Sunday, 31 January 2016


I was always trying to figure you out. I was wondering what were you thinking, every action and word you've ever said and done. I never managed to figure anything out though. That's what I liked about you. After all this time, you were still a mystery to me. I never took you for granted because of that dark veil that was surrounding your existence. I was too scared to take you for granted. Too scared to even think that you was mine. I fell in that veil of yours so easy. I wanted to get lost in that darkness, to look at your captivating eyes every single day. Some people believe that love has many forms and I am one of them but I never really understood your kind of love. I decided to give up after some years. Give up on trying to figure out everything about you and then one day it hit me.
-Do you love me? You were asking me.
-Yes. That was always my answer.
However when  you were asking me how much I couldn't find words to describe my feelings to you. I always stood in silence, smiling while looking at you but you could see inside me. You could see the melancholy in my eyes. These blank eyes that you supposedly fell in love with. You misunderstood the melancholy in my eyes. I wasn't sad because I didn't love you. I was sad because I couldn't explain how much I loved you. The words came to me after some time. After you left me. I could explain to you now but you are gone. I would tell you that I would erase the light of the stars for you. I would destroy planets and do anything just to smile at me. I would drain all the seas for you but you never let me love you. I wish I could tell you all these. Unfortunately I know that all the things I want to say to you are gonna rot away in some dark cell of my mind or maybe it's not the right time to say these things. Maybe we are like clocks that will never be in sync. You see, missing someone is not a certain fixed point in time. It is happening everyday. Every single time the radio plays that song we used to listen. Every time there is an apple pie somewhere near me. I miss you more and more as time passes by and you will never know. It's like hearing every goodbye you ever said to me all at once. We collided like stars and exploded together like a predestined supernova. There is always an end in everything and our end was marked at the time of the explosion but for that one instance I felt alive and dead at the same time. Nowadays you are like a shadow on the walls. An echo telling me to reach out to you and make you mine again. A gentle touch on my shoulder, like the wind. A whirlpool pulling me inside your sweet cage of twisted love. After all this time I know that it's a lie. There is no cage, no gentle wind touching just my mind playing games. It makes me sad though. I'm starting to realize that I can't fight my feelings anymore and I don't know how to get past this sadness and darkness surrounding me. If only you could come back, everything would be bright and sunny again. A man has the right to dream right? I'm so lost without you, empty and hollow. I believed in you for so long. I loved you so hard and now I'm all out of love and faith and I can only wish I had a time machine to turn back time. Right my wrongs with you. Prevent you from disappearing from my life. It was me and you against the world. We were burning bridges, winning ward and building worlds. The past is the worse vertigo.
Some say that real love lasts forever but what if love is not always mutual? Do you want this kind of love to be eternal? I don't but I can't help it. Maybe someday I'll erase you from my mind. Maybe I won't even remember your name. The seconds feel like an eternity, the mind comes second when the heart breaks. Love doesn't mean that the sun will always shine, love doesn't mean that everything is gonna be fine. Is love enough when everything goes bad? I think that love can't help you but the more you love the more you believe that it can help you. Is it wrong to believe in a utopia like this or is it right? A utopia is the complete opposite of a dystopia but what if love is these two things combined and only we have the power to change it however we like. Mistakes can be  made but are there really any mistakes? I believe that there are no mistakes in love, just acts that you commit because you love someone else. Nothing is forbidden in the minefield of emotions and love. You just do your best and hope everything goes alright but the worse thing is the pain you feel when you do actually try your best and it's not enough. However, you would  still stay with your supposedly soulmate, even though he/she is crazy as hell or a pure catastrophe for your whole world. you would still wait for the last piece of your big puzzle outside the door for ever and ever until one day you realize that no one is going to show up and then rain starts soaking your clothes and your heart starts crumbling in thousand little pieces. You start feeling cold and alone. All the feelings you had fade away and negative feelings replace the once sunny field of butterflies inside your stomach. No more rainbows, no more happy memories. You expected a happy ending but happy endings are so rare.... After some time you will revisit these old feelings to find comfort in the words that were left unspoken by both of you even though you know exactly how it is going to end. After years of adoring snow days, the snow melts away and all that it's left is dead soil and two choices for you to make.

 Let everything die or rebuild your broken world from scratch.

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Dust to Dust Part III

NO. This can't be true. You don't mean this. I killed her. I killed because you made me do it and you say this to me to inflict me more pain? How much more can someone stand? I thought you were my friend, I thought you would help me but it seems I was wrong. I ended the one who could help me and I was left here with you. Maybe you are right. Maybe she did love me at some point. Maybe she didn't have the way to show it to me. Please tell me, did she also believe that she was worthless like me? I'm begging you, if you have any humanity left in you, you should tell me. Give me closure at last and stop torturing me. If you do this, my soul is yours. I will blindly follow you and do your biding. All I ask is to grant me this wish. Let me be complete once again. She is long gone but I need her memory. I have to remember her. Remember every inch of her body, every single shade of color that her eyes had. I have to feel the worse and the best thing she did to me. If you let her fade, I will fade too. If you let me forget I will never forgive you and trust me, you will be the last but not least on my list. I will kill you with everything I have so I dare you. Let her fade, let her be consumed by my darkness and you death will be painful and slow even if that means I have to die with you. I created you and I can destroy you, so I would not be so comfy if I was you. If you really think I am a mere human as you say then you are a mere demon. A lowlife bastard created by a lowlife human like me, so watch your tongue when you speak about me.

You filthy human, you little pathetic puddle of mud, how dare you speak about the king of hell like that? A lowlife bastard, your creation, a mere demon? I am hell itself you ignorant prick!
- You speak too much you know that?
- I will speak as much as I want for as long as I want. Listen carefully and you may learn a thing or two.
- There is nothing for me to learn. I already had this blood lust inside me. I was already void. I wanted to kill, to destroy, to get revenge. The only thing you did is that you killed the only person I have ever loved. The only one who could control me.
- Of course I killed her, you vessel. Who doesn't want to be an unstoppable killing machine?
- I didn't you scum. Get off your high horse. I may be unstoppable but this doesn't mean you can control me. It's the exact opposite you brainless little demon. Who told you I wanted to become like this? Who the fuck told you I wanted to kill her? She was the one. It's the exact opposite. You see, I got nothing left to lose. She was the one I wanted to protect and I failed miserably. This is on me. The fact that you killed her using me though? That's on you and hear me when I say. I will have my revenge. For now, how about you shut the fuck up and let me do your bidding, until I say otherwise. Understood?
Understood but don't think that you can actually hurt-
- I told you to shut the fuck up, didn't I?
That's right, keep calm and don't mock me. Let me do my job and when the time is right you will see who is the invulnerable one.....
You know.... Under that smile..
- Let that smile alone, you killed that smile.
- I thought you wanted to know about her, about her thoughts and feelings.
- I changed my mind. Maybe it's better not to know. I really am scared of what could happen to me if you told me that she loved me. So hush, not another word.

A girl once gave a kiss to a boy and it changed his life forever. A wanderer always dissatisfied with where he was and what he had, until she came. She was lovely and lovable. She was everything he ever wanted but  the little boy was innocent. He fell madly in love with the girl. Unfortunately the girl wasn't as lovable as he thought she was. She turned his innocence into lust. In the beginning it was nice, however as time passed this lust was consuming him. She was like a drug, always giving him his dose of lust, when one day, suddenly she was gone. She left him there to rot, absorbed his will and left. He was all alone, he became mad. Mad with love for her, he couldn't stand the thought of hating her, not even for a bit but something was off. Innocence was gone and something slipped inside him. It wasn't lust, it was something else, something darker.
After time passed he learned to live without her. He learned to cope with his new found friend inside him, to kill his feelings for her in order to stay alive and not get consumed by his madness again. That friend of him helped him, at least it seemed like help. Seasons changed, years passed and the friend became the boy's right hand. The creature was blocking every thought of that woman. It glued the broken pieces of the boy who gradually became a man. It showed him another point of view, different, more realistic. The man accepted that point of view. Along with the new point of view, it gave him a mission. A mission of justice and self improvement. It was the first time that the boy heard that voice.
- No one will oppose you again, you have me. You will find the liars, the betrayers, the scums and you will deliver punishment. You will see through anything with my help.  In return I will stop your pain, I will make you forget. Do you accept human?
He was shocked but he was in pain indeed.
-Are you really going to help me? I believe I am past saving. He asked and a chill went down his spine. The voice was distorting every time it spoke.
-Yes, human....... I am going to make you unstoppable. Nothing will be in your way again. No pain, no remorse. I will erase these feelings out of existence. DO YOU ACCEPT?
- Yes I accept!
He shouted without a second thought. Suddenly, he felt terrible pain. All of his memories getting wiped and erased. He fell to his knees, shouting and screaming, his teeth plunged deep inside his lips ripping pieces of skin, until the screaming stopped. Everything around him started to decay and his eyes went blank. He became numb, without will once again. He found the strength to close his white eyes. He stood up. He smiled and opened his eyes.
-I feel much better now.
He said while licking the blood on his lips.
- I told you I would help you. Do you know who I am? 
It said with a calm and crystal clear voice.
Oh, I know.. I know very well who you are
The man replied while stretching his neck.
- Are you scared? Terrified? Why are you shaking human?
- Scared? I am excited. I was blind and I can see. I am ready to hit the road and punish the wicked as you said. Who is better to smite the wicked than someone more wicked than them?
I think that we are going to get along just fine. Shall we start?
And so it began. The great adventure of the boy and his demon.
All this killing, all this destruction. Something deep inside him. The gate was broken after some time. The big fortress which the demon built has fallen. The feelings drowned the boy. The wiped memories came back and filled him with the pain of the past. The ghost of her and everyone else he killed. The demon didn't know though. The man was strong enough to hide his pain. His wounds were healed and he was renewed.  That was his plan all along, to overthrow the demon once for all and get revenge for the death of his loved one using his feelings. Even if she was a monster who threw him to the wolves, she was his monster. His little devil and she was gone for ever.  If only she had stayed the same, this have been so much better.
- I don't even recognize my face anymore. I wonder what it's like to start all over again. Could I?  Give me time darling and I will join you. I will be punished as well for what I have done to your beautiful face. I will make up for every wasted  moment. I feel so alone, standing here in this wasteland  where I'm living. I miss you so much. I need more, more of you. We will meet again my love, just wait for me. I will remove this curse, I have a plan. Give me your hate as you always did and guide me through this nightmare. Oh, my fallen angel don't forget about me. Not yet.

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Dust to Dust Part II

You are not the only one that mattered to me you know. However, I will always love you. You will always be the one for me. The first and the last, the alpha and the omega. I just don't care about you anymore. You were my first love and the first to go. Before you die in my hands I will only give you a piece of  advice. 'Never leave someone for dead'. Finish the fucking job, because if by any chance that someone comes back, all hell will break loose and there will be no stopping him. You should have known better, you should never underestimate me darling. That's what happens when you underestimate me.  You have to walk now you meat suit. Hold the thought we were talking about... Kill your feelings, you possess  the controller to the kill switch of your heart. There are no love songs that can explain what you once felt for her, no fairy tales for the happiness you lost, no lullabies for the security they ripped apart. The happiness THEY TOOK FROM YOU! So, walk, walk and don't look back at her dead body. Walk and keep on destroying worlds, keep on killing gods. Let her go, you are something else now, you are a soul sealer, a god killer. She used to mean something but know she means nothing. She is just another pawn in the big game of chess and you are the one moving the pieces. They are all puppets and you are the puppet master pulling the strings. They have no will and even if they have, you will take it away. Make them as lifeless as they made you. So, carry on.

-I wish my wounds could heal, I wish someone could save me from my terrible fate. Put me out of my misery with a big bang or a kiss. If only second chances existed. I wish I wasn't dead inside. Wishes are for the weak and I'm not weak anymore...unfortunately. I can't recall the last time I cried or felt anything else except sadness and emptiness. I killed the only person who could get me out of this mess. This endless void I'm falling in, this ocean of darkness. Was it for the best? I think so...That's what she told me before the end. They say that the only way to find yourself is to get lost inside someone else but I have no one. No one is left, it's just me and myself and I am afraid I wont make it. I wont be able to break my curse, I can surpass my monster anymore.

-Oh, you stupid boy...You have no idea. I pity you. You are a mere human with no power over me. I am the one who guides and controls you, you filthy meat suit. I waited so many years to break down, to gain control over you. I am the king and you are the horse you filthy human and you can't do shit because it was actually your choice to become the horse. It was your choice to let me on the steering wheel. So, the only thing you can actually to is to accept your fate and buckle up because it is gonna be a bumpy ride.  Full of torture and blood.

-I believe I am addicted to this rush, this torture and pain. I don't know what to do. It's so difficult to get rid of this void after all these years. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe it's my only chance to survive this cruel world. This world full of fakes and degenerates. I guess I just have to accept my fate and just do my job. The job I was destined to do. I have this voice in my mind that I cannot oppose. It says that I need to burn everything, I need to kill everyone. What should I do, what should I do....... It's been forever since I felt love and warmness. I'm so cold. I need her hands again. I need her eyes to look at me again the same way she was looking at me when I met her. These endless summer conversations, the love, the coziness of her touch. She may be dead but her presence still haunts me. It makes me mad, FURIOUS. Who does she think she is to haunt me. Who the fuck does she think she is. This freaking girl. I'm not in love anymore. I have nothing left inside of me.. I'm sick of it!

Yes, yes my dear human... Embrace your rage. Understand it and even welcome it. It is gonna be easier with time. Let if fill your empty soul and replace the last bits of feelings you have. You don't need them anyway. They don't need you anyway. They never did but you was too blind to see it. Too proud, too in love.  Desperate to find the love of your life, in search of romantic worlds and fairy tales. For what is worth, I believed it  along with you. I felt it even though I was empty however, feelings fade away and all that's left is dust. We are formed by dust and dust we shall become once again. Dust to dust and ashes to ashes. Nobody cares and everyone is dead. A city, a world of living dead. It's our job to make it right. Our job to fix the mistakes of this false god. Consume and adapt, let go of your worries. There is nothing left to care about, nothing left to cry over, nothing left to love.  The biggest mistake you have ever made is that she caught your eye. You fell in... You fell in love. The moon bled with you the day that love died. Do you really think you are strong enough to fight this urge, this hunger? Do you really think you are something special? The wolf among the sheep? Do you think you are the one to break this curse of loneliness and escape this darkness that has been surrounding you all this time? Do you still think this story is your fairy tale you wanted to live?

You have to accept it sooner or later and become my servant. My little servant in my own little void world. Where nothing and everything exists at the same time. Where love and hate is the exact same thing. It is unavoidable so you better say goodbye and stop struggling. On the other hand.... You have no one to say goodbye don't you? You are all alone. You pushed the people you loved away from you because you thought that you deserve nothing. Of course you deserve nothing. How could the nothingness deserve something? For what it's worth though, you once meant something to her.

Friday, 8 January 2016

Dust to Dust Part I

The only thing that speaks the truth is actions. Not words, not anything else..just actions. Actions you can actually see but deny to realize them. No you can't see the whole world in her/his eyes or these eyes everywhere in the world. Illusions and sugar coated words are easy to believe. Time wont heal you. The only one that can help you is.. YOU. You don't even know how strong you are until you have no choice. You have no idea what you are capable of until someone corners you and if that someone is your freaking special someone... EVEN BETTER. Everyone is afraid to show their wounds but not you. You are strong enough to let your wounds open. You are strong enough to let everyone know you survived worse and let them knife the fuck out of you without even flinching. There was someone who hurt you at some point of your life but not anymore. You are fucking powerful as you lack emotions. Your pain tolerance is so high its almost inhuman but that's the good stuff right? That high that gets to you when the knife digs deep. The adrenaline rush you feel when everything turns red. No regrets, no pain, just a big void inside your big eyes. After some time the void disappears and there is nothing left but a monster. A monster that can negate any feeling, a monster that can tear apart anyone who gets in its way and that's DAMN FINE. Vengeance is here. Revenge is near for every fucking person who actually plunged a knife in your heart which is no longer there. The melody is over, the piano stopped playing and dead silence is the only thing left along with the darkness oozing through you. A bloodlust that cannot be sated. A power above every power. Something sinister that cannot be stopped. You cried, you screamed but right now this dead silence is your best friend. The first and last thing they will hear. Silence sometimes is more powerful than words and you are sick of them. Silence can make the loudest BANG ever heard. Love faded away,  'The only one i wanted was you' and shit like that don't even touch you anymore. I would say that you are lost inside a dark abyss however you are not lost. You are an abyss walker. The chosen one who can kill every living thing. Death and decay behind every single step, your story is not a happy one. Your story is more like Abel and Cain. Apocalypse and sins. Lust and killing spree. A soulless monster with no remorse. Searching and destroying without regrets. The only thing remotely close to the humanity you once had is a sick and twisted smile wrapped on your face.

It has been forever since I saw the only one who could even reach inside me and stop me. I can't remember the voice or the face of that person. My big, bad monster took care of that for me.

The monster took care of everyone, everyone except me. I want to die so badly, get rid of that curse but where is the fun in that huh? You cannot spell fun without a  huge dose of chaos and blood.
My eyes are changing a little bit day by day. They become darker, black,more hollow than ever. I am  starting to losing the only thing that was making me human, the only chance I got to get rid of the monster. After all these, I got rid of your humanity instead of the monster inside me. Reality is getting distorted, hell is getting closer at every step, my wrongs are dancing with my rights and I am not even terrified. Every second that passes brings you closer to my throne, one step closer to become the fucking King of Hell. Who could be better than you anyway? Who could replace the great torturer of souls. The masochism of your life. Torturing souls and getting tortured by torturing them. Oh, such art. Oh, my love where art thou? I guess my demon killed you too...
Yet, loneliness is another feeling you negated. Nothing can take your pain away. There is no retribution or hope left for you so you will keep doing the only thing you do just great, torture. It doesn't matter if its yourself or other people, that's the only thing left in you. Words were left unspoken and now you are choking by these words. Getting madder and madder without no one to stop you. There is a speck inside your head. Neon lights guiding you back to the state of equillibrium. Long before things turn red, before the pain and the tears, before that demon of yours take over your soulless body. What are these lights, u wonder. Is it her? Is she here for me? How can I go back though? All our bridges are burned, I lit this dirty road I walk for so long with the help of these burning bridges. Maybe it's all just a dream. A nightmare so realistic that you can feel every single thing. All it's needed is to wake up, or is it? Naaaah, I'm just kidding. It's not a nightmare, you wish it was but it's not. It's all real so.. I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you. I would keep on walking, keep on slaying every living thing in my way. Destroying souls, torturing bodies. Why you ask? Why not? Life is pointless anyway. Relationships and feelings fade away. Yes of course, love hurts but do you know what hurts worse? Being alive and dead at the same time because of these feelings. Why bother loving when you can destroy. Why bother loving when you can hate? Why bother loving at all? These questions are as pointless as loving though as you cant feel anything anymore. Don't you ever forget that. Hold this fucking thought in your hands and never let go. Sing along the damned and gaze in the abyss. Your existence is nothing but a crack of darkness between an eternity of light. So sing along a little louder. Hold that wretched smile you have and show it to the world. Let them know that the Queen is dead, long live the fucking King. Everyone's have something to pay and you are here to claim their pitiful, pathetic souls. Rip them apart, tear them in piece and then throw them in the deepest pit of our kingdom. I will make them understand that their God is dead. There is no salvation for the betrayers, no hope for the fakes and of course, no rest for the wicked. Your throne was built from the scars they gave you and now it's payback time. I am going to further decorate that throne with their own hearts. They threw me to the wolves without second thought but little they knew. I came back, leader of the pack. I came back changed, different,  The big void which existed inside you opened up. I came back possessed, possessed by power and blood. My faith is gone, my patience exhausted. As I said, apocalypse is coming and I am War, I am Death, I am the one who will conquer everything.  This void became my best friend, this demon inside me became my ultimate power and I am not willing to give them up. I don't want to be cured, I don't want to be saved. The other me is long gone. He died that day. The day they threw me in the wolves and watched me getting eaten alive. They thought I died and they were almost right. Nobody expected something dark was about to crawl out of me.  The mirrors are starting to whisper as I walk past them. The shadows are fading as I come closer. Can you tell what is going to happen from the look in my eyes or is it darkness all you can see?  I guess that's what you get. Karma is a bitch sometimes. You act dark and darkness comes right back at you. You can ask for help, you can scream as much as you want darling but no one is going to hear you, especially with my hand on your neck. Oh, the joy of getting strangled by the words you left unspoken. These same words that have been strangling me all those years. I would ask you how does it feel. I would ask you if it's nice dying slowly and painfully but you can't talk right know, so I'll be understanding and wont ask anything. You could take all my pain away, you could stop me from becoming this mindless, bloodthirsty monster I've become but you just had to be the one who killed me in the first place. I would spare you but looking at your lifeless eyes is so exciting. This rush in my body telling me to keep going, convincing me to eat you alive. It's not my fault darling so don't hate me. Humans are carnivores and as a carnivore all I want to do is devour. We will see each other again. I, eventually will go back to where I belong, back to my throne and you can be my corpse bride. You can be my dead queen. Do you see now? It was a favor. You can have all the souls you want. All the despair you can get, everything you can eat. You are a carnivore too right? You devoured me from the inside out so don't be scared, I will be by your side very soon, I just have some business to attend elsewhere first.