Friday 9 December 2016

Heavy Rain on a Brick Wall

The wind is howling like crazy. A brick wall in front of me. A huge obstacle that falls apart day by day. I've been counting the bricks along the wall. However, their number is infinite. I built the wall and made my life a prison, then paid the price for my choice. I always wanted love but often told my self that I don't deserve it.
On the other side of the wall there is a familiar voice. I know her. She stands there all alone. The night is shrouded in fog and as the moon rises, there is this fire in her eyes. I can see it through the brick wall. I can feel them radiating in the air. The pressure they emit. So much pain and hardships for no reason. Nothing matters in the end I mumbled, lowering my head in disappointment. Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes love can be a completely useless thing. Love can do nothing but watch as two people shatter to a thousand pieces.
 Love, what a trivial thing in comparison to the despair someone can feel in the end. A black unforgiving dress surrounds her body. None of this is right. I've been so focused on blame my whole life that I never left my self grieve properly. For all the people that I've lost. From all these people I am extremely sad about one individual. Me. I lost me long ago. I've been in this schizoid state.for so long. Torn in two, fragmented between two different people. Light and darkness. Good and bad. Sometimes the good side of me would win, however this time is different. I really need the bad one. The one who is restless at nights, the nocturnal side of me that always runs but nothing ever comes out of it.The strong one. The girl with the unforgiving dress put him to sleep and I don't know how to wake him up. I stare blankly on the brick wall, it's almost like it is a mirror reflecting my mistakes and the girl in the black dress is the protagonist of the story. I wonder, is it me that I think that I do not deserve to be loved or is it actually true? Pointless pondering of pointless questions in a pointless world. This pointless question is what gives me closure though. A bitter closure yet still a closure. I was unwanted, cracked and broken. How could anyone truly love me to be honest. I should have never expected that from anyone and after all this time I sometimes still have faith in this stupid belief inside me. Black rain starts to fall. Soaking my head and her dress. I reach out with my hands and look at the black droplets falling inside my palm. We are so close yet so far. A thousand miles away from you, a thousand miles away from me. I wonder if I will find you again. If you are searching for me. You never had to leave you know. I shouted, so she could hear me over the sound of the black rain pouring on us. There was no answer to my crying,

just heavy rain.

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