..as time goes by

Time goes by.. time flies by.. before you know it, winter has gone and it has come again.. and with it have come so many changes.. people keep saying how much can change in year.. we don't realise how much can change in a minute, a second.. a heartbeat is all it takes.. to fall in love or out of it.. to make a life changing decision.. to live to die.. Time flies, all of a sudden you wake up and you're all  grown up now, with real problems, a real life. And God you wish you could turn back time to when the scratches on your knees were the only thing that hurt.. cause everyone keeps pointing out the perks of being old enough to be independent, old enough to drink, to live alone, to smoke,  to have sex,  to stay out as late as you like, party as hard as you please. No one ever tells you how much growing up hurts.. Everyone tells you how wonderful it is to fall in love, no one tells you about that gaping hole that makes every breath painful.. No one is there to help you back up when you have fallen so low you can barely see the surface..
And when you have been broken? Who is there to put the pieces back together? ? You! Only you can do that, only you.. you pick up the pieces one by one cutting yourself again and again on their jagged edges while you glue yourself together.. just so you get broken again and again. So what are you supposed to do? Lock yourself in  a room and throw away the key in an effort to protect yourself?  Avoid anyone who could cause you heartache?  Are supposed to miss out on  all those wonderful moments , are supposed to miss out on life, just because you are afraid of a little or a lot of pain? And if you don't make mistakes how in the world are you gonna learn what is right? And if you never hurt how in the world are you going to appreciate the happiness that comes before? And if you are afraid of endings,  how are you going to experience those glorious beginnings?  But darling don't you know yet? Sunsets are proof endings can be just as beautiful as beginnings.. are you never going to watch the sun come out lighting the world around you.. feeling the warmth of  those first rays of sun on your skin.. never going to lose yourself in that feeling that a new day has dawned just because you can't bare the thought of seeing the sun hide away and the wold around you hide in the shadows at twilight? But that is no way to live honey.. you need one to appreciate the other.. every ending is a new beginning is disguise. Every fall is an opportunity to get back up even stronger..
And for the love of God life is so short and yet so precious. Why are you letting it pass you by? Why are loosing yourself in that awfully familiar pattern of denial? Why have you already lost your faith? Oh my dear.. but you are so young to have no faith! Have you no need to discover new beauties in life? Have you no need to loose yourself in New adventures?  No need to find a deeper meaning in your seemingly meaningful life? are you forever gonna live in fear of pain? Are you forever gonna push people away? Are you forever gonna avoid happiness in fear of sadness. Why.. don't you understand?  It's sadness that bring a joy!  Yes.. it's those years of sadness that constrict your throat and you can't speak, that make tears of happiness so much more exciting! ! It's those little moments that you are now letting pass you by that you will remember.. it's those looks that you exchange with that special someone.. it's that touch her or his touch that leaves your skin tingling.. the butterflies in your tummie when you lay your eyes on her or him.. those words reverberating in your head that put a smile on your lips.. oh that wonderful prospect of a new beginning.. those are the moments that are worth you while.. And if pain follows.. may it follow.. it's a lesson, not wasted time.. it's a memory not a mistake.. it's a choice that made you not a choice you made.. how can you close the door to love? How can you deny it from your life?  It gives you something to hold onto. Something to fight for. It brightens your dark days up.. lights up the shadows. Is it better to come home to an empty bed every night? Is it better to have no one to share your deepest fears a with? Is it better to let that feeling of loneliness and numbness seep in to your soul? Will you forever fill up the void, avoiding what you really want, with everyday tasks, with friends, with work, hobbies?  No! You have to live dear. Let go of that mistrust.  It's eating you up. You're going to miss out on every endearing moment of your life.. you aee going to hurt so many people you love.. sweetie don't you see? You are gonna hurt yourself more than anything.. because all you will ever know.. Is loss.. pushing everyone away.. punishing them for others mistakes.. hurting others cause you.. you are the one in pain..people, no matter how persistent or loving they are, are going to leave if you keep pushing them away..
You need to learn to loose yourself in them, not for them.. you need to learn to let go of the past and embrace the future...because it will pass you by in the blink of an eye.. until all you have in life is regret.. regret for what you lost before you even gain it.. and that is the most painful ending of all.. the what ifs that cut into you like knives.. the maybes that are like salt in your wounds.. those are the only regrets yo should have.. those are the only mistakes you have made.. not staying,  but passing by.. and that is what is going to hunt you until you loose your mind.. and that my sweetest is not a story worth telling.. and I.. I want to have a story worth telling.. I want to be brave enough to laugh at my mistakes,  be brave enough to be thankful for my hardships and the lesson I was taught from them.. I wanna be brave enough  to smile at my tears and I want to be able to say I was brave enough to do what I really wanted in my life.. for that will be my greatest accomplishment of all.. living my life to the fullest.. embracing my fears, overcoming them, instead of hiding in the corner..
Yes.. It hurts to lose, it's awful to feel  you have no control, but you have no control over life anyway.. so embrace it and work with it.. walk around the ditches, climb back up if you fall.. claw your way up if need be.. but don't for a moment think that you are doing well standing still.. don't for a moment think you are cheating pain, cheating life.. you are avoiding the simply unavoidable! The only difference is you have nothing to be proud of no Good memories to hang onto when the pain comes.. you just have the knowledge that, that something good that was banging on your door, the door you nailed shut is now somewhere else.. oh so far away from you.. out of your reach forever.. regret? Yes.. it's seeping from every pore in your body.. I hope it doesn't hurt forever.. but I'm scared.. I think it will..
So do a favour to your mangled heart and take a fucking leap of faith, take a freaking chance before it is too late.. Are you trying to patch your wounds up or leave them bleeding while taking the knife in your own hands and opening more? You are already starting to miss out on the meaning of life.. you have already lost thinking you gained. And you are about to loose so much more. So take caution. Take notice. Life may be a big test.. but if you fail.. you don't get a second chance at it..
So baby my advice?  Hurt and live to watch every new dawn, or hurt in vain afraid of the next sundown.. missing out on everything beautiful twilight in between.. see the ugliness to appreciate the beauty.. feel the loss to know what love means.. then and only then will you be able to say you have truly lived.. go mad for what you want in every aspect of your life.. don't think.. act on what you want even if you regret it later.. it's better to try and fail than not to try at all!!