Sunday 27 December 2015

The Great Cost Of An Illusion

A friend of mine told me that a life without love is meaningless but what can I do when I am empty as hell? Loneliness can be a good friend for life too. Loneliness doesn't  complain. Loneliness won't betray or hurt you. I always thought that love was overrated. My perspective of love is the following.
A huge illusion of happiness. Love can make you powerful or weak. Love can make you invulnerable or kill you. No one has power or control over love, its the opposite. Love may be the most powerful feeling out there. It can manipulate everyone, it can destroy lives and reincarnate them. It can kill you and bring you back to life again. A big lie, the sweetest lie I've ever been told. So warm and cozy, so real. My faith in love wore out long ago however, the sole fact of you waking up beside me makes me crazy, crazy in love. I wish for this illusion to exist forever in my life. Seeing you smiling makes me happy. Seeing you sad makes me sad. It's like I can feel what you can feel, like we are in sync. Your brightest and your darkest days. I'm scared that one day you will find out the big void inside of me and leave me, I'm scared that somehow you will look inside my eyes and find out the big secret I've been hiding from you all these years but for now I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts. I will cherish every single moment of my life with you. I will keep inside my small, stupid mind every single smile of yours, every single tear, everything.

They say that words can create misunderstandings but we sure like to talk a lot. Nights with no sleep, sunsets and sunrises have past and we are still  talking about every small or big thing we can find without getting bored of each other. I hope that this magic dust that binds us together never fades. I always thought that feeling things was a weakness but you taught me that it's power. You taught me to fall in love, pick up my pieces when I'm hurt and shape my heart from the beginning stronger, better. I've learned not to fear the rain but enjoy it, to protect the people I love and trust. I've learned so many things because of you. Even though you touch me, sometimes I think that you will disappear  like the moonlight when the sun rises and I'll be alone. I'm so scared of the thought that you won't be here to hold you in my arms. It's like someone sent you from heaven to my own hell. You are like a good dream which fends off my worst nightmares. The most beautiful thing in life, I found them in your eyes. You gave me your hand and showed me how bright hope can shine.

You told me that you will always love me. You told me that you will always be next to me, holding my hand as I couldn't walk properly without you beside me and I believed you. I trusted you and that was the best decision I have ever made in my whole life. The decision to fall for you, to blindly trust you and support you in everything you wanted to do. How can I be so empty when I am writing all this. How can I be so empty when I feel all these feelings for you. Maybe it's my fault. I wish I had a hourglass so I can turn back time. Right my wrongs. So I can try to make you feel something for me. I wish I had a hourglass so I can turn back time and convince you to teach me more things. Such as how empty I would feel when you leave, the great cost of all this happiness. The side - effects of loving someone so deeply. The side - effects of this addiction. The shaking, the tears, the darkness.
Maybe I feel empty because of all the noise of the outside world and the silence of my mind. Maybe because every time I see you, deep inside me I know that I will never touch you again.

Maybe because I was empty from the beginning..........

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