Gravity

After all these years, after all this time..You are still on my freaking mind. The ghost of you, haunting every little corner of my fucked up mind once again. I couldn't sleep last night because of you. I wish I could tell you that. I wish you were here once again however wishing is not gonna do the trick. I'm walking on the road. It's raining so heavy but for some reason I'm happy. I remember that one time we were outside while it was raining and you were so cold. Your lips had a deep purple color as if you were dead. You were shaking and I had no jacket to give you. So I gave you my sweater. I didn't care about me at all. Everything I've ever done was for your good. You were cozy inside that sweater and I had fever after a few days but I was happy. You hugged me and thanked me. Smiled at me. I wish I could remember your smile. The only thing I have left is the mark that smile left on me. I lit up my cigarette and  kept on walking through the heavy rain. The wind was howling like a wolf and blowing my hair back, messing them up. After some time I stepped in the cafeteria we used to hang out for a drink. Usually I search for you every time I come but it has been 2 years now and I gave up. I sat down and ordered a french coffee with hazelnut flavor. This coffee always reminds me of you. I could almost feel you being next to me, talking to me. Who am I kidding, I thought as I sipped my coffee. I was alone. I rolled and puffed another cigarette. I exhaled and watched the smoke flying high. I lower my head as I hear the little bell on the cafeteria door ringing. It was you. I was shocked. Time froze again, like the first time I ever laid my eyes on you. Everything went slow-mo suddenly. My heart was beating fast, so fast I though I was gonna explode. My chest was heavy, heavy from the things I wanted to tell you all these years. I felt your gravity pulling me towards you again. I missed that gravitational pull you had on me. However, I knew that I could not come near you. I am stronger than before. Stronger than the last time we spoke. The last time you killed me. I was reborn or at least I thought so until you looked at me. Those fucking eyes of your's. Those black eyes could swallow stars and galaxies. What hope did I have? When you stared inside my soul. You smiled at me, like you knew what you have done. The damage that stare caused. You sat at the table right next to me. The cafeteria was empty and you chose to sit next to me. Oh the mind games. It's on missy, I thought and smiled back at her. My cigarette had burnt itself up. I tried to roll another one but my hands were shaking. I couldn't control my self. What the hell are you doing Nick? Stop being weak, she has no power over you, not anymore. I was proven wrong one second later, when she came and sat on my table. I couldn't feel my legs. I was numb all of the sudden. She said hi and I couldn't even speak. I swallowed that lump in my throat and asked her how she was. I was watching every move she made closely. I was still loving her more than everything but I couldn't trust her. So many questions in my mind. What the hell she wants? Is this another devious trap? As I stared right into her eyes I saw all the pain I have caused. She was missing me like hell too but she couldn't say it out loud. How could she? She had a new boyfriend now but I could see the pain. I was the one who knew her better than anyone. I could see every feeling she had inside her heart just by looking in her eyes. No gravity, no traps, just regret pain and love. I didn't say anything. It wouldn't matter anyway. What is done, is done. No restarts and rewinds. Life is not a game unfortunately. We talked a little, she told me she was studying psychology and I told he I was going to England to study law. She was happy about me but for some reason I hated the fact she was happy. I wanted to tell me that she wants me to stay here. I wanted her to tell me that she missed me. I was angry and selfish but that's love. I stood up ready to leave with my cigarette on my mouth. She stood up too and with a sudden move she took the cigarette off my mouth and threw it on the floor and she hugged me. She hugged harder than ever. Harder than when we were together. My body was filled with her feelings through a hug. The thing is that....I suddenly went empty. I didn't hugged her back. I just patted her shoulder and looked at her. Her eyes were different. She was like the first time she saw me. I was confused. Her eyes were yelling: ''I'm in love with you''! Until we meet again I said and left. My body was numb. Why the hell I didn't hug her? What is wrong with me? I know I love her and still I rejected her hug. I rolled another cigarette to think about all these and stop panicking. It was still raining. I stopped and closed my eyes. I wanted to get lost into my feelings. Unfortunately.....I woke up.

 I found myself  trying to form your image for one more time. It has been so hard to live without you...All these years, trying to feel something for someone. Trying to fake smiles and feelings. It has been so long since the last time I saw your face, your curly hair, your beautiful smile and that body of your's. All that I can see is a faded image of you....Distorted and broken in pieces. I'm good at puzzles though, also this is a puzzle I need to fix again. I got bored of feeling empty. I got sick of feeling a big void inside my chest. A hole which is dark and consumes my feelings everyday. A hole that you created.....but it's alright.

After all, you are the one for me. You always was and you will always be.

 I'm still trying to fabricate you into reality, make you mine again and once more I fail. I cant remember your face, I cant recall the sound of your voice anymore. I'm afraid that you will fade away and the hole will become even bigger. Please don't give up on me, I say as my soul starts shaking. I take some big breaths and relax. I need you to come back darling. I miss you. This madness, this darkness, this love of your's.

I am lost without you, you should know that by now. I guess that you don't care about that after all.

Are you still there? It seems that I cant remember you so please for the love of god....

Remember Me.