Sunday, 23 July 2017

Through The Fire

There I was, waiting for her. Waiting for her for the first time and there she was. Walking elegantly. I could see her from the other side of the street. There she was burning my heart without even knowing. She had a big smile on her face and sparks in her two beautiful and dark eyes. Nice to meet you again, I said. Nice to meet you too, she said and giggled. She grabbed my hand suddenly, without a warning, entangling her fingers in mine. A happy confusion overrun me for a moment but I kept going at the same walking pace as her. We needed not to talk with each other. The silence was letting us know everything we wanted. A comfortable and reassuring silence that I never had and I will not have again-- ever. It was cold that day. Mostly because it was winter. Yet her hands were quite warm. Maybe it had to do something with the gloves she was wearing but I want to believe it was something more magical than mere gloves. She started showing me around the area as this was my first time coming here. As a naive child I was amazed by the little tour of her's. I'm sure my enhtusiasm for her beauty had something to do with the amazement. We continued our journey and all we could do was stare at each other. I was staring at her amazingly straight hair. I don't know why she was staring at me though and what exactly could someone find attractive on me but I was quite happy that she felt the same as I did. 

Oh, how wrong I was. How wrong I was for thinking that she felt the same as me. She never did. Fast forward a year and there I was. Waiting again. Waiting for the last time. Waiting for the fire to extinguish and when the fire stopped all that was left was ashes. Ashes of my perfect relationship. Ashes of a perfect girl.
She was and always will be one of my best friends. She was also like a sister to me and my girlfriend too.
Standing in the dust of all this was her. Opposite of me. She stared blankly at the ashes. I was secretly wishing for her not to look at me. My wish never came true. She raised her head and looked at me with the most beautiful yet sad eyes I have ever seen. Her tears flowing like a river down her peachy cheecks.  Her stare changed from a blank one to a more frustrated and curious look. Curious about what happened here. Frustrated about why it happened. I can only imagine the questions and anger inside her mind and what a mind that was. I could not help my self but just say that I was sorry. Yet, what a sorry could do? Could it fix all this? Could it Make her feel better? Of course not. Nothing could fix this and nothing could repair her broken heart. 

Maybe we took so many chances I said--
Or maybe we left so many pass us.

Such bullshit, she shouted with her tearful eyes, trying to find something to make sense out of all this. The only way was through the smoke but the journey needed two people. I was not willing to go through the smoke. Up until now, even though I had many sleepless nights about this I never understood why I was not willing. Maybe I was immature or just plain stupid. If left her alone in the middle of the storm and left. The only thing that I really wish to be true is that I saved her from someone who could do a lot more damage in the long run. I saved her from me. If I was to believe that I deprived my self from a soulmate that would make me extremely depressed. 

How wrong I was. How wrong I was for thinking that she felt the same as me. She never did. She felt stronger than anyone. She could go through the fire and not the smoke. She was willing to fight for me.  She was willing to accept all the invisible abnormalities in me and I wish I could say you are that one girl in a million but you are not. You are definitely much better than that.

Besides, no one can handle a firestrom like you did.