Friday, 31 March 2017

The Misadventures of a Waiter

A new day, lots of productive stuff to do today, I thought to my self. I'll have my wine training, my bar training, my barista training. So much training today yay. Have to walk for an hour but it is alright. Before this day ends I will be able to take on more shifts in different venues and be a better waiter/bartender/barista/glass polisher. I wakl in the office and search for my training supervisor as I was eager to get it over with and learn all the new things. Have a sit they said, it will be fun they said. After a minute or so a guy calls for me and I go in another room. Sorry but we had to cancel the training Nick, we forgot to inform you. It is alright I said. This is fine. *DO YOU FORGET TO EAT OR GO TO THE BATHROOM?*  My mind was shouting and I was slowly smiling to suffocate it. I'll see you tomorrow then. Have a nice day. I went to the shift manager and asked if I could work tomorrow. You know why? Because somebody told me to clear my schedule for today. You know for what? Fucking training. I lost a whole day and lots of money because somebody forgot to inform me. Forgot to pick up the phone and text me 3 freaking words such as..Training canceled. Oh snap, wait. 2 words. 2 fucking words.
But of course, I could not let this small incident to destroy my perfectly positive week full of happiness and laughs. So I thought, you know what, I'm gonna work the whole day tomorrow so I can make up for today. Then I proceeded to book 3 shifts from 7 in the morning on the 1st of April until 4 in the morning on the 2nd of April. 21 fucking long hours of work. So in my first shift I will be stuck behind the bar polishing and cleaning glasses half the day. At least I'm gonna look charming while doing it.  Good thing I'm pretty fast in cleaning stuff so thats nice. The second shift obviously is an hour away in Bolton.

 The only difference is that they wanted me to wear a white shirt instead of my usuall everything black outfit. So I also had to buy a white shirt today. Being extremely tall and quite skinny shopping is a pain in the ass. I try medium sized shirt and the sleeves are really short but it fits my body perfectly. I try a larger one and the opposite happens. An eternal dillema of do I want to look like a rapper on his way to a rap battle or do I want to look like my mother bought me the wrong shirt? Then the savior appeared. She saw that I was a damsel in distress and she fucking came to my rescue. The damsel is obviously a metaphor by the way. What size do you wear, she asked. Um, medium? I guess? My Europian mind was naive ( insert Brexit joke here).  No you dummy, she replied while rolling her eyes because of my stupidity and ignorance. She grabbed  a measuring tape and started measuring my neck. You are a 14.5 she said. I was like no Miss, I am 1,93. I'm tall. Inches you dummy! Inches. Go grab that shirt fast, she ordered. So I grabbed that shirt and tried it. It was actually a pefect fit. I was so happy. I came out and she was like. I knew it. This shirt looks great on you.

Oh, stop it you. With your compliments and all. I thanked the lady and went to pay. After paying and getting lost in Primark because my orientation and direction sense is non existent I found the exit. I rolled a cigarette and started walking home. That was the plan at least until I remembered that I wanted some coffee. I stepped inside Aldi and started my search for bliss. Get it? Because coffee is bliss? I bought some bread, tomatoes, a small pizza and went to pay. After paying and walking 20 minutes I remembered something. I forgot to buy the coffee. Despite the fact that I have no sense of direction, my memory also sucks, like a lot.
No coffee for Nick today, I was too lazy to go back and too stingy to actually buy coffee from the local coffee shop. I arrived home and run to bake the pizza I had because I was hungry as hell. I opened my laptop and logged in my netflix account. After 20 minutes or so I remembered again that I had a pizza in the oven. I look at the back of the box and I see a dreadfull message. ''Recomemended bake time: 10 minutes".
I knew. I knew that my life was going towards a new low point where I was gonna eat my burnt pizza and punish my self for the forgetful human being I am. I open the oven and for some reason my pizza was intact and to be honest absolutely perfectly baked. Fuck yes I said and  rolled the Iron Fist episode I wanted to see. 
I sipped my beer and enjoyed my self, knowing that there are only 10 days left until I get payed. I also have this new masterplan to wrok 16 hours per day and have 2 days offs in between these days for a whopping total of 1 thousand pounds which is fucking awesome and lifechanging. I could buy so many fizzy haribos and so many big macs. OH GOD. Another funny thing I realized today is that I have been listening to the radio a lot these past few days. I came to the realization that I started to like pop music. I have mixed feelings about that. As a rock type of person I  never liked this thrasy music. No offense. Yet, I'm gonna end the adventure with the song that is stuck in my head since morning.
So cheers to another new tomorrow and less canceled trainings!

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

The Not So Exciting Adventures of a Waiter

A new day, a new shift. Couldn't sleep last night. Seems my old habits are returning. I stayed awake since 4 in the morning after an intense fight with a relic of  the past. No reason for the fight to be honest. I'm tired she said. Tired of talking about the same and the same over and over again. Funny thing is that this time I was not the one to start the specific conversation that she was so tired with. I cared about her, I thought that she was a mature person able to understand things that are deeper than her hollow fucked up ego. I was wrong obviously. Nothing wrong with being shallow. Everybody is nowadays, its hip. She is not gonna get tired anymore. I wont be there. Back to the shift. Manchester Metropolitan University. Damn I thought. I could be studying here if I wasn't so fucking dumb. Underestimating my self as always I went and applied to the lowest ranking universities I could find just in case I couldn't make it. I wish I knew better. Serving people at MMU was fun though. Excluding some students who thought it was a good idea to mix peper, salt, water,soda and mashed potatos in a plate just to make my work harder. It took me 4 minutes and a lot of wrist strength to scap away the goo from the plate.  I was walking up and down the cafeteria court, looking for plates or someone to serve and stuff like that. I was curious why some girls were looking at me. Do you need anything? I said. No, nothing at all she replied moving her head left and right in an awkward way. A broken heart is a funny thing. Hundreds of students passing by, all these girls yet I wasn't even interested to even look at them in any other way than to see if they needed food. Neutral, unaligned, like Switzerland but better. Speaking of Switzerland, Swiss chocolates rock. I wish I had some chocolate I thought while strolling around with my black tie and black shirt. Time passes really fast when you work, then the manager came nd told me to go to smoke or something. I don't need a break I said. You are entitled to take a break after 4 hours, he told me. I thought entitled was a word with a positive meaning. Until today of course. I thought it meant something like, you have the right to. So I went out to smoke. After five minutes or so I returned to continue working. Go take a break Nick, he said with a grumpy face. I was like..What the fuck I just did dude. You have to take a 30 minute break, we are gonna deduct it from your pay rate anyway. 
I'll be on my way then. Off I go for more cigaretes. My feet still hurt from the cuts so I didn't put much of a fight. But Niiiick, you might say. Why would you put up a fight for a break you OBVIOUSLY deserve? Well I do not know. I really don't. I don't know why I love this shitty job so much but I do and I don't like breaks despite the fact that I am a filthy nicotine and caffeine addict.

After some more plate scrapping and socializing with students I stumbled upon that kind of person who tries to impress girls as desperate as he can. A coin bounces on my leg and I'm like no..not again. Please no breads and cheesecakes. He was trying to ''make the coin disappear'' by actually flipping it into his long sleeved shirt. This is like the most basic magic trick ever. It's so basic you don't even call it a magic trick. I tried to tease him saying that this is a really bad magic trick then he challenged me to do the same if I could. I bet you suck he shouted with an obnoxious look. I took a deep breath and exhaled.
 I took the coin and I just flicked it. Everyone was amazed by my extreme Copperfield mastery of the dark arts.I'm John Constantine bitches, master of the dark coin flinging and trickery. I left the coin on the table and continued my job as a humble waiter because I didn't want to give away my secret identity of course. A hero never shows off. It's a comic book rule. All I wanted was to live a relaxed and calm life as a waiter but the coin flipping trouble always finds me wherever I go and other dramatic stuff like this. 

The end of my shift was coming steadily but slowly. I was kinda sad to be honest. Working makes my mind to forget about things. I checked out, rolled a cigarette and back on the road again. I had to walk 50 minutes to get back to the not so permanent house of mine. I open the doors with borrowed keys from another housemate and would you look at that. I locked my self out of the room. The morning I left for work I shut the door behind me like the stupid person I am before I drink a cup of coffee. I didn't have my keys anymore so that meant that I had to wait 2 hours for the locksmith to come and open the room door. I got a chocolate though, which was kinda nice. It wasn't Swiss but I enjoyed it anyway. Yet, the random thoughts in my mind were quite persistent. Questions presenting themselves one after another. I was never tired. Why is she?  Stupid relationships and their interactions. Huge egos trying to control each other for the throne. Why is there a huge ego in the first place? Ego has no place in a relationship yet it exists. Maybe people should think more before they enter a relationship and invest their feelings to someone. Instead of saying I'm ready they should say, my ego is ready to be flattened for you, I thought while bitting my chocolate. I wish I had a bottle of any alcohol or an ice cream. Random thoughts, random thoughts everywhere. So  I decided to use my perfect cooking skills and make some sick past with onion bacon and mushroom sauce. Aaaaaaaaand that was the end of a not so crazy shift and not so interesting day I guess.

Who knows, maybe tomorrow will bring something exciting and new.

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Muse Part II

After a day or two and 10 more hours of working, I had a call from one of the guys from the house I got kicked out. Come home so you can sleep properly, nobody is gonna say anything anyway. I was extremely curious why the universe was so good to me. I decided to not really think about it and once again ''Enjoy the moment''. At last I had some warmth and a bed to sleep. I know it wasn't a long time but for someone who was never homeless, being able to sleep properly was just fucking great. Once again, I slept quite nice. I say that because usually I really can't sleep. My mind works overtime for no reason and I just think and think and think. I also had wi-fi which was cool.

More and more shifts came on my way and I was really gratefull for the support I had from the guys in the house. Now you gonna say: But Nick, aren't they your muse? Well you could say that but I always imagined a muse as something more longterm and lets be honest here. This is short-term. I wasn't gonna live in this house rent free for more than 2 weeks. Despite that, I was extremely gratefull. At some point I was working from 3pm to 5am. Crazy, just crazy. I loved it. Stupid clients throwing bread at me while I was serving another table, cheesecakes all over the place, lost phones and wallets in the aftermath. I- L-O-V-E-D I-T.
A girl asked if I was enjoying my self being a waiter and all and when I replied yes she was like..''Nah, you don't''. 'Yes I fucking am you spoiled brat'', I wanted to say. Yet, I had to smile like a charming homeless gentleman I am and say Of course, I love my job. Which is actually true.We had a 30 minute break at some point and they said that we could eat food. FOOD! Like, you know fucking food and stuff. So I took and plate and I was like
I ate so fucking much that made me question my humanity. Am i a fucking sin? Am I gluttony in the flesh? ''Enjoy the moment'', my subconcious mind shouted so I just kept eating. Then I actually had a diet soda because that's all they had in the bar. The shift ended and my feet hurt more than Johny Cash's song.  Yes..the Hurt one. Duh. However, I was feeling that the night was still young even though it was not night because it was 5am. So I just went back at the house to get some sleep despite the fact I was so excited.
I took a shower and would you look at that. My feet are bleeding. Seemed like the whole work everyday, party never thing was taking a toll. It hurt when I walked so that was the point I decided to take a 2 day break from work, not because I didn't want to work but for the exact opposite. I neded money and to achieve that I really had to work. So I had to balance work and healing my feet. I went slowly to bed while shouting ouch in each step I took and slept. I woke up the next day with the sun shining bright in my face again as my room never had blinds. Moral of the story: Get blinds.

Just kidding. The whole work thing made me forget all the bad things. Enjoying the moment actually made me enjoy my whole life. With all the bad and the good including. Mostly bad but who cares. I found out that words are quite cheap. Maybe I am wrong. I wish I am actually. However, thats my opinion on this matter. All I could hear was, I'll be there for you, If you want to talk to me just message me. Like...What the actual fuck? People should record themselves when they say things like that. Just to replay them again at some point and see how idiotic and pretentious they seem. What should I talk about to someone who I broke up with? Like, ''hi there I just wanted to message you because I feel lonely. I wish we never broke up and I want you here by my side. Ok, have a nice day now love". I don't know if I should laugh or cry when people say things like that. Make your own muse. Be independent. Stop overthinking and giving a damn about people who will say I'll be there for you yet they abandon you. Enjoy every moment, every single one of them. Smile more. Even when something bad happens. Just-smile. We have no power over some things. No control, no button to make it work, reset or rewind. There is no time manipulation superpowers to fix our mistakes. So, enjoy every moment and hope for a brighter tomorrow. Hope the sun will still be there radiating in your face, waking you up with its gentle heat.

Moral of the story: Enjoy everything, smile and everything is gonna be fine.


No, not the band. Even though they are one of my favorite bands. I'm talking about a real life muse.
Muses originate from Greek mythology if I recall correctly.They were considered the source of knowledge for arts and poetry and all that fluffy and romantic stuff we read today. They were later adopted by the Romans but that's not the point. I always thought that everyone has a muse in their life. You could call that muse a girlfriend, boyfriend, friend or family member. A muse that makes you believe that you can be a better version of yourself. Improve and be the kind of human being you always wanted to be. Pushing you to achieve your wildest dreams and supports you silently all the way, from the bottom, to the top. Some people may relate. They may think of that muse. I thought I had my muse but I was wrong. I found my self in extreme hardships recently and I had lots of time to think about all the things I ever wanted. Most of these things were sad, really sad yet, for some reason the logner I was thinking the happier I felt. Νο, it's not some twisted sense of thought nothing like that. Ι just found out faces of my self that I never knew I had. That stupid phrase everyone was saying to me long ago. ''Enjoy the moment Nick''. I never really understood which moment should I enjoy and cherish? How do I do that? Is there a specific timeline in someone's day where he should enjoy moments and what is the duration of the enjoyment? So many factors...

The day to pay rent came quite fast and I had literally 0 pounds in my account. Recently I found out that I actually had -19.00 pounds but thats a story for another day. The e-mail came in my inbox and obviously it was my landlord. I tried to negotiate to give me some more time but it seems that my law school tricks are not effective anymore. Thus, he told me to get the fuck out of his house and give him the money I owed him as soon as possible. Ι couldn't comprehend the fact that I was getting kicked out so I just replied yes and just packed my stuff. After 2 days, I had to actually leave the property. So I just left without knowing what the fuck I am gonna do, how I am gonna eat or sleep. So.. I took my duvet and my red pillow along with a small suitcase with some clothes and went to Manchester City Centre. I sat down next to another homeless person and just sat there without saying anything. For some reason I was smilling. I was smilling because I knew that the next day my phone would not ring again. I was stress free and my head was extremely empty. Just for that moment, that brief moment there I was extremely happy. I was actually enjoying my basically destroyed life. Hi, said the homeless man. You look pretty good for a homeless person. I got kicked out of my house today, I replied. Do I bother you? I can move. No, he said and gave me a slice of his pizza. I refused of course because I could go another day without eating anything but he couldn't and it was written all over his face.Then a red-haired girl came along with her small sleeping bag. She said hello and we just talked until late at night. It was quite cold that day. I was shivering. A Greek used to the mediteranian climate of his country, all alone in the UK. Pretty cold I'm telling you. Yet, inside me I was calm. I was thinking about everything. What have these people done to deserve this. What have I done to deserve this? Then some memories of the past came again to haunt that mind of mine. I wish I had a girfliend now. I wish my girlfriend was still with me. Even a word would make me feel so much better. Of course, that futile thinking made me realise how alone everyone is. How futile human interactions and relationships are. Words like I love you and I will be there for you have no meaning when you break up for the stupidest reason ever and then you just say I will be there for you, dont forget that just to make the one who stays behind feel a bit better. Who gives a fuck anyway I mumured. Why should I fucking care If I'm alone. Im fine.
The day before I get kicked out, I applied for a job as a waiter. My phone rang the next morning and they were interested. I couldn't be happier. Since the day I got kicked out, life had meaning for some reason. Everything was shining. I stayed in my duvet as I couldn't move my hands quite well because of the cold, with a huge smile on my face. After an hour or 2 I said goodbye to the 2 homeless people, took my duvet and went back to my old house to ask the guys if I could take a shower. They said yes and I started getting ready for my interview. The interview went pretty good and I was working the same day after a 4 hour training. When I finished the training the sun was shining bright. I emphasize the sun because in the UK its an extremely rare phenomenon. I'm not talking about the sun shining. I'm talking about..just sun.The sun itself. I worked 10 hours that day and I was pretty happy. I took my duvet again and went back to the place I slept last night. The next day it was sunny again. I was walking through Manchester Centre and my huge smile from the other night was still there. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a muse, I thought. Maybe I don't need one. No, this is not I'm a special snowflake story. This was something to make me feel good. Something I needed. My kind of God.

Sunday, 12 March 2017


Στατιστικές λένε πως έχεις γνωρίσει τον έρωτα της ζωής σου μέχρι τα 21 σου. Δεν ξέρω αν τις πιστεύω η όχι. Δεν ξέρω καν αμα θέλω να τις πιστέψω.  Κάνουν κακό οι εφιάλτες λένε. Είδικα όταν το μυαλό σου αποφασίζει να παίξει σαν κασέτα σε rewind το παρελθόν σου, με πλότ τουιστ στο τέλος πως τελικά όλα αυτά ήταν ένα όνειρο και τελικά είσαι ακόμα μόνος σου. Πάνω που νόμιζα πως ο εγκέφαλος μου δεν μπορεί να με τρομάξει, πάει και παίζει παιχνίδια και με βγάζει λάθος. Έτσι και αλλιώς, δεν υπάρχει μεγαλύτερος τρόμος απο το να ξυπνάς και να είσαι μόνος. Άκομα μεγαλύτερος τρόμος είναι να θές να πιείς και να μην έχεις ούτε στάλα αλκοόλ. Εκεί να δείς. Πάντα υπάρχει ένα κομμάτι μου που θέλει τον παλιό μου εαυτό πίσω υποθέτω. Για αυτό αποφάσισε να με βασανίσει λιγάκι, εκμεταλλευόμενος τις καλά κρυμμένες σκέψεις και σκοτωμένες αναμνήσεις που είναι θαμμένες στο πίσω μέρς του μυαλού μου. Υπάρχει άραγε αυτός ο ''έρωτας'' της ζωής μας; Είναι εκεί έξω όπως λένε όλοι; Υπάρχει αυτή και αυτός ο ένας και η μία; Είναι πραγματικές οι στατιστικές; Ίσως να υπάρχει αυτός ο μεγάλος έρωτας. Δεν θα μπορούσα να εξηγήσω αλλιώς πως σε κάποιο σημείο της ζωής μας, η καρδιά μας ένιωσε πόνο παρόλο που κανείς δεν την χτύπησε. Με το χτύπησε, εννοώ προφανώς σωματικώς. Γιατί ο πόνος είναι σαν να τρώς μπουνίδι στο κέντρο του θώρακα αλλά απο την μέσα μεριά. Δεν θα μπορούσα να εξηγήσω πως γίνεται να χάνεις την γή απο τα πόδια σου, να παγώνεις ολόκληρος μέσα σε έναν τυφώνα γεμάτο πανικό και αμφιβολίες.

Θυμίζει λούνα πάρκ απο ταινία τρόμου. Τα φώτα σβήνουν και σκοτάδι βαθύ πέφτει. Τα γέλια σταματάνε απότομα και η σιωπή είναι τόσο τεράστια που μπορείς να ακούσεις τους χτύπους της καρδιάς σου να ανεβαίνουν με σταθερό ρυθμό. Ο χρόνος παγώνει μαζί με εσένα και κάθε ίντσα στο σώμα σου μουδιάζει. Το στόμα παραμένει ανοιχτό, προσπαθώντας να βγάλει μετά βίας λέξεις αλλά η φωνή σου δεν λέει να ακουστεί. Ένα χέρι που σε κρατούσε, ξαφνικά εξαφανίζεται και μένεις μόνος, με την καρδιά σου που χτυπάει σαν τρελή. Ξαφνικά τα φώτα ξανά ανάβουν, τυφλωνοντας τα βουρκωμένα μάτια. Οι ήχοι είναι παραμορφωμένοι και τα γέλια διεστραμμένα. Νιώθεις την ανάγκη να αμυνθέις αλλα το σώμα σου δεν λέει να κουνηθεί. Το τρενάκι σταματάει και τα φρένα είναι τόσο αιχμηρά που ακούς ένα μεγάλο μπάμ μέσα στα αυτιά σου. Κουνάς τα δάχτυλά σου διστακτικά και αργά, ψάχνωντας να βρείς το χέρι που σε κρατούσε μα έχει χαθεί. Μόνος λοιπόν, σκέφτεσαι. Μόνος, σε ένα πάρκο αναψυχής που φτιάχτηκε απο εσένα. Υπήρχε και κάποιος άλλος κάποτε. Κάποιος που σε βοήθησε να το χτίσεις, μα δεν θυμάσαι ποιος ήταν. Ο πόνος δεν αφήνει το μυαλό να συγκεντρωθεί. Αργά και σταθερά, νιώθεις το σώμα σου και πάλι. Ο πόνος σταματάει και ένα κενό παίρνει την θέση του. Το μυαλό σου δεν μπορεί να καταλάβει και να συνειδητοποιησει την όλη κατάσταση. Εύχεσαι όλο αυτό να είναι απλά ένας υπερβολικά καλοσχεδιασμένος και ρεαλιστικός εφιάλτης. Τσιμπάς τον εαυτό σου για να ξυπνήσεις χωρίς αποτέλεσμα. Κοιτάς γύρω γύρω, ψάχνεις και πάλι να βρείς το άτομο που κάποτε ήταν εκεί και το μόνο που βλέπεις είναι σκιές. Σκιές μιας κάποτε υπέροχης αγάπης. Μιάς αγάπης που θα πουλούσες την ψυχή σου στον διάβολο για να την ξανά έχεις. Παίρνεις μια βαθιά ανάσα γεμάτη κάρβουνό. Τα μάτια βλεφάρισαν και όλα καίγονται ξαφνικά. Αποπνικτικός αέρας και εσύ κολλημένος στην θέση σου, αβοήθητος, μη ξέροντας πως να αντιδράσεις. Ο καπνός θολώνει την όραση σου. Απο την άλλη, ίσως να είναι και τα βουρκωμένα μάτια που δεν λένε να σταματήσουν να τρέχουν.

Η αναπνοή δυσκολεύει ολοένα και πιο πολύ. Αρχίζεις να περπατάς και σε κάθε βήμα ο ρυθμός ανεβαίνει. Το τρέξιμο αρχίζει, μπας και προλάβεις και σωθείς απο τα συντρίμια που πέφτουν γύρω σου. Δοκάρια που φλέγονται και όνειρα που συνθλίβονται ένα ένα σε έναν σεισμό που δεν δείχνει κανένα έλεος. Ψάχνεις να βρέις την έξοδο αγχωτικά και έξοδο δεν βρίσκεις πουθενά. Κάθε δρόμος οδηγεί σε ένα καινούριο αδιέξοδο.  Τα πόδια σου χάνουν την δυναμή τους και οι πνεύμονες σου αρχίζουν και πεθαίνουν αργά. Οι σκιές πλησιάζουν απειλητικά προς το μέρος σου και εσύ για άλλη μια φορά στα γόνατα, αβοήθητος και απελπισμένος. Μάταια όλα, σκέφτεσαι και ο ουρανος σπάει σε χίλια κομμάτια. Νιώθεις χέρια να σε ακουμπάνε και να σε σφίγγουν παντού. Θύματα ενός καμμένου λούνα πάρκ που ποτέ του δεν πέτυχε. Σε τραβάνε, σε κάνουν μπαλάκι, σε ένα συναισθηματικό και αναπόφεκτο τρενάκι. Οι επιλογές σου μηδαμινές. Είτε πεθαίνεις, είτε το αποδέχεσαι και μετά πεθαίνεις ακόμα πιο πολύ. Η ταχύτητα ανεβένει σταδιακά και νιώθεις ολοένα και πιο πολύ την δύναμη της βαρύτητας καθώς το τρένο πέρνει απότομες στροφές. Κάθε στροφή που περνάει σε κάνει να αναρωτιέσαι αν θα είναι και η τελευταία. Ο χρόνος φαίνεται να περνάει γρήγορα μα εσύ νιώθεις τα δευτερόλεπτα σαν χρόνια. Στροφές και στροφές και στροφές σε μια βόλτα ατελείωτη.

Κλείνεις τα μάτια και πέρνεις μια βαθιά ανάσα. Ηρεμείς παρόλο που γύρω σου τα πάντα είναι χαοτικά. Έτσι απλά το τρενάκι εκτροχιάζεται. Ανοίγεις τα μάτια συνοδεύοντας το άνοιγμα με ακόμα μια βαθιά ανάσα και κοιτάς το κενό απο ψηλά με χαμόγελο. Το χάος δεν έχει σημασία. Οι σκιές φωνάζουν μα εσύ δεν ακούς. Χαμένος σε μια μεγάλη δόση γαλήνης, μια αίσθηση σωτηρίας που δεν είχες ξανανιώσει. Η απόσταση μικραίνει και το τρένο σταματάει απότομα στην άσφαλτο. Τελικά υπήρχε μια έξοδος απο τον εφιάλτη. Tο μόνο κριτήριο για να βγείς ήταν να χάσεις τον εαυτο σου και το μυαλό σου. Μικρό το τίμημα μπροστά σε αυτά που ήδη χάθηκαν.

Κάθε δράση έχει μια εξίσου ίση αντίδραση λέει η φυσική. Η δραση και η αντίδραση ασκούνται πάντα σε δύο διαφορετικά σώματα. Ποια να είναι άραγε η αντίδραση στην δράση του έρωτα; Δεν νομίζω οτι θα μππορούσα να την εξηγήσω.

Friday, 10 March 2017

Ο ''Χρόνος''

 Ποτέ δεν κατάλαβα γιατί τρέχουμε χωρίς να σταματάμε για λίγο. Τρέχουμε για να προλάβουμε το λεωφορείο που φεύγει, τρέχουμε για να προλάβουμε να είμαστε στην ώρα μας στο ραντεβού με εκείνον τον τύπο που δεν σου πολύ-αρέσει αλλά θες να είσαι και λίγο στην ώρα σου για να δείξεις καλή διαγωγή. Τρέχουμε για να προλάβουμε εκείνο το μπλουζάκι ή για να μπούμε στην ώρα μας για μάθημα... ποτέ δεν ήμουν από τους ανθρώπους που πάνε στην ώρα τους στα ραντεβού τους, πάντα αργούσα. Δεν το έκανα και κάνω επίτηδες, απλά να.. πάντα πάω λίγο αργά, μέχρι και στον έρωτα.. για λίγο χάνω το αστικό, για μερικά δευτερόλεπτα. Χάνω τα ραντεβού μου για μερικά λεπτά. Έτσι χάνω και τον έρωτα μέσα από τα χέρια μου... γιατί δεν είμαι ποτέ στην ώρα μου.

Είναι σχεδόν αστεία αυτή η έννοια του χρόνου. Αστεία και τρομαχτική. ''Αν πήγαινα νωρίτερα τι θα γινόταν;" "Αν σηκωνόμουν στην ώρα μου από το κρεβάτι ή αποφάσιζα να πατήσω το γνωστό cancel the day, τι θα γινόταν;". Πόσες φορές το έχω σκεφτεί, αν ήμουν συνεπής ποια τροπή να είχε η ζωή μου τώρα; Ίσως να είχα προλάβει εκείνο το σημείο που έπεσε στην εξεταστική.. ίσως να ήμουν κάπου αλλού τώρα.. ίσως να μην ήμουν το άτομο που είμαι, να είχα πληγωθεί διαφορετικά ή καθόλου.. Ότι και αν κάνω πάντα θα αφήσω τον χρόνο να κυλήσει από τα χέρια μου, πάντα θα υπάρξει κάτι στην διαδρομή μου που θα με καθυστερήσει... που θα με βγάλει από το μονοπάτι μου.. δεν γκρινιάζω βέβαια, ούτε το μετανιώνω.. πάντα η επιλογή ήταν στο χέρι μου και πάντα επέλεγα αυτό που ήθελα καθοδηγούμενη απο ισχυρά θέλω και όχι ισχυρά πρέπει. Όμως τι να το κάνεις όταν αργείς τόσο πολύ που όταν πλέον φτάνεις αυτό που θες έχει ήδη φύγει.

Αν μπορούσα να έχω μια υπερδύναμη θα ήταν να μπορώ να ελέγξω τον χρόνο, να πηγαίνω μπρος ή πίσω κατά το δοκούν, να ξαναζήσω κάποιες στιγμές μου, να σταματήσω τον χρόνο στα σημεία της απόλυτης ευτυχίας μου. Θα ήθελα να συμφιλιωθώ με τον χρόνο, να κάνω κάποιου είδους ειρήνης, παρόλο που με τόσο βίαιο τρόπο κύλησε από τα χέρια μου όταν έπρεπε να πηγαίνει σιγά κάνοντας τις ώρες να μοιάζουν με δευτερόλεπτα. Θα ήθελα να πιστέψω πως ο χρόνος όντως είναι ο καλύτερος γιατρός και όντως κλείνει τις πληγές. Μα ποιο θα είναι το αντάλλαγμα; Αν μου εξαλείψει τον πόνο δεν θα πρέπει να δώσω κάτι; Μια πολύτιμη ανάμνηση, κάποιο συναίσθημα κάτι για να ικανοποιηθεί ο χρόνος-γιατρός; Πρέπει και δεν είμαι σίγουρη κατά πόσο θέλω να δώσω κάτι ακόμα από τον εαυτό μου στον χρόνο που πάντα έπαιρνε από τα χέρια μου αυτό που λαχταρούσα.

Τόσο αμείλιχτος και βροσυρός,σχεδόν ζηλιάρης είναι ο χρόνος που πάντα τελειώνει όταν θες λίγο ακόμα, λίγα λεπτά ακόμα στην αγκαλιά του, λίγα λεπτά ακόμα δίπλα του, λίγα λεπτά που όμως δε θα πάρεις. Όσο και αν παζαρεύεις ο χρόνος σας είχε τελειώσει πριν καν αρχίσει.. ο έρωτας ήταν εκεί μα εσύ άργησες να πας στο ραντεβού σας. Καθυστέρησες στον δρόμο και έφυγε ανεπιστρεπτί ¨αυτός είναι ο χρόνος. Σου δίνει μια διαδρομή γεμάτη με όμορφες καθυστερήσεις και ενώ εσύ περιμένεις να βρεις στο τέλος του δρόμου αυτό που τόσο καιρό λαχταρούσες, ανακαλύπτεις πως πλέον έχει αναχωρήσει, γιατί δεν ήσουν στην ώρα σου.