Forgiveness

Forgiveness..
'Forgiveness' I whispered the word to myself, tasting it's sound in my mouth. Forgiveness, what does that word even mean?
The gentle splash of icy water on my feet brought me out of my haze with a sudden halt. I looked down at the intruding wave just as it was safely retreating back into the deep dark sea. The mixture of sand and pebbles under my feet, was swept away, so they sank deeper into it. I took a step back and then another, onto the dry shore. Under my bare feet the sand was still warm from the sun, which had now been swallowed by the mountains, lost in the horizon. The fog was setting in, covering the ground like a white fluffy blanket, growing thicker and thicker as the minutes ticked by.
With a flickering flick, the street lights came to life and cast their gentle yellowish glow, which barely reached me on my desolate spot on the beach, The peaceful, rhythmic swooshing swoosh of the waves was disrupted by the constant buzzing sound of electricity.
The moon was dark, hardly visible in the overcast sky. The frosty breeze made my eyes water, the gloomy winter weather seemed to reflect my mood.
Your words reverberated in my head, 'I'm sorry, I'll try' . You're sorry? You're sorry you broke my heart my heart into a billion, trillion pieces and just kept smashing it? You're sorry for all the agonising nights I spent fighting to breath through the unbearable pain? Sorry for the endless tears that streaked my face day after day, night after night? For ruining my trust, for crumbling my faith?
I'm sorry, after all this time that's all you have to say, and just like that the word lost it's meaning.
I'll try you said. I'll try. And you disappeared. And all I wanted was for you to stay, and you left again, Without an explanation you just left me.
Big angry drops of water started splashing my face, as if in perfect synchrony with my tears, that now had nothing to do with the cold.
'It's you' ,  shouted into the nothingness of the abyss that lay ahead.
'It's always been you' I said , softer now, in a gentler voice, as I remembered, all those words of love, all the promises, all of your caresses, all those nights in your loving arms, all those days of joyful banter.
So why? why, why, why?
'WHY?' I screamed into the night, in painful agony as the sobs violently shook my body and I crumbled to the ground, holding my chest as if my heart would escape if I didn't. As if it wasn't hollow enough already. The rain was picking up now, soaking through my sweater, through my jeans, but I didn't care. So I sat there, knelt on the ground, crying, sobbing, shouting to myself, shouting to you, I sat for what seemed like ages, until the rain had soaked me through, and the clouds now ran dry and stopped to recharge.  The cold air ran through me like an electric shock, a shiver went up my spine, and then another rattling me to core. But I was beyond caring about such frivolous things as the elements that were now attacking me mercilessly.
Even mother nature's wrath is kinder than you. You who claims to love me, but constantly tries to brake me. You, who I gave my heart and soul to, you.
The darkness that surrounded me seemed to swallow me whole, consume me, nest and grow within me once again. The hollow void in my chest ached, the pain radiating through my body. The cold seeped into my bones. My tears ran dry and I looked ahead once again, only the white tips of the waves that swooshed and swayed in their constant rhythm were visible. Swoosh and sway they went, on and on, back and forth, they came and they left.
You left, when all I wanted was for you to stay, that, that was the only effort I needed from you! You just left, even though I screamed for you to stay.
'I don't forgive you' I whispered as I got to my feet,
'I never will' , I said before I turned my back and left, disappearing into the foggy night.