A piece of mind, heart, soul..

Meg Rosoff said "Your writing voice is the deepest possible reflection of who you are. The job of your voice is not to seduce or flatter or make well-shaped sentences. In your voice, your readers should be able to hear the contents of your mind, your heart, your soul.."
When I write, I write because I have to.. My mind is always in overdrive, the thoughts so many, they threaten to spill out.. I let them spill out, through the ink on the paper.. My deepest thoughts, my hidden feelings, my hopes and aspirations, my dreams, my disappointments, my pain and weaknesses.. All scribbled down in my weather beaten notebook..

For some it's hard to understand, the way writing comes so naturally, for me it's talking through my fingers.. I don't write, for others to like it.. I write for myself, for my own mental health, before my own thoughts drive me crazy.. I write to give someone a piece of my mind, my heart, my soul, in the only way I truly know how to..

The thoughts are getting crowded once again, so many problems, so many issues, so many choices, they're taking up to much space in my head.. There is this issue, in the back of my head, my thoughts about it jumbled and scattered, like pieces of a puzzle that has no shape.. You, you take up that space back there and confuse my mind even more.. I'm at a loss once again.. There is no logic in my actions once again.. I don't want to lose control though once again..

I'm at war with myself,a constant battle you see.. My brain is trying really hard to protect my heart this time.. Constant flashbacks of the past keep passing before my eyes.. The bad, the good and then the bad again.. As if my mind is trying to weigh out which memories are dominant.. They come in this order that's further confusing.. As if I'm trying to remember two different people.. and now I'm meeting a third one.. 

The one that held me with such tenderness, as If he was afraid I'd brake, who spoke words that could have been quoted out of a poem, who seemed to be in pain whenever he hurt me, whose eyes reflected all his feelings, feelings that were present and seemed so real, no matter how deep I looked into their beautiful blue depths.. With a smile of pure childlike innocence, but the the passion of a man.. A man who knows how to make you feel wanted, beautiful.. A strange combination of fiery impulsiveness, strength, so in contrast with his  heartbreaking sensitivity and vulnerability of a boy.. The one, who was as cold as a glacier in the freezing temperatures of Antarctica, who hurt you like it meant nothing to him, like a sadist, taking pleasure in your pain, who averted his look from your teary eyes, whose indifference came so naturally, who through words at you that hurt like daggers piercing your skin and going deep into the by now hollow space in your chest.. And the one who is something in between and at the same time someone completely different.. Who gives you something while giving you nothing and hides behind words with double meanings.. As if he's trying to balance between being someone and no one at all..

I'm still trying to figure out, if I can forgive a past which I cannot forget.. A past you don't think needs forgiveness, because you still don't know what you did wrong.. A past in which, you hurt my feelings, broke my heart, hurt my pride, ego with a list of actions not worthy of the feelings you so adamantly professed, in which you crumbled my trust and faith in you.. I'm still trying to figure out why my heart can't forget, what my mind seemingly had.. Why those feelings wont go away, after all this time, after all that happened, how could it be like a day hasn't gone by when I saw you again..? I'm still trying to figure out what I need, when my heart already knows what I want.. And now I have to also figure out which of these people you are right now..

I could be repeating the same story, or I could be writing ta new one.. The future is always unpredictable I know that much, things change in a flash, before you even have the time to process what happened..

I think and over think it's what i do.. I'm all or nothing it's how I am.. I do everything I do with all my heart.. You'd be surprised at how much faith I have in people, how much faith I had in you, it's who I am.. I'm don't think I'm capable of hating anyone, no matter what they do.. You may call me naive, oversensitive and stupid.. You may say I'm weak, because I broke, but I know I'm strong, because I put myself back together, because I never abandon those I care about, because I tried and tried my best, I don't give up.. I may be crazy, but that's my best feature, I dream hope and love like a child, truthfully, deeply, innocently and with endless faith.. I may be the hardest person to fall in love with and love, but it doesn't mean I'm less worthy of anything.. I'm worthy of as much as I give..

To you though I don't know what I'm worth.. In-between and indecision is what I get.. Things will fall into place as you say.. And I'm letting them do exactly that for now.. I tried to let go you many times, I thought about putting an end to this insanity..they say the people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander.. I'm curious to see how gravity will work this time, it's pulled us near many times in the past.. 

“Now do you understand why I'm interested in you? You're a locked door, sweetheart. You give no one a key and you never answer the door when anyone knocks...Ah, but sometimes, sometimes I get a peek through the keyhole and what I find there...It's like glimpsing you as you're stripping. Underneath all of that darkness is something hungry, something desperate, something, oh, so deliciously vulnerable.” (Tricia Owens)

Maybe now you'll understand more.. nevertheless, I write for you to be able to hear, my mind, my heart, my soul..