Unrequited love

And here I am again in the same place where I began, looking beneath my ashes.Well, you see my dear I didn't know that  you would come so suddenly and tear me apart. I can't say that you are one of a kind because you aren't, you aren't anything special or so unique. When i first met you you didn't take my breath, I didn't feel the butterflies like I used to before with others, but for some reason you grew inside me. You made yourself something like a necessity for me and I kinda hate that. But you know, this is who I am.. a little weirdo  fighting my feelings,killing them before they root inside me.

I first met you on a particular night that i fail to remember or I don't want to remember because I don't want to make you appear special. It wasn't magical, oh my darling, it was far from that. Anyway... I thought that you could put up with my darkness. I thought that you could make it go away with your shiny shitty armor. How wrong I was for one more time. I know what we had decided, no string attached, no everyday connection or the "Goodmornings". Just sex and going out to have fun. I know, I was there. I also said yes and i won't deny it. But as the days went by us I saw who you are. I saw your tender affection for me and for one moment I thought "Why not? Maybe we can be happy  together. I see something here, something for me". Everyone that saw us together thought so to. Apparently, everyone made the same mistake.

You know I started to wait for our meeting eagerly, I was so impatient. But the joke was on me, I started falling for you and for once more the feel wasn't mutual. I am so exhausted from this kind of shit. Everyday I am fighting with my feelings, with my impulse of calling you something special like "my love" in fear of you telling me that we aren't there. Well, my love... my sweet love.. they say that if you want to live for ever then a writer should fall in love with you.. i couldn't agree more. Maybe I don't deserve to be loved. My babe I am not a saint, I have made great sins in the name of love and you could be one more sin for me. You know I wanted you to be my light. I wanted you to be the reason of my smile. I was so wrong... I can't believe that i was tricked again. You stated that we are together but not really together. Back then, i didn't know what was coming.. I was dead inside and because of you I started to feel again. But as i said it wasn't mutual.. maybe you can't stand my presence nearby and maybe the thought of feeling something more for me is disturbing for you and  sadly I can't change a thing. Don't worry my darling, you aren'the first or the last one that uses me..and it's ok. I am paying for my sins and for my ability to fall in love with guys like you... with guys that never stay..