end of the day, the choices we make define us as human beings. At the end of the day we have to live with the burdens and benefits of our choices.

At the end of everything all it takes for someone to lose his mind is one bad day.