Lost?

So, you know those people, who have it all figured out. What they want to do, how they're going to do it, all before the tender path to adulthood? The ones who finished school and go to Uni and have a plan? Yeah I'm not one of them! Figures anyway. It didn't come as that much of surprise that I would give up precious years and even more precious money to secure an education i didn't even want. Academia, being a student, a time in your life that is supposed to be fun and carefree, creative and memorable. Yeah that's shit. Constantly stressed and drawing in work, broke and miserable is more realistic. True, it works for some. Some are cut out to be great at it, some thrive under the weight of expectations, push through the stress of sleepless nights, some don't drown in endless hours of reading. For some a chance at higher education is a dream come true. For me? A living nightmare. Call me selfish and unappreciative if you may, because I may be. But a three years buried under work I don't like doing, reading for others, writing for others, it didn't appeal to me. Try as I may, I couldn't make myself like it. They say academia isn't for everyone and sure enough I second that. It isn't. And it's good to accept what isn't and let go, but what happens then? When you 'throw away' an opportunity others would kill for, and opportunity that would open doors professionally, what happens then?
Why is it absolutely necessary that you know exactly what you want from life as soon as you get out of school? Why do people always have expectations from you? They keep saying you're young, you have time to figure things out, you have time to have fun, now is the time to live your life. And a second later? You're to old to still be aimless in life. You have to know what you want. Kind of juxtaposed ideas don't you think?
How can you be carefree and full of dreams and at the same time committed and sure if what you want? Isn't this our time to make mistakes? Isn't it our time to make decisions? Isn't this our life to live it as we please? I want to live a life that's full, full of rights and wrongs, full of romance and heartbrake, full of tears of sadness and happiness. Not a blunt cut out 9 to 5. I want a life not a slow death. I don't want to fear fearlessness. A total oxymoron I know.
I may be feeling a little lost as to what career I want to follow, or where I want to live. But that doesn't mean I don't know what I want from life. I want to be free! Free to take the paths I please, even if they lead me to dark roads. I want to see the world, dance under the Eifel Tower, see the sunset on a beach in Barcelona, rock climbing in Lisbon. Helping the helpless in Latin America. Seeing the view from the top of Machu Ptchu. I want to meet all the wrong men, and then maybe a few right ones. Get pissed out of my mind with my friends, make a spectacle of ourselves only to laugh it of the next day. I want to make memories worth remembering, grow form my mistakes, learn from my past.
Oscar Wilds famous words are a motto to me, 'The rarest thing in the world is to live. Most people just exist'. I don't want to simply exist. I belive that everything in life happens for a reason. I believe every mistake, every romantic disappointment, every road we have taken so far, has made us who we are. We're all just looking to find our place in the world. To find our goal in life. We're all just trying to find our own voice. And sometimes it takes longer, and sometimes, it's harder to express it than we thought it might be.  But all we can do is try. All we can do is move on, live on, search on.
I may be lost, but my path will take me somewhere. I may not have a plan, but I have dreams.  As for goals? My goal is simple.  Live, don't exist! And live I shall, and people can expect all they want. I can't give what I don't have!
Lost as Alice, mad as the Hatter! As Lewis Carol wittily said, when you don't know where you're going. Any road will take you there! Any road will take me there. It's not a crossroads full of hard decisions. It's a journey full of adventures. Take a breath, close your eyes, smile and  let your heart guide you where it may!