Wednesday 27 April 2016

The aftermath

When you go through a painful situation, something that kills you inside to a certain extent, no matter how much you try your life has a tendency to spiral out of control. You cannot see clearly, you lose sight if what is important and what is not. You lose sight if pretty much anything and everything except for your pain. That awful feeling of dread washes over you making you think everything you touch gets ruined everything you do is wrong, making you think there is possibly no hope in tomorrow, that you will never get over that mind blowing pain. You get lost in trying to survive each day without crumbling to the ground seething in agony. You start to miss things, you start to forget the little things in life that can put a smile on your face. The warmth of the sun on your skin, the cool breeze of spring blowing through your hair, the gentle touch of a friend, a simple joke, a song anything.  It seems your in a trance of sorrow. You just get lost,  lost in the aftermath.
It's funny though, the things that snap you out of it. It can be the most ridiculous thing, the smallest detail can bring you back to reality in a moment. For me, it was you. A simple inconsequential message. It reminded me you see that you not so long ago, just a few light years away used to be the cause of a somewhat lighter but still terrible pain. And that pain went away with time and now here we are, two strangers who used to know each other well who used to share a connection that got lost in time. Two people who are now acquaintances with a common past. You made me think you see, of all that has happened and in a moment, poof, just like that everything was bright again. I have been over this again and I survived it just fine. Life didn't end there, the future did not get plunged in darkness, the world went on turning. Time flew by, the pain numbed and slowly faded away and disappeared. No, I didn't forget you, I wasn't looking or trying to do so anyway. I still remember and at times you still cross my mind. I wonder how you are doing and hope you are well and accomplishing your goals one by one. Our moments flash in my mind sometimes, nostalgia washes over me, of the simplicity -as funny as it sounds saying that now- of us. I smile now when that happens, you were a good chapter I'm my life, one that I have moved on from ages ago. No I haven't forgotten you, I never will, but I have gotten over you. It was nice,  hearing from an old flame, I will always want to know how you are, be happy when you are well, be there if you need me. Sure I would want to see you before I leave once and for all but nowadays that is all. So thank you, my beloved stranger, my beloved lesson, for popping in my life at the right moment, thank you for unknowingly coming to my rescue. You always did appear at the most crazy of times, you always did teach me the most valuable of lessons although you would never know that. Thank you! Your flame will burn eternally in the background for all that you have given me.
And once again, it's a new dawn it's a new day it's a new life!!

Thursday 14 April 2016

...just a dream

 I lay there, sprawled across your chest, listening to your heart beating steadily in your peaceful slumber and feeling you warm breath on my face.. I inhaled you scent greedily.. cherishing your warmth and closeness.. security.. I thought sleepily about forever.. forever felt like a moment in your arms.. happiness felt like a moment listening to your sleepy voice mumbling I love you as you pulled me closer to you, smothering me with your endless love.. 
Love this must me true love.. I fit perfectly in your arms as you fit perfectly in mine.  I started wondering about soulmates.. do they exist? And if so.. you must me mine.. I must be yours.. we met by such circumstances it must be fate.. so much at work for just two people.. how can it not be fate..how can it not?  "My dear you are my Sun my moon.. " I whispered in your ear and you smiled in your sleep.. Your eyes fluttered as I kissed your neck.. you lowered your lips to mine and sealed my destiny with your kiss.."you are the love of my life " you whispered softly.. and I believed you.. how could I not? 
I looked up to see your face, to look into your eyes, the deep blue bottomless sea of your perfect soul, but your face was blurry.. I sat up and blinked several times as you slowly faded away before my eyes.. I felt cold, freezing cold out of your embrace, my eyes started tearing.. I grabbed at you but ended up with nothing in my hands.. your eyes were sad as you looked at me while you faded deeper into the darkness.. I screamed and cried and called for you.. 
My chest hurt my face was tear streaked.. I fought for breath as I woke with a start and immediately turned to find you, but you were nowhere to be found.. a dream.. it was just a dream.. I repeated in my head over and over as I tried to calm my heart and breath.. 
Lovers.. star crossed lovers.. 
I cried myself senseless and mourned my loss all over again as I recalled my vivid dream of you.. no rest.. not even in my sleep did your thought leave me.. you haunt me.. like a ghost of loss.. My heart slowed down and my tears dried up, my breathing returned to normal, fatigue wore over me like a wave as sleep claimed me.. another restless night.. 
Just a dream.. now you're just a dream.. from now until infinity.. 

Wednesday 13 April 2016

I have to wonder.. how many times can a heart break before it is unable to beat again.. before it drums it's last sound and dies.. and can a person still go on living normally with a dead unbeating heart.. with a hollow chest and a black soul.. how many beatings can someone take before they finally lay down unable to get back up..
How many lies can the truth handle before reality is no more than an evil nightmare.. 
How many wounds can a body handle before it stops healing.. 
How does one live.. dead on the inside.. 
Numb the pain again and again.. Numb it till you feel nothing.. stab your own wounds again and again.. stab them until you don't feel the pain anymore when someone else tries to hurt you.. brake your own heart into a million pieces.. trample all over it until it turns to dust so they can't take away any more pieces.. let them keep what they have taken.. 
It's theirs by now.. it's theirs to keep.. the pieces don't fit anywhere anymore.. 
Dead to you.. I'm dead to you since the day you killed me yourself.. you put your hand in my chest and ripped the life right out of me.. I applaud you.. really.. I do. You must feel so good with yourself.. killing peoples joy cause u feel none of your own.. I applaud you really.. you must feel so proud.. 
I'll be more like you.. and less like me..I'll walk around like nothing touches me.. really.. nothing touches me anymore anyway.. you killed that too.. 
Numb the pain.. embrace that darkness.. fall beneath the surface.. step on them before they step on you.. that's the only way to be.. 
I'm not going to sit and count my wounds again hoping I didn't cause any pain while I was dying inside.. 
Go on.. go on living like you do.. one day you'll hurt so much that you can't breathe.. you will remember me then.. only then.. 
Until then.. take care..
I will get where I want to be.. is where you stayed where you wanted to be?
I really don't think so..
You are unworthy of what I gave you, yet I would of given it over and over again..
I was unworthy of such an end.. yet you would if killed me over and over again..
And that's what differentiates us..
You stabbed me and I gave you the knife..
Hold on to it.. remember who you hurt when you are hurting..
Karma won't miss out on you.. you give what you take..

Sunday 10 April 2016

..Life is life

Life will knock you down.. each blow will sure as hell hurt more than the last.. you will fall to the ground and crumble in pain.. you will lay there unable to breathe.. unable to speak.. there will be moments like this when you feel you are unable get back up.. when you feel like you cannot take any more pain.. like you cannot move on.. like you cannot put the pieces back together.. truth is you can't.. the pieces never will fall back into place.. but that's ok.. the pieces don't have to fit perfectly back together.. Life is not a well designed puzzle you get to make up again and again.. Life is messy, inconsistent, unpredictable.. you get to make up a new pattern every time..
You are allowed to grieve, cry, scream, go crazy.. you ate allowed to brake down.. you are allowed to change..no one expects you to stay the same.. you are allowed to go crazy.. for me it's better to do so anyway.. go crazy, go wildly-mental institute-out of your mind-psychopath crazy to prove your point.. make them think you are a fucking basket case if need be.. let them believe it and do not even give a shit.. get it out of your system.. get it all out there.. fall down.. grovel on the ground.. you need to grieve your losses whatever they may be.. only when you have reached rock bottom will you realise it's time to get back up..
The realisation will hit will all it's might.. that life is life.. Life is painful.. nothing comes easy.. all you need to do is the best you can.. once you have done that.. move on.. it's not your loss.. it's theirs.. never cave.. fight with courage and integrity..
Did you do that? Then chin up.. you have nothing to be sorry for.. nothing to regret.. nothing more to cry over.. you have won even when it feels like a mortal loss..
Look back.. take a look at your life so far.. shed a tear or two if you have to.. then turn around.. and walk away..
Listen closely in the silence of the night.. hear that faint thumping sound? That is your heart still beating.. do you you feel the gush of air exit your lungs.. you are still breathing.. you have survived every worst day of your life so far.. so far your doing great..
I know.. I know what you are thinking.. sure I have survived, but what has it cost me? Everything.. it has cost you everything.. you have felt your heart stop from the excruciating pain.. you have seen your soul darken.. you have seen your wounds reopen and bleed with every twist of that knife.. what consolation it to you to still be standing? But you have to look at the bright side of the dark side.. Life has justly given you motivation, new goals, more wisdom..
I'm still standing.. maybe not so high and mighty but I am.. I have lost once again.. but one day.  I will start fighting again.. another piece of me has broken.. has turned to dust.  Or maybe you took it with you when you left.. I am learning to adjust.. my heart is learning to beat without it..
I'll get back up.. I will remember you forever of course.. foe what you gave me, for what you took from me, for what you taught me.. I will never find anyone whose arms I fit in so perfectly and that is something I have come to accept.. but life will go on.. seasons will change.. the pain will numb and subside.. you will live in the back of my mind.. where your memories will keep me warm at nights when my heart freezes again..
Always and forever..
A distant loving memory.. a wonderful stranger whom I once New better than myself..
Ever thine
  Ever mine
    Ever ours my love..
But for now.. Life must go on..