Absent Soul Part II

People are people and they're allowed to make mistake but it's God's mistake when he made us to have the mind and strength to make mistakes. Good, evil, life and death. All become distorted when the shadows deepen. The facts become blurred. Guilt and innocence become intertwined. The glass stops being crystal clear. Jake started walking to the front door. Small, heavy steps telling a story of torture and loneliness. He walked in the garden and his bare feet touched the still watery soil. The coffee was letting off some steam and the newly lit cigarette was complimenting the steam with a smoke of its own. The sun was shining yet it was foggy outside. He could not see anything but himself. Life was reminding him that he was alone for good. Time is a good thing to have but too much time can drive you crazy and he had too much lately. The trees were dying one by one. Losing their leaves. Different branches, different paths with different memories all with different resolutions. So many choices, many things to see and he just stood there. He stood under the tree watching it growing and blooming. Wondering what choices he should make. Which choice is better, what endgame would better fit his character. He stood under the tree for so long, not being able to decide which branch he should take, afraid that if he took a certain path, he would lose all the other branches. Until the leaves fell and the tree died, leaving him all alone with no choice at all. There he stood, under the tree with smoke surrounding his face, questioning himself where and when. When did everything go wrong? Where would he be if his indecisiveness never existed in the first place? Unaligned and alone, he watched the tree dying in silence. His emotions suppressed. His eyes fixed on the black coffee he was drinking. Maybe it was the fact that he just realised his fate or maybe that he could not comprehend the consequences of his actions. He stared at his coffee blankly while watching his whole life falling apart little by little. He gripped his coffee cup tight in his hands full of anger and desperation. He turned, opened the front door and walked to the photograph filled room. On the wall there was a massive panel filled with strings and suspects, a ''murder board'' if you'd like and in the middle of it all, a photograph of the one he loved. The one he could not protect. The one he should have protected. His greatest choice and biggest mistake had a face and it was a beautiful one.

A pretty dress, blonde curls all over her shoulders and blue eyes to kill for. She was an avalanche in his already rocky life. A true flower which bloomed under dangerous situations and hardships yet died suddenly one rainy night. Margaret was the name of that flower. Day and night. Jacob and Margaret. Two people so different yet so same. So close yet so far. A great marriage and a night out gone wrong. A decorated detective obsessed with a case that was never solved. The case of his wife’s murder. The balance in his life was lost. The ship sunk and there was no going back. She was the one who could calm his nightmares at night. The captain of his ship.

‘’Tell me more about your wife’’. A calm voice stated.

‘’I-I just- I don’t want to..’’ Jacob said and his voice became high- pitched for a moment.

He sighed and continued talking. “We met at the police station. It was a busy day and I was drowning in paperwork. She walked in and time stopped. The bad lit station and the smell of piss and drugs disappeared. It was just me and her in a time loop. A time loop I wish it never stopped”.

The voice whispered, “Please continue”.

She came to file a domestic abuse report. She was badly beaten up yet she was overflowing with love” Jake said while resting his head on his hands. “I can’t do this anymore’’ she told me sobbing.

I tried to make her feel better. I brought her coffee from that old broken vending machine we had. The coffee was bad but that was all we had. She was grateful for that cup even though I could see her struggling. She started saying how all this was her fault and not her lover’s. Every word was making me more angry with a man I never knew. Her fragile porcelain-like body was badly bruised and I just couldn’t stand it. For some reason- something inside me was telling me to protect her. Protect her with my life. I arrested her stupid boyfriend and put him behind bars. With a record like his he served a long, long time in jail. I gave her my card so she could call me if anything happened. After four days she called me again. I was terrified. My mind went to dark places. I picked up the phone and  to my relief she was calling me to buy me some coffee in order to thank me. Obviously, I accepted the invitation without a second thought. We met in a small coffee shop but she was not there. I tried to ask the staff if anyone saw her and there she was, kneeling on the floor to re-stock the drinks. She was the owner of the coffee shop.

‘’Hey you!” She said.

I replied with a small nod.

‘’What can I get you?’’

“An americano” I replied

‘’One americano coming up!” She yelled with a smile on her face.

After the coffee was in my hands we started talking. I always was a more strong and silent type but oh boy that day we talked. We talked about everything. My past, her past, random things and she loved to tell jokes to cheer my grumpy face up. I was the only customer that day. It didn’t take a detective to see that her business was dying.

‘’What are you going to do if this place closes down’’? I asked with a serious face.

She stopped and her smile faded for a moment.

‘’I guess I will be homeless.’’ She stated, smiling even harder than before.

It wasn’t a fake smile. After working with criminals all day you can see through the fake kindness of people. Her smile was genuine. She was not afraid. For a control freak like me, this absence of proper planning in life was terrifying. They say that if something scares you, maybe you should do it. A bullshit rule for kids who want to do crazy things without thinking the consequences. An excuse in order to put yourself in danger- at least that’s what I thought it was until her smile blinded me. Maybe I should ask her out, I thought to myself. I should, I can do it.

My flow of thoughts were interrupted by her asking me out. I was surprised. I never thought I deserved any love whatsoever. As you get older and older and you find yourself sleeping and waking up alone every day-- you start wondering if something is wrong with you. In the end you actually believe it.

‘’Yes-Yes of course” I said, smiling like a kid with a bag full of candy.

She giggled while stroking her hair nervously. The funny thing with knowing how to read body language is that it is both a curse and a blessing. I didn’t want to mess things up before they even begin so I just pretended I did not see how nervous and shy she was.

I never stood a chance against her charms. I had feelings already but as always I hid them from her until I know it was mutual.

The next day was my day off. We went on a picnic at the nearby park. That morning was beautiful. Cherry blossoms falling slowly from the branches, sunny and pleasant. A warm air streaming through her blonde curls, messing them up just fine. The bright sun rays illuminating her blue eyes at the point they had a crystal blue color. Blue..Such a cold color yet her eyes were so warm when she looked at me. Her lips had a cotton candy shade of pink. She liked to lick her lips and twist her finger together. She kept pushing her blonde hair around the sides of her oval face as if she was wanting to hide behind it. Two thick eyebrows were shaped in a perfect arch that followed the slight curve of her eyes. She was eating a sandwich, staring at me and I couldn’t say a word. I was godsmacked and dazzled by her beauty.  Her every move was graceful and classy. My black and white world had colors after all this time. Trouble never seemed so fine and I was all about trouble. My days consisted by sleeping under cherry trees on beautiful days, drowning in the blue of her eyes and getting addicted to love. Love I never had. I felt quite lucky to be honest with you. Yet, as Murphy’s law states: ‘’When things are going good you probably mislooked something”. But how--How could I have known.

‘’That’s enough’’. The voice ordered.
Jake stood up and left slowly. His feet were tired by the chains of guilt. His heart--Heavy by the loss he never accepted. His walking patterns were unsteady. Like a kid who never got used to walk alone, without anyone holding his hand.