Tuesday 17 November 2015

Gravity

After all these years, after all this time..You are still on my freaking mind. The ghost of you, haunting every little corner of my fucked up mind once again. I couldn't sleep last night because of you. I wish I could tell you that. I wish you were here once again however wishing is not gonna do the trick. I'm walking on the road. It's raining so heavy but for some reason I'm happy. I remember that one time we were outside while it was raining and you were so cold. Your lips had a deep purple color as if you were dead. You were shaking and I had no jacket to give you. So I gave you my sweater. I didn't care about me at all. Everything I've ever done was for your good. You were cozy inside that sweater and I had fever after a few days but I was happy. You hugged me and thanked me. Smiled at me. I wish I could remember your smile. The only thing I have left is the mark that smile left on me. I lit up my cigarette and  kept on walking through the heavy rain. The wind was howling like a wolf and blowing my hair back, messing them up. After some time I stepped in the cafeteria we used to hang out for a drink. Usually I search for you every time I come but it has been 2 years now and I gave up. I sat down and ordered a french coffee with hazelnut flavor. This coffee always reminds me of you. I could almost feel you being next to me, talking to me. Who am I kidding, I thought as I sipped my coffee. I was alone. I rolled and puffed another cigarette. I exhaled and watched the smoke flying high. I lower my head as I hear the little bell on the cafeteria door ringing. It was you. I was shocked. Time froze again, like the first time I ever laid my eyes on you. Everything went slow-mo suddenly. My heart was beating fast, so fast I though I was gonna explode. My chest was heavy, heavy from the things I wanted to tell you all these years. I felt your gravity pulling me towards you again. I missed that gravitational pull you had on me. However, I knew that I could not come near you. I am stronger than before. Stronger than the last time we spoke. The last time you killed me. I was reborn or at least I thought so until you looked at me. Those fucking eyes of your's. Those black eyes could swallow stars and galaxies. What hope did I have? When you stared inside my soul. You smiled at me, like you knew what you have done. The damage that stare caused. You sat at the table right next to me. The cafeteria was empty and you chose to sit next to me. Oh the mind games. It's on missy, I thought and smiled back at her. My cigarette had burnt itself up. I tried to roll another one but my hands were shaking. I couldn't control my self. What the hell are you doing Nick? Stop being weak, she has no power over you, not anymore. I was proven wrong one second later, when she came and sat on my table. I couldn't feel my legs. I was numb all of the sudden. She said hi and I couldn't even speak. I swallowed that lump in my throat and asked her how she was. I was watching every move she made closely. I was still loving her more than everything but I couldn't trust her. So many questions in my mind. What the hell she wants? Is this another devious trap? As I stared right into her eyes I saw all the pain I have caused. She was missing me like hell too but she couldn't say it out loud. How could she? She had a new boyfriend now but I could see the pain. I was the one who knew her better than anyone. I could see every feeling she had inside her heart just by looking in her eyes. No gravity, no traps, just regret pain and love. I didn't say anything. It wouldn't matter anyway. What is done, is done. No restarts and rewinds. Life is not a game unfortunately. We talked a little, she told me she was studying psychology and I told he I was going to England to study law. She was happy about me but for some reason I hated the fact she was happy. I wanted to tell me that she wants me to stay here. I wanted her to tell me that she missed me. I was angry and selfish but that's love. I stood up ready to leave with my cigarette on my mouth. She stood up too and with a sudden move she took the cigarette off my mouth and threw it on the floor and she hugged me. She hugged harder than ever. Harder than when we were together. My body was filled with her feelings through a hug. The thing is that....I suddenly went empty. I didn't hugged her back. I just patted her shoulder and looked at her. Her eyes were different. She was like the first time she saw me. I was confused. Her eyes were yelling: ''I'm in love with you''! Until we meet again I said and left. My body was numb. Why the hell I didn't hug her? What is wrong with me? I know I love her and still I rejected her hug. I rolled another cigarette to think about all these and stop panicking. It was still raining. I stopped and closed my eyes. I wanted to get lost into my feelings. Unfortunately.....I woke up.

 I found myself  trying to form your image for one more time. It has been so hard to live without you...All these years, trying to feel something for someone. Trying to fake smiles and feelings. It has been so long since the last time I saw your face, your curly hair, your beautiful smile and that body of your's. All that I can see is a faded image of you....Distorted and broken in pieces. I'm good at puzzles though, also this is a puzzle I need to fix again. I got bored of feeling empty. I got sick of feeling a big void inside my chest. A hole which is dark and consumes my feelings everyday. A hole that you created.....but it's alright.
After all, you are the one for me. You always was and you will always be.
 I'm still trying to fabricate you into reality, make you mine again and once more I fail. I cant remember your face, I cant recall the sound of your voice anymore. I'm afraid that you will fade away and the hole will become even bigger. Please don't give up on me, I say as my soul starts shaking. I take some big breaths and relax. I need you to come back darling. I miss you. This madness, this darkness, this love of your's.
I am lost without you, you should know that by now. I guess that you don't care about that after all.
Are you still there? It seems that I cant remember you so please for the love of god....
Remember Me.

Thursday 5 November 2015

..and the story continues

Reality hit hard, now she back home. she crashed and burnt in scolding flames as she realised the mess she made of things.. the pain she caused, cause she was in pain. The bubble burst with a loud 'puff' as she slowly came to terms with mistakes she has made. Flashbacks of shameful drunken angry bursts at everyone who spoke to her came to her mind. She closed her eyes and wished the images to be a lie. But they were real, and it was time to face the consequences of her actions. Making amends one by one for the people she lost in the fires of the hell she was in. The numbness slowly subsided, like waking up from deep slumber or the affect of painkillers fading slowly returning the feelings back to her body. A complicated jumble of feelings and memories and people.. her head was buzzing with an overload of information.. one by one she tried to rebuild the bridges she burnt. It was hard labour. Some people were still stubbornly there in her life no matter what she said to them in the past. Her best friend for example, that girl was an angel in disguise, her own guardian angel, she always managed to pull her back up to the surface just when she felt she had no breath left. That girl, she owed so much to. How could she ever begin to repay her? That girl..she could never imagine a life without her in it. The only one who could ever accept her for all her flaws , even when there were so many.. who would put up with her tantrums and bursts of anger. She forgave her at once for her unjust behaviour and for that she was ever so grateful.
Other people who drifted and left from her life she was thankful for. As this was a year of many revelations, many didn't deserve to be there in the first place. Back stabbing friends and lying lovers. There were oh-so-few left with a place in her life and her heart. Friends that became best friends, friends that were far away maybe in another country but we're there to cheer her up and console her making it seem as if they never left. And for others she felt sorry, for those who met her at her worst of moments in life, for those she gave hope to in vain, and hurt for she was pain, for those she let fall in love with her thinking she may feel the same, but pushed away when she didn't. Regret set in her heart for them who got caught in the crossfire.
And then there was 'him'. That one special person somewhere in between being a friend and something more who was neither in her life nor out of it. A phantom that every now and again hunted her mind leaving her restless. Although she had no idea how she felt for him at this point, she new she cared for him. He was one of those people, who no matter how much times goes by or how long you haven't spoke to them for every time you see them it's like not a day hasn't gone by. You can talk and laugh and be stupid as if it was only yesterday you last saw them. And they did. And she missed that. As he was one of the few who knew her so well. And she looked at him and saw a version of herself long lost, a version she was desperately trying to hold on to. And she clung to that even though it's wasn't him she was really trying to cling to she did, trying to be her same old self. But the anger she had pent up in her, the disgust she felt for herself, the self respect that was long lost.. all those fucked up feelings created inside her made her twist a lot of things in her mind. She twisted him and what he offered,  desperately trying to get that anger out, she pinned it all on him, found the excuse she was looking for, and turned it around to make it his fault and she took it out on him, and she made him her punching bag, and she spoke to him so badly filling him up with lies in one of her drunken stupors going crazy out of rage that in reality was not directed at him, and as that night went on and she drank her anger in shots of vodka, and that anger swelled up as they put their filthy hands on her and pulled her closer, and she pushed herself away, desperate, feeling cheaper by the minute, she burst, going crazy, literally crazy at him God knows with what excuse just to make herself feel better. And it worked, for the smallest of moments it worked, blaming someone else, him, for her own mistakes actually worked. She felt relieved. Until the buzz wore of and it all came crashing back the next morning. The moment she realised she lost a person who no matter what was there in a way, whom she'd fought with so many times in the past but managed to never truly say goodbye to despite the time they spent apart and all the fights and all the things she said to him. She had just managed to make him despise her and she had just managed to lose him for good. And at first she thought it better, but he haunted her dreams.. left her restless.. she couldn't let it go.. there was a constant nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach that didn't let her find the peace she needed. But she couldn't find the way to make up for her mistakes,  She couldn't find the way to talk to him, she couldn't find the way to let him know the reasons for her outbursts. And she tried to let it go and pushed it to the furthest corner of her mind but it kept coming back. And she needed to apologize and she needed to make him understand, and she needed to talk to him in person and for once be truthful about her own mistakes instead of blaming him for his. But she couldn't find the way and he would never want to hear it after all she had blamed him for, after all the things she said to him.
He was the only amend she was unable to make so far. One of her biggest regrets was taking it out on him after taking it out on her closest of friends.
A routine was setting in, things were slowly falling back into place for her, winter was setting in, the weather getting colder as her heart was getting warmer once again. Shameful images and bad memories were fading tough still haunting her for what she let herself become. She fought to resurface  against the currents that were pulling her down.She hoped now only for forgiveness for those she lost faith in and who lost faith in her, to gain back their respect as she learned once again to respect herself.
And the story continues as one chapter finished and another begins.