The subject of the past has been dancing around my mind for the past few weeks, the affect it may have on the present, the possibility of redefinition, whether the then is dead and buried, how close you can get to the fire without getting burnt, what ties to us to it, and what separates us also.
Many questions, but also many answers.
My past, may be a jumble of mistakes and wrong choices, but I don't have regrets! I never did, for it made me into who I am today. So many people who came into my life, others like a tornado, tearing everything apart, others as a lesson, others as a companion. Every single one of them had something to give and something to take.
Sometimes you make a choice and sometimes choices make you. Choices that toughen you, make or brake you, help or tear you, last or wither.
On the subject of love and old flames, sadly I can only talk about mistakes, whether they were the best or worst of my life. Mistakes I have no problem owning up to. There are things I did that I am not proud of, of course they are, they are times when I lost control of my self and the situation, times when I took crazy to the next level. Hey it was clear from the start, I am not the sanest of people under normal circumstances, so excusez moi, I must have missed the "how to handle a 'love triangle' gone wrong with your 'step-brother' while living together" guide, or the manual to "how to handle an over jealous over scared of losing you boyfriend" . Maybe I should of payed more attention in psychology, I skipped the seminar on bipolar and dissociative personality disorder. Because if you didn't know how to handle me, what makes you think I had any fucking idea how to handle you. Let me tell you people I had no fucking clue what was a going on in your pretty little heads, not the faintest!
The past always catches up with you, no matter how fast you run.
It took me a long time, but I have made up with it. It's not feelings tying me to it, it's memories. I choose not to forget, I am not angry and I am not spiteful. I am not biased.
I was wondering though about redefinition for a while, and why it is I can't seem to do that with a certain someone from my past. In all honesty, it may sound mean, but I really don't care whether I get to see you or talk to you ever again. I have done the whole goodbye for ever drama one too many times with you, I used to think it terrible, never is a strong word, nowadays, I just find it normal! The possibility doesn't really scare me, I realised a very long time it wasn't meant to be! Of course I also realised it was our own choice to make it an impossibility, but that is a different matter long forgotten.
Actions speak louder than words, and with that cliche I'll say your actions have spoken one too many times. Indifference being the loudest. I was content never to hear from you again, although sure I was very happy to. I may have thought for a second that we could even leave our past which was fifty shades of fucked up behind. Redefinition as I said. Sadly you never seem to change your petty view of me. I do wonder at times how it came to be so low but don't ponder on it too long. It's like going down the same old rabbit hole. Pointless. Now that feelings are long lost and burried deep, the only thing left is a damned physical attraction. But even that is an impossible task, the way your act ,your pouring ice cold water on a scorching fire! I always hear many words and no see any action, so to speak. I don't need any more of those, I've heard to many from u. When you want something, you take it, you don't ponder and stall. If you don't want it, you don't bother at all. Spontaneity can be a turn on. This on the other hand is like negotiating a meeting with the fucking prime minister. Time consuming and boring! Makes you regret the thought and curse the need.
It's a shame too, I liked you as a person before anything else, I won't go as far as saying as a friend but close enough. You never really cared to let me know you, although you knew a lot about me.
I guess the only thing I won't ever understand is why you would ever talk to me again! My past and I, never have had happy partings, ours was a blast of course. But I never bothered you again.
And I may have changed in many ways but I will always be me and you will always be you. I won't do the short hello, five minute coffee, talking to me only for a certain reason and even that only on your convenience thing again! I never was like that, it doesn't make less chilled, it makes less indifferent. I never was an indifferent person , I was always an all or nothing kind of person, and seeing as their is no guide on how to act with your exs', -although you never were really an ex for obvious reasons-, I was ok with calling it an almost friendship, a normal one, where this wasn't treated as a dirty little secret, or a bad thing. Normality, in whatever form it may come! Or I would of skipped that part and said screw it, screw him and be done. But meh, if it take a this much effort and thought for either choice, what's the point!
All in all, thinking of the past, visiting it and trying to go at it differently, I came to a conclusion. The past can be redefined in many ways. There are no rules or guides on how to handle it. People change, and then a lot of people stay the same. It's not enough to have a will and good intentions. A conversation isn't a conversation if there is only one person talking, it's a monologue.
It's a pointless circle that never ends otherwise. I circle that has already been broken. The same old record has stopped playing.
My past is always a part of me, I stopped running away from it a long time ago! Now there is a future ahead of me, a new start. What I want until then is to have fun! Nothing more and nothing less. I am not running after people from my past or my present any more. Whoever wants to talk to me, knows where to find me!I am who I am, I always will be, my craziness defines me and I'm content with myself. Whoever doesn't like that, isn't forced to tolerate it!
There there now, you only live once my dears, what's the point of living with regrets? Rather be called crazy then boring. Rather laugh at my stupidity than cry over the chances I missed. Live your life to the fullest, speak when you feel like speaking, laugh when you find something funny, cry when you need it, be crazy, be wild, be you. You don't get a second chance.
There is no need to force people in your life in any way, the are hundreds more to come. The people you want to stay behind, you shall leave behind, the only people worth your smile are the ones who bring it to your lips.
Your life will have the colour you give it. Be creative! There is a whole pallete of colours waiting to be used, don't restrict yourself to black and white!
Every dawn is a new day, every day a new chance to a colourful, crazy life! Take it, own it and don't let it own you!
Many questions, but also many answers.
My past, may be a jumble of mistakes and wrong choices, but I don't have regrets! I never did, for it made me into who I am today. So many people who came into my life, others like a tornado, tearing everything apart, others as a lesson, others as a companion. Every single one of them had something to give and something to take.
Sometimes you make a choice and sometimes choices make you. Choices that toughen you, make or brake you, help or tear you, last or wither.
On the subject of love and old flames, sadly I can only talk about mistakes, whether they were the best or worst of my life. Mistakes I have no problem owning up to. There are things I did that I am not proud of, of course they are, they are times when I lost control of my self and the situation, times when I took crazy to the next level. Hey it was clear from the start, I am not the sanest of people under normal circumstances, so excusez moi, I must have missed the "how to handle a 'love triangle' gone wrong with your 'step-brother' while living together" guide, or the manual to "how to handle an over jealous over scared of losing you boyfriend" . Maybe I should of payed more attention in psychology, I skipped the seminar on bipolar and dissociative personality disorder. Because if you didn't know how to handle me, what makes you think I had any fucking idea how to handle you. Let me tell you people I had no fucking clue what was a going on in your pretty little heads, not the faintest!
The past always catches up with you, no matter how fast you run.
It took me a long time, but I have made up with it. It's not feelings tying me to it, it's memories. I choose not to forget, I am not angry and I am not spiteful. I am not biased.
I was wondering though about redefinition for a while, and why it is I can't seem to do that with a certain someone from my past. In all honesty, it may sound mean, but I really don't care whether I get to see you or talk to you ever again. I have done the whole goodbye for ever drama one too many times with you, I used to think it terrible, never is a strong word, nowadays, I just find it normal! The possibility doesn't really scare me, I realised a very long time it wasn't meant to be! Of course I also realised it was our own choice to make it an impossibility, but that is a different matter long forgotten.
Actions speak louder than words, and with that cliche I'll say your actions have spoken one too many times. Indifference being the loudest. I was content never to hear from you again, although sure I was very happy to. I may have thought for a second that we could even leave our past which was fifty shades of fucked up behind. Redefinition as I said. Sadly you never seem to change your petty view of me. I do wonder at times how it came to be so low but don't ponder on it too long. It's like going down the same old rabbit hole. Pointless. Now that feelings are long lost and burried deep, the only thing left is a damned physical attraction. But even that is an impossible task, the way your act ,your pouring ice cold water on a scorching fire! I always hear many words and no see any action, so to speak. I don't need any more of those, I've heard to many from u. When you want something, you take it, you don't ponder and stall. If you don't want it, you don't bother at all. Spontaneity can be a turn on. This on the other hand is like negotiating a meeting with the fucking prime minister. Time consuming and boring! Makes you regret the thought and curse the need.
It's a shame too, I liked you as a person before anything else, I won't go as far as saying as a friend but close enough. You never really cared to let me know you, although you knew a lot about me.
I guess the only thing I won't ever understand is why you would ever talk to me again! My past and I, never have had happy partings, ours was a blast of course. But I never bothered you again.
And I may have changed in many ways but I will always be me and you will always be you. I won't do the short hello, five minute coffee, talking to me only for a certain reason and even that only on your convenience thing again! I never was like that, it doesn't make less chilled, it makes less indifferent. I never was an indifferent person , I was always an all or nothing kind of person, and seeing as their is no guide on how to act with your exs', -although you never were really an ex for obvious reasons-, I was ok with calling it an almost friendship, a normal one, where this wasn't treated as a dirty little secret, or a bad thing. Normality, in whatever form it may come! Or I would of skipped that part and said screw it, screw him and be done. But meh, if it take a this much effort and thought for either choice, what's the point!
All in all, thinking of the past, visiting it and trying to go at it differently, I came to a conclusion. The past can be redefined in many ways. There are no rules or guides on how to handle it. People change, and then a lot of people stay the same. It's not enough to have a will and good intentions. A conversation isn't a conversation if there is only one person talking, it's a monologue.
It's a pointless circle that never ends otherwise. I circle that has already been broken. The same old record has stopped playing.
My past is always a part of me, I stopped running away from it a long time ago! Now there is a future ahead of me, a new start. What I want until then is to have fun! Nothing more and nothing less. I am not running after people from my past or my present any more. Whoever wants to talk to me, knows where to find me!I am who I am, I always will be, my craziness defines me and I'm content with myself. Whoever doesn't like that, isn't forced to tolerate it!
There there now, you only live once my dears, what's the point of living with regrets? Rather be called crazy then boring. Rather laugh at my stupidity than cry over the chances I missed. Live your life to the fullest, speak when you feel like speaking, laugh when you find something funny, cry when you need it, be crazy, be wild, be you. You don't get a second chance.
There is no need to force people in your life in any way, the are hundreds more to come. The people you want to stay behind, you shall leave behind, the only people worth your smile are the ones who bring it to your lips.
Your life will have the colour you give it. Be creative! There is a whole pallete of colours waiting to be used, don't restrict yourself to black and white!
Every dawn is a new day, every day a new chance to a colourful, crazy life! Take it, own it and don't let it own you!
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