Introduction to (Love) Me IV

There comes a time in someone's  life where you look back at your decisions and just, just stare back at them. You look at them and try to find out your wrongs and rights. Even though I would love to talk about the rights, I prefer to talk about the wrongs right now. If there was a cinema which only you could access and the only movie on the screen was your life, would you sit back, relax with some popcorn and watch the highlights or would you prefer to burn the film and never look back? That was the question that came in my mind this afrenoon. I hate my brain sometimes. It's like it wants to make me depressed on puprose. What is the biggest mistake you have ever done it asked me, that voice in the back of my mind. A messaged popped up on my laptop screen. It was a screenshot of a familiar webpage I could not recall. I clicked on the screenshot and saw a warning sign of an old website. It was something like MSN, you know the pc messaging app we had when we were younger. The only difference between MSN and that website was that the website let you use avatars. Like, customize yourself in a cartoony way and chat with people all over the world. The sign was a notice of shut down. The administrators were shuting down the site. At first I started laughing and then suddenly a chilly feeling of sadness went through me.

The website I met that girl just closed. Damn it. I didn't know what to say. What is the biggest mistake you have ever done, the voice whispered again. Damn it. Damn it again and again. It's just a website and I don't know why the fact that it's closing makes me feel sad. The worst thing was that the screenshot was coming from her. Why would she send me that after all these years. I just found out randomly while surfing the internet she said. Ι don't know if I believe her or not or even better, I don't want to believe her. Not that it mattered anyway. Nothing matters when everything dies in a relationship. Well it didn't exactly died from old age to be honest. More like, I killed that relationship. Mostly because I was immature and she was not. 

I was 16 if I recall correctly. So, I found out this cool at that moment website that everyone was logging in as cartoony avatars and I wanted to try too. I created an account, customized my avatar's appearance and logged in the ''game''. It was a great experience, having all these strangers on my screen of my old computer, with the shitty internet connection. Being able to talk to everybody from the U.S.A to China. My small childish mind couldn't comprehend what a great technological advancement that was. My small childish mind was also really attracted to black hair for some reason. I know, it sounds stupid being attracted to a digital avatar but come on, cut me some slack it was the 90's and I was 16 and antisocial as hell. That where I met her. Where are you from I asked. I'm from Greece, she replied. Look at that I thought to myself, we are both from Greece. As time passed by, we were talking by e-mail, on the website I am talking about and on the phone. It was weird that something so trivial such as a game that was made for socializing brought two people so close. She had a really smooth voice and her giggle was fucking adorable. After a while I decided to tell her if she wanted to go out on a date with me. She said yes and I was quite excited. I took the subway, put on my best smile and went on a journey of a lifetime. I saw her from far away. She is bloody beautiful, I told myself. I went closer and introduced myself properly to her and she did the same. Hi again, she said, my name is K. Nice to meet you, I replied. Lets grab some coffee. We went on a nice coffee place and stared at each other for a minute. Not from awkwardness but from love. Then we started talking, talking about the game and what we like abou it. Our coffee cups were almost empty and we were thinking about leaving and suddenly we felt this urge to kiss each other. We were both innocent childern then so kissing actually meant that we are in a relationship.

A whole year passed and it was a damn good one. Everyday I would travel for an hour to go and see her, just for a cup of coffee at our very own spot. The coffee shop we went on our first date. Just for an hour or two and sometimes for 30 minutes or so. I didn't care if I was exhausted in the end of the day. I was just happy I got the chance to see her. Then a girl from my past came back and by past I mean the pathetic love life I could have as an antisocial 16 year old.  I thought I was in love with that girl from the past but obviously I wasn't. Mostly because I was a kid. K was different though. Too bad I could not see that. So, I left K and went back to my past. That was kinda stupid and selfish. I got so much love and I wasted everything for some meaningless girl I was in a relationship before  I was 16. Everyone could see that this girl was gonna leave again, everyone except me and my small, childish mind. After 2 months she actually left me and as an idiot I went crawling back to K, who was still in love with me. It wasn't the same. The glass was broken and it could not be reforged again. On the other hand maybe I saw it that way because she was trying her best to make me fall in love with her. Another year passed and then we broke up for good. I was even stupid enough to ask her if she wanted to keep talking as friends and she was even more stupid to say yes. Of course we couldn't talk as friends because I was really attracted to her and she was in love with me. We started texting each other everyday and talking like a couple again even though I didn't want a relationship with her. Days and months passed and one day we had a fight for something I can't even remember but I am sure I was wrong anyway and we stopped talking completely. Yet, after some time she messaged me on my birthday to see how I am doing. We started talking again and I asked her if she wanted to grab a cup of coffee at the usual spot like the old days. She told me that the coffee shop closed a long ago but we could go to a party at a lounge bar. I immediately said yes. I wanted to right my wrongs, I was desperate for her attention. We met and I felt like the first time I saw her. We had some glasses of vodka and then I had to carry her home because her legs were so weak from the dancing that she couldn't walk. She was always so fragile and that's what I really liked about her. She was someone who relied on me and I loved to protect her. These where my thoughts after 2 years not seeing her. My eyes were full of guilt. I don't know if she could see that or not. When we arrived at her house our eyes met and we were staring at each other again. Like the first time. I thought I could see sparks coming out from our eyes. Closer and closer we came, I could almost feel her breath. Have a good night, she said and she broke eye contact, giving an end to the staring competition. Sleep tight, I replied and turned my back with my head down as I started walking away.
''What is the biggest mistake you have ever done'', the voice whispered.

I just told you, I replied.