..and the story continues

Reality hit hard, now she back home. she crashed and burnt in scolding flames as she realised the mess she made of things.. the pain she caused, cause she was in pain. The bubble burst with a loud 'puff' as she slowly came to terms with mistakes she has made. Flashbacks of shameful drunken angry bursts at everyone who spoke to her came to her mind. She closed her eyes and wished the images to be a lie. But they were real, and it was time to face the consequences of her actions. Making amends one by one for the people she lost in the fires of the hell she was in. The numbness slowly subsided, like waking up from deep slumber or the affect of painkillers fading slowly returning the feelings back to her body. A complicated jumble of feelings and memories and people.. her head was buzzing with an overload of information.. one by one she tried to rebuild the bridges she burnt. It was hard labour. Some people were still stubbornly there in her life no matter what she said to them in the past. Her best friend for example, that girl was an angel in disguise, her own guardian angel, she always managed to pull her back up to the surface just when she felt she had no breath left. That girl, she owed so much to. How could she ever begin to repay her? That girl..she could never imagine a life without her in it. The only one who could ever accept her for all her flaws , even when there were so many.. who would put up with her tantrums and bursts of anger. She forgave her at once for her unjust behaviour and for that she was ever so grateful.
Other people who drifted and left from her life she was thankful for. As this was a year of many revelations, many didn't deserve to be there in the first place. Back stabbing friends and lying lovers. There were oh-so-few left with a place in her life and her heart. Friends that became best friends, friends that were far away maybe in another country but we're there to cheer her up and console her making it seem as if they never left. And for others she felt sorry, for those who met her at her worst of moments in life, for those she gave hope to in vain, and hurt for she was pain, for those she let fall in love with her thinking she may feel the same, but pushed away when she didn't. Regret set in her heart for them who got caught in the crossfire.
And then there was 'him'. That one special person somewhere in between being a friend and something more who was neither in her life nor out of it. A phantom that every now and again hunted her mind leaving her restless. Although she had no idea how she felt for him at this point, she new she cared for him. He was one of those people, who no matter how much times goes by or how long you haven't spoke to them for every time you see them it's like not a day hasn't gone by. You can talk and laugh and be stupid as if it was only yesterday you last saw them. And they did. And she missed that. As he was one of the few who knew her so well. And she looked at him and saw a version of herself long lost, a version she was desperately trying to hold on to. And she clung to that even though it's wasn't him she was really trying to cling to she did, trying to be her same old self. But the anger she had pent up in her, the disgust she felt for herself, the self respect that was long lost.. all those fucked up feelings created inside her made her twist a lot of things in her mind. She twisted him and what he offered,  desperately trying to get that anger out, she pinned it all on him, found the excuse she was looking for, and turned it around to make it his fault and she took it out on him, and she made him her punching bag, and she spoke to him so badly filling him up with lies in one of her drunken stupors going crazy out of rage that in reality was not directed at him, and as that night went on and she drank her anger in shots of vodka, and that anger swelled up as they put their filthy hands on her and pulled her closer, and she pushed herself away, desperate, feeling cheaper by the minute, she burst, going crazy, literally crazy at him God knows with what excuse just to make herself feel better. And it worked, for the smallest of moments it worked, blaming someone else, him, for her own mistakes actually worked. She felt relieved. Until the buzz wore of and it all came crashing back the next morning. The moment she realised she lost a person who no matter what was there in a way, whom she'd fought with so many times in the past but managed to never truly say goodbye to despite the time they spent apart and all the fights and all the things she said to him. She had just managed to make him despise her and she had just managed to lose him for good. And at first she thought it better, but he haunted her dreams.. left her restless.. she couldn't let it go.. there was a constant nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach that didn't let her find the peace she needed. But she couldn't find the way to make up for her mistakes,  She couldn't find the way to talk to him, she couldn't find the way to let him know the reasons for her outbursts. And she tried to let it go and pushed it to the furthest corner of her mind but it kept coming back. And she needed to apologize and she needed to make him understand, and she needed to talk to him in person and for once be truthful about her own mistakes instead of blaming him for his. But she couldn't find the way and he would never want to hear it after all she had blamed him for, after all the things she said to him.
He was the only amend she was unable to make so far. One of her biggest regrets was taking it out on him after taking it out on her closest of friends.
A routine was setting in, things were slowly falling back into place for her, winter was setting in, the weather getting colder as her heart was getting warmer once again. Shameful images and bad memories were fading tough still haunting her for what she let herself become. She fought to resurface  against the currents that were pulling her down.She hoped now only for forgiveness for those she lost faith in and who lost faith in her, to gain back their respect as she learned once again to respect herself.
And the story continues as one chapter finished and another begins.