Happy New Year and Many Thanks..

Happy New Year everyone.. May this year bring all of u all things good.. may it be a prosperous year filled with good health, joy, success, and lots of love.. may 2016 bring u everything 2015 took away from you and more.. may the only tears you shed be those of happiness..
May you always be surrounded with the people you love and love you.. may success come your way..
May you my dear friend find this to be a year of New beginnings, new job opportunities.. may you find love.. deep true and pure love.. may you be safe, for I could never live in a world you don't exist in.. may you always remember how thankful I am for the years of true friendship and wonderful moments you have given me.. for in all the darkness that has surrounded me throughout these years..you have been my Sun.. through all the hardships you were my rock.. through all the tears you were my shoulder to cry on.. you put up with more than anyone should have to.. and you have never complained.. you my dear friend have been my guardian Angel..you're friendship is a gift and a blessing.. I hope in the years to come I repay the favour..
And you.. my dark and twisted pal.. though I may not know you long.. I have gained a new friend.. and no matter how far away you are.. I have gotten to spend many joyful times with you.. you have given me many hours of crazy conversations and many of serious ones.. you're witty responses and black humour always make me laugh.. you have been there for me.. comforted me.. shared your concerns with me and mine with you.. you are a bright spot despite our darkness in my life.. I look forward to our crazy moments as students together..
My special new friend.. you too came unexpectedly and brought a smile to my lips at a time in my life smiles were long lost.. you and your crazy crazy ways.. so spontaneous, so real.. you gave me memories and moments I shall never forget.. I will never forget your friendship.. I hope you never do too..
Dear sister.. what can I say.. 20 years together.. my friend my saviour.. so different we are.. but nevertheless you have never judged me for all the stupid things I have done.. you have loved me selflessly despite my many flaws.. forgiven my angry remarks.. you have always been by my side no matter how many miles separate us.. you are my light.. I will always thank the universe above for giving me a sister like you.. I could have asked for no one better.. you are the smartest and most talented person I know.. may you always be the wonderful person you are.. I shall never leave your side.. I love you more dearly than I love myself..
My dearest parents.. I cannot thank you enough.. you have raised us with such love.. you have gone without so many times for us to have everything we need.. you have given us life.. stuck by our sides no matter what we have chosen.. you let us learn from our mistakes and never have you judged our choices.. you are a blessing.. I am proud to call you my parents.. everyday that goes by.. I try to make you proud..
A best friend, a big brother.. you came to my life as a foe but ended up my best friend.. you were always the protective older brother I never had... you always had my back.. and I know that in years to come you still will.. thank you!
My sweet fallen Angel.. you are no longer in my life.. but you are on my mind.. always on my mind.. my dearest love.. I wish you all the best.. may your life always be filled with joy.. may you always smile that boyish smile of yours.. may your eyes always twinkle like stars.. my you find inspiration  in all of your hardships to keep on making your beautiful music.. may you always believe in yourself and your talent.. and may all of your craziest dreams come true.. only success may come your way.. and love.. may you find a love worthy of you.. thank you.. for letting me love you.. thank you for loving me.. for giving so many memories which I will cherish for ever.. for giving me hope.. you gave me hope my love.. having known you was a gift I will always keep in my heart.. we may never meet again but I am always by your side.. you are always in my heart.. and in years to come I will continue loving you with every one of my broken pieces.. from the bottom of my heart I hope you get everything you wish for.. I only want you to be happy..
And to all the rest of you who came into my life this year or have been there for years.. so many thanks.. you were either another blessing or another lesson..
May 2016 only come with good moments.. have fun y'all..

2015 + 1 Memories

Αναμνήσεις...Αχ, αυτές οι αναμνήσεις. Φαντάσματα  μιάς παλιάς εποχής, ενός άλλου εαυτού. Στοιχειώνουν τις μικρές, άδεις γωνίες του τεράστιου μυαλού μας. Ψευγάδια και απομεινάρια νεκρών σχέσεων, ναυαγισμένων καταστάσεων και καμένων ιστοριών. Στάχτες και μόνο στάχτες. Παρόλα αυτά, πάντα βρίσκουν έναν τρόπο να λαμπαδιάσουν ξανά και πριν καταλάβεις τι έγινε, έχουν πιάσει φωτιά και σε βασανίζουν χωρις λόγο. 'Ασκοπες νύχτες χωρις ξημέρωμα, δίχως ύπνο, με μαύρα για να μην πώ κόκκινα μάτια απο το άπειρο κλάμα, κόμποι στον λαιμό και άδεια μπουκάλια με κρασί (ή οτι προτιμά ο καθένας). Ψυχοφθόρες σκέψεις ατελείωτες σαν δράμα που παίζει επαναλαμβανόμενα και παρόλο που κάθε φορά που το βλέπεις κάτι μέσα σου πεθαίνει, εσύ συνεχίζεις και το παρακολουθείς, ελπίζοντας οτι το αποτέλεσμα θα αλλάξει στο τέλος, ελπίζεις οτι θα υπάρξει happy ending τελικά. Βασικά διορθώνω, δεν ελπίζεις, το χρειάζεσαι. Το χρειάζεσαι όσο τίποτα στον κόσμο. Ξέρουμε όμως πως δεν έχει καλό τέλος, άλλωστε τα φαντάσματα είναι νεκρά, τα καράβια βυθίστηκαν και όλοι γνωρίζουν τι έγινε με τον τιτανικό στο τέλος. Αγάπες που σβήσαν σαν άστρα, και όνειρα που χάθηκαν στην παλλοίρια σαν κάστρα απο άμμο. Χειμωνιάτικες πίκρες και Αυγουστιάτικοι έρωτες που τελείωσαν άδοξα. Φωτογραφίες σε συρτάρια γεμάτα σκόνη και άλλες σκισμένες στο πάτωμα δίπλα απο τα άδεια μπουκάλια και η ταινία να παίζει σε repeat με εσένα στην άλλη άκρη να χαμογελάς με κενά μάτια γιατί βαθιά μέσα σου ξέρεις το τέλος.

 Οι ιστορίες τελείωσαν όμως, κλείσε την τηλεόραση, σταμάτα να βλέπεις αυτή την χαζοταινία. Σπάστη στα δύο, φώναξε αμα γουστάρεις, πάτα κάτω την κασέτα μέχρι να γίνει χίλια κομμάτια.
Βλέπεις...ο έρωτας γερνά και οι στάχτες όσο φωτεινές και αν φαίνονται πριν σβήσουν, μια ζωή στάχτες θα παραμείνουν. Ρίξε λίγο χώμα πάνω τους για να μην ξανά ανάψουν, σκούπισε τα μαλλιά σου που έγιναν άσπρα απο όλα αυτά, φύγε και μην κοιτάξεις πίσω. Τα κεφάλαια υπάρχουν για να κλείνουν, τα βιβλία τελειώνουν και οι ιστορίες δεν είναι όλες όμορφες. Κάποιες είναι μακάβριες, άλλες είναι σκέτη άβυσσος. Μελωδίες που ξεχάστηκαν στα βάθη του χρόνου, σπασμένα βυνίλια και χαλασμένες βελόνες. Σήκωσε τις σχισμένες φωτογραφίες απο κάτω και κόλλησε καλά τα κομμάτια. Βάλτα δίπλα απο τον καθρέφτη και παρατήρησε καλά. Παρατήρησε πόσο διαφορετικός σαν άνθρωπος είναι το είδωλο σου απο αυτό στις φωτογραφίες. Μπορεί να είναι λίγο πιο σπασμένο, μπορεί να είναι γεμάτο ουλές αλλά παρατήρησε καλύτερα. Κοίτα αυτά τα μάτια που υποτίθεται πως είναι κενά. Δεν είναι κενά στην πραγματικότητα, απλά άλλαξαν. Αυτό κάνουν οι εμπειρίες, αλλάζουν. Δεν είναι κενά, είναι γεμάτα. Ολόκληρα. Ας το πούμε...Δύναμη. Τίποτα παραπάνω, τίποτα λιγότερο. Δεν σταμάτησες να ψάχνεις το άλλο σου μισό επειδή δεν μπορείς να το βρείς, σταμάτησες επειδή είσαι ολόκληρος. Δεν είσαι μισός. Νομίζεις πως είσαι μισός. Ίσως επειδή το έχεις ανάγκη, Ίσως επειδή μέσα στο χάος όλα είναι διαστρεβλωμένα, σαν να κοιτάς πίσω απο ένα σπασμένο τζάμι την ζωή σου. Τα χαμόγελα φαίνονται προδοσίες, και οι προδοσίες, χαμόγελα. Τα μαύρα φαίνονται άσπρα και το αντίστροφο.

Δεν θα επικεντρωθώ στο χάος όμως. Προτιμώ να μιλήσω για το τζάμι. Αυτό το χαζό τζάμι που φαίνεται άθραυστο μα είναι ραγισμένο. Αυτό το τζάμι που το βαράς εδώ και χρόνια μα ποτέ δεν δοκίμασες να το αγγίξεις. Αυτό το τεράστιο εμπόδιο που είναι σαν βούνο όταν το κοιτάς μα ποτέ δεν δοκίμασες να αλλάξεις όπτικη γωνία για να δείς πόσο μικρό είναι. Όλοι το έχουν, και εγώ είμαι μέσα σε αυτούς. Το δικό μου το τζάμι το θέλω εκεί. Είναι δικιά μου επιλογή. Δεν είναι τόσο κακό στην δικιά μου περίπτωση μιάς που έμαθα να ζώ με αυτό. Το αποδέχθηκα γιατί φοβόμουν πολύ να το αγγίξω ξανά και να το κάνω κομμάτια. Το θέμα είναι πως ο φόβος είναι καθαρά δικό μας δημιούργημα. Κάτι το οποίο είναι φανταστικό, αμελητέο. Το κενό δεν είναι εκεί, όσο πραγματικό και αν το νιώθεις. Το κενό θα υπάρξει πραγματικά μόνο αν το αφήσεις. Μόνο αν το επιλέξεις. Δεν λέω, το ψέμα βολεύει. Ο φόβος βολεύει μερικές φορές. Το θέμα με αυτό όμως είναι πως αν λές στον εαυτό σου το ίδιο ψέμα για πολύ καιρό, το κάνεις εσύ ο ίδιος πραγματικότητα. Αυτό δεν είναι επιλογή, είναι ψυχαναγκασμός. Μην με παίρνεις στραβά βέβαια, δεν κρίνω κανέναν άλλωστε όλοι είμαστε λίγο τρελοί (βλ. εμένα). Η τρέλα είναι έμφυτη στην ανθρώπινη φύση αλλά να μην προκαλούμε και την τύχη μας.

Έμειναν λίγες ώρες πριν τελειώσει το 2015 και στην θέση του έρθει το 2016. Όχι δεν θα πώ τίποτα γλυκανάλατο του στύλ << καινούριος χρόνος, καινούριος εγώ>>. Αυτό που θέλω να πώ είναι πως το τζάμι μπορεί να σπάσει, ο φόβος μπορεί να φύγει και αυτές οι καταραμένες αναμνήσεις μπορούν να αλλάξουν. Να γίνουν όμορφες, γεμάτες χαμόγελα. Ακόμα και οι χειρότερες ιστορίες έχουν κάτι όμορφο μέσα τους. Μπορεί να άρχισαν όμορφα, μπορεί ο δρόμος  μέχρι το τέλοςνα ήταν μια τεράστια υπέροχη περιπέτεια. Το τέλος ανήκει στο τέλος, το παρέλθον ανήκει στο παρελθόν και τα άσχημα του 2015/14/13 και των άλλων χρόνων ανήκουν στους άλλους χρόνους. Άγγιξε το τζάμι, παρατήρησε καλύτερα, δες τι κρύβεται πίσω απο το ράγισμα και ίσως να καταλάβεις πως δεν είναι καν τζάμι. Ίσως να είναι κάτι που ανοίγει.

Μια πόρτα που ήταν ήδη ανοιχτή όλο αυτό τον καιρό......

New year..

As another year slowly comes to an end.. it's funny the things u reminiscence.. people, moments, tastes, smells.. little things etched deep in ur mind.. some things u miss,  some you're glad are over..

The memories are scattered.. I remember vaguely the joyful moments as the painfull ones are etched deeper in my mind..  

I remember.. your smell on the t-shirts I always used to wear.. I remember your playful remarks that u have no clothes left for I have taken them all.. which in all honesty was true.. I remember your smile.. so playful and boyish.. contagious.. I couldn't help but smile when u smiled at me.. I remember those secret looks u used to give me filled with emotion.. I remember ur voice.. I loved hearing ur voice.. it was  gentle.. so beautiful.. I still hear ur voice in the back of my mind in every song u used to sing to me.. I remember how much I loved to hear u sing.. always nagging u to get ur guitar out and sing me a song.. Oh how excited I got when the songs you would sing were the songs u wrote yourself.. but you were shy as I recall, preserved when it came to ur music.. just like I was with my writing.. we used to make deal as I remember.. u sing me your song I'll show you something I've written.. you knew already most of it was about you.. 

I remember the sweet things you said.. one by one.. as if it was only yesterday I heard them.. 

There is a smile on my lips as I recall that night when you took my hand and we danced,  blues, on the balcony under the moonlight like idiots in the middle of a cold cold winter..  

I fondly prod my mind further and remember those endless sleepless nights we spent talking about anything and everything.. the fights that ended in kisses.. the playful banter..

And then I remember that final week.. the one before u left.. mixed feelings of love and sorror.. crying lots of crying.. you started packing your things and quickly shoving everything in bags as if to get out as quick as you can.. I was crying on the bed looking helplessly at you saying nothing, while my mind was screaming at you to stay.. you came and sat right next to me and asked me why I was crying...  I never told you.. I took your hand as you got up to leave and pulled you into a hug.. and I will never forget what you said. Two simple little words that cracked my heart a little bit  more.. you said 'thank you' and I cried harder.. we spent a long week saying goodbye.. I went with you to the bus stop.. I cried some more. I let go of your hand as you got on the bus.. and then.. total darkness.. it surrounded me as I cried myself to sleep night after night and pulled me deeper each day..
That's a period of time I've burried deep in my mind..
You came back.. only to leave again.. this time I waved goodbye with a smile.. and that was the end.. I know.. we shared some moments after that.. but it was never the same.. it was not until recently I came to realize.. it all ended that night at the bus stop although I chose not to see it..
I closed that chapter of my life.. and like to think I let it behind me.. although memories still creep into my mind as that familiar feeling of longing comes back to haunt me..
But you were not the only chapter in my left that left me longing for more..
The setting in my mind changes as if in a movie.. it's summertime I'm saying goodbye to my best friend as I wave her off.. and I say hello to you.. a stranger at the time.. you're cute although I hardly notice.. not my type.. not my style.. we talk for a long while laying in the floor, as you bombard me with questions about anything and everything.. you smiled a lot.. you made me smile a lot.. you made me forget for a while.. of him.. we came closer over the next few days.. I remember feeling.. hopeful.. of a new beginning.. you made me forget of so much pain.. you were so sweet.. so different.. it was that which I found so attractive.. your caring nature mingled with a stranger manliness.. I fell in love again I think.. I can't be sure of my own feelings yet.. not after all that happened.. from you I recall you're laugh, smile, jokes..  your way of making me feel good again.. and though it hasn't worked out so far.. I will never forget how you made me..forget.. I'm grateful though you may never know.. I still hope you would take that leap of faith and speak your mind at last..
My mind wonders elsewhere.. to the fun I had with my friends.. to my new friends.. some of which I hold dearly in my heart.. to the new places I went to.. to the many things I learned.. drunken stupors and laughing fits.. New doors opening and many closing behind me..
A whole year went by once again.. it feels like an eon..  i know it's a cliche.. the whole new year new me crap.. but I have to believe something better is coming.. not a new shelf.. a new experience.. New friends.. New loves.. a whole new adventure.. that's what I want.. so I go back in my mind one last time.. and close that door nailing it shut.. it's time to open a new door.. come what may.. a new chapter must begin.. 

Broken

Broken.. what does being broken mean?? Everyone has been broken in their life. Everyone has been through that unbearable pain.. Everyone has had their trust crumbled and thrown to the ground leaving them oh so vulnerable.. but what exactly does that mean? Is that pain bound to change ur outlook on life? Bound to change u? It must be. How can u still believe with the same purity in something that made u fold to the ground crying yourself to sleep so many nights? Love, trust.. such sacred words, such effort to built them and believe in them when all it takes is a moment for them to turn to dust.. a word, an action. A fraction of a second is all it takes for years of effort to disappear in thin air.. and where does all that trust and love go after that? Is it possible to build it all again? Isn't it like trying to build a house of cards when the wind is gushing around u, spinning the cards around as if in a tornado? A tornado yes.. that's what it's like! Like a tornado has passed through.. lifting everything, your whole life and ideology in the air and spinning it around, until everything you knew is scattered all over the fucking place.. leaving u dumbstruck without the faintest idea of how to put everything back where it belongs.
And just like that, you're broken. Does that mean you can't be fixed? And how do you know if you can be fixed again? Do you need help? Or is it something you have to accomplish alone? So many questions.. so little answers..
For me.. it's like an impossible task. For me.. my faith, trust,  Love isn like a house of cards.. the smallest of movement,  the calmest breeze can ruin it all over again. Am I so broken that my pieces have turned into fragments?  The fragments into to dust?  Impossible to put together again? Will I ever be able to love in the same way I did?  Do I even want to? So much effort put into something so fragile.. so much of myself I have already given away, I kept too little for myself.. I know it was my mistake but how could I deny myself the gift of love, at least once in my life.. My dear I was so young.  How was I to know of the terrible terrible outcome?  Was it to be expected?  It must have been.. it was a love so fierce it burned out by it's own intensity..
Is it wrong that I am thankful?  Thankful for living it? Fond of those excruciatingly painful memories? Is it wrong that I visit them for comfort?  Yes.. as crazy as it sounds they give me comfort.. they are my incentive to try.. to continue giving away my broken pieces in hope that they won't be abused again.. and I do try.. Broken or not I put a smile on my face, and I go on.. walking down my lonely road as always.. I dream.. bigger than before.. I have to believe that something better will come along because if I don't I shall crumble to the ground once again with no ability to get back up..
How twisted is it that what broke you.. might be the only thing keeping you together?
It's a riddle to hard to solve.. life.. it can be harsh.. it can be brutally harsh.. that's what I've come to realize.. it gives you something wonderful only to take it away from you again.. you experience bliss, moments before you feel the pain.. as if to make it more intense..
 The ironic part is that you actually need to experience this kind of loss and pain.. because it makes you stronger..
Am I stronger because of what I lost?  I don't feel stronger.. I don't feel weaker.. if anything, I feel..lost.. Yes.. I feel lost.. and how do I find my way again.. Am I to go blind and with no directions? Is their another lesson waiting for me down the road? Can I take a another bullet to the heart?
Broken.. we are all broken.. waiting for someone to repair us.. maybe we're irreparable.. maybe we're not as broken as we think. Maybe it's fear that turns us into cynics.. maybe we don't even know how afraid we are so we convince ourselves we've changed.. maybe deep down we are exactly the same person we were.. no.. how can that be possible? It is not.  But fear does end up leading our paths.. we need to gain powered over that fear instead of letting it gain more power over us..
I come to the conclusion, I'm not afraid..I have nothing left to lose so what is there to fear.. the pain? I managed to shove it away in the back of my mind before.. I can do it again.. i got up when I fell.. I can do it again.. you think it feels like you're in hell?  Well I made hell my home not my punishment.. it's more fun burning there.. I snuggle with my demons.. I don't fight them.. they are good company.. so if hell is what I may experience again.. then to hell with that shit. It's an experience I look forward to.. maybe I'm unbreakable after being broken to many times..
Maybe..

Ευτυχισμένος ο Σχεδόν Καινούριος Χρόνος

Κυρίες, δεσποινίδες και κύριοι... ΚΑΛΗΜΕΡΑ ΣΑΣ!

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year και άλλα πολλά τέτοια. Τριγωνάκια, χαζά παιδάκια και κάλαντα παντού. Ξέρω, ξέρω όλα αυτά μπορεί να είναι σπαστικά. Σίγουρα υπάρχουν και άλλοι σαν και εμένα εκεί έξω που απλά μισούν τα Χριστούγεννα. Ίσως επειδή είναι παγανιστική γιορτή( sorry to burst your bubble), ίσως επειδή δεν μπορούν τον καπιταλισμό και τον υπερκαταναλωτισμό της σημερινής καπιταλιστικής εποχής( viva la revolution comrades), ίσως επειδή δεν μπορούν αυτές τις υπέροχες φάλτσες φωνές των μικρών παιδιών στις επτά το πρωί όταν απλά θέλεις να κοιμηθείς. ΑΛΛΑ, ΑΛΛΑ. Ας δούμε την θετική πλευρά των πραγμάτων. Ναί, η όλη χαρά και καλοσύνη που πετάγεται απο το πουθενά σε όλους μπορεί να είναι απο τα πιο ψεύτικα πράγματα που υπάρχουν. Όλοι έχουν ένα χαζό χαμόγελο, χριστουγεννιάτικα τραγούδια παίζουν όπου και να πάς, all i want for Christmas is you και άλλα τέτοια γλυκανάλατα. Έβαλα λοιπόν τον χριστουγεννιάτικο σκούφο μου, εφοδιάστικα με μπόλικα μελομακάρονα και αποφάσισα μιας που για κάποιο μυστήριο λόγο ξύπνησα με γιορτινή διάθεση να σας αλλάξω την γνώμη για την ψευτιά των Χριστουγέννων. Όχι, όχι δεν μου έκαναν λοβοτομή ξαφνικά και απο κατάθλιψη, λοβ στόρις και καψούρα έγινα χαρούμενος άνθρωπος αλλά μια στο τόσο, σαν καλός τρελός και εγώ βγάζω στην επιφάνεια μιά στο τόσο τον καλό εαυτό μου ( με λουρί, σε ελεγχόμενο περιβάλλον) γιατί αν αρχίσει να τρέχει ελεύθερος την κάτσαμε την βάρκα. Η χαρά των ανθρώπων μπορεί να φαίνεται ψεύτικη τα Χριστούγεννα αλλά δεν είναι. Υπάρχει εκεί απο την αρχή του χρόνου, χτίζεται σταδιακά μαζί με το υπερβολικό άγχος της δουλειάς, το στρες των προβλημάτων και τα λοιπά. Το θέμα είναι πως η κοινωνία μας έχει γαλουχιθεί με τέτοιον τρόπο που πιστεύει πως η μόνη εποχή που μπορεί να είναι καλά είναι τα Χριστούγεννα. Τι να τους κάνουμε όμως και ποιοί είμαστε εμείς για να τους κρίνουμε και να τους χαλάσουμε χατήρι χριστουγεννιάτικες μέρες που είναι; Τα Χριστούγεννα είναι μια τεράστια μπάλα που πατάνε όλοι στο χέρι τους και παίζουν μαζί της για να νιώσουν καλύτερα. Αν οι εποχές είχαν επαγγέλματα, ο Δεκέμβρης θα ήταν η γραμματέας και τα Χριστούγεννα ο ψυχοθεραπευτής των μαζών. Για μια φορά μετά απο αρκετά χρόνια χαίρομαι που είμαι μέσα στα ραντεβού για να πώ την αλήθεια. Αν εξαιρέσουμε το οτι είμαι μόνιμως πεινασμένος λόγω των φαγητών που μυρίζω απο τα μπαλκόνια όταν περπατάω, όλα τα υπόλοιπα είναι όμορφα. Μπορεί να μην έχω το χιόνι της Αγγλίας, μιας που ήρθα για διακοπές στην Ελλάδα αλλά έχω να κοιτάω τα χαμόγελα των άγνωστων ανθρώπων. Την ευγένεια τους και την αλληλεγγύη και ενότητα που νιώθει ο κόσμος αυτή την όμορφη εποχή του χρόνου. Μικρό τυμπανιστή μην ακούσω μόνο γιατί θα σκοτώσω καμια γαλοπούλα. Ακόμα και αν δεν συμφωνείτε μαζί μου, ακόμα και αν ακόμα πιστεύετε πως η χαρά των Χριστουγέννων είναι κάτι ψεύτικο μην φοβάστε τίποτα. Εδώ είμαι να σας πρήζω με επειχηρήματα.

  Let's talk psychology. Ας πούμε πως η χαρά είναι όντως ψεύτικη. Όταν πιστεύεις κάτι βαθιά μέσα σου, ακόμα και αν αυτό είναι ένα τεράστιο ψέμα που σου έχει μπεί στο μυαλό μέσω της τηλεόρασης, της απίστευτα αυστηρής και Χριστιαννικής οικογένειας και άλλων είναι αλήθεια ή ψέμα; Αν εσύ επέλεξες να το υιοθετήσεις και να το πιστέψεις υπάρχει για σένα ή όχι; Άμα σου λένε για 30 χρόνια πως είσαι χαζούλης, σε κάποια φάση θα το πιστέψεις. Μπορεί να μην ισχύει αλλά την στιγμή που θα το πιστέψεις για σένα υπάρχει. Είναι αληθινό. Έγω πιστεύω στα μελομακάρονα ας πούμε. Αν μπορούσα να τα παντρευτώ θα είχα ζητήσει ήδη το χέρι τους απο τον φούρναρη που τα πήρα τις προάλλες. Τι να κάνουμε όμως; Δεν μπορούμε να τα έχουμε όλα σε αυτή την ζωή. Μα Νίκο, τι λές; Πόσο αντιφατικός μπορεί να είσαι; Πάντα δεν έλεγες πως η σκληρή αλήθεια είναι πιο καλή απο το πιο γλυκό ψέμα;  Ναί Νίκο νούμερο 2, σατ δε φακ απ  τώρα. Που λέτε η ζωή δεν είναι άσπρο και μαύρο. Δεν είναι μόνο λύπη και χαρά. Είναι ανάμικτα συναισθήματα, εκπλήξεις που τρομάζουν και τελικά είναι καλές, χαρές που κατέληξαν σε μια κακή στιγμή. Τα Χριστούγεννα σβήνουν το μαύρο και τις άλλες σκούρες αποχρώσεις και αφήνουν απλά το άσπρο. Όταν μια ιδέα σαν αυτή είναι στα μυαλά όλου του πλυθησμού μια χώρας η μιας πόλης και αν όχι όλου, ενός μεγάλου ποσοστού τότε αυτή η ιδέα έρχεται στην ζωή, γίνεται πραγματική. Άλλωστε, γιατί να μην θέλεις να γίνει πραγματική; Ακόμα και ο πιο αναίσθητος άνθρωπος γίνεται έστω και λίγο καλός ( βλ. Νίκο 2) , ακόμα και οι πιο κακοί γονείς γίνονται καλοί, οι εχθροί γίνονται ξανά φίλοι έστω και για λίγο, οι πρώην νιώθουν πάλι την αγάπη του/της τότε νύν και άλλα πολλά τέτοια. Όλα αυτά δεν γίνονται επειδή κάποιος τους είπε να το κάνουν. Όλα αυτά δεν γίνονται επειδή τους βομβάρδισαν με τις διαφημήσεις των Jumbo που με κάνουν να θέλω να πετάξω την τηλεόραση απο το τρίτο, ούτε αποφάσισαν να παραμερήσουν τις διαφορές τους επειδή άκουσαν το ραπαπαπαπαμ. ΠΟΥ ΑΜΑ ΤΟΝ ΕΒΡΙΣΚΑ ΘΑ ΤΟΥ ΠΕΡΝΟΥΣΑ ΤΟ ΤΥΜΠΑΝΟ ΚΟΛΛΑΡΟ! Όχι, όχι. Το ήθελαν υποσυνείδιτα. Δεν έχουν ιδέα οτι το ξέρουν και το θέλουν αλλά το ξέρουν και το θέλουν. Όλοι έχουμε στείλει μύνημα στην/στον πρώην όταν το ρολόι βαράει 12:01. Μην μου λέτε ψέματα εμένα. Λές και δεν σας ξέρω.

Αρκετά με την ψυχολογία όμως. Ώρα για γεγονότα, χειροπιαστα και γεμάτα μέλι όπως τα μελομακάρονα που έχω πεθάνει εδώ και ώρα τώρα. Όταν άρχισα το μλόγκ αυτό δεν είχα καμία ελπίδα πως κάποιος θα το δεί, πως κάποιος θα το διαβάσει. Χθές ανακάλυψα πως απο τον Φεβρουάριο που γράφω και ενώ το μπλόγκ είχε 600 προβολές μέσα σε 9 μήνες, με λίγα λόγια τίποτα, ξαφνικά όταν μπήκε ο Δεκέμβρης εκτινάχθηκε στα 1,000. Πώς; Δεν έχω ιδέα. Η δικιά μου θεωρία είναι πως φταίει το γιορτινό πνεύμα.Όλοι θέλουν αγάπη. Όλοι θέλουν κάποιον στην ζωή τους ακόμα και αν επέλεξαν το αντίθετο, ακόμα και αν το αρνούνται και γελάνε κάθε φορά που τους το λένε. 400 προβολές μέσα σε μισό μήνα. Τώρα θα έκανα μαθημάτικα για να δείξω το ποσοστό και την διαφορά αλλά ατυχήσατε, δεν έχω ιδέα απο μαθηματικά. 

Τελειώνοντας θα ήθελα να πώ πως εύχομαι ότι επιθυμείτε στην αγκαλιά σας να το βρείτε, ευτυχισμένος ο σχεδόν καινούριος χρόνος και ελπίζω το 2016 να πάει καλύτερα απο το 2015.

Εύχαριστούμε όποιον διάβασε έστω για μια φορά τα άρθρα που γράφουμε εδώ μέσα και ελπίζουμε να βοηθήσαμε κάπως η να ταυτιστίκατε με αυτά. 

Μελομακάρονα giveway στο τέλος του πόστ.

Καλές γιορτές και βλέπε τίτλο!

Superpowers and Miracles

Sometimes certain people are meant to be together and sometimes they are never meant to belong.
There is this certain someone. She is quite a remarkable woman. She is not my heart but I care about her, she is not my family but I miss her. Oh, this stupid little girl. She doesn't like mirrors but mirrors do like her. She is one of the most important ingredients in my life right now. She is the most true person I've ever met. She knows almost everything about me yet she stays by my side. Even though she knows I am fucked up and pretty much empty, she is always there. Always smiling, always making my day better. I consider myself lucky for having her in my life. She can shine bright and radiate more light than the sun and she can be darker than black. She can be heaven and hell at the same time. She accepted me for what I really am, never tried to change me into anything, not even a little and I did the same as well. She popped up out of nowhere, in a pretty difficult time of my life. I remember the first time I saw her. Beautiful, full of joy and always wearing a red lipstick. We talked and we talked about almost everything. She uplifted my empty soul just by existing. She can be weird and serious, bitchy and good, scared and scary, vulnerable and invulnerable, she can be everything and nothing.

Red hair and red lipstick, what a wonderful combination. Dark like the abyss and bright like the morning sun rays at the same time. Her eyes are blue and colder than ice but her stare is hotter than magma. Every single morning we were drinking coffee before class. She was so vibrant and happy every day, it made me wonder. How could she be so happy every single day? I found out that she was like me..cracked, broken. I identified myself in the stories she told me. I felt a strong bond even though I knew her for 2 months. It was like I knew her all my life. Her face was so familiar and her voice was so soothing. After some time she was blonde again and she was still beautiful as hell.
Sometimes I was afraid that if someone was listening our conversations we would be put in a mental hospital and yet, if that was the case I would have the best mental hospital company ever. The epic duo of me and her. The 'two man army' as they say. I could easily picture us in a world domination scenario and her as a Queen. Pulling the strings with just a stare that could pierce your soul and make you instantly fall in love with her. However, she has no idea of her capabilities and potential. This may occur because of her hate towards mirrors but I'm working on changing it.

 Her body posture is overwhelming as always, filling you with so many feelings. Scared, attracted, curious and you have no idea what to do and what to say. She has this superpower... You cant say no to her. Maybe because she is adorable and cute, maybe she really has a superpower, you can never know. The only thing someone can do is to submit to her will and she doesn't even know but I do.
The big conclusion is that certain people are valuable. They may be weird, broken, empty but they can emit so many feelings, they can make you happy and you need to be careful not to lose people like them.

They are like miracles...

The Great Cost Of An Illusion

A friend of mine told me that a life without love is meaningless but what can I do when I am empty as hell? Loneliness can be a good friend for life too. Loneliness doesn't  complain. Loneliness won't betray or hurt you. I always thought that love was overrated. My perspective of love is the following.
A huge illusion of happiness. Love can make you powerful or weak. Love can make you invulnerable or kill you. No one has power or control over love, its the opposite. Love may be the most powerful feeling out there. It can manipulate everyone, it can destroy lives and reincarnate them. It can kill you and bring you back to life again. A big lie, the sweetest lie I've ever been told. So warm and cozy, so real. My faith in love wore out long ago however, the sole fact of you waking up beside me makes me crazy, crazy in love. I wish for this illusion to exist forever in my life. Seeing you smiling makes me happy. Seeing you sad makes me sad. It's like I can feel what you can feel, like we are in sync. Your brightest and your darkest days. I'm scared that one day you will find out the big void inside of me and leave me, I'm scared that somehow you will look inside my eyes and find out the big secret I've been hiding from you all these years but for now I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts. I will cherish every single moment of my life with you. I will keep inside my small, stupid mind every single smile of yours, every single tear, everything.

They say that words can create misunderstandings but we sure like to talk a lot. Nights with no sleep, sunsets and sunrises have past and we are still  talking about every small or big thing we can find without getting bored of each other. I hope that this magic dust that binds us together never fades. I always thought that feeling things was a weakness but you taught me that it's power. You taught me to fall in love, pick up my pieces when I'm hurt and shape my heart from the beginning stronger, better. I've learned not to fear the rain but enjoy it, to protect the people I love and trust. I've learned so many things because of you. Even though you touch me, sometimes I think that you will disappear  like the moonlight when the sun rises and I'll be alone. I'm so scared of the thought that you won't be here to hold you in my arms. It's like someone sent you from heaven to my own hell. You are like a good dream which fends off my worst nightmares. The most beautiful thing in life, I found them in your eyes. You gave me your hand and showed me how bright hope can shine.

You told me that you will always love me. You told me that you will always be next to me, holding my hand as I couldn't walk properly without you beside me and I believed you. I trusted you and that was the best decision I have ever made in my whole life. The decision to fall for you, to blindly trust you and support you in everything you wanted to do. How can I be so empty when I am writing all this. How can I be so empty when I feel all these feelings for you. Maybe it's my fault. I wish I had a hourglass so I can turn back time. Right my wrongs. So I can try to make you feel something for me. I wish I had a hourglass so I can turn back time and convince you to teach me more things. Such as how empty I would feel when you leave, the great cost of all this happiness. The side - effects of loving someone so deeply. The side - effects of this addiction. The shaking, the tears, the darkness.
Maybe I feel empty because of all the noise of the outside world and the silence of my mind. Maybe because every time I see you, deep inside me I know that I will never touch you again.

Maybe because I was empty from the beginning..........

..as time goes by

Time goes by.. time flies by.. before you know it, winter has gone and it has come again.. and with it have come so many changes.. people keep saying how much can change in year.. we don't realise how much can change in a minute, a second.. a heartbeat is all it takes.. to fall in love or out of it.. to make a life changing decision.. to live to die.. Time flies, all of a sudden you wake up and you're all  grown up now, with real problems, a real life. And God you wish you could turn back time to when the scratches on your knees were the only thing that hurt.. cause everyone keeps pointing out the perks of being old enough to be independent, old enough to drink, to live alone, to smoke,  to have sex,  to stay out as late as you like, party as hard as you please. No one ever tells you how much growing up hurts.. Everyone tells you how wonderful it is to fall in love, no one tells you about that gaping hole that makes every breath painful.. No one is there to help you back up when you have fallen so low you can barely see the surface..
And when you have been broken? Who is there to put the pieces back together? ? You! Only you can do that, only you.. you pick up the pieces one by one cutting yourself again and again on their jagged edges while you glue yourself together.. just so you get broken again and again. So what are you supposed to do? Lock yourself in  a room and throw away the key in an effort to protect yourself?  Avoid anyone who could cause you heartache?  Are supposed to miss out on  all those wonderful moments , are supposed to miss out on life, just because you are afraid of a little or a lot of pain? And if you don't make mistakes how in the world are you gonna learn what is right? And if you never hurt how in the world are you going to appreciate the happiness that comes before? And if you are afraid of endings,  how are you going to experience those glorious beginnings?  But darling don't you know yet? Sunsets are proof endings can be just as beautiful as beginnings.. are you never going to watch the sun come out lighting the world around you.. feeling the warmth of  those first rays of sun on your skin.. never going to lose yourself in that feeling that a new day has dawned just because you can't bare the thought of seeing the sun hide away and the wold around you hide in the shadows at twilight? But that is no way to live honey.. you need one to appreciate the other.. every ending is a new beginning is disguise. Every fall is an opportunity to get back up even stronger..
And for the love of God life is so short and yet so precious. Why are you letting it pass you by? Why are loosing yourself in that awfully familiar pattern of denial? Why have you already lost your faith? Oh my dear.. but you are so young to have no faith! Have you no need to discover new beauties in life? Have you no need to loose yourself in New adventures?  No need to find a deeper meaning in your seemingly meaningful life? are you forever gonna live in fear of pain? Are you forever gonna push people away? Are you forever gonna avoid happiness in fear of sadness. Why.. don't you understand?  It's sadness that bring a joy!  Yes.. it's those years of sadness that constrict your throat and you can't speak, that make tears of happiness so much more exciting! ! It's those little moments that you are now letting pass you by that you will remember.. it's those looks that you exchange with that special someone.. it's that touch her or his touch that leaves your skin tingling.. the butterflies in your tummie when you lay your eyes on her or him.. those words reverberating in your head that put a smile on your lips.. oh that wonderful prospect of a new beginning.. those are the moments that are worth you while.. And if pain follows.. may it follow.. it's a lesson, not wasted time.. it's a memory not a mistake.. it's a choice that made you not a choice you made.. how can you close the door to love? How can you deny it from your life?  It gives you something to hold onto. Something to fight for. It brightens your dark days up.. lights up the shadows. Is it better to come home to an empty bed every night? Is it better to have no one to share your deepest fears a with? Is it better to let that feeling of loneliness and numbness seep in to your soul? Will you forever fill up the void, avoiding what you really want, with everyday tasks, with friends, with work, hobbies?  No! You have to live dear. Let go of that mistrust.  It's eating you up. You're going to miss out on every endearing moment of your life.. you aee going to hurt so many people you love.. sweetie don't you see? You are gonna hurt yourself more than anything.. because all you will ever know.. Is loss.. pushing everyone away.. punishing them for others mistakes.. hurting others cause you.. you are the one in pain..people, no matter how persistent or loving they are, are going to leave if you keep pushing them away..
You need to learn to loose yourself in them, not for them.. you need to learn to let go of the past and embrace the future...because it will pass you by in the blink of an eye.. until all you have in life is regret.. regret for what you lost before you even gain it.. and that is the most painful ending of all.. the what ifs that cut into you like knives.. the maybes that are like salt in your wounds.. those are the only regrets yo should have.. those are the only mistakes you have made.. not staying,  but passing by.. and that is what is going to hunt you until you loose your mind.. and that my sweetest is not a story worth telling.. and I.. I want to have a story worth telling.. I want to be brave enough to laugh at my mistakes,  be brave enough to be thankful for my hardships and the lesson I was taught from them.. I wanna be brave enough  to smile at my tears and I want to be able to say I was brave enough to do what I really wanted in my life.. for that will be my greatest accomplishment of all.. living my life to the fullest.. embracing my fears, overcoming them, instead of hiding in the corner..
Yes.. It hurts to lose, it's awful to feel  you have no control, but you have no control over life anyway.. so embrace it and work with it.. walk around the ditches, climb back up if you fall.. claw your way up if need be.. but don't for a moment think that you are doing well standing still.. don't for a moment think you are cheating pain, cheating life.. you are avoiding the simply unavoidable! The only difference is you have nothing to be proud of no Good memories to hang onto when the pain comes.. you just have the knowledge that, that something good that was banging on your door, the door you nailed shut is now somewhere else.. oh so far away from you.. out of your reach forever.. regret? Yes.. it's seeping from every pore in your body.. I hope it doesn't hurt forever.. but I'm scared.. I think it will..
So do a favour to your mangled heart and take a fucking leap of faith, take a freaking chance before it is too late.. Are you trying to patch your wounds up or leave them bleeding while taking the knife in your own hands and opening more? You are already starting to miss out on the meaning of life.. you have already lost thinking you gained. And you are about to loose so much more. So take caution. Take notice. Life may be a big test.. but if you fail.. you don't get a second chance at it..
So baby my advice?  Hurt and live to watch every new dawn, or hurt in vain afraid of the next sundown.. missing out on everything beautiful twilight in between.. see the ugliness to appreciate the beauty.. feel the loss to know what love means.. then and only then will you be able to say you have truly lived.. go mad for what you want in every aspect of your life.. don't think.. act on what you want even if you regret it later.. it's better to try and fail than not to try at all!!

Gravity

After all these years, after all this time..You are still on my freaking mind. The ghost of you, haunting every little corner of my fucked up mind once again. I couldn't sleep last night because of you. I wish I could tell you that. I wish you were here once again however wishing is not gonna do the trick. I'm walking on the road. It's raining so heavy but for some reason I'm happy. I remember that one time we were outside while it was raining and you were so cold. Your lips had a deep purple color as if you were dead. You were shaking and I had no jacket to give you. So I gave you my sweater. I didn't care about me at all. Everything I've ever done was for your good. You were cozy inside that sweater and I had fever after a few days but I was happy. You hugged me and thanked me. Smiled at me. I wish I could remember your smile. The only thing I have left is the mark that smile left on me. I lit up my cigarette and  kept on walking through the heavy rain. The wind was howling like a wolf and blowing my hair back, messing them up. After some time I stepped in the cafeteria we used to hang out for a drink. Usually I search for you every time I come but it has been 2 years now and I gave up. I sat down and ordered a french coffee with hazelnut flavor. This coffee always reminds me of you. I could almost feel you being next to me, talking to me. Who am I kidding, I thought as I sipped my coffee. I was alone. I rolled and puffed another cigarette. I exhaled and watched the smoke flying high. I lower my head as I hear the little bell on the cafeteria door ringing. It was you. I was shocked. Time froze again, like the first time I ever laid my eyes on you. Everything went slow-mo suddenly. My heart was beating fast, so fast I though I was gonna explode. My chest was heavy, heavy from the things I wanted to tell you all these years. I felt your gravity pulling me towards you again. I missed that gravitational pull you had on me. However, I knew that I could not come near you. I am stronger than before. Stronger than the last time we spoke. The last time you killed me. I was reborn or at least I thought so until you looked at me. Those fucking eyes of your's. Those black eyes could swallow stars and galaxies. What hope did I have? When you stared inside my soul. You smiled at me, like you knew what you have done. The damage that stare caused. You sat at the table right next to me. The cafeteria was empty and you chose to sit next to me. Oh the mind games. It's on missy, I thought and smiled back at her. My cigarette had burnt itself up. I tried to roll another one but my hands were shaking. I couldn't control my self. What the hell are you doing Nick? Stop being weak, she has no power over you, not anymore. I was proven wrong one second later, when she came and sat on my table. I couldn't feel my legs. I was numb all of the sudden. She said hi and I couldn't even speak. I swallowed that lump in my throat and asked her how she was. I was watching every move she made closely. I was still loving her more than everything but I couldn't trust her. So many questions in my mind. What the hell she wants? Is this another devious trap? As I stared right into her eyes I saw all the pain I have caused. She was missing me like hell too but she couldn't say it out loud. How could she? She had a new boyfriend now but I could see the pain. I was the one who knew her better than anyone. I could see every feeling she had inside her heart just by looking in her eyes. No gravity, no traps, just regret pain and love. I didn't say anything. It wouldn't matter anyway. What is done, is done. No restarts and rewinds. Life is not a game unfortunately. We talked a little, she told me she was studying psychology and I told he I was going to England to study law. She was happy about me but for some reason I hated the fact she was happy. I wanted to tell me that she wants me to stay here. I wanted her to tell me that she missed me. I was angry and selfish but that's love. I stood up ready to leave with my cigarette on my mouth. She stood up too and with a sudden move she took the cigarette off my mouth and threw it on the floor and she hugged me. She hugged harder than ever. Harder than when we were together. My body was filled with her feelings through a hug. The thing is that....I suddenly went empty. I didn't hugged her back. I just patted her shoulder and looked at her. Her eyes were different. She was like the first time she saw me. I was confused. Her eyes were yelling: ''I'm in love with you''! Until we meet again I said and left. My body was numb. Why the hell I didn't hug her? What is wrong with me? I know I love her and still I rejected her hug. I rolled another cigarette to think about all these and stop panicking. It was still raining. I stopped and closed my eyes. I wanted to get lost into my feelings. Unfortunately.....I woke up.

 I found myself  trying to form your image for one more time. It has been so hard to live without you...All these years, trying to feel something for someone. Trying to fake smiles and feelings. It has been so long since the last time I saw your face, your curly hair, your beautiful smile and that body of your's. All that I can see is a faded image of you....Distorted and broken in pieces. I'm good at puzzles though, also this is a puzzle I need to fix again. I got bored of feeling empty. I got sick of feeling a big void inside my chest. A hole which is dark and consumes my feelings everyday. A hole that you created.....but it's alright.

After all, you are the one for me. You always was and you will always be.

 I'm still trying to fabricate you into reality, make you mine again and once more I fail. I cant remember your face, I cant recall the sound of your voice anymore. I'm afraid that you will fade away and the hole will become even bigger. Please don't give up on me, I say as my soul starts shaking. I take some big breaths and relax. I need you to come back darling. I miss you. This madness, this darkness, this love of your's.

I am lost without you, you should know that by now. I guess that you don't care about that after all.

Are you still there? It seems that I cant remember you so please for the love of god....

Remember Me.

..and the story continues

Reality hit hard, now she back home. she crashed and burnt in scolding flames as she realised the mess she made of things.. the pain she caused, cause she was in pain. The bubble burst with a loud 'puff' as she slowly came to terms with mistakes she has made. Flashbacks of shameful drunken angry bursts at everyone who spoke to her came to her mind. She closed her eyes and wished the images to be a lie. But they were real, and it was time to face the consequences of her actions. Making amends one by one for the people she lost in the fires of the hell she was in. The numbness slowly subsided, like waking up from deep slumber or the affect of painkillers fading slowly returning the feelings back to her body. A complicated jumble of feelings and memories and people.. her head was buzzing with an overload of information.. one by one she tried to rebuild the bridges she burnt. It was hard labour. Some people were still stubbornly there in her life no matter what she said to them in the past. Her best friend for example, that girl was an angel in disguise, her own guardian angel, she always managed to pull her back up to the surface just when she felt she had no breath left. That girl, she owed so much to. How could she ever begin to repay her? That girl..she could never imagine a life without her in it. The only one who could ever accept her for all her flaws , even when there were so many.. who would put up with her tantrums and bursts of anger. She forgave her at once for her unjust behaviour and for that she was ever so grateful.
Other people who drifted and left from her life she was thankful for. As this was a year of many revelations, many didn't deserve to be there in the first place. Back stabbing friends and lying lovers. There were oh-so-few left with a place in her life and her heart. Friends that became best friends, friends that were far away maybe in another country but we're there to cheer her up and console her making it seem as if they never left. And for others she felt sorry, for those who met her at her worst of moments in life, for those she gave hope to in vain, and hurt for she was pain, for those she let fall in love with her thinking she may feel the same, but pushed away when she didn't. Regret set in her heart for them who got caught in the crossfire.
And then there was 'him'. That one special person somewhere in between being a friend and something more who was neither in her life nor out of it. A phantom that every now and again hunted her mind leaving her restless. Although she had no idea how she felt for him at this point, she new she cared for him. He was one of those people, who no matter how much times goes by or how long you haven't spoke to them for every time you see them it's like not a day hasn't gone by. You can talk and laugh and be stupid as if it was only yesterday you last saw them. And they did. And she missed that. As he was one of the few who knew her so well. And she looked at him and saw a version of herself long lost, a version she was desperately trying to hold on to. And she clung to that even though it's wasn't him she was really trying to cling to she did, trying to be her same old self. But the anger she had pent up in her, the disgust she felt for herself, the self respect that was long lost.. all those fucked up feelings created inside her made her twist a lot of things in her mind. She twisted him and what he offered,  desperately trying to get that anger out, she pinned it all on him, found the excuse she was looking for, and turned it around to make it his fault and she took it out on him, and she made him her punching bag, and she spoke to him so badly filling him up with lies in one of her drunken stupors going crazy out of rage that in reality was not directed at him, and as that night went on and she drank her anger in shots of vodka, and that anger swelled up as they put their filthy hands on her and pulled her closer, and she pushed herself away, desperate, feeling cheaper by the minute, she burst, going crazy, literally crazy at him God knows with what excuse just to make herself feel better. And it worked, for the smallest of moments it worked, blaming someone else, him, for her own mistakes actually worked. She felt relieved. Until the buzz wore of and it all came crashing back the next morning. The moment she realised she lost a person who no matter what was there in a way, whom she'd fought with so many times in the past but managed to never truly say goodbye to despite the time they spent apart and all the fights and all the things she said to him. She had just managed to make him despise her and she had just managed to lose him for good. And at first she thought it better, but he haunted her dreams.. left her restless.. she couldn't let it go.. there was a constant nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach that didn't let her find the peace she needed. But she couldn't find the way to make up for her mistakes,  She couldn't find the way to talk to him, she couldn't find the way to let him know the reasons for her outbursts. And she tried to let it go and pushed it to the furthest corner of her mind but it kept coming back. And she needed to apologize and she needed to make him understand, and she needed to talk to him in person and for once be truthful about her own mistakes instead of blaming him for his. But she couldn't find the way and he would never want to hear it after all she had blamed him for, after all the things she said to him.
He was the only amend she was unable to make so far. One of her biggest regrets was taking it out on him after taking it out on her closest of friends.
A routine was setting in, things were slowly falling back into place for her, winter was setting in, the weather getting colder as her heart was getting warmer once again. Shameful images and bad memories were fading tough still haunting her for what she let herself become. She fought to resurface  against the currents that were pulling her down.She hoped now only for forgiveness for those she lost faith in and who lost faith in her, to gain back their respect as she learned once again to respect herself.
And the story continues as one chapter finished and another begins.

One Last Smile

Every male has a dream girl in his mind. For some people this girl is really hot, with a perfect body and shit like that. For me on the other hand...Its something else...Something simple. They say that the perfect human does not exist. They are wrong.. A special somebody can be perfect from your point of view.  Sometimes this perfect somebody might be broken/ fucked up/scarred for ever. She might have anxiety problems and sometimes can be really childish but how cute is that, right?

I think you get the point.. The thing is that dreams, usually don't come true, 99% sure about this.  Dreams can be scary. Dreams can be turned into nightmares. Sometimes you wont chase that dream becauze you are scared. I was scared too. That didn't go too good.My dream turned into a fucking nightmare and then into a big freaking joke, mocking and laughing at me. All these because I was too afraid to go and say 3 simple words: I – Like-You.  Sometimes i hate myself for being so pessimistic, even though i never actually admitted that.I like to consider myself an optimist but that’s just a big big lie. Dreams can’t be chased. Dreams will always be dreams. Coming to your sleep every single night, showing you the day that time stopped. Showing you her eyes in fucking slow-mo and then boom, a third person shot of you trying to say something.. You know nothing is going to change but you cant help yourself. You need to think about her, even though she doesn’t give a single fuck. Even though you are not that importan to her. Every single night wondering... What if? What if I was strong enough to kiss her without a warning. What if.... This question haunting the back of your mind, leaving you with no sleep.

All of these negative feelings can be erased if you see her. One more time. Just a fade smile. That’s all you need. Not gonna get it though and you fucking know it. Hoping for a miracle wont work too...Especially if you don't believe in god. More questions showing up every night...What have i done wrong. Don't I deserve a good and kind-hearted person like her? Am I a bad person? Do i really deserve someone in my life? Questions that make you cold and empty inside...Day by day..Night by night...Mixed feelings for everything. Sadness and happiness at the same time, driving you crazy as hell. However you are addicted to it. Addicted to her, her smile, her every move. In the end everything is going to get better. After all we are humans... We kill feelings, we recycle old ones, we feel empty and then full and that’s the true point of all these. Everything is going to be alright in the end, maybe.....

Love can sometimes be magic but magic can sometimes be an illusion

time to leave..

It was another night like all the rest.. she was still in bed, staring at the ceiling. She looked at the clock.. It was time to get ready for work.. She slowly rose from the bed and made her way to the bathroom.. The water was blistering hot, she let it run along with her tears.. The steam made it hard for her to breath as she madly scrubbed her naked body trying to wash away the shame, the embarrassment, the guilt.. she closed her eyes trying to block out the images, shook her head turned off the water.. she cleaned the foggy mirror and looked at her reflection.. two sad green eyes looked back at her.. her face was a mask of sadness.. she shook her head again as if to shake away the sadness and returned to her room to get ready.. she started off the same old rituals of getting ready for work.. her friend and roommate sat on the bed blabbering along while she smiled and laughed at all the right moments pretending to pay attention as her words were like white noise to her ears..she was still hiding her silent tears.. she put on her clothes and her very high heels and looks into the mirror again.. Make up and pretty clothes could only hide the flaws of her appearance though.. not the emptiness of her soul.. Tears swelled up as she stared at herself without recognising what she saw anymore.. She closed the door behind her and made her way to her silent endless torture.. 

And the night went on.. And she heard the same old lines, she saw the same looks.. those looks, like she was on showcase, as they stripped her down with their eyes, and smiled their obnoxious hideous dirty smiles.. and she felt their hands on her back, going lower, and she smiled and she laughed as she tried to move their hands with caution, and she bit her lip to fight away the overwhelming shame, for what she had become.. and she drank trying to dim those feelings, needing the buzz.. and they went on talking and touching and smiling and flirting and she sat silent feeling.. numb.. she felt numb.. as if nothing and no one could get to her anymore.. 

And she sat there contemplating her life.. everyone had given up on her anyway.. no one had stayed in her life but her family and very few friends who were slowly drifting away.. no one had loved her as she was no longer lovable.. that's how she felt.. unlovable.. and unable to love again as her feelings for previous romances had dimmed and faded into time.. she had tried to fall in love again with no luck.. she had even tried to rekindle old flames desperately trying to feel what she felt then..but no matter how hard she tried she still felt nothing for him.. all she could feel was worthless, alone and lonely, a burden.. she had no home if she left, no one to lean on..she had been swallowed up by this reality.. as if she had lost everyone and everything along the way.. she just wanted to get as far away from this reality as possible.. but she just kept running into a wall.. she watched her dreams get further away but stubbornly pulled them closer.. she refused to let go of the only thing holding her together, her goals.. her goals of making something out of herself,,

And she went home to a dark house and a cold bed.. lying on her back she closed her eyes an breathed out.. now she could let go of the smiling facade she put on every night and emotionally exhausted let the tears flow freely while she drifted off into the usual restless slumber..until it was time to wake up and face the same every day, again and again.. 

That's how the days went by.. even at home surrounded by family and friends she couldn't shake off the feeling worthlessness.. defence mechanisms kicked in as she snapped at anything they said, feeling like she had already lost them.. 

It was time for her to leave all of this behind.. she needed to get back up from the pit she had fallen into.. time to get away, far away.. who would miss her now anyway? she'd burnt one too many bridges already.. It was time to leave.. time to get away..

What if?

Love, hate, sadness, anger, envy, jealousy. Are they real or or are these feelings illusions that our small puny minds want to desperately believe? In order to be alive, in order to feel that you exist, that you belong somewhere. Soulmates and enemies. The feeling that out there somewhere, there is somebody for us. Waiting.....Craving our souls...Ready to change our lives...or destroy them. Everyone percieves feelings differently...In our own way. We always trying to block negative feelings, feel more optimistic. Do we really need optimism in our lives though? Do we need motivation to do simple everyday tasks, like work or exercise? Is everyone guilty or innocent? Maybe both...Maybe none of the above. Maybe everything, maybe nothing at all. I always believed that feelings are making us feel safe and unsafe at the same time. Making us feel happy and sad. Which is the greatest power in the whole universe? What can give you everything and then take them away from you? What can make you feel powerful at first and vulnerable as hell in the end? What can make mountains move?

The answer is...Love..Love can do all these things and even more. What if our love is hate for someone else? What if hate is love and love is hate? What is the difference between love and hate? If love can move mountains, hate can crush them. Do we feel hate when we see someone we love leaving us or is it love? Do we resent them or do we miss them? Whose fault is it? Does it really matter? Which one of all the bridges we burned in our way to love was the right one? Maybe it was the first one...the second one...maybe none..... Will we ever know..? I guess not. Can we live with that..? I guess so. Is the last time really the last time? Will there be ever another one? Are we going to travel to the stars or are we going to get burned on our way there? Do we deserve to get burned or do we want to get burned?  Why do we feel so small sometimes? Are we really small? Maybe...Maybe not.... So many questions...So little time..I guess that's what I get for not sleeping 4 days in a row. Paranoia at its finest. Overthinking every single thing. Every little detail. Everything is relevant and everything is irrelevant. Important and not important at all. Everything and nothing...An empty hole and a full moon. Maybe if we forget what we were told....Maybe we could live life easier..Without trouble and sadness, from another point of view..A brighter one, So bright that it could burn the whole world. What if we could see things differently..What if we could see through people? Would we be afraid, terrified, scared or happy? Why would we be afraid though? Everyone would be crystal clear..No lies, no secrets. A curse and a gift combined together. A world of honesty or a world of ignorance? What if balance did not exist? What if we could turn back time? What if we could fix our mistakes? I would definitely do that... Fix everything and everyone..Save the people I once loved...Save myself.....Time is the most valuable gift...You can produce money, fruits and everything you can imagine but you cant produce more time for yourself. Every second counts. Every little thing, every choice you make has an impact to your future self and future events. Butterfly effect they call it. Such a nice name for such a cruel theory.

I guess it's too late to turn back time. Too late to save them. Too late to save me. Nothing is stable in life. Everything comes and goes. Personalities changing in seconds, people going crazy over nothing and over everything. Over emptiness/over fullness. Desolation and exhaustion. Happiness and euphoria. Moving and not moving at all. Pride, ego and insolence. Reality and fantasy.

Life. The place where everything and nothing counts. Where the past, the present and the future collide. The place where there is no darkness but everything is dark. What is dark anyway.....The absence of light... So scary and not scary at all.... What if there was enough light for everyone.

What if we were happy everyday?

Όνειρα ή Στόχοι;

Ποτέ δεν κατάλαβα τι ακριβώς είναι να έχεις όνειρα. Να έχεις όνειρα  έλεγαν, να διαβάσεις για να τα κάνεις πραγματικότητα. Μα δεν υποτίθεται οτι τα όνειρα δεν είναι πραγματικά; Δεν υποτίθεται πως μένουν για πάντα ανεκπλήρωτα; Για αυτό δεν λέγονται όνειρα; Αν ήταν έτσι θα τα λέγαμε στόχους ή μήπως κάνω λάθος; Αυτή η ελληνική ιδεολογία του δούλευε μπάς και ζήσεις και ζήσε για να δουλεύεις με είχε δηλητιριάσει αρκετά μπορώ να πώ μέχρι που άρχισα την προετοιμασία της νομικής και κατάλαβα πως δεν υπάρχουν όνειρα. Υπάρχουν στόχοι. Η λέξη όνειρο χρησιμοποιείται ως τρόπος αποφυγής να κάνεις αυτό που πραγματικά θέλεις και τόσο καιρό φοβάσαι. Δεν γίνομαι επιθετικός μιας που και εγώ όνειρα τα έλεγα και εγώ ήμουν τρομαγμένος. Καινούρια χώρα, καινούρια ζωή, διαφορετική γλώσσα που όσο καλά και να ξέρεις ποτέ δεν θα την χρησιμοποιείς με την ίδια ευκολία, το άγχος των εξετάσεων και η αβεβαιότητα για το μέλλον. Όχι μόνο φοβόμουν, έτρεμα. Αλλά όπως είπα και πριν: Never give up ρε γαμώ. Γιατί; Γιατί έτσι. Γιατί μπορείς και θα το κάνεις. Γιατί οχι;

Ό καθένας έχει διαφορετικούς στόχους η όνειρα στην ζωή του αλλά όλα συναντιούνται σε ένα κοινό σημείο. Το σημείο αυτό πάντα το φανταζόμουν σαν μια μικρή κούκλα απο το SAW να με ρωτάει: Do you want to play a game? Σε αυτό το σημείο έρχονται άνθρωποι κάθε μέρα σε ολόκληρο τον πλανήτη. Imagine that.... Στοιχηματίζω πως δεν το είχες σκεφτεί ποτέ έτσι. Αν το είχες σκεφτεί τοτε καλως ήρθες στο κλάμπ της υπερ-ανάλυσης. Πίσω στο θέμα μας. Όταν έρθει ο καιρός για να απαντήσεις, σκέψου καλά. Αν είσαι λιγουλάααακι υπερ αναλυτικός σαν εμένα κάτσε σκέψου όλες τις πιθανότητες που μπορει το μυαλό σου να σκεφτεί, τα ρίσκα, τα υπέρ και τα κατά και κάθε πιθανό σενάριο που μπορεί να εκτυλιχθεί στις άπειρες παράλληλες διαστάσεις. Αν είσαι νορμάλ απλά σκέψου και ρώτα τον εαυτό σου. Αξίζει να είσαι στάσημος; Αξίζει να μην πέρνεις πρωτοβουλίες; Αξίζει να φοβάσαι; Να φοβάσαι το διάβασμα, την προσπάθεια, την σκληρή δουλειά; Αξίζει να μένεις εκεί απλά επειδή θέλεις να βγείς για καφέ αντι να πάς παραδείγματος χάρη στο γυμναστήριο ή κάπου αλλού; Γιατί να φοβάσαι την κούραση ενώ στο τέλος του δρόμου ίσως να βρίσκεται η ζωή που πάντα ονειρευόσουν;

 Και αν αποτύχω; Αυτή θα ήταν 100% η ερώτηση άμα μπορούσες να μου μιλήσεις και να ρωτήσεις πως μπορώ και αραδιάζω τέτοιες ασυναρτησίες χωρίς να ξέρω. Και αν αποτύχεις τι; Τι έγινε; Εκτος και άν είσαι ο πρόεδρος των ΗΠΑ και σου είπαν να μην πατήσεις αυτό το μεγάλο κόκκινο κουμπί και τελικά απέτυχες, τότε δεν έχεις πρόβλημα. Προφανώς και δεν θέλω να υπονομεύσω τους στόχους σου. Γιατί για σένα ο στόχος που έχεις ίσως να φαίνεται σαν το παραπάνω σενάριο και αυτό ακριβώς θέλω να θήξω. Δεν είναι έτσι. Έτσι φαίνεται. Φαίνεται έτσι γιατί υπάρχει στην μέση ο φόβος. Το θέμα είναι αν θα αφήσεις τον φόβο να νικήσει και να πνίξει άλλο ενα δικό σου όνειρο. Άλλο ένα πράγμα που κάνεις δεν παραδέχεται ποτέ είναι πως όλοι είχαμε μια ευκαιρία και ποτέ δεν κάναμε τίποτα λόγω του φόβου μας. Απο το πιο μικρό μέχρι το πιο μεγάλο. Απο το να μιλήσεις σε κάποιον που γούσταρες μέχρι και να απορρίψεις μια δουλειά. Απο  μια άλλη οπτική γωνία όμως, ο φόβος που πνίγει ελπίδες και όνειρα, ό φόβος που παραλύει το σώμα σου τόσο εύκολα, μπορεί απλά να ελεγχθεί και να είσαι εσύ στην άλλη άκρη. Να είσαι εσύ αυτος που πνίγει τον φόβο του και φέρνει στην επιφάνεια ό,τι του έχει κλέψει ο φόβος. Δύσκολο ακούγεται. Είναι όμως; Είναι τόσο δύσκολο; Να πιστέψεις σε εσένα; Να πιστέψεις πως ο άνθρωπος και συγκεκριμένα εσύ έχει την δύναμη να γίνει κάτι καλύτερο; Είναι τόσο δύσκολο να πιστέψεις πως αξίζεις κάτι καλύτερο; Hm...... I dont think so.... Η διαφορά που ξεχωρίζει τον καλό απο τον καλύτερο, είναι πως όταν και οι 2 φτάνουν σε ένα όριο ο ένας θα σκεφτεί πως αυτό είναι το όριο μου και ο δεύτερος απλά θα χαμογελάσει και απλα θα σκεφτεί πως το πραγματικό παιχνίδι τώρα αρχίζει. Τα όρια είναι απλά φανταστικοί τοίχοι που εμείς οι ίδιοι δημιουργήσαμε. Για να δείξουμε πόσο άνθρωποι είμαστε, πόσο ευάλωτοι και εύθραυστοι. Ο δημιουργός έχει μεγαλύτερη δύναμη απο το δημιούργημα, ποτέ το αντίστροφο. Η αποτυχία είναι ένα ακόμη βήμα στο να γίνεις καλύτερος, είναι μια ακόμη κίνηση που έχεις στο μυαλό σου, ένα λάθος προς αποφύγη την επόμενη φορά. Μετά απο πολλές αποτυχίες, την στιγμή που απλά θέλεις να πεις...Βαρέθηκα, σιχάθηκα, τα παρατάω και η ερώτηση ξαναέρθει και σε ρωτήσει αν θέλεις να προσπαθήσεις ξανά....Σκέψου... Πόσες κινήσεις ξέρεις; Πόσα λάθη θα αποφύγεις αυτή την φορά: Πόσο πιο ώριμος/η είσαι απο την προηγούμενη φορά; Πόσο πιο εύκολο........ Σαν να παλεύεις με έναν εχθρό που κάνει τις ίδιες κινήσεις. Έναν εχθρό που έχεις μελετήσει τόσο πολύ που δεν υπάρχει η παραμικρή πληροφορία σχετικά με αυτόν που να μην ξέρεις. Έναν εχθρο που απλά θα σπάσει μπροστά σου χωρις καν να τον χτυπήσεις. Και αναρωτιέμαι ξανά....Είναι τόσο δύσκολο όσο ακούγεται;

ΗΜΜΜΜΜΜΜΜΜΜΜ..............

Μια καινούρια αρχή

Όλοι περνάμε δυσκολίες. Κάπιοι μένουν κολλημένοι στο παρελθόν και άλλοι αποφασίζουν πως έφτασε η στιγμή επιτέλους να το αφήσουν πίσω τους. Μπορεί να ακούγεται εύκολο αλλά δεν είναι.
Συγκεκριμένα για μένα ίσως να είναι ότι πιο ψυχοφθόρο έχω κάνει τα τελευταία 5 χρόνια, 5 χρόνια γεμάτα αναμνήσεις και στιγμές, άσχημες, όμορφες, χαζές και μερικές φορές γεμάτες ψέμα. Όλες αυτές οι στιγμές όμως με έκαναν αυτό που είμαι σήμερα. Ίσως αυτό που είμαι να είναι κακό, ίσως και όχι. Το μόνο σίγουρο όμως είναι πως είμαι άνθρωπος, που μια στο τόσο στεναχωριέμαι.

Τον τελευταίο χρόνο διάβαζα σκληρά για να προετοιμαστώ. Λόγω κάποιων εξωτερικών ερεθισμάτων και πιο πολύ κάποιων εσωτερικών, όπως το όνειρο μου να γίνω δικηγόρος, αποφάσισα να γραφτώ σε ένα πρόγραμμα προετοιμασίας για την Αγγλία. Με τα πολλά, πολλά κατάφερα να περάσω στο πανεπηστίμιο που ήθελα και επιτέλους ήμουν χαρούμενος. Οχι επειδή θα φύγω, κανείς δεν θέλει να φύγει απο την χώρα του όσο και να μην ταιριάζει με την ιδεολογία της αλλά επειδή υπάρχουν πράγματα που απελπισμένα θέλω να αφήσω πίσω μου και τι καλύτερο απο μια αλλάγη χώρας. Dont get me wrong, προφανώς και δεν είναι αυτός ο κύριος λόγος που το άρχισα όλο αυτό. Δεν βασίζεις ένα όνειρο πάνω σε αναμνήσεις. Πόσο μάλλον αν αυτές είναι άσχημες. Απλά αυτό ήταν ένας παραπάνω λόγος να προσπαθήσω πιο σκληρά απο ότι θα προσπαθούσα αρχικά. Τώρα θα μου πείς...Γιατί είσαι ακόμα κολλημένος μετά απο 3 χρόνια στις κακές αναμνήσεις. Well...Είναι αρκετά δύσκολο να λείπουν άτομα απο την ζωή σου που χωρίς αυτά δεν θα μπορούσες να φανταστείς την ζωή σου. Πάντα μου την έδινε λιγάκι η ανθρώπινη φύση. Σε μια φάση της ζωής σου θα δεθέις με κάποια άτομα και θα νιώθεις πως χωρίς αυτά δεν είσαι τίποτα. Στην δεύτερη φάση τελικά φεύγουν και σε αφήνουν να αναρωτιέσαι ποια η αξία της ζωής και μετά μπαίνει στο παιχνίδι η ψυχολογία και το άρνηση/αποδοχή. Βέβαια μέχρι την αποδοχή υπάρχουν και άλλα βήματα αλλά εν τέλει φτάνεις εκεί που θέλεις. Ο καθένας τα περνάει διαφορετικά και σίγουρα όλοι θα το περάσουν. Τα πάντα είναι ρευστά ακομα και ο ίδιος μας ο εαυτός.

Πριν με πείς αρνητικό και πεσιμιστή να υπερασπιστώ τον εαυτό μου λέγοντας πως είμαι ρεαλιστής (ότι λέει κάθε πεσιμιστής ever) και πως ισχύει. Ο χειρότερος εχθρός μας συνήθως είναι το χαζό μυαλό που απλά δεν θέλει να αφήσει πράγματα. Αφήστε την καρδιά ήσυχη, δεν φταίει σε τίποτα. Το μεγάλο μάστερπλαν του μυαλού την έδεσε σε μια πλεκτάνη. Για να αποδεχθείς τα πράγματα τελικώς, πρέπει να ξεφύγεις απο την βαρύτητα μιας μαύρης τρύπας. Πιστεύω  όλοι έχουμε μια τέτοια, έρχεται σε διαφορετικές μορφές και κάποιες απο αυτές σε τραβάνε λιγότερο η περισσοτερο μέσα τους. Υπάρχει και το άλλο σενάριο που απλά αφήνεσαι μέσα τους και τα παρατάς (αισιοδοξία incoming), ΕΙΝΑΙ ΟΜΩΣ ΣΩΣΤΟ ΝΑ ΤΑ ΠΑΡΑΤΑΜΕ? Όοοοοχι βέβαια! Κάπου εκεί μπαίνει το εγωιστικό κομμάτι που σε κάνει να νιώθεις νευριασμένος/η ακόμα και για την γάτα που δεν κάθεται σωστά. Έτσι είναι η αποδοχή πιστεύω...Νευριασμένη. Νευριασμένη για όλα τα χρόνια που πήγαν χαμένα μέσα σε αυτή την τρύπα. Για όλα αυτά τα βράδια του χαμένου ύπνου, της στεναχώριας και της τρέλας. Για όλα αυτά τα βράδια που κοιτούσες το ταβάνι και του μιλούσες, λές και θα απαντούσε. Άρχες σχιζοφρένειας λέγεται αυτό φίλε/φίλη αναγνώστη/ια. Όλοι το έχουμε, κανείς δεν το παραδέχεται. Άλλοι μιλάνε στο ταβάνι, άλλοι στην τηλεόραση και άλλοι γράφουνε σε μπλόγκ και κάνουν και όλα τα προηγούμενα.
 
Η αποδοχή όμως αργότερα γίνεται ίσως απο τα πιο ομορφότερα συναισθήματα κατα την γνώμη μου. Αυτό το συναίσθημα της ελευθερίας, της ψυχικής ελευθερίας, της ανωτερώτητας, της λέξης επιτέλους είμαι καλά. Νιώθεις πως μπορείς να ανέβεις κάπου ψηλά και να βγάλεις λόγο για παγκόσμια ειρήνη και άλλα τέτοια ουτοπικά. Το πόιντ όμως είναι πως έτσι νιώθεις και ως γνωστόν ό,τι νιώθεις αντικατροπτίζεται προς τα έξω. Αυτοπεποίθηση και τα μυαλά στα κάγκελα με λίγα λόγια. Κάπου εδώ ξέρεις πως όλα θα πάνε καλά και αρχίζεις να προετοιμάζεσαι για τα επόμενα άσχημα που θα σε γονατίσουν. Η κλισέ φράση: Δεν μετράει πόσες φορές θα πέσεις αρκεί να σηκώνεσαι, μπορεί να είναι overused μέχρι αηδίας και να ακούγεται παντού αλλά είναι αρκετά αληθινή. Έτσι και εγώ έφτασα σήμερα...μετά απο 3μιση χρόνια να αποδεχθώ ό,τι έγινε και να προχωρήσω. Να βγώ απο την δικιά μου "κακιά" βαρύτητα που με κρατούσε κάτω και να την κοιτάξω με χαμόγελο σαν να μην έγινε τίποτα. Να την συγχωρήσω και να πώ εις το επανιδείν. Όταν μια πόρτα κλείνει, μια άλλη ανοίγει και η δικιά μου καινούρια πόρτα είναι ανοιχτή εδώ και καιρό και περιμένει να μπώ μέσα και να ανοιξω επιτέλους το φώς.

Science or philosophy?

Building our life around our cultural beliefs and mainstream ideas, we all like the romanticised ideas of love and life.. Everyone likes the concept of unconditional romantic love, love at fist sight, those deep feelings only getting stronger as time goes on, soul mates, fate.. What is love in reality..? A simple secretion of hormones in our brain.. The release of neurotransmitters that we translate as "love".. A necessary process for our species to survive.. The first stage of love is solely connected to our sex drive, oestrogen and testosterone are released, sex hormones which make us lust for someone.. Then neurotransmitters, adrenalin dopamine and serotonin are released.. Our palms sweating, our heart beating faster, the dry mouth are all caused by the increased level of stress which increase your blood level of cortisol and adrenalin.. Elevated levels of dopamine give you that feeling of pleasure, lessen the need for sleep and food..it actually has the same affect on the brain as having taken cocaine.. Serotonin, is what makes us think of the object of our affection non-stop.. Serotonin levels in newly love struck couples are eqiuivalent to low serotonin levels in OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) patients..As time goes on the attachment gets stronger, this is due to oxytocine and vasopressin.. Oxytocine, also known as "the cuddle hormone" is released during orgasm which is why consummating a relationship makes a couple feel closer..Vasopresin which is released after a sexual encounter is the reason for that deep devotion.. That is love according to scientists, broken down to hormones and chemical releases  in the raphe nucleus, ventral pallidum, nucleus accumbens and ventral tegmental regions of the brain..
Even time is an artificial construct, made up in our mind and put together in our basal ganglia.. Sadness can be caused by a neuorochemical imbalance..
Although neuroscience doesn't begin to comprehend the complexity of the human mind, it gives simple explanations of how and why we do a lot of the things we do.. A rational explanation to explain our irrational behaviour linked to strong emotions.. Rationally, the pain of heartbreak is all psychosomatic, simply put, it's all in our brain.. Why do we cry when we are in distress? When our brain registers feelings of sadness the endocrine systems is triggered to release ocular hormones which cause tears to form..
Mind over matter, think you're sad and in pain and you will be, free your mind and think you're happy and you are? Maybe that's all you need to do.. Maybe instead of trying to explain the inexplicable human nature, thinking rationally is all that is needed..Maybe breaking it all down to scientific mumble is a better way to deal.. No need to look deeper into the feeling behind it, you just look a bit deeper into your cerebrum, your parietal, occipital or temporal lobe.. It's all a matter of perception, how you chose to perceive the world around you.. asking deep philosophical questions about reality, love and life, rationalising everything and looking for the science, artistically flowing your way through life asking nothing and learning everything.. After all as Edgar Allan Poe said " All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream".. Reality, present past and future, time itself, are just words we have made up, to describe something with no real substance.. If all we perceive is a dream within a dream, isn't it our choice to wake up or keep on dreaming according to the life we want to live? Perception is a matter of choice, so in the same sense, reality is also a matter of choice.. It's an abstract concept , to be interpreted as it suits oneself.. Abstract concepts that you will stumble upon in life whether you choose to or not, no matter how you choose to interpret love for example, you shall feel throughout your life, but how you react to it or live it, is up to you.. 
What is love..? Philosophically and romantically speaking, it's a liberating feeling of fulfilment that everyone is searching for.. A concept to abstract to explain or put in words, unmeasurable, we try to measure it with actions.. An individual experience to every individual.. It's a deep rooted feeling that may start in your brain but you "feel in your heart".. It may not always be an everlasting feeling though, so you should share while you have it, you should cherish it, not let it perish.. You cannot hope for a flower to bloom without the sun or water, so why do you expect love to grow without care and devotion? Ignorance and disinterest shall kill the prettiest flower, the deepest feelings.. 
The here and the now, as artificial as they might be are will we have.. Whether they are a construct of our mind or not, it's where we need to live and love.. Don't leave for tomorrow what you can do today, what you can love today.. Action may end up killing Love not proving it.. words can cut deeper wounds than weapons.. 
Philosophy or Science, however you choose to perceive life and feelings, the best you can do, is live it when it comes.. let death be natural, don't bring it upon yourself or feelings..

..it was a sweet story nonetheless

So, once upon a time,not so long ago,  there was a girl and there was a boy.. and they met, and they clicked, and maybe they even really fell in love, maybe they even loved each other at some point.. but the boy, he loved someone else more.. and the girl, she made all the wrong decisions, instead of walking away, she walked right into him..and when she did, she couldn't find her way out again..Maybe you could say that was the beginning of a fairy tale, it was a sweet story nonetheless.. The boy, he was cute as a button, he was so different from the "night in shining armour" she'd imagined, but he came sweeping in like a prince of one of those fairytales.. He said nice things, and acted sweet, that much he did, he had a way of saying things without speaking, not through actions necessarily, through..gestures expressions.. So different.. And the girl, she just fell head over heels.. Maybe he did too..when?? she didn't even know.. maybe it was gradual, maybe little by little he pulled her in, or maybe it was the first time she met him.. That remains a mystery to her..
So, the boy and the girl.. they got closer, they got to know each other, but not in a traditional way, they went back and forth from strangers to something more than friends again and again, but still
“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”
(― Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility )
and just a few weeks, or maybe a few months were enough for them to know each other well enough.. Intimacy came easily, comfortable silence, looks of affection, they all came so easily.. Easily enough for them not to think rationally anymore.. And that's when shit happened, and they got too close, to intimate, and that's when the boy had to make some hard choices, it was time for him to go, but the girl, she couldn't understand those choices, or the hardships he went through when he made them, at first, so she made mistakes, many of them, stuck in this endless circle of blame and anger.. She acted selfishly, she did that a lot for a long while, she tried to hold on, she tried to let go, she tried being angry and tried being forgiving.. she tried moving on.. She tried blaming him, which worked for a while.. until she saw her own mistakes reflected.. By the time he came back, they were both different people, but she still saw some affection in his eyes, surely more than some affection in her eyes.. maybe some of their mistakes had been forgiven.. But that lasted only for a little while, for the boy left again, this time she smiled at him when he left.. But those two, those two and their characters, such opposed characters yet so much the same,  they clashed again and again as they went, that must be when things started to fall completely apart, as they fought and they said things neither could take back.. more pieces broke off every time, until there was nothing more to brake, nothing more to lose.. It was a sweet story nonetheless..
They both knew what they had done wrong by now, though neither admitted it truly.. They both knew, that chance they had..? it was one in a million, and one in a million takes so much effort, effort they never put into it.. maybe it just wasn't meant to be.. The girl, she never managed.. to make him feel as she felt, she managed to make him fight.. The boy, he just chose to act as if he didn't care at all again and again.. Maybe he ended up not caring anyway..maybe it was her fault, maybe it was her faults, maybe it was him, maybe the both of them.. who knows.. who ever will..? neither tried all that hard that was for sure.. Somewhere along the way, maybe some feelings were lost, maybe they faded away in all their time apart.. Maybe they didn't have enough passion, maybe they didn't have enough love for each other.. or maybe just maybe they did.. who knows.. who ever will..?
Now there was nothing left to do..The boy.. he never forgave nor forgot her mistakes.. he blamed her.. the girl.. she blamed them both I guess.. torn between who was more at fault.. The truth? who knows..? who ever will..?
Now there was nothing left to do.. it was the end of the road you could say.. All the girl could do was say.. "sorry".. and quit.. all the boy could do.. was speak the truth and end it for good.. Once upon a time, not so long ago.. you could of said.. " you never know with these two, you never know".. now the time had probably come when you could know for sure.. the time had come, and there was nothing else to do, than say I'm sorry and goodbye.. even when distance was not between them anymore, even when the boy came back, the will to see the girl, the will to see the boy, maybe it was lost.. Maybe all that's left is ashes as the fire burned everything in it's way.. There was nothing left for the girl to say other than "thank you, for all the lesson, for all the memories, for all the moments" , there was nothing left for the boy to say than "I feel nothing no more, I'm sorry".. admittance of their mistakes, forgiveness of those mistakes, that was the only way now..Their story was unique that much was for sure.. Unique just like them..
It was a sweet story nonetheless, it was one in a million, maybe it could of even been  fairytale..!! who knows..? who ever will..?
The end?

..adversity..

I should have known it once again, there is no better way for me to speak then through my fingers.. I should have written from the start.. But I shall start ,not with my own words, but with words written a long time ago..

Can our love persist otherwise than through sacrifices, than by not demanding everything? Canst thou change it, that thou are not entirely mine, I not entirely thine? Oh, God, look into beautiful Nature and compose your mind to the inevitable. Love demands everything and is quite right, so it is for me with you, for you with me — only you forget so easily, that I must live for you and for me — were we quite united, you would notice this painful feeling as little as I should . . .
. . . We shall probably soon meet, even today I cannot communicate my remarks to you, which during these days I made about my life — were our hearts close together, I should probably not make any such remarks. My bosom is full, to tell you much — there are moments when I find that speech is nothing at all. Brighten up — remain my true and only treasure, my all, as I to you. The rest the gods must send, what must be for us and shall.

Even in bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved, here and there joyfully, then again sadly, awaiting from Fate, whether it will listen to us. Yes, I have determined to wander about for so long far away, until I can fly into your arms and call myself quite at home with you. You will get over it all the more as you know my faithfulness to you; never another one can own my heart, never — never! O God, why must one go away from what one loves so. Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest at the same time. At my actual age I should need some continuity, sameness of life — can that exist under our circumstances? Angel,  be calm — love me — today — yesterday.
What longing in tears for you — You — my Life — my All — farewell. Oh, go on loving me — never doubt the faithfullest heart
Of your beloved
L
Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.

( Ludwig van Beethoven.. )

Words of such sentiment, you could dare too describe them as overly romantic, overly sentimental or extremities, yet in those words, words that may also touch your soul, there is a perfect description of love, yearning, desire, sadness and happiness all mixed in one letter.. It manages to describe the perplexity of human relations.. Love is always a bittersweet feeling.. It may fill you up or leave you empty.. Oh it may bloom like a flower in spring, beautiful and fresh.. It can not be seen, like the soft cool breeze that brushes against you and makes the hair on your neck stand up, or the familiar sense of the sun warming your skin, it can only be felt..
But it is also an emotion of no sense, no logic.. One that makes you question your own sanity.. It may bring out the worst or the best in you..
Nevertheless, you cherish what you love while you have it, for it may not be around forever.. You adapt, you compromise, you accept all flaws and mistakes for they expect yours as well.. And you fight, oh you fight with all you're might, for it is a feeling worth your time..
You should treat it like you would a flower.. A rare flower at that.. You should pay it the attention it needs, like you would water a flower to grow.. For ignorance is like poison to it.. the petals start falling one by one to the ground..
And like there are a million types of flowers, there are also a millions kinds of love..You shouldn't judge any of them, they all come from deep within ones heart.. You should remember "The flower that blooms in adversity, is the most beautiful and rarest of them all".. The is a beauty in being different, there is a beauty in being able to love in your own way.. There is a beauty in adversity, in being yourself and being ever so proud of that.. "Madness is genious, Imperfection in beauty, and I would rather be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.." (M. Monroe) And there is beauty in being aware of your flaws and excepting them, excepting exactly who you are, for only then no ones judgement can affect you.. And to those who chose to judge you and see only flaws and mistakes.. quoting M. Monroe again.. "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times I.'m hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.." 
Treasure imperfection, learn from your mistakes, be true to who you are and if you can't make a big leap, take little steps.. Have faith in people who have faith in you, they might love you in a way you don't understand, it doesn't make shallower, just different.. Avoid judgement, cause you have not yet walked in their shoes and they have not in yours..
You say.. fight for what you want, you can't wait around for it to come.. But if you must, I say right back at you..
I say fight for what you want, cherish what you love, don't try to think out of the box, think like there is no box.. Try giving chances to others, like others gave chances to you, to prove what is real and what is not.. Try it before you judge it.. Show how you feel if you want someone to show you the same.. Treat like you want to be treated, trust if you want to be trusted, have faith, for others have faith in you.. I say "embrace the wonderful mess that you are"..
In that great big mess that I am, I may love in my own way, but I love with devotion.. I may be selfish, but never will I not be there when you need me,  I may have made mistakes, but I learn from them, I'm only human after all.. I am who I am and somebody once told me to never change that for anyone.. I will take that advice and be who I am.. I'd rather be hated for that, than be loved for something I am not.. And if you love me through my worst, then you'll get to see my best..


--You cannot be the one to make me worth less than worthy of someones love, or your affections, with your words.. You do not get to compare and contrast  me with "others" that are worth you being everything, for this was never a competition.. And if it was, then I shall not participate,as I cannot not compare to years of experiences, and we are not the anything alike to try to compare.. so I will not be made to feel inferior for that..
In all this selfishness that you claim posseses me, I didn't fight, not because I didn't want it, want you enough, rather than because it wasn't what you wanted at that time.. I tried to respect your wishes even if I didn't manage it at all times, even if i was out of line at times..
You can't say I ruined any chance, because I tried the best I could given the situation.. and even if I lost track at some point and my reaction was disappointing to you, it's something I cannot change..
I tried to make up for that by not bothering you again while you were away, because I came to understand..
In all my anger, all the times I insulted you, all the times I pointed out your mistakes, which were many times I won't deny, I also pointed out your good parts.. You're insults this time went a lot deeper than that.. A self-centered egotistical, not nice person who has a talent in disappointing others.. You should know better.. Or maybe you wouldn't.. You don't me well enough to say that though.. You can't take you as an example of how I am and who I am, the situation was never that in which I would of given you all I am.. If I do that and it's not enough, then you should comment as you like..
I cannot speak on your behalf, that doesn't mean that when I say something about me, I mean it doesn't apply to you.. Shall I quote myself..? "..whose eyes reflected all his feelings, feelings that were present and seemed to so real, no matter how deep you look into their beautiful blue depths.. with a smile of pure childlike innocence, but the passion of a man.. a man who knew how to mske you feel wanted, beautifull.. a strange combination of fiery impulsiveness, stenght, so in contrast with his heartbreaking sensitivity and vonurability of a boy.." I knew and know what your good qualities are, I can spot them as well as the bad ones..
i didn't accept everything with the best of graces, I am not the nicest person in this world I still like to think I'm worthy..
If you taught me one thing that I shall never forget , it is to express what you feel and do act upon what you want, it madde a difference you should know.. I may have loved before you, a lot too.. he may have been important.. You know what I never told him..? I love you.. You are actually the first person I said it too.. (romanticly) even if I didn't say say when I should or how I should have..
I look back and see the good, I remember the lessons I was taught.. And I was taught a few..
There are things in life though that no matter how hard you fight or think you fought, they won't change.. but "if it's right it happens, the main thing is not to hurry..nothing good gets away.. (John Steinbeck)
Sometimes all you can do, is wait and see.. --