Thursday 30 April 2015

a little bit of everything..

I woke up this morning with a thought on my mind, look how summers and winters have so quickly gone by.. It feels like only yesterday when I was filled with innocence, batting my eyelashes and asking my mum, if I'm a real princess.. When all I wanted was to play, to be out and about all day.. I was only hurt, by the cuts and bruises, repeatedly falling over, before the day was over..
Always running around, getting dirt on my dainty clothes from rolling around on the ground.. Carefree and always filled with energy, little did I know, real life is a fucking orgy..
Friendships were so innocent, no jealousy and mockery.. Relationships were just so cute, he held my hand and I was wooed..
My mum was there to always dry my tears, my father fought away all my fears.. Sometimes I just want to go back to those years..
I look at those pictures, see the glint in my eyes, the big smile, never left my face.. Now time just flies by at a very fast pace.
I write, because I feel my hand itch, about life who's fucking bitch.. It takes away your innocence, it takes away your smile, it leaves you naked in the floor, crying and shouting 'no more'.. It always forces you to remember, when all you want is to forget, and the older I get I bet the harder it will get..
What you want is never good and what is good you never want, it's how it's always like..
The hardships pass, they're done, they're gone.. They just keep telling you, get up and move on.. What they don't tell you is that they'll keep knocking down, again again, until the future looks blurry..
You work so hard for a small pack of money,when your bills are paid you left with not even a penny..
You live amongst vultures, you're pray, a little needle in a stack of hay.. Corrupt politicians are supposed to lead your way..
People around you are dying like flies and when you ask why, you're just fed another shitload of lies..It's not a life you live by choice, but it seems you're slowly loosing for voice..
You may not see things my way, but you should know, I don't give a shit about your view anyway..
I speak my mind though it may not be heard, I'm not another sheep in this herd.. I look different, but you all look the same, white and fluffy and a little huffy..all slaves to the big boss, well guess who's at loss..
You pray to your God, looking for absolution, as if that's the real solution.. you go to church, fall on your knees, you repeat the same words with such ease.. 'forgive me Father, for I have sinned' and cry until your eyes are red-rimmed..
I believe in my own God, myself not a fraud.. I can be my own sun, universe and moon, I don't need all your crap, I'm just happy like that..
I can live my own way, you can keep yapping away.. Say what you like, I won't live like we're under the third Reich..
I dream my dreams big and set my goals high, it's hard to get by, I'm not gonna lie.. I'll have fun and smile as much I can, I don't have a grand plan.. I'm gonna love, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna lose, and be in pain, at least my life will be far from plain.. I choose to live before I die, I'm never going to comply..

Monday 27 April 2015

Reality

As you grow older you start to realise the world isn’t as you always pictured it through the bedtime stories your parents read to you.. all the bullshit you were fed through fairy tales trying to convince you every story has a happy fucking ending.. Trying to push the idea of the knight in shiny armour coming to sweep you off your feet, causing you to grow with a romanticised crappy misconception of reality which will just blow up in your face when you enter adulthood..
Truthfully, life is full of bullshit and hardships.. Reality hits you hard and fast, closely after you turn 18.. It's up to you now.. No one is going to tuck in safely at night and kiss you goodnight, no on will be there to wipe away you tears.. No one will help you find your road.. You learn to be your own saviour to survive in the ocean of sharks you've been thrown in.. In today's society it's survival of the fittest..
Living in a society that hurries to put a label on you, gay, lesbian, ugly, pretty, fat, thin, tall, short, rich, poor. An unaccepting society, that promotes money, social status and good looks.. Hollow people, rotten on the inside.. That social elite everyone wants to be like.. Those promoted role models of stick thin anorexics with high fashion clothes that make little girls around the world go through exhausting diets and spend all their time and effort trying to imitate what most have labelled as beautiful..
Most people waste so much effort, trying to fit in with the norm.. Being different is as bad as having the bloody plague.. You have to belong into the mainstream society in order to be socially acceptable..
No one sees that in reality, we are all misfits among misfits, most of us struggling to hide our true self, instead of trying to find our true colours and let them shine, as we are all perfect in our own imperfections.. Imperfection is beauty, it is reality, being different and unique it is what separates us from a herd of sheep..
 people are like stars..there are so many of them, side by side, crowded together, yet so alone..all shining differently..others shining brightly..blinding you with their light, disguising the hollowness..others shining weaker.. all shining differently.. At the end of the day, we still look to see if they shine, judging the book as always by it's cover, we have forgotten how to appreciate the beauty of the soul..
This is the world you are entering as an adult.. You start to think materialistically and forget the value of the simple things in life, which are most important.. A kiss from someone you love, a hug, a good friend, falling in love, the fresh air on your face, the endless ocean in front of your eyes.. You get lost as everyone else in the everyday struggle.. You set your dreams and try to achieve them.. You work hard and earn nothing.. Yeah, that's reality, but you still have a choice.. to make your impact, to make your difference no matter how small..
the world is yours to conquer….the only advice to give would be to let go of your safety net and jump..just jump..you may land on your feet or you may fall on your ass..but it’s your choice to get up and keep trying or give up..they say life is like a roller coaster..and i couldn’t agree more..you can either close your eyes and wait for it to be over..or throw your hands in the air and enjoy it..
YOUR CHOICE..
No matter what crap comes you way, no matter how many times you get knocked down.. Get up and fight.. Fight to live the life you want, and not the life others want..

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”, as Oscar Wilde said.. Life is a gift you've been given, not a chore you must do..

Choose to live..every moment to it's fullest..be stupid.. be crazy, insane amongst all the insanity that surrounds you..because there is always going to be pain..but in the end you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain..

A piece of mind, heart, soul..

Meg Rosoff said "Your writing voice is the deepest possible reflection of who you are. The job of your voice is not to seduce or flatter or make well-shaped sentences. In your voice, your readers should be able to hear the contents of your mind, your heart, your soul.."
When I write, I write because I have to.. My mind is always in overdrive, the thoughts so many, they threaten to spill out.. I let them spill out, through the ink on the paper.. My deepest thoughts, my hidden feelings, my hopes and aspirations, my dreams, my disappointments, my pain and weaknesses.. All scribbled down in my weather beaten notebook..
For some it's hard to understand, the way writing comes so naturally, for me it's talking through my fingers.. I don't write, for others to like it.. I write for myself, for my own mental health, before my own thoughts drive me crazy.. I write to give someone a piece of my mind, my heart, my soul, in the only way I truly know how to..
The thoughts are getting crowded once again, so many problems, so many issues, so many choices, they're taking up to much space in my head.. There is this issue, in the back of my head, my thoughts about it jumbled and scattered, like pieces of a puzzle that has no shape.. You, you take up that space back there and confuse my mind even more.. I'm at a loss once again.. There is no logic in my actions once again.. I don't want to lose control though once again..
I'm at war with myself,a constant battle you see.. My brain is trying really hard to protect my heart this time.. Constant flashbacks of the past keep passing before my eyes.. The bad, the good and then the bad again.. As if my mind is trying to weigh out which memories are dominant.. They come in this order that's further confusing.. As if I'm trying to remember two different people.. and now I'm meeting a third one.. 
The one that held me with such tenderness, as If he was afraid I'd brake, who spoke words that could have been quoted out of a poem, who seemed to be in pain whenever he hurt me, whose eyes reflected all his feelings, feelings that were present and seemed so real, no matter how deep I looked into their beautiful blue depths.. With a smile of pure childlike innocence, but the the passion of a man.. A man who knows how to make you feel wanted, beautiful.. A strange combination of fiery impulsiveness, strength, so in contrast with his  heartbreaking sensitivity and vulnerability of a boy.. The one, who was as cold as a glacier in the freezing temperatures of Antarctica, who hurt you like it meant nothing to him, like a sadist, taking pleasure in your pain, who averted his look from your teary eyes, whose indifference came so naturally, who through words at you that hurt like daggers piercing your skin and going deep into the by now hollow space in your chest.. And the one who is something in between and at the same time someone completely different.. Who gives you something while giving you nothing and hides behind words with double meanings.. As if he's trying to balance between being someone and no one at all..
I'm still trying to figure out, if I can forgive a past which I cannot forget.. A past you don't think needs forgiveness, because you still don't know what you did wrong.. A past in which, you hurt my feelings, broke my heart, hurt my pride, ego with a list of actions not worthy of the feelings you so adamantly professed, in which you crumbled my trust and faith in you.. I'm still trying to figure out why my heart can't forget, what my mind seemingly had.. Why those feelings wont go away, after all this time, after all that happened, how could it be like a day hasn't gone by when I saw you again..? I'm still trying to figure out what I need, when my heart already knows what I want.. And now I have to also figure out which of these people you are right now..
I could be repeating the same story, or I could be writing ta new one.. The future is always unpredictable I know that much, things change in a flash, before you even have the time to process what happened..
I think and over think it's what i do.. I'm all or nothing it's how I am.. I do everything I do with all my heart.. You'd be surprised at how much faith I have in people, how much faith I had in you, it's who I am.. I'm don't think I'm capable of hating anyone, no matter what they do.. You may call me naive, oversensitive and stupid.. You may say I'm weak, because I broke, but I know I'm strong, because I put myself back together, because I never abandon those I care about, because I tried and tried my best, I don't give up.. I may be crazy, but that's my best feature, I dream hope and love like a child, truthfully, deeply, innocently and with endless faith.. I may be the hardest person to fall in love with and love, but it doesn't mean I'm less worthy of anything.. I'm worthy of as much as I give..
To you though I don't know what I'm worth.. In-between and indecision is what I get.. Things will fall into place as you say.. And I'm letting them do exactly that for now.. I tried to let go you many times, I thought about putting an end to this insanity..they say the people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander.. I'm curious to see how gravity will work this time, it's pulled us near many times in the past.. 
“Now do you understand why I'm interested in you? You're a locked door, sweetheart. You give no one a key and you never answer the door when anyone knocks...Ah, but sometimes, sometimes I get a peek through the keyhole and what I find there...It's like glimpsing you as you're stripping. Underneath all of that darkness is something hungry, something desperate, something, oh, so deliciously vulnerable.” (Tricia Owens)
Maybe now you'll understand more.. nevertheless, I write for you to be able to hear, my mind, my heart, my soul..

Sunday 26 April 2015

Crossroads..

Choices, you always have to make choices in life.. Other choices are tougher.. and others a lot easier.. But nevertheless they are a part of our everyday life.. How do you know if your making the right choice though..? How do you know you aren't making the biggest mistake of your life..? Do you listen to your heart..? Do you weigh the statistical probabilities..? Once you've made your choice, can you go on in life,without looking back and wondering whether things would of turned out differently..And if you do look back.. Does it mean you are not contempt with your decision..? "What if's" are so troubling to live with.. They always eat you up slowly..
Come to think of it though, there are aways going to be parts of your life that you choose to leave behind, that you would have liked to take with you.. There are things you can't control, are things of which you have to let go .. I think you will know in your heart when the time is right to let go.. Once you're standing at the beginning of that crossroad, you will look at either road, close your eyes and let your senses lead you toward your new adventure..
You can sit and ponder, over thinking every little detail, driving yourself crazy in the process, weighing the probabilities, pros, cons, making up scenarios of all the bad things that may happen, avoiding the risky choice.. Or you can let the pieces, one by one fall into place on their own account.. You can stop thinking about what might and might not happen, that way you can enjoy what is happening right now.. You can gain a better understanding of the situation you are in, and about yourself and what you what.. Time can be a determining factor..
So, for now I'll just stand staring at the crossroad, neither risking it all, nor playing it safe.. and when the time comes.. I'll close my eyes.. I'll listen to the whispers of my heart, I'll taste the air around me, take step forward to whichever way my feet might take me.. and when I finally open my eyes, I will look back, neither regretting, nor wishful.. but blissful.. for the many experiences and adventures I leave behind, thankful for all the lessons I was taught..Reminiscing the wonderful past, and hoping for a glorious future.. And I'll turn around and keep walking straight ahead, expecting the obstacles and looking forward to finding new ways to overcome them as I go.. I'll bleed and I'll brake, I'll fall again and I know it know.. It's ok to fall , as long as you find the strength to get back up.. Get up and keep going, making the most of this glorious gift you've been given,LIFE..