The aftermath

When you go through a painful situation, something that kills you inside to a certain extent, no matter how much you try your life has a tendency to spiral out of control. You cannot see clearly, you lose sight if what is important and what is not. You lose sight if pretty much anything and everything except for your pain. That awful feeling of dread washes over you making you think everything you touch gets ruined everything you do is wrong, making you think there is possibly no hope in tomorrow, that you will never get over that mind blowing pain. You get lost in trying to survive each day without crumbling to the ground seething in agony. You start to miss things, you start to forget the little things in life that can put a smile on your face. The warmth of the sun on your skin, the cool breeze of spring blowing through your hair, the gentle touch of a friend, a simple joke, a song anything.  It seems your in a trance of sorrow. You just get lost,  lost in the aftermath.
It's funny though, the things that snap you out of it. It can be the most ridiculous thing, the smallest detail can bring you back to reality in a moment. For me, it was you. A simple inconsequential message. It reminded me you see that you not so long ago, just a few light years away used to be the cause of a somewhat lighter but still terrible pain. And that pain went away with time and now here we are, two strangers who used to know each other well who used to share a connection that got lost in time. Two people who are now acquaintances with a common past. You made me think you see, of all that has happened and in a moment, poof, just like that everything was bright again. I have been over this again and I survived it just fine. Life didn't end there, the future did not get plunged in darkness, the world went on turning. Time flew by, the pain numbed and slowly faded away and disappeared. No, I didn't forget you, I wasn't looking or trying to do so anyway. I still remember and at times you still cross my mind. I wonder how you are doing and hope you are well and accomplishing your goals one by one. Our moments flash in my mind sometimes, nostalgia washes over me, of the simplicity -as funny as it sounds saying that now- of us. I smile now when that happens, you were a good chapter I'm my life, one that I have moved on from ages ago. No I haven't forgotten you, I never will, but I have gotten over you. It was nice,  hearing from an old flame, I will always want to know how you are, be happy when you are well, be there if you need me. Sure I would want to see you before I leave once and for all but nowadays that is all. So thank you, my beloved stranger, my beloved lesson, for popping in my life at the right moment, thank you for unknowingly coming to my rescue. You always did appear at the most crazy of times, you always did teach me the most valuable of lessons although you would never know that. Thank you! Your flame will burn eternally in the background for all that you have given me.
And once again, it's a new dawn it's a new day it's a new life!!

...just a dream

 I lay there, sprawled across your chest, listening to your heart beating steadily in your peaceful slumber and feeling you warm breath on my face.. I inhaled you scent greedily.. cherishing your warmth and closeness.. security.. I thought sleepily about forever.. forever felt like a moment in your arms.. happiness felt like a moment listening to your sleepy voice mumbling I love you as you pulled me closer to you, smothering me with your endless love.. 

Love this must me true love.. I fit perfectly in your arms as you fit perfectly in mine.  I started wondering about soulmates.. do they exist? And if so.. you must me mine.. I must be yours.. we met by such circumstances it must be fate.. so much at work for just two people.. how can it not be fate..how can it not?  "My dear you are my Sun my moon.. " I whispered in your ear and you smiled in your sleep.. Your eyes fluttered as I kissed your neck.. you lowered your lips to mine and sealed my destiny with your kiss.."you are the love of my life " you whispered softly.. and I believed you.. how could I not? 

I looked up to see your face, to look into your eyes, the deep blue bottomless sea of your perfect soul, but your face was blurry.. I sat up and blinked several times as you slowly faded away before my eyes.. I felt cold, freezing cold out of your embrace, my eyes started tearing.. I grabbed at you but ended up with nothing in my hands.. your eyes were sad as you looked at me while you faded deeper into the darkness.. I screamed and cried and called for you.. 

My chest hurt my face was tear streaked.. I fought for breath as I woke with a start and immediately turned to find you, but you were nowhere to be found.. a dream.. it was just a dream.. I repeated in my head over and over as I tried to calm my heart and breath.. 

Lovers.. star crossed lovers.. 

I cried myself senseless and mourned my loss all over again as I recalled my vivid dream of you.. no rest.. not even in my sleep did your thought leave me.. you haunt me.. like a ghost of loss.. My heart slowed down and my tears dried up, my breathing returned to normal, fatigue wore over me like a wave as sleep claimed me.. another restless night.. 

Just a dream.. now you're just a dream.. from now until infinity.. 

I have to wonder.. how many times can a heart break before it is unable to beat again.. before it drums it's last sound and dies.. and can a person still go on living normally with a dead unbeating heart.. with a hollow chest and a black soul.. how many beatings can someone take before they finally lay down unable to get back up..

How many lies can the truth handle before reality is no more than an evil nightmare.. 

How many wounds can a body handle before it stops healing.. 

How does one live.. dead on the inside.. 

Numb the pain again and again.. Numb it till you feel nothing.. stab your own wounds again and again.. stab them until you don't feel the pain anymore when someone else tries to hurt you.. brake your own heart into a million pieces.. trample all over it until it turns to dust so they can't take away any more pieces.. let them keep what they have taken.. 

It's theirs by now.. it's theirs to keep.. the pieces don't fit anywhere anymore.. 

Dead to you.. I'm dead to you since the day you killed me yourself.. you put your hand in my chest and ripped the life right out of me.. I applaud you.. really.. I do. You must feel so good with yourself.. killing peoples joy cause u feel none of your own.. I applaud you really.. you must feel so proud.. 

I'll be more like you.. and less like me..I'll walk around like nothing touches me.. really.. nothing touches me anymore anyway.. you killed that too.. 

Numb the pain.. embrace that darkness.. fall beneath the surface.. step on them before they step on you.. that's the only way to be.. 

I'm not going to sit and count my wounds again hoping I didn't cause any pain while I was dying inside.. 

Go on.. go on living like you do.. one day you'll hurt so much that you can't breathe.. you will remember me then.. only then.. 

Until then.. take care..
I will get where I want to be.. is where you stayed where you wanted to be?
I really don't think so..
You are unworthy of what I gave you, yet I would of given it over and over again..
I was unworthy of such an end.. yet you would if killed me over and over again..
And that's what differentiates us..
You stabbed me and I gave you the knife..
Hold on to it.. remember who you hurt when you are hurting..
Karma won't miss out on you.. you give what you take..

..Life is life

Life will knock you down.. each blow will sure as hell hurt more than the last.. you will fall to the ground and crumble in pain.. you will lay there unable to breathe.. unable to speak.. there will be moments like this when you feel you are unable get back up.. when you feel like you cannot take any more pain.. like you cannot move on.. like you cannot put the pieces back together.. truth is you can't.. the pieces never will fall back into place.. but that's ok.. the pieces don't have to fit perfectly back together.. Life is not a well designed puzzle you get to make up again and again.. Life is messy, inconsistent, unpredictable.. you get to make up a new pattern every time..
You are allowed to grieve, cry, scream, go crazy.. you ate allowed to brake down.. you are allowed to change..no one expects you to stay the same.. you are allowed to go crazy.. for me it's better to do so anyway.. go crazy, go wildly-mental institute-out of your mind-psychopath crazy to prove your point.. make them think you are a fucking basket case if need be.. let them believe it and do not even give a shit.. get it out of your system.. get it all out there.. fall down.. grovel on the ground.. you need to grieve your losses whatever they may be.. only when you have reached rock bottom will you realise it's time to get back up..
The realisation will hit will all it's might.. that life is life.. Life is painful.. nothing comes easy.. all you need to do is the best you can.. once you have done that.. move on.. it's not your loss.. it's theirs.. never cave.. fight with courage and integrity..
Did you do that? Then chin up.. you have nothing to be sorry for.. nothing to regret.. nothing more to cry over.. you have won even when it feels like a mortal loss..
Look back.. take a look at your life so far.. shed a tear or two if you have to.. then turn around.. and walk away..
Listen closely in the silence of the night.. hear that faint thumping sound? That is your heart still beating.. do you you feel the gush of air exit your lungs.. you are still breathing.. you have survived every worst day of your life so far.. so far your doing great..
I know.. I know what you are thinking.. sure I have survived, but what has it cost me? Everything.. it has cost you everything.. you have felt your heart stop from the excruciating pain.. you have seen your soul darken.. you have seen your wounds reopen and bleed with every twist of that knife.. what consolation it to you to still be standing? But you have to look at the bright side of the dark side.. Life has justly given you motivation, new goals, more wisdom..
I'm still standing.. maybe not so high and mighty but I am.. I have lost once again.. but one day.  I will start fighting again.. another piece of me has broken.. has turned to dust.  Or maybe you took it with you when you left.. I am learning to adjust.. my heart is learning to beat without it..
I'll get back up.. I will remember you forever of course.. foe what you gave me, for what you took from me, for what you taught me.. I will never find anyone whose arms I fit in so perfectly and that is something I have come to accept.. but life will go on.. seasons will change.. the pain will numb and subside.. you will live in the back of my mind.. where your memories will keep me warm at nights when my heart freezes again..
Always and forever..
A distant loving memory.. a wonderful stranger whom I once New better than myself..
Ever thine
  Ever mine
    Ever ours my love..
But for now.. Life must go on..

..άδεια μου καρδιά

..πονάει η καρδιά μου καρδιά μου.. σπάει η καρδιά μου πάλι καρδιά μου.. ραγίζει .. ακούω τα κομμάτια της να πέφτουν.. Την έχουν ξεσκίσει τη καρδιά μου, καρδιά μου.. τη ρήμαξαν όσοι τους άνοιξα και μπήκαν.. κλαίει εκκωφαντικά πάλι.. ουρλιάζει.. ουρλιάζει η σιωπή σου καρδιά μου.. Μου τρυπάει τα τύμπανα.. ματώνουν.. λυγίζουν τα γόνατά μου ψυχή μου.. Την άδειασαν παλι τη ψυχή μου, ψυχή μου.. σε πουλησα για έρωτες πάλι καρδιά μου.. σε έκανα χίλια κομμάτια πάλι καρδιά μου για ανώφελες χαρές της στιγμής.. σε πουλησα πάλι ψυχή μου σε βυθισα πάλι στο σκοτάδι ψυχή μου.. πονάει το στήθος μου πάλι.. Που πήγες καρδιά μου πάλι.. χάθηκες.. σε εξαφάνισαν πάλι ψυχή μου.. κενό.. πάλι κενό στα πλευρά μου.. Αυτό το απέραντο κενό.. Μια άβυσσος.. Μια μαύρη άβυσσος μπροστά μου.. θολώνουν τά μάτια μου μάτια μου.. δακρύζουν.. πλημμυρίζουν από τα δάκρια μάτια μου.. Ένας κόμπος στο λαιμό μου.. τα λόγια μένουν εκεί.. δε βγαίνει φωνή Αγάπη μου.. τα λόγια μένουν σιωπηλά κι ας ουρλιάζουν οι σιωπές.. ανεμοστροβιλος οι αναμνήσεις μπροστά μου, τριγύρω μου αγάπη μου.. ανελέητα τα χτυπήματα του μυαλού.. σαν αλάτι στις ανοιχτές μου πληγές.. Δ πρόλαβαν να κλείσουν οι πληγές αγαπη μου.. άνοιξαν κι άλλες.. ήσουν εκεί καρδιά μου, Ανοιχτή για όλους οσους ζήτησαν να μπουν.. Δεν έμαθες καρδιά μου από τα λάθη σου.. Δεν έμαθες ακόμα πως κανένας δε μένει.. περνάνε και περνούν ότι θέλουν όλοι.. περνάνε και σε ρημάζουν σε σπάνε μέχρι να σε θρυματισουν.. σε καίνε μέχρι να σε κάνουν στάχτη.. Και πως να τα κολλήσεις τα κομμάτια σου καρδιά μου? Πως ? Όταν έχουν μείνει μόνο θρύψαλα.. Δεν είσαι φοίνικας καρδιά μου να γεννιέσαι από τια στάχτες σου.. γεφύρι της Άρτας σε εκαναν καρδιά μου γκρέμισε χτίσε γκρέμισε χτίσε.. χάρισμα σε έδωσα σε όσους σε ζήτησαν.. ήσουν μεγάλη και έμεινες ληψη καρδιά μου.. ψυχή μου ζωή μου μάτια μου.. με ρημαξες και ρήμαξα ότι μου είχε απομείνει.. μόνη και πάλι χωρίς στήριγμα πάντα.. Πως στέκεσαι ακόμα όρθια ψυχή μου πως δε λυγας απ'τους ανέμους? Πέρασε ο Βορράς και θέρισε.. ήρθε το κρύο πάλι.. ντύσου καλά να το αντέξεις ζωή μου.. συνηθισες πλέον όμως.. δε με γελάς αντέχεις ξερω.. πέρασαν και σε ρήμαξαν καρδιά μου.. πέρασες και την αδειασες την καρδιά μου..άδεια μου αγκαλιά..μη τρέμεις Καλή μου.. εμεινες πάλι αδειανη το ξέρω μα μη μου κλαις.. Σου κόψαν πάλι τα φτερά.. μα Ναι το ξέρω.. Πως να πεταξεις πάλι σκέφτεσαι.. Δεν έχεις μάθει όμως να σέρνεσαι.. θα ανεβεις παλι πιο ψηλα απ'τα συννεφα.. σα μαραμενο λουλούδι νιώθεις το ξέρω.. σε μαδησαν σε ξέχασαν..Καλή μου καρδιά σταματά να ανοίγεις.. κανένας λόγος να γίνεσαι πάντα κομμάτια.. παρ το κλειδί και πέταξε το μακριά να μη το βρει κάνεις.. Δ μπορείς? Αχ καρδια μου το ξερω δε μπορεις.. πως να μπορεσεις να αρνηθεις τη φυση σου.. Πως να αρνηθείς να ωσεκς απλόχερα αυτα που δε σου δινουν.. σ'αρεσει να γεμιζεις τους αλλους κι ας σε αδειαζουν στη διαδικασία.. γεμισε τους καρδια μου με αγαπη και στοργη.. πιο πολυ θα πονεσουν.. που ζουνε μια ζωη αδειανη.. ενα δακρυ θα κυλησει απο τα τώρα στεγνά τους μάτια όταν σε θυμηθούν , όταν σε νιώσουν..ο πονος θα τους εξωντοσει οταν σε νιωσουν.. θα τους γονατησει μα εσυ καρδια μου θα στέκεσαι ορθια και τρανη..γτ άντεξες τόσα.. Μην αγχώνεσαι καρδια μου..θα  έρθει η ώρα σου.. θα έρθει η ώρα σου ζωή μου.. θα Ξαναγεννηθεις.. θα ξαναγεμισεις άδεια μου καρδιά.. θα ξαναγεμισεις άδεια μου αγκαλιά.. θα στεγνώνετε κανα υγρά μου μάτια.. θα πετάξετε παλι τσακισμενα μου φτερά.. κι εσύ ψυχή μου γεμάτη πια εμπειρίες θα ωριμάσειΣ και θα δεις ξανα το φως μες στο σκοτάδι.. Τους ξεφτυλισσες ψυχή μου δε σε ξεφτυλισσαν με το φερσιμο τους.. Αυτό να το θυμάσαι πάντα..

Waterfall

Sad and depressed. Trying to get over his emotions. His hands are heave and the wind is blowing hard, making it hard for him to find his balance in this cyclone of memories. Dead pictures, buried beneath his feet. Faces long gone, drowned inside the waterfall of regret and desperation.  An echo is heard at the distance.....
'Did you forget how to love'? It asked.
No one answered. Only the ferocious water groaning could be heard. Thousand souls drowned by the waterfall. Everlasting, persistent. It's grasp can't be avoided. The red water of the waterfall never stop attacking everything in sight. What a unstoppable force. How could he avoid it? He tried his best. He was determined not to fall, not to give up. All this pressure, all these sleepless nights. The nightmares and the never ending lies left him for dead. One piece at a time, slowly but surely he was consumed by the darkness in his heart. The sins he carried inside him were free. The pandora box opened. Maybe he was greedy, maybe he wanted everything. Maybe he deserved all these. However, who could blame this wandering soul. Maybe logic was the best way to approach it yet he couldn't find the strength to continue. He had good intentions but he never carried through with them. Maybe his intentions got lost somewhere in between. One thing he knows for sure is that he lost the last bit of good inside him. The water goes plunging down on him. The pressure is tremendous and his legs give up on him yet, there is no scream. He can hear the echo again. It is fading but he can still hear it.
'Did you forget how to be whole'? Whole.....He mumbled. More like hole.... A big, black one. Oh, pretty echo. I wish you knew the caliber of devastation this waterfall can bring. It's destructive path but how could you? You are just an echo. An echo of my broken memories. The moments that led me in this path. How could  you know anything about pain and remorse. Remorse for the things I've committed. Oh..the despicable actions and the sins. I can't even remember what madness brought me here. It's been so long....

- But I-am you. Said the echo.
- Yes, yes you are. He replied.

- How could you talk to me like that? Don't you see that I'm trying to help you? I'm trying to bring you back from  this dark path you are walking. If you die, I die. Whenever you are in pain, I am too. Do you really think I don't know about your pain and guilt, the loses you suffered and the thing's you've done? I am all that's left of the thing you once called your soul. I'm the last piece of this broken puzzle of yours. The speck inside your hands that keeps you alive. So..don't you dare speak to me like this again.

- I remember what happened the last time you helped me. He Shouted, furious.
You are the one to blame for this. Not me. Still I am here, under the pressure of these red water. I am the one who is getting punished for everything you have done. I am the one feeling guilty for your actions. Inside this judgment hall. Yet, I hold you in my hands. Protecting you from harm. So yes, you have no idea. You don't know how much strength it takes to continuously protect you. You were once precious to me but not anymore.

- I will always be precious to you. If I wasn't you would have let me vanish. If I wasn't I would be already fading away. You belong with me and I belong with you. You will always punish yourself under this waterfall for me. Until the day you will stop caring.

- Why should I let you live? I never understood why you did all this. Was there a masterplan? Was there a ulterior motive or was it pointless, just for your entertainment?

-You may hope for comprehension of my actions but nonetheless you will suffer punishment.

- I knew it. I knew that something was wrong. I could feel it. I trusted you and you betrayed me. All my dreams and hopes, gone in an instant. How could you possibly proclaim yourself to be a soul yet, you are so dark? All this lust, all these sins. Was all this just a show for you? Something to have fun?
You just love the feeling of your sins crawling on your back, don't you?

- Shhhh. Stop now. Stop and accept what have you done. Even I have accepted it. I trust you right now, not to give up. I am helpless in your hands and only you can save me. You can be the hero of the fairy tale for once. Don't you like it? Isn't this nice? You can be the knight in the white armor with me as your shiny sword. Don't you like it? Don't you like it?

Vibrations start to hurt his hands as he forces them to close.
-Don't you like it? ANSWER ME!

The echo becomes distorted.
The room is filled again with nothing but the sound of the water plunging on his back.
The vibrations become violent. His hands start to bleed but he still finds the strength to close them shut. He smirks while looking at his bloody hands that now match the water color. His smile grows larger and larger with every second that passes.

-Of course I like it. He shouts madly.
I fucking love it actually.

- I knew that you would understand the true purpose of my actions. We are one after all.
-Yes, yes I understand now. All this pain, all this guilt. The tireless days and the sleepless nights. The loss, the remorse. All the lies we said. It's crystal clear.

The water turns clear. The bleeding and the vibrations stop. The red color evaporates and glides inside his closed hands. He looks at them with the same twisted smirk he had before and with a sudden move he opens his hands. The water stops falling and nothing but him and a glowing red light remains. He whispers to his light.

- I like it but I am never going to be your pawn. You betrayed me and it is time. This is not payback nor revenge. This is just me, letting go.

- NO. NO. Don't you dare. Don't even think about it. We are one. If you do this, you will die. Do you really think that you have such power? To possess the power to destroy, you have to control the power to create. Have you ever created anything?

-Yes.
 He replied.

I created you.
His eyes went blank. A dark veil fell in his head and with a gentle tap of his hand. the red glowing orb shatters in pieces.

The water starts hitting him again fiercely. The room fills with the red water of the waterfall. He lowers his gaze and just like that, he stops breathing.

That is the power of the waterfall. The power to create and destroy.

The power of love.

Untitled

I was always trying to figure you out. I was wondering what were you thinking, every action and word you've ever said and done. I never managed to figure anything out though. That's what I liked about you. After all this time, you were still a mystery to me. I never took you for granted because of that dark veil that was surrounding your existence. I was too scared to take you for granted. Too scared to even think that you was mine. I fell in that veil of yours so easy. I wanted to get lost in that darkness, to look at your captivating eyes every single day. Some people believe that love has many forms and I am one of them but I never really understood your kind of love. I decided to give up after some years. Give up on trying to figure out everything about you and then one day it hit me.
-Do you love me? You were asking me.
-Yes. That was always my answer.
However when  you were asking me how much I couldn't find words to describe my feelings to you. I always stood in silence, smiling while looking at you but you could see inside me. You could see the melancholy in my eyes. These blank eyes that you supposedly fell in love with. You misunderstood the melancholy in my eyes. I wasn't sad because I didn't love you. I was sad because I couldn't explain how much I loved you. The words came to me after some time. After you left me. I could explain to you now but you are gone. I would tell you that I would erase the light of the stars for you. I would destroy planets and do anything just to smile at me. I would drain all the seas for you but you never let me love you. I wish I could tell you all these. Unfortunately I know that all the things I want to say to you are gonna rot away in some dark cell of my mind or maybe it's not the right time to say these things. Maybe we are like clocks that will never be in sync. You see, missing someone is not a certain fixed point in time. It is happening everyday. Every single time the radio plays that song we used to listen. Every time there is an apple pie somewhere near me. I miss you more and more as time passes by and you will never know. It's like hearing every goodbye you ever said to me all at once. We collided like stars and exploded together like a predestined supernova. There is always an end in everything and our end was marked at the time of the explosion but for that one instance I felt alive and dead at the same time. Nowadays you are like a shadow on the walls. An echo telling me to reach out to you and make you mine again. A gentle touch on my shoulder, like the wind. A whirlpool pulling me inside your sweet cage of twisted love. After all this time I know that it's a lie. There is no cage, no gentle wind touching just my mind playing games. It makes me sad though. I'm starting to realize that I can't fight my feelings anymore and I don't know how to get past this sadness and darkness surrounding me. If only you could come back, everything would be bright and sunny again. A man has the right to dream right? I'm so lost without you, empty and hollow. I believed in you for so long. I loved you so hard and now I'm all out of love and faith and I can only wish I had a time machine to turn back time. Right my wrongs with you. Prevent you from disappearing from my life. It was me and you against the world. We were burning bridges, winning ward and building worlds. The past is the worse vertigo.

Some say that real love lasts forever but what if love is not always mutual? Do you want this kind of love to be eternal? I don't but I can't help it. Maybe someday I'll erase you from my mind. Maybe I won't even remember your name. The seconds feel like an eternity, the mind comes second when the heart breaks. Love doesn't mean that the sun will always shine, love doesn't mean that everything is gonna be fine. Is love enough when everything goes bad? I think that love can't help you but the more you love the more you believe that it can help you. Is it wrong to believe in a utopia like this or is it right? A utopia is the complete opposite of a dystopia but what if love is these two things combined and only we have the power to change it however we like. Mistakes can be  made but are there really any mistakes? I believe that there are no mistakes in love, just acts that you commit because you love someone else. Nothing is forbidden in the minefield of emotions and love. You just do your best and hope everything goes alright but the worse thing is the pain you feel when you do actually try your best and it's not enough. However, you would  still stay with your supposedly soulmate, even though he/she is crazy as hell or a pure catastrophe for your whole world. you would still wait for the last piece of your big puzzle outside the door for ever and ever until one day you realize that no one is going to show up and then rain starts soaking your clothes and your heart starts crumbling in thousand little pieces. You start feeling cold and alone. All the feelings you had fade away and negative feelings replace the once sunny field of butterflies inside your stomach. No more rainbows, no more happy memories. You expected a happy ending but happy endings are so rare.... After some time you will revisit these old feelings to find comfort in the words that were left unspoken by both of you even though you know exactly how it is going to end. After years of adoring snow days, the snow melts away and all that it's left is dead soil and two choices for you to make.

 Let everything die or rebuild your broken world from scratch.