What if?

Love, hate, sadness, anger, envy, jealousy. Are they real or or are these feelings illusions that our small puny minds want to desperately believe? In order to be alive, in order to feel that you exist, that you belong somewhere. Soulmates and enemies. The feeling that out there somewhere, there is somebody for us. Waiting.....Craving our souls...Ready to change our lives...or destroy them. Everyone percieves feelings differently...In our own way. We always trying to block negative feelings, feel more optimistic. Do we really need optimism in our lives though? Do we need motivation to do simple everyday tasks, like work or exercise? Is everyone guilty or innocent? Maybe both...Maybe none of the above. Maybe everything, maybe nothing at all. I always believed that feelings are making us feel safe and unsafe at the same time. Making us feel happy and sad. Which is the greatest power in the whole universe? What can give you everything and then take them away from you? What can make you feel powerful at first and vulnerable as hell in the end? What can make mountains move?

The answer is...Love..Love can do all these things and even more. What if our love is hate for someone else? What if hate is love and love is hate? What is the difference between love and hate? If love can move mountains, hate can crush them. Do we feel hate when we see someone we love leaving us or is it love? Do we resent them or do we miss them? Whose fault is it? Does it really matter? Which one of all the bridges we burned in our way to love was the right one? Maybe it was the first one...the second one...maybe none..... Will we ever know..? I guess not. Can we live with that..? I guess so. Is the last time really the last time? Will there be ever another one? Are we going to travel to the stars or are we going to get burned on our way there? Do we deserve to get burned or do we want to get burned?  Why do we feel so small sometimes? Are we really small? Maybe...Maybe not.... So many questions...So little time..I guess that's what I get for not sleeping 4 days in a row. Paranoia at its finest. Overthinking every single thing. Every little detail. Everything is relevant and everything is irrelevant. Important and not important at all. Everything and nothing...An empty hole and a full moon. Maybe if we forget what we were told....Maybe we could live life easier..Without trouble and sadness, from another point of view..A brighter one, So bright that it could burn the whole world. What if we could see things differently..What if we could see through people? Would we be afraid, terrified, scared or happy? Why would we be afraid though? Everyone would be crystal clear..No lies, no secrets. A curse and a gift combined together. A world of honesty or a world of ignorance? What if balance did not exist? What if we could turn back time? What if we could fix our mistakes? I would definitely do that... Fix everything and everyone..Save the people I once loved...Save myself.....Time is the most valuable gift...You can produce money, fruits and everything you can imagine but you cant produce more time for yourself. Every second counts. Every little thing, every choice you make has an impact to your future self and future events. Butterfly effect they call it. Such a nice name for such a cruel theory.

I guess it's too late to turn back time. Too late to save them. Too late to save me. Nothing is stable in life. Everything comes and goes. Personalities changing in seconds, people going crazy over nothing and over everything. Over emptiness/over fullness. Desolation and exhaustion. Happiness and euphoria. Moving and not moving at all. Pride, ego and insolence. Reality and fantasy.

Life. The place where everything and nothing counts. Where the past, the present and the future collide. The place where there is no darkness but everything is dark. What is dark anyway.....The absence of light... So scary and not scary at all.... What if there was enough light for everyone.

What if we were happy everyday?

Όνειρα ή Στόχοι;

Ποτέ δεν κατάλαβα τι ακριβώς είναι να έχεις όνειρα. Να έχεις όνειρα  έλεγαν, να διαβάσεις για να τα κάνεις πραγματικότητα. Μα δεν υποτίθεται οτι τα όνειρα δεν είναι πραγματικά; Δεν υποτίθεται πως μένουν για πάντα ανεκπλήρωτα; Για αυτό δεν λέγονται όνειρα; Αν ήταν έτσι θα τα λέγαμε στόχους ή μήπως κάνω λάθος; Αυτή η ελληνική ιδεολογία του δούλευε μπάς και ζήσεις και ζήσε για να δουλεύεις με είχε δηλητιριάσει αρκετά μπορώ να πώ μέχρι που άρχισα την προετοιμασία της νομικής και κατάλαβα πως δεν υπάρχουν όνειρα. Υπάρχουν στόχοι. Η λέξη όνειρο χρησιμοποιείται ως τρόπος αποφυγής να κάνεις αυτό που πραγματικά θέλεις και τόσο καιρό φοβάσαι. Δεν γίνομαι επιθετικός μιας που και εγώ όνειρα τα έλεγα και εγώ ήμουν τρομαγμένος. Καινούρια χώρα, καινούρια ζωή, διαφορετική γλώσσα που όσο καλά και να ξέρεις ποτέ δεν θα την χρησιμοποιείς με την ίδια ευκολία, το άγχος των εξετάσεων και η αβεβαιότητα για το μέλλον. Όχι μόνο φοβόμουν, έτρεμα. Αλλά όπως είπα και πριν: Never give up ρε γαμώ. Γιατί; Γιατί έτσι. Γιατί μπορείς και θα το κάνεις. Γιατί οχι;

Ό καθένας έχει διαφορετικούς στόχους η όνειρα στην ζωή του αλλά όλα συναντιούνται σε ένα κοινό σημείο. Το σημείο αυτό πάντα το φανταζόμουν σαν μια μικρή κούκλα απο το SAW να με ρωτάει: Do you want to play a game? Σε αυτό το σημείο έρχονται άνθρωποι κάθε μέρα σε ολόκληρο τον πλανήτη. Imagine that.... Στοιχηματίζω πως δεν το είχες σκεφτεί ποτέ έτσι. Αν το είχες σκεφτεί τοτε καλως ήρθες στο κλάμπ της υπερ-ανάλυσης. Πίσω στο θέμα μας. Όταν έρθει ο καιρός για να απαντήσεις, σκέψου καλά. Αν είσαι λιγουλάααακι υπερ αναλυτικός σαν εμένα κάτσε σκέψου όλες τις πιθανότητες που μπορει το μυαλό σου να σκεφτεί, τα ρίσκα, τα υπέρ και τα κατά και κάθε πιθανό σενάριο που μπορεί να εκτυλιχθεί στις άπειρες παράλληλες διαστάσεις. Αν είσαι νορμάλ απλά σκέψου και ρώτα τον εαυτό σου. Αξίζει να είσαι στάσημος; Αξίζει να μην πέρνεις πρωτοβουλίες; Αξίζει να φοβάσαι; Να φοβάσαι το διάβασμα, την προσπάθεια, την σκληρή δουλειά; Αξίζει να μένεις εκεί απλά επειδή θέλεις να βγείς για καφέ αντι να πάς παραδείγματος χάρη στο γυμναστήριο ή κάπου αλλού; Γιατί να φοβάσαι την κούραση ενώ στο τέλος του δρόμου ίσως να βρίσκεται η ζωή που πάντα ονειρευόσουν;

 Και αν αποτύχω; Αυτή θα ήταν 100% η ερώτηση άμα μπορούσες να μου μιλήσεις και να ρωτήσεις πως μπορώ και αραδιάζω τέτοιες ασυναρτησίες χωρίς να ξέρω. Και αν αποτύχεις τι; Τι έγινε; Εκτος και άν είσαι ο πρόεδρος των ΗΠΑ και σου είπαν να μην πατήσεις αυτό το μεγάλο κόκκινο κουμπί και τελικά απέτυχες, τότε δεν έχεις πρόβλημα. Προφανώς και δεν θέλω να υπονομεύσω τους στόχους σου. Γιατί για σένα ο στόχος που έχεις ίσως να φαίνεται σαν το παραπάνω σενάριο και αυτό ακριβώς θέλω να θήξω. Δεν είναι έτσι. Έτσι φαίνεται. Φαίνεται έτσι γιατί υπάρχει στην μέση ο φόβος. Το θέμα είναι αν θα αφήσεις τον φόβο να νικήσει και να πνίξει άλλο ενα δικό σου όνειρο. Άλλο ένα πράγμα που κάνεις δεν παραδέχεται ποτέ είναι πως όλοι είχαμε μια ευκαιρία και ποτέ δεν κάναμε τίποτα λόγω του φόβου μας. Απο το πιο μικρό μέχρι το πιο μεγάλο. Απο το να μιλήσεις σε κάποιον που γούσταρες μέχρι και να απορρίψεις μια δουλειά. Απο  μια άλλη οπτική γωνία όμως, ο φόβος που πνίγει ελπίδες και όνειρα, ό φόβος που παραλύει το σώμα σου τόσο εύκολα, μπορεί απλά να ελεγχθεί και να είσαι εσύ στην άλλη άκρη. Να είσαι εσύ αυτος που πνίγει τον φόβο του και φέρνει στην επιφάνεια ό,τι του έχει κλέψει ο φόβος. Δύσκολο ακούγεται. Είναι όμως; Είναι τόσο δύσκολο; Να πιστέψεις σε εσένα; Να πιστέψεις πως ο άνθρωπος και συγκεκριμένα εσύ έχει την δύναμη να γίνει κάτι καλύτερο; Είναι τόσο δύσκολο να πιστέψεις πως αξίζεις κάτι καλύτερο; Hm...... I dont think so.... Η διαφορά που ξεχωρίζει τον καλό απο τον καλύτερο, είναι πως όταν και οι 2 φτάνουν σε ένα όριο ο ένας θα σκεφτεί πως αυτό είναι το όριο μου και ο δεύτερος απλά θα χαμογελάσει και απλα θα σκεφτεί πως το πραγματικό παιχνίδι τώρα αρχίζει. Τα όρια είναι απλά φανταστικοί τοίχοι που εμείς οι ίδιοι δημιουργήσαμε. Για να δείξουμε πόσο άνθρωποι είμαστε, πόσο ευάλωτοι και εύθραυστοι. Ο δημιουργός έχει μεγαλύτερη δύναμη απο το δημιούργημα, ποτέ το αντίστροφο. Η αποτυχία είναι ένα ακόμη βήμα στο να γίνεις καλύτερος, είναι μια ακόμη κίνηση που έχεις στο μυαλό σου, ένα λάθος προς αποφύγη την επόμενη φορά. Μετά απο πολλές αποτυχίες, την στιγμή που απλά θέλεις να πεις...Βαρέθηκα, σιχάθηκα, τα παρατάω και η ερώτηση ξαναέρθει και σε ρωτήσει αν θέλεις να προσπαθήσεις ξανά....Σκέψου... Πόσες κινήσεις ξέρεις; Πόσα λάθη θα αποφύγεις αυτή την φορά: Πόσο πιο ώριμος/η είσαι απο την προηγούμενη φορά; Πόσο πιο εύκολο........ Σαν να παλεύεις με έναν εχθρό που κάνει τις ίδιες κινήσεις. Έναν εχθρό που έχεις μελετήσει τόσο πολύ που δεν υπάρχει η παραμικρή πληροφορία σχετικά με αυτόν που να μην ξέρεις. Έναν εχθρο που απλά θα σπάσει μπροστά σου χωρις καν να τον χτυπήσεις. Και αναρωτιέμαι ξανά....Είναι τόσο δύσκολο όσο ακούγεται;

ΗΜΜΜΜΜΜΜΜΜΜΜ..............

Μια καινούρια αρχή

Όλοι περνάμε δυσκολίες. Κάπιοι μένουν κολλημένοι στο παρελθόν και άλλοι αποφασίζουν πως έφτασε η στιγμή επιτέλους να το αφήσουν πίσω τους. Μπορεί να ακούγεται εύκολο αλλά δεν είναι.
Συγκεκριμένα για μένα ίσως να είναι ότι πιο ψυχοφθόρο έχω κάνει τα τελευταία 5 χρόνια, 5 χρόνια γεμάτα αναμνήσεις και στιγμές, άσχημες, όμορφες, χαζές και μερικές φορές γεμάτες ψέμα. Όλες αυτές οι στιγμές όμως με έκαναν αυτό που είμαι σήμερα. Ίσως αυτό που είμαι να είναι κακό, ίσως και όχι. Το μόνο σίγουρο όμως είναι πως είμαι άνθρωπος, που μια στο τόσο στεναχωριέμαι.

Τον τελευταίο χρόνο διάβαζα σκληρά για να προετοιμαστώ. Λόγω κάποιων εξωτερικών ερεθισμάτων και πιο πολύ κάποιων εσωτερικών, όπως το όνειρο μου να γίνω δικηγόρος, αποφάσισα να γραφτώ σε ένα πρόγραμμα προετοιμασίας για την Αγγλία. Με τα πολλά, πολλά κατάφερα να περάσω στο πανεπηστίμιο που ήθελα και επιτέλους ήμουν χαρούμενος. Οχι επειδή θα φύγω, κανείς δεν θέλει να φύγει απο την χώρα του όσο και να μην ταιριάζει με την ιδεολογία της αλλά επειδή υπάρχουν πράγματα που απελπισμένα θέλω να αφήσω πίσω μου και τι καλύτερο απο μια αλλάγη χώρας. Dont get me wrong, προφανώς και δεν είναι αυτός ο κύριος λόγος που το άρχισα όλο αυτό. Δεν βασίζεις ένα όνειρο πάνω σε αναμνήσεις. Πόσο μάλλον αν αυτές είναι άσχημες. Απλά αυτό ήταν ένας παραπάνω λόγος να προσπαθήσω πιο σκληρά απο ότι θα προσπαθούσα αρχικά. Τώρα θα μου πείς...Γιατί είσαι ακόμα κολλημένος μετά απο 3 χρόνια στις κακές αναμνήσεις. Well...Είναι αρκετά δύσκολο να λείπουν άτομα απο την ζωή σου που χωρίς αυτά δεν θα μπορούσες να φανταστείς την ζωή σου. Πάντα μου την έδινε λιγάκι η ανθρώπινη φύση. Σε μια φάση της ζωής σου θα δεθέις με κάποια άτομα και θα νιώθεις πως χωρίς αυτά δεν είσαι τίποτα. Στην δεύτερη φάση τελικά φεύγουν και σε αφήνουν να αναρωτιέσαι ποια η αξία της ζωής και μετά μπαίνει στο παιχνίδι η ψυχολογία και το άρνηση/αποδοχή. Βέβαια μέχρι την αποδοχή υπάρχουν και άλλα βήματα αλλά εν τέλει φτάνεις εκεί που θέλεις. Ο καθένας τα περνάει διαφορετικά και σίγουρα όλοι θα το περάσουν. Τα πάντα είναι ρευστά ακομα και ο ίδιος μας ο εαυτός.

Πριν με πείς αρνητικό και πεσιμιστή να υπερασπιστώ τον εαυτό μου λέγοντας πως είμαι ρεαλιστής (ότι λέει κάθε πεσιμιστής ever) και πως ισχύει. Ο χειρότερος εχθρός μας συνήθως είναι το χαζό μυαλό που απλά δεν θέλει να αφήσει πράγματα. Αφήστε την καρδιά ήσυχη, δεν φταίει σε τίποτα. Το μεγάλο μάστερπλαν του μυαλού την έδεσε σε μια πλεκτάνη. Για να αποδεχθείς τα πράγματα τελικώς, πρέπει να ξεφύγεις απο την βαρύτητα μιας μαύρης τρύπας. Πιστεύω  όλοι έχουμε μια τέτοια, έρχεται σε διαφορετικές μορφές και κάποιες απο αυτές σε τραβάνε λιγότερο η περισσοτερο μέσα τους. Υπάρχει και το άλλο σενάριο που απλά αφήνεσαι μέσα τους και τα παρατάς (αισιοδοξία incoming), ΕΙΝΑΙ ΟΜΩΣ ΣΩΣΤΟ ΝΑ ΤΑ ΠΑΡΑΤΑΜΕ? Όοοοοχι βέβαια! Κάπου εκεί μπαίνει το εγωιστικό κομμάτι που σε κάνει να νιώθεις νευριασμένος/η ακόμα και για την γάτα που δεν κάθεται σωστά. Έτσι είναι η αποδοχή πιστεύω...Νευριασμένη. Νευριασμένη για όλα τα χρόνια που πήγαν χαμένα μέσα σε αυτή την τρύπα. Για όλα αυτά τα βράδια του χαμένου ύπνου, της στεναχώριας και της τρέλας. Για όλα αυτά τα βράδια που κοιτούσες το ταβάνι και του μιλούσες, λές και θα απαντούσε. Άρχες σχιζοφρένειας λέγεται αυτό φίλε/φίλη αναγνώστη/ια. Όλοι το έχουμε, κανείς δεν το παραδέχεται. Άλλοι μιλάνε στο ταβάνι, άλλοι στην τηλεόραση και άλλοι γράφουνε σε μπλόγκ και κάνουν και όλα τα προηγούμενα.
 
Η αποδοχή όμως αργότερα γίνεται ίσως απο τα πιο ομορφότερα συναισθήματα κατα την γνώμη μου. Αυτό το συναίσθημα της ελευθερίας, της ψυχικής ελευθερίας, της ανωτερώτητας, της λέξης επιτέλους είμαι καλά. Νιώθεις πως μπορείς να ανέβεις κάπου ψηλά και να βγάλεις λόγο για παγκόσμια ειρήνη και άλλα τέτοια ουτοπικά. Το πόιντ όμως είναι πως έτσι νιώθεις και ως γνωστόν ό,τι νιώθεις αντικατροπτίζεται προς τα έξω. Αυτοπεποίθηση και τα μυαλά στα κάγκελα με λίγα λόγια. Κάπου εδώ ξέρεις πως όλα θα πάνε καλά και αρχίζεις να προετοιμάζεσαι για τα επόμενα άσχημα που θα σε γονατίσουν. Η κλισέ φράση: Δεν μετράει πόσες φορές θα πέσεις αρκεί να σηκώνεσαι, μπορεί να είναι overused μέχρι αηδίας και να ακούγεται παντού αλλά είναι αρκετά αληθινή. Έτσι και εγώ έφτασα σήμερα...μετά απο 3μιση χρόνια να αποδεχθώ ό,τι έγινε και να προχωρήσω. Να βγώ απο την δικιά μου "κακιά" βαρύτητα που με κρατούσε κάτω και να την κοιτάξω με χαμόγελο σαν να μην έγινε τίποτα. Να την συγχωρήσω και να πώ εις το επανιδείν. Όταν μια πόρτα κλείνει, μια άλλη ανοίγει και η δικιά μου καινούρια πόρτα είναι ανοιχτή εδώ και καιρό και περιμένει να μπώ μέσα και να ανοιξω επιτέλους το φώς.

Science or philosophy?

Building our life around our cultural beliefs and mainstream ideas, we all like the romanticised ideas of love and life.. Everyone likes the concept of unconditional romantic love, love at fist sight, those deep feelings only getting stronger as time goes on, soul mates, fate.. What is love in reality..? A simple secretion of hormones in our brain.. The release of neurotransmitters that we translate as "love".. A necessary process for our species to survive.. The first stage of love is solely connected to our sex drive, oestrogen and testosterone are released, sex hormones which make us lust for someone.. Then neurotransmitters, adrenalin dopamine and serotonin are released.. Our palms sweating, our heart beating faster, the dry mouth are all caused by the increased level of stress which increase your blood level of cortisol and adrenalin.. Elevated levels of dopamine give you that feeling of pleasure, lessen the need for sleep and food..it actually has the same affect on the brain as having taken cocaine.. Serotonin, is what makes us think of the object of our affection non-stop.. Serotonin levels in newly love struck couples are eqiuivalent to low serotonin levels in OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) patients..As time goes on the attachment gets stronger, this is due to oxytocine and vasopressin.. Oxytocine, also known as "the cuddle hormone" is released during orgasm which is why consummating a relationship makes a couple feel closer..Vasopresin which is released after a sexual encounter is the reason for that deep devotion.. That is love according to scientists, broken down to hormones and chemical releases  in the raphe nucleus, ventral pallidum, nucleus accumbens and ventral tegmental regions of the brain..
Even time is an artificial construct, made up in our mind and put together in our basal ganglia.. Sadness can be caused by a neuorochemical imbalance..
Although neuroscience doesn't begin to comprehend the complexity of the human mind, it gives simple explanations of how and why we do a lot of the things we do.. A rational explanation to explain our irrational behaviour linked to strong emotions.. Rationally, the pain of heartbreak is all psychosomatic, simply put, it's all in our brain.. Why do we cry when we are in distress? When our brain registers feelings of sadness the endocrine systems is triggered to release ocular hormones which cause tears to form..
Mind over matter, think you're sad and in pain and you will be, free your mind and think you're happy and you are? Maybe that's all you need to do.. Maybe instead of trying to explain the inexplicable human nature, thinking rationally is all that is needed..Maybe breaking it all down to scientific mumble is a better way to deal.. No need to look deeper into the feeling behind it, you just look a bit deeper into your cerebrum, your parietal, occipital or temporal lobe.. It's all a matter of perception, how you chose to perceive the world around you.. asking deep philosophical questions about reality, love and life, rationalising everything and looking for the science, artistically flowing your way through life asking nothing and learning everything.. After all as Edgar Allan Poe said " All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream".. Reality, present past and future, time itself, are just words we have made up, to describe something with no real substance.. If all we perceive is a dream within a dream, isn't it our choice to wake up or keep on dreaming according to the life we want to live? Perception is a matter of choice, so in the same sense, reality is also a matter of choice.. It's an abstract concept , to be interpreted as it suits oneself.. Abstract concepts that you will stumble upon in life whether you choose to or not, no matter how you choose to interpret love for example, you shall feel throughout your life, but how you react to it or live it, is up to you.. 
What is love..? Philosophically and romantically speaking, it's a liberating feeling of fulfilment that everyone is searching for.. A concept to abstract to explain or put in words, unmeasurable, we try to measure it with actions.. An individual experience to every individual.. It's a deep rooted feeling that may start in your brain but you "feel in your heart".. It may not always be an everlasting feeling though, so you should share while you have it, you should cherish it, not let it perish.. You cannot hope for a flower to bloom without the sun or water, so why do you expect love to grow without care and devotion? Ignorance and disinterest shall kill the prettiest flower, the deepest feelings.. 
The here and the now, as artificial as they might be are will we have.. Whether they are a construct of our mind or not, it's where we need to live and love.. Don't leave for tomorrow what you can do today, what you can love today.. Action may end up killing Love not proving it.. words can cut deeper wounds than weapons.. 
Philosophy or Science, however you choose to perceive life and feelings, the best you can do, is live it when it comes.. let death be natural, don't bring it upon yourself or feelings..

..it was a sweet story nonetheless

So, once upon a time,not so long ago,  there was a girl and there was a boy.. and they met, and they clicked, and maybe they even really fell in love, maybe they even loved each other at some point.. but the boy, he loved someone else more.. and the girl, she made all the wrong decisions, instead of walking away, she walked right into him..and when she did, she couldn't find her way out again..Maybe you could say that was the beginning of a fairy tale, it was a sweet story nonetheless.. The boy, he was cute as a button, he was so different from the "night in shining armour" she'd imagined, but he came sweeping in like a prince of one of those fairytales.. He said nice things, and acted sweet, that much he did, he had a way of saying things without speaking, not through actions necessarily, through..gestures expressions.. So different.. And the girl, she just fell head over heels.. Maybe he did too..when?? she didn't even know.. maybe it was gradual, maybe little by little he pulled her in, or maybe it was the first time she met him.. That remains a mystery to her..
So, the boy and the girl.. they got closer, they got to know each other, but not in a traditional way, they went back and forth from strangers to something more than friends again and again, but still
“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”
(― Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility )
and just a few weeks, or maybe a few months were enough for them to know each other well enough.. Intimacy came easily, comfortable silence, looks of affection, they all came so easily.. Easily enough for them not to think rationally anymore.. And that's when shit happened, and they got too close, to intimate, and that's when the boy had to make some hard choices, it was time for him to go, but the girl, she couldn't understand those choices, or the hardships he went through when he made them, at first, so she made mistakes, many of them, stuck in this endless circle of blame and anger.. She acted selfishly, she did that a lot for a long while, she tried to hold on, she tried to let go, she tried being angry and tried being forgiving.. she tried moving on.. She tried blaming him, which worked for a while.. until she saw her own mistakes reflected.. By the time he came back, they were both different people, but she still saw some affection in his eyes, surely more than some affection in her eyes.. maybe some of their mistakes had been forgiven.. But that lasted only for a little while, for the boy left again, this time she smiled at him when he left.. But those two, those two and their characters, such opposed characters yet so much the same,  they clashed again and again as they went, that must be when things started to fall completely apart, as they fought and they said things neither could take back.. more pieces broke off every time, until there was nothing more to brake, nothing more to lose.. It was a sweet story nonetheless..
They both knew what they had done wrong by now, though neither admitted it truly.. They both knew, that chance they had..? it was one in a million, and one in a million takes so much effort, effort they never put into it.. maybe it just wasn't meant to be.. The girl, she never managed.. to make him feel as she felt, she managed to make him fight.. The boy, he just chose to act as if he didn't care at all again and again.. Maybe he ended up not caring anyway..maybe it was her fault, maybe it was her faults, maybe it was him, maybe the both of them.. who knows.. who ever will..? neither tried all that hard that was for sure.. Somewhere along the way, maybe some feelings were lost, maybe they faded away in all their time apart.. Maybe they didn't have enough passion, maybe they didn't have enough love for each other.. or maybe just maybe they did.. who knows.. who ever will..?
Now there was nothing left to do..The boy.. he never forgave nor forgot her mistakes.. he blamed her.. the girl.. she blamed them both I guess.. torn between who was more at fault.. The truth? who knows..? who ever will..?
Now there was nothing left to do.. it was the end of the road you could say.. All the girl could do was say.. "sorry".. and quit.. all the boy could do.. was speak the truth and end it for good.. Once upon a time, not so long ago.. you could of said.. " you never know with these two, you never know".. now the time had probably come when you could know for sure.. the time had come, and there was nothing else to do, than say I'm sorry and goodbye.. even when distance was not between them anymore, even when the boy came back, the will to see the girl, the will to see the boy, maybe it was lost.. Maybe all that's left is ashes as the fire burned everything in it's way.. There was nothing left for the girl to say other than "thank you, for all the lesson, for all the memories, for all the moments" , there was nothing left for the boy to say than "I feel nothing no more, I'm sorry".. admittance of their mistakes, forgiveness of those mistakes, that was the only way now..Their story was unique that much was for sure.. Unique just like them..
It was a sweet story nonetheless, it was one in a million, maybe it could of even been  fairytale..!! who knows..? who ever will..?
The end?

..adversity..

I should have known it once again, there is no better way for me to speak then through my fingers.. I should have written from the start.. But I shall start ,not with my own words, but with words written a long time ago..

Can our love persist otherwise than through sacrifices, than by not demanding everything? Canst thou change it, that thou are not entirely mine, I not entirely thine? Oh, God, look into beautiful Nature and compose your mind to the inevitable. Love demands everything and is quite right, so it is for me with you, for you with me — only you forget so easily, that I must live for you and for me — were we quite united, you would notice this painful feeling as little as I should . . .
. . . We shall probably soon meet, even today I cannot communicate my remarks to you, which during these days I made about my life — were our hearts close together, I should probably not make any such remarks. My bosom is full, to tell you much — there are moments when I find that speech is nothing at all. Brighten up — remain my true and only treasure, my all, as I to you. The rest the gods must send, what must be for us and shall.

Even in bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved, here and there joyfully, then again sadly, awaiting from Fate, whether it will listen to us. Yes, I have determined to wander about for so long far away, until I can fly into your arms and call myself quite at home with you. You will get over it all the more as you know my faithfulness to you; never another one can own my heart, never — never! O God, why must one go away from what one loves so. Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest at the same time. At my actual age I should need some continuity, sameness of life — can that exist under our circumstances? Angel,  be calm — love me — today — yesterday.
What longing in tears for you — You — my Life — my All — farewell. Oh, go on loving me — never doubt the faithfullest heart
Of your beloved
L
Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.

( Ludwig van Beethoven.. )

Words of such sentiment, you could dare too describe them as overly romantic, overly sentimental or extremities, yet in those words, words that may also touch your soul, there is a perfect description of love, yearning, desire, sadness and happiness all mixed in one letter.. It manages to describe the perplexity of human relations.. Love is always a bittersweet feeling.. It may fill you up or leave you empty.. Oh it may bloom like a flower in spring, beautiful and fresh.. It can not be seen, like the soft cool breeze that brushes against you and makes the hair on your neck stand up, or the familiar sense of the sun warming your skin, it can only be felt..
But it is also an emotion of no sense, no logic.. One that makes you question your own sanity.. It may bring out the worst or the best in you..
Nevertheless, you cherish what you love while you have it, for it may not be around forever.. You adapt, you compromise, you accept all flaws and mistakes for they expect yours as well.. And you fight, oh you fight with all you're might, for it is a feeling worth your time..
You should treat it like you would a flower.. A rare flower at that.. You should pay it the attention it needs, like you would water a flower to grow.. For ignorance is like poison to it.. the petals start falling one by one to the ground..
And like there are a million types of flowers, there are also a millions kinds of love..You shouldn't judge any of them, they all come from deep within ones heart.. You should remember "The flower that blooms in adversity, is the most beautiful and rarest of them all".. The is a beauty in being different, there is a beauty in being able to love in your own way.. There is a beauty in adversity, in being yourself and being ever so proud of that.. "Madness is genious, Imperfection in beauty, and I would rather be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.." (M. Monroe) And there is beauty in being aware of your flaws and excepting them, excepting exactly who you are, for only then no ones judgement can affect you.. And to those who chose to judge you and see only flaws and mistakes.. quoting M. Monroe again.. "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times I.'m hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.." 
Treasure imperfection, learn from your mistakes, be true to who you are and if you can't make a big leap, take little steps.. Have faith in people who have faith in you, they might love you in a way you don't understand, it doesn't make shallower, just different.. Avoid judgement, cause you have not yet walked in their shoes and they have not in yours..
You say.. fight for what you want, you can't wait around for it to come.. But if you must, I say right back at you..
I say fight for what you want, cherish what you love, don't try to think out of the box, think like there is no box.. Try giving chances to others, like others gave chances to you, to prove what is real and what is not.. Try it before you judge it.. Show how you feel if you want someone to show you the same.. Treat like you want to be treated, trust if you want to be trusted, have faith, for others have faith in you.. I say "embrace the wonderful mess that you are"..
In that great big mess that I am, I may love in my own way, but I love with devotion.. I may be selfish, but never will I not be there when you need me,  I may have made mistakes, but I learn from them, I'm only human after all.. I am who I am and somebody once told me to never change that for anyone.. I will take that advice and be who I am.. I'd rather be hated for that, than be loved for something I am not.. And if you love me through my worst, then you'll get to see my best..


--You cannot be the one to make me worth less than worthy of someones love, or your affections, with your words.. You do not get to compare and contrast  me with "others" that are worth you being everything, for this was never a competition.. And if it was, then I shall not participate,as I cannot not compare to years of experiences, and we are not the anything alike to try to compare.. so I will not be made to feel inferior for that..
In all this selfishness that you claim posseses me, I didn't fight, not because I didn't want it, want you enough, rather than because it wasn't what you wanted at that time.. I tried to respect your wishes even if I didn't manage it at all times, even if i was out of line at times..
You can't say I ruined any chance, because I tried the best I could given the situation.. and even if I lost track at some point and my reaction was disappointing to you, it's something I cannot change..
I tried to make up for that by not bothering you again while you were away, because I came to understand..
In all my anger, all the times I insulted you, all the times I pointed out your mistakes, which were many times I won't deny, I also pointed out your good parts.. You're insults this time went a lot deeper than that.. A self-centered egotistical, not nice person who has a talent in disappointing others.. You should know better.. Or maybe you wouldn't.. You don't me well enough to say that though.. You can't take you as an example of how I am and who I am, the situation was never that in which I would of given you all I am.. If I do that and it's not enough, then you should comment as you like..
I cannot speak on your behalf, that doesn't mean that when I say something about me, I mean it doesn't apply to you.. Shall I quote myself..? "..whose eyes reflected all his feelings, feelings that were present and seemed to so real, no matter how deep you look into their beautiful blue depths.. with a smile of pure childlike innocence, but the passion of a man.. a man who knew how to mske you feel wanted, beautifull.. a strange combination of fiery impulsiveness, stenght, so in contrast with his heartbreaking sensitivity and vonurability of a boy.." I knew and know what your good qualities are, I can spot them as well as the bad ones..
i didn't accept everything with the best of graces, I am not the nicest person in this world I still like to think I'm worthy..
If you taught me one thing that I shall never forget , it is to express what you feel and do act upon what you want, it madde a difference you should know.. I may have loved before you, a lot too.. he may have been important.. You know what I never told him..? I love you.. You are actually the first person I said it too.. (romanticly) even if I didn't say say when I should or how I should have..
I look back and see the good, I remember the lessons I was taught.. And I was taught a few..
There are things in life though that no matter how hard you fight or think you fought, they won't change.. but "if it's right it happens, the main thing is not to hurry..nothing good gets away.. (John Steinbeck)
Sometimes all you can do, is wait and see.. --

a little bit of everything..

I woke up this morning with a thought on my mind, look how summers and winters have so quickly gone by.. It feels like only yesterday when I was filled with innocence, batting my eyelashes and asking my mum, if I'm a real princess.. When all I wanted was to play, to be out and about all day.. I was only hurt, by the cuts and bruises, repeatedly falling over, before the day was over..
Always running around, getting dirt on my dainty clothes from rolling around on the ground.. Carefree and always filled with energy, little did I know, real life is a fucking orgy..
Friendships were so innocent, no jealousy and mockery.. Relationships were just so cute, he held my hand and I was wooed..
My mum was there to always dry my tears, my father fought away all my fears.. Sometimes I just want to go back to those years..
I look at those pictures, see the glint in my eyes, the big smile, never left my face.. Now time just flies by at a very fast pace.
I write, because I feel my hand itch, about life who's fucking bitch.. It takes away your innocence, it takes away your smile, it leaves you naked in the floor, crying and shouting 'no more'.. It always forces you to remember, when all you want is to forget, and the older I get I bet the harder it will get..
What you want is never good and what is good you never want, it's how it's always like..
The hardships pass, they're done, they're gone.. They just keep telling you, get up and move on.. What they don't tell you is that they'll keep knocking down, again again, until the future looks blurry..
You work so hard for a small pack of money,when your bills are paid you left with not even a penny..
You live amongst vultures, you're pray, a little needle in a stack of hay.. Corrupt politicians are supposed to lead your way..
People around you are dying like flies and when you ask why, you're just fed another shitload of lies..It's not a life you live by choice, but it seems you're slowly loosing for voice..
You may not see things my way, but you should know, I don't give a shit about your view anyway..
I speak my mind though it may not be heard, I'm not another sheep in this herd.. I look different, but you all look the same, white and fluffy and a little huffy..all slaves to the big boss, well guess who's at loss..
You pray to your God, looking for absolution, as if that's the real solution.. you go to church, fall on your knees, you repeat the same words with such ease.. 'forgive me Father, for I have sinned' and cry until your eyes are red-rimmed..
I believe in my own God, myself not a fraud.. I can be my own sun, universe and moon, I don't need all your crap, I'm just happy like that..
I can live my own way, you can keep yapping away.. Say what you like, I won't live like we're under the third Reich..
I dream my dreams big and set my goals high, it's hard to get by, I'm not gonna lie.. I'll have fun and smile as much I can, I don't have a grand plan.. I'm gonna love, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna lose, and be in pain, at least my life will be far from plain.. I choose to live before I die, I'm never going to comply..