Superpowers and Miracles

Sometimes certain people are meant to be together and sometimes they are never meant to belong.
There is this certain someone. She is quite a remarkable woman. She is not my heart but I care about her, she is not my family but I miss her. Oh, this stupid little girl. She doesn't like mirrors but mirrors do like her. She is one of the most important ingredients in my life right now. She is the most true person I've ever met. She knows almost everything about me yet she stays by my side. Even though she knows I am fucked up and pretty much empty, she is always there. Always smiling, always making my day better. I consider myself lucky for having her in my life. She can shine bright and radiate more light than the sun and she can be darker than black. She can be heaven and hell at the same time. She accepted me for what I really am, never tried to change me into anything, not even a little and I did the same as well. She popped up out of nowhere, in a pretty difficult time of my life. I remember the first time I saw her. Beautiful, full of joy and always wearing a red lipstick. We talked and we talked about almost everything. She uplifted my empty soul just by existing. She can be weird and serious, bitchy and good, scared and scary, vulnerable and invulnerable, she can be everything and nothing.

Red hair and red lipstick, what a wonderful combination. Dark like the abyss and bright like the morning sun rays at the same time. Her eyes are blue and colder than ice but her stare is hotter than magma. Every single morning we were drinking coffee before class. She was so vibrant and happy every day, it made me wonder. How could she be so happy every single day? I found out that she was like me..cracked, broken. I identified myself in the stories she told me. I felt a strong bond even though I knew her for 2 months. It was like I knew her all my life. Her face was so familiar and her voice was so soothing. After some time she was blonde again and she was still beautiful as hell.
Sometimes I was afraid that if someone was listening our conversations we would be put in a mental hospital and yet, if that was the case I would have the best mental hospital company ever. The epic duo of me and her. The 'two man army' as they say. I could easily picture us in a world domination scenario and her as a Queen. Pulling the strings with just a stare that could pierce your soul and make you instantly fall in love with her. However, she has no idea of her capabilities and potential. This may occur because of her hate towards mirrors but I'm working on changing it.

 Her body posture is overwhelming as always, filling you with so many feelings. Scared, attracted, curious and you have no idea what to do and what to say. She has this superpower... You cant say no to her. Maybe because she is adorable and cute, maybe she really has a superpower, you can never know. The only thing someone can do is to submit to her will and she doesn't even know but I do.
The big conclusion is that certain people are valuable. They may be weird, broken, empty but they can emit so many feelings, they can make you happy and you need to be careful not to lose people like them.

They are like miracles...

The Great Cost Of An Illusion

A friend of mine told me that a life without love is meaningless but what can I do when I am empty as hell? Loneliness can be a good friend for life too. Loneliness doesn't  complain. Loneliness won't betray or hurt you. I always thought that love was overrated. My perspective of love is the following.
A huge illusion of happiness. Love can make you powerful or weak. Love can make you invulnerable or kill you. No one has power or control over love, its the opposite. Love may be the most powerful feeling out there. It can manipulate everyone, it can destroy lives and reincarnate them. It can kill you and bring you back to life again. A big lie, the sweetest lie I've ever been told. So warm and cozy, so real. My faith in love wore out long ago however, the sole fact of you waking up beside me makes me crazy, crazy in love. I wish for this illusion to exist forever in my life. Seeing you smiling makes me happy. Seeing you sad makes me sad. It's like I can feel what you can feel, like we are in sync. Your brightest and your darkest days. I'm scared that one day you will find out the big void inside of me and leave me, I'm scared that somehow you will look inside my eyes and find out the big secret I've been hiding from you all these years but for now I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts. I will cherish every single moment of my life with you. I will keep inside my small, stupid mind every single smile of yours, every single tear, everything.

They say that words can create misunderstandings but we sure like to talk a lot. Nights with no sleep, sunsets and sunrises have past and we are still  talking about every small or big thing we can find without getting bored of each other. I hope that this magic dust that binds us together never fades. I always thought that feeling things was a weakness but you taught me that it's power. You taught me to fall in love, pick up my pieces when I'm hurt and shape my heart from the beginning stronger, better. I've learned not to fear the rain but enjoy it, to protect the people I love and trust. I've learned so many things because of you. Even though you touch me, sometimes I think that you will disappear  like the moonlight when the sun rises and I'll be alone. I'm so scared of the thought that you won't be here to hold you in my arms. It's like someone sent you from heaven to my own hell. You are like a good dream which fends off my worst nightmares. The most beautiful thing in life, I found them in your eyes. You gave me your hand and showed me how bright hope can shine.

You told me that you will always love me. You told me that you will always be next to me, holding my hand as I couldn't walk properly without you beside me and I believed you. I trusted you and that was the best decision I have ever made in my whole life. The decision to fall for you, to blindly trust you and support you in everything you wanted to do. How can I be so empty when I am writing all this. How can I be so empty when I feel all these feelings for you. Maybe it's my fault. I wish I had a hourglass so I can turn back time. Right my wrongs. So I can try to make you feel something for me. I wish I had a hourglass so I can turn back time and convince you to teach me more things. Such as how empty I would feel when you leave, the great cost of all this happiness. The side - effects of loving someone so deeply. The side - effects of this addiction. The shaking, the tears, the darkness.
Maybe I feel empty because of all the noise of the outside world and the silence of my mind. Maybe because every time I see you, deep inside me I know that I will never touch you again.

Maybe because I was empty from the beginning..........

..as time goes by

Time goes by.. time flies by.. before you know it, winter has gone and it has come again.. and with it have come so many changes.. people keep saying how much can change in year.. we don't realise how much can change in a minute, a second.. a heartbeat is all it takes.. to fall in love or out of it.. to make a life changing decision.. to live to die.. Time flies, all of a sudden you wake up and you're all  grown up now, with real problems, a real life. And God you wish you could turn back time to when the scratches on your knees were the only thing that hurt.. cause everyone keeps pointing out the perks of being old enough to be independent, old enough to drink, to live alone, to smoke,  to have sex,  to stay out as late as you like, party as hard as you please. No one ever tells you how much growing up hurts.. Everyone tells you how wonderful it is to fall in love, no one tells you about that gaping hole that makes every breath painful.. No one is there to help you back up when you have fallen so low you can barely see the surface..
And when you have been broken? Who is there to put the pieces back together? ? You! Only you can do that, only you.. you pick up the pieces one by one cutting yourself again and again on their jagged edges while you glue yourself together.. just so you get broken again and again. So what are you supposed to do? Lock yourself in  a room and throw away the key in an effort to protect yourself?  Avoid anyone who could cause you heartache?  Are supposed to miss out on  all those wonderful moments , are supposed to miss out on life, just because you are afraid of a little or a lot of pain? And if you don't make mistakes how in the world are you gonna learn what is right? And if you never hurt how in the world are you going to appreciate the happiness that comes before? And if you are afraid of endings,  how are you going to experience those glorious beginnings?  But darling don't you know yet? Sunsets are proof endings can be just as beautiful as beginnings.. are you never going to watch the sun come out lighting the world around you.. feeling the warmth of  those first rays of sun on your skin.. never going to lose yourself in that feeling that a new day has dawned just because you can't bare the thought of seeing the sun hide away and the wold around you hide in the shadows at twilight? But that is no way to live honey.. you need one to appreciate the other.. every ending is a new beginning is disguise. Every fall is an opportunity to get back up even stronger..
And for the love of God life is so short and yet so precious. Why are you letting it pass you by? Why are loosing yourself in that awfully familiar pattern of denial? Why have you already lost your faith? Oh my dear.. but you are so young to have no faith! Have you no need to discover new beauties in life? Have you no need to loose yourself in New adventures?  No need to find a deeper meaning in your seemingly meaningful life? are you forever gonna live in fear of pain? Are you forever gonna push people away? Are you forever gonna avoid happiness in fear of sadness. Why.. don't you understand?  It's sadness that bring a joy!  Yes.. it's those years of sadness that constrict your throat and you can't speak, that make tears of happiness so much more exciting! ! It's those little moments that you are now letting pass you by that you will remember.. it's those looks that you exchange with that special someone.. it's that touch her or his touch that leaves your skin tingling.. the butterflies in your tummie when you lay your eyes on her or him.. those words reverberating in your head that put a smile on your lips.. oh that wonderful prospect of a new beginning.. those are the moments that are worth you while.. And if pain follows.. may it follow.. it's a lesson, not wasted time.. it's a memory not a mistake.. it's a choice that made you not a choice you made.. how can you close the door to love? How can you deny it from your life?  It gives you something to hold onto. Something to fight for. It brightens your dark days up.. lights up the shadows. Is it better to come home to an empty bed every night? Is it better to have no one to share your deepest fears a with? Is it better to let that feeling of loneliness and numbness seep in to your soul? Will you forever fill up the void, avoiding what you really want, with everyday tasks, with friends, with work, hobbies?  No! You have to live dear. Let go of that mistrust.  It's eating you up. You're going to miss out on every endearing moment of your life.. you aee going to hurt so many people you love.. sweetie don't you see? You are gonna hurt yourself more than anything.. because all you will ever know.. Is loss.. pushing everyone away.. punishing them for others mistakes.. hurting others cause you.. you are the one in pain..people, no matter how persistent or loving they are, are going to leave if you keep pushing them away..
You need to learn to loose yourself in them, not for them.. you need to learn to let go of the past and embrace the future...because it will pass you by in the blink of an eye.. until all you have in life is regret.. regret for what you lost before you even gain it.. and that is the most painful ending of all.. the what ifs that cut into you like knives.. the maybes that are like salt in your wounds.. those are the only regrets yo should have.. those are the only mistakes you have made.. not staying,  but passing by.. and that is what is going to hunt you until you loose your mind.. and that my sweetest is not a story worth telling.. and I.. I want to have a story worth telling.. I want to be brave enough to laugh at my mistakes,  be brave enough to be thankful for my hardships and the lesson I was taught from them.. I wanna be brave enough  to smile at my tears and I want to be able to say I was brave enough to do what I really wanted in my life.. for that will be my greatest accomplishment of all.. living my life to the fullest.. embracing my fears, overcoming them, instead of hiding in the corner..
Yes.. It hurts to lose, it's awful to feel  you have no control, but you have no control over life anyway.. so embrace it and work with it.. walk around the ditches, climb back up if you fall.. claw your way up if need be.. but don't for a moment think that you are doing well standing still.. don't for a moment think you are cheating pain, cheating life.. you are avoiding the simply unavoidable! The only difference is you have nothing to be proud of no Good memories to hang onto when the pain comes.. you just have the knowledge that, that something good that was banging on your door, the door you nailed shut is now somewhere else.. oh so far away from you.. out of your reach forever.. regret? Yes.. it's seeping from every pore in your body.. I hope it doesn't hurt forever.. but I'm scared.. I think it will..
So do a favour to your mangled heart and take a fucking leap of faith, take a freaking chance before it is too late.. Are you trying to patch your wounds up or leave them bleeding while taking the knife in your own hands and opening more? You are already starting to miss out on the meaning of life.. you have already lost thinking you gained. And you are about to loose so much more. So take caution. Take notice. Life may be a big test.. but if you fail.. you don't get a second chance at it..
So baby my advice?  Hurt and live to watch every new dawn, or hurt in vain afraid of the next sundown.. missing out on everything beautiful twilight in between.. see the ugliness to appreciate the beauty.. feel the loss to know what love means.. then and only then will you be able to say you have truly lived.. go mad for what you want in every aspect of your life.. don't think.. act on what you want even if you regret it later.. it's better to try and fail than not to try at all!!

Gravity

After all these years, after all this time..You are still on my freaking mind. The ghost of you, haunting every little corner of my fucked up mind once again. I couldn't sleep last night because of you. I wish I could tell you that. I wish you were here once again however wishing is not gonna do the trick. I'm walking on the road. It's raining so heavy but for some reason I'm happy. I remember that one time we were outside while it was raining and you were so cold. Your lips had a deep purple color as if you were dead. You were shaking and I had no jacket to give you. So I gave you my sweater. I didn't care about me at all. Everything I've ever done was for your good. You were cozy inside that sweater and I had fever after a few days but I was happy. You hugged me and thanked me. Smiled at me. I wish I could remember your smile. The only thing I have left is the mark that smile left on me. I lit up my cigarette and  kept on walking through the heavy rain. The wind was howling like a wolf and blowing my hair back, messing them up. After some time I stepped in the cafeteria we used to hang out for a drink. Usually I search for you every time I come but it has been 2 years now and I gave up. I sat down and ordered a french coffee with hazelnut flavor. This coffee always reminds me of you. I could almost feel you being next to me, talking to me. Who am I kidding, I thought as I sipped my coffee. I was alone. I rolled and puffed another cigarette. I exhaled and watched the smoke flying high. I lower my head as I hear the little bell on the cafeteria door ringing. It was you. I was shocked. Time froze again, like the first time I ever laid my eyes on you. Everything went slow-mo suddenly. My heart was beating fast, so fast I though I was gonna explode. My chest was heavy, heavy from the things I wanted to tell you all these years. I felt your gravity pulling me towards you again. I missed that gravitational pull you had on me. However, I knew that I could not come near you. I am stronger than before. Stronger than the last time we spoke. The last time you killed me. I was reborn or at least I thought so until you looked at me. Those fucking eyes of your's. Those black eyes could swallow stars and galaxies. What hope did I have? When you stared inside my soul. You smiled at me, like you knew what you have done. The damage that stare caused. You sat at the table right next to me. The cafeteria was empty and you chose to sit next to me. Oh the mind games. It's on missy, I thought and smiled back at her. My cigarette had burnt itself up. I tried to roll another one but my hands were shaking. I couldn't control my self. What the hell are you doing Nick? Stop being weak, she has no power over you, not anymore. I was proven wrong one second later, when she came and sat on my table. I couldn't feel my legs. I was numb all of the sudden. She said hi and I couldn't even speak. I swallowed that lump in my throat and asked her how she was. I was watching every move she made closely. I was still loving her more than everything but I couldn't trust her. So many questions in my mind. What the hell she wants? Is this another devious trap? As I stared right into her eyes I saw all the pain I have caused. She was missing me like hell too but she couldn't say it out loud. How could she? She had a new boyfriend now but I could see the pain. I was the one who knew her better than anyone. I could see every feeling she had inside her heart just by looking in her eyes. No gravity, no traps, just regret pain and love. I didn't say anything. It wouldn't matter anyway. What is done, is done. No restarts and rewinds. Life is not a game unfortunately. We talked a little, she told me she was studying psychology and I told he I was going to England to study law. She was happy about me but for some reason I hated the fact she was happy. I wanted to tell me that she wants me to stay here. I wanted her to tell me that she missed me. I was angry and selfish but that's love. I stood up ready to leave with my cigarette on my mouth. She stood up too and with a sudden move she took the cigarette off my mouth and threw it on the floor and she hugged me. She hugged harder than ever. Harder than when we were together. My body was filled with her feelings through a hug. The thing is that....I suddenly went empty. I didn't hugged her back. I just patted her shoulder and looked at her. Her eyes were different. She was like the first time she saw me. I was confused. Her eyes were yelling: ''I'm in love with you''! Until we meet again I said and left. My body was numb. Why the hell I didn't hug her? What is wrong with me? I know I love her and still I rejected her hug. I rolled another cigarette to think about all these and stop panicking. It was still raining. I stopped and closed my eyes. I wanted to get lost into my feelings. Unfortunately.....I woke up.

 I found myself  trying to form your image for one more time. It has been so hard to live without you...All these years, trying to feel something for someone. Trying to fake smiles and feelings. It has been so long since the last time I saw your face, your curly hair, your beautiful smile and that body of your's. All that I can see is a faded image of you....Distorted and broken in pieces. I'm good at puzzles though, also this is a puzzle I need to fix again. I got bored of feeling empty. I got sick of feeling a big void inside my chest. A hole which is dark and consumes my feelings everyday. A hole that you created.....but it's alright.

After all, you are the one for me. You always was and you will always be.

 I'm still trying to fabricate you into reality, make you mine again and once more I fail. I cant remember your face, I cant recall the sound of your voice anymore. I'm afraid that you will fade away and the hole will become even bigger. Please don't give up on me, I say as my soul starts shaking. I take some big breaths and relax. I need you to come back darling. I miss you. This madness, this darkness, this love of your's.

I am lost without you, you should know that by now. I guess that you don't care about that after all.

Are you still there? It seems that I cant remember you so please for the love of god....

Remember Me.

..and the story continues

Reality hit hard, now she back home. she crashed and burnt in scolding flames as she realised the mess she made of things.. the pain she caused, cause she was in pain. The bubble burst with a loud 'puff' as she slowly came to terms with mistakes she has made. Flashbacks of shameful drunken angry bursts at everyone who spoke to her came to her mind. She closed her eyes and wished the images to be a lie. But they were real, and it was time to face the consequences of her actions. Making amends one by one for the people she lost in the fires of the hell she was in. The numbness slowly subsided, like waking up from deep slumber or the affect of painkillers fading slowly returning the feelings back to her body. A complicated jumble of feelings and memories and people.. her head was buzzing with an overload of information.. one by one she tried to rebuild the bridges she burnt. It was hard labour. Some people were still stubbornly there in her life no matter what she said to them in the past. Her best friend for example, that girl was an angel in disguise, her own guardian angel, she always managed to pull her back up to the surface just when she felt she had no breath left. That girl, she owed so much to. How could she ever begin to repay her? That girl..she could never imagine a life without her in it. The only one who could ever accept her for all her flaws , even when there were so many.. who would put up with her tantrums and bursts of anger. She forgave her at once for her unjust behaviour and for that she was ever so grateful.
Other people who drifted and left from her life she was thankful for. As this was a year of many revelations, many didn't deserve to be there in the first place. Back stabbing friends and lying lovers. There were oh-so-few left with a place in her life and her heart. Friends that became best friends, friends that were far away maybe in another country but we're there to cheer her up and console her making it seem as if they never left. And for others she felt sorry, for those who met her at her worst of moments in life, for those she gave hope to in vain, and hurt for she was pain, for those she let fall in love with her thinking she may feel the same, but pushed away when she didn't. Regret set in her heart for them who got caught in the crossfire.
And then there was 'him'. That one special person somewhere in between being a friend and something more who was neither in her life nor out of it. A phantom that every now and again hunted her mind leaving her restless. Although she had no idea how she felt for him at this point, she new she cared for him. He was one of those people, who no matter how much times goes by or how long you haven't spoke to them for every time you see them it's like not a day hasn't gone by. You can talk and laugh and be stupid as if it was only yesterday you last saw them. And they did. And she missed that. As he was one of the few who knew her so well. And she looked at him and saw a version of herself long lost, a version she was desperately trying to hold on to. And she clung to that even though it's wasn't him she was really trying to cling to she did, trying to be her same old self. But the anger she had pent up in her, the disgust she felt for herself, the self respect that was long lost.. all those fucked up feelings created inside her made her twist a lot of things in her mind. She twisted him and what he offered,  desperately trying to get that anger out, she pinned it all on him, found the excuse she was looking for, and turned it around to make it his fault and she took it out on him, and she made him her punching bag, and she spoke to him so badly filling him up with lies in one of her drunken stupors going crazy out of rage that in reality was not directed at him, and as that night went on and she drank her anger in shots of vodka, and that anger swelled up as they put their filthy hands on her and pulled her closer, and she pushed herself away, desperate, feeling cheaper by the minute, she burst, going crazy, literally crazy at him God knows with what excuse just to make herself feel better. And it worked, for the smallest of moments it worked, blaming someone else, him, for her own mistakes actually worked. She felt relieved. Until the buzz wore of and it all came crashing back the next morning. The moment she realised she lost a person who no matter what was there in a way, whom she'd fought with so many times in the past but managed to never truly say goodbye to despite the time they spent apart and all the fights and all the things she said to him. She had just managed to make him despise her and she had just managed to lose him for good. And at first she thought it better, but he haunted her dreams.. left her restless.. she couldn't let it go.. there was a constant nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach that didn't let her find the peace she needed. But she couldn't find the way to make up for her mistakes,  She couldn't find the way to talk to him, she couldn't find the way to let him know the reasons for her outbursts. And she tried to let it go and pushed it to the furthest corner of her mind but it kept coming back. And she needed to apologize and she needed to make him understand, and she needed to talk to him in person and for once be truthful about her own mistakes instead of blaming him for his. But she couldn't find the way and he would never want to hear it after all she had blamed him for, after all the things she said to him.
He was the only amend she was unable to make so far. One of her biggest regrets was taking it out on him after taking it out on her closest of friends.
A routine was setting in, things were slowly falling back into place for her, winter was setting in, the weather getting colder as her heart was getting warmer once again. Shameful images and bad memories were fading tough still haunting her for what she let herself become. She fought to resurface  against the currents that were pulling her down.She hoped now only for forgiveness for those she lost faith in and who lost faith in her, to gain back their respect as she learned once again to respect herself.
And the story continues as one chapter finished and another begins.

One Last Smile

Every male has a dream girl in his mind. For some people this girl is really hot, with a perfect body and shit like that. For me on the other hand...Its something else...Something simple. They say that the perfect human does not exist. They are wrong.. A special somebody can be perfect from your point of view.  Sometimes this perfect somebody might be broken/ fucked up/scarred for ever. She might have anxiety problems and sometimes can be really childish but how cute is that, right?

I think you get the point.. The thing is that dreams, usually don't come true, 99% sure about this.  Dreams can be scary. Dreams can be turned into nightmares. Sometimes you wont chase that dream becauze you are scared. I was scared too. That didn't go too good.My dream turned into a fucking nightmare and then into a big freaking joke, mocking and laughing at me. All these because I was too afraid to go and say 3 simple words: I – Like-You.  Sometimes i hate myself for being so pessimistic, even though i never actually admitted that.I like to consider myself an optimist but that’s just a big big lie. Dreams can’t be chased. Dreams will always be dreams. Coming to your sleep every single night, showing you the day that time stopped. Showing you her eyes in fucking slow-mo and then boom, a third person shot of you trying to say something.. You know nothing is going to change but you cant help yourself. You need to think about her, even though she doesn’t give a single fuck. Even though you are not that importan to her. Every single night wondering... What if? What if I was strong enough to kiss her without a warning. What if.... This question haunting the back of your mind, leaving you with no sleep.

All of these negative feelings can be erased if you see her. One more time. Just a fade smile. That’s all you need. Not gonna get it though and you fucking know it. Hoping for a miracle wont work too...Especially if you don't believe in god. More questions showing up every night...What have i done wrong. Don't I deserve a good and kind-hearted person like her? Am I a bad person? Do i really deserve someone in my life? Questions that make you cold and empty inside...Day by day..Night by night...Mixed feelings for everything. Sadness and happiness at the same time, driving you crazy as hell. However you are addicted to it. Addicted to her, her smile, her every move. In the end everything is going to get better. After all we are humans... We kill feelings, we recycle old ones, we feel empty and then full and that’s the true point of all these. Everything is going to be alright in the end, maybe.....

Love can sometimes be magic but magic can sometimes be an illusion

time to leave..

It was another night like all the rest.. she was still in bed, staring at the ceiling. She looked at the clock.. It was time to get ready for work.. She slowly rose from the bed and made her way to the bathroom.. The water was blistering hot, she let it run along with her tears.. The steam made it hard for her to breath as she madly scrubbed her naked body trying to wash away the shame, the embarrassment, the guilt.. she closed her eyes trying to block out the images, shook her head turned off the water.. she cleaned the foggy mirror and looked at her reflection.. two sad green eyes looked back at her.. her face was a mask of sadness.. she shook her head again as if to shake away the sadness and returned to her room to get ready.. she started off the same old rituals of getting ready for work.. her friend and roommate sat on the bed blabbering along while she smiled and laughed at all the right moments pretending to pay attention as her words were like white noise to her ears..she was still hiding her silent tears.. she put on her clothes and her very high heels and looks into the mirror again.. Make up and pretty clothes could only hide the flaws of her appearance though.. not the emptiness of her soul.. Tears swelled up as she stared at herself without recognising what she saw anymore.. She closed the door behind her and made her way to her silent endless torture.. 

And the night went on.. And she heard the same old lines, she saw the same looks.. those looks, like she was on showcase, as they stripped her down with their eyes, and smiled their obnoxious hideous dirty smiles.. and she felt their hands on her back, going lower, and she smiled and she laughed as she tried to move their hands with caution, and she bit her lip to fight away the overwhelming shame, for what she had become.. and she drank trying to dim those feelings, needing the buzz.. and they went on talking and touching and smiling and flirting and she sat silent feeling.. numb.. she felt numb.. as if nothing and no one could get to her anymore.. 

And she sat there contemplating her life.. everyone had given up on her anyway.. no one had stayed in her life but her family and very few friends who were slowly drifting away.. no one had loved her as she was no longer lovable.. that's how she felt.. unlovable.. and unable to love again as her feelings for previous romances had dimmed and faded into time.. she had tried to fall in love again with no luck.. she had even tried to rekindle old flames desperately trying to feel what she felt then..but no matter how hard she tried she still felt nothing for him.. all she could feel was worthless, alone and lonely, a burden.. she had no home if she left, no one to lean on..she had been swallowed up by this reality.. as if she had lost everyone and everything along the way.. she just wanted to get as far away from this reality as possible.. but she just kept running into a wall.. she watched her dreams get further away but stubbornly pulled them closer.. she refused to let go of the only thing holding her together, her goals.. her goals of making something out of herself,,

And she went home to a dark house and a cold bed.. lying on her back she closed her eyes an breathed out.. now she could let go of the smiling facade she put on every night and emotionally exhausted let the tears flow freely while she drifted off into the usual restless slumber..until it was time to wake up and face the same every day, again and again.. 

That's how the days went by.. even at home surrounded by family and friends she couldn't shake off the feeling worthlessness.. defence mechanisms kicked in as she snapped at anything they said, feeling like she had already lost them.. 

It was time for her to leave all of this behind.. she needed to get back up from the pit she had fallen into.. time to get away, far away.. who would miss her now anyway? she'd burnt one too many bridges already.. It was time to leave.. time to get away..