When do you realize that you're losing yourself trying to hold on to someone else.? Is it when you look into the mirror and don't recognise your own self..?
You just wake up one morning and wonder.. What have I done to myself..? You just wake up one day and feel..nothing.. you feel empty.. Shoud you panick..? Should this darkness make you fear what you have become..? No.. you're contempt with the emptiness.. It's like a painkiller, numbing the ache deep in your chest.. It doesn't hurt to think about it anymore.. You go through your memories in a robot like way, reluctantly trying to figure out which one will bring back the mind numbing pain that leaves you breathless.. But it doesn't come.. No.. this time it doesn't come.. you've been burned way beyond the third degree..
The days pass.. you think you've let go.. you stop thinking about it as time goes by.. you stop thinking all together.. you think it's done and over.. The worst has pass.. You start trying.. to put your life that was left in ruins back together.. You laugh again.. It feels good.. Strange at first.. Like the muscles on your face were frozen because they hadn't been used for so long.. But you can feel it.. the colour coming back to your cheeks.. the energy coming back to your seemingly tired body.. there's still a hollow place in your chest though.. were your heart used to be.. you ignore it as best you can.. Going about your everyday life as if nothing has happened.. you back to your usual schedule.. you start going out.. You've perfected the art of suppression and denial.. Before you realize it, months have past.. You've lied to yourslef for so long, you think the lie has turned into the truth..
But reality always hits you hard and fast.. He's back.. It's been so long.. you panick.. you tendery prod your memories, testing for any pain.. you feel the numbness subsiding.. there's a slight ache.. your heart, which has been silent for so long picks up a beat and starts beating rapidly.. He's here.. you repeat again and again in your awestruck mind.. he's back.. but no.. no..you feel nothing.. yu stll feel nothing.. you try your hardest to convence yourself that nothing has changed.. his back in town not back in your life.. For how much longer will you keep lyng to yourself though..? Your suddeny torn in two.. you want to see him.. you want to touch him one more time.. but.. no.. you can't.. if you do you'll unravell.. you know it.. all that you've held in for so long will burst out , like the rivers that flood and burst through the damm..
It's inevitable though.. of course you see him.. He's part of your life.. Your in full blown panick by now.. Your trying deperately to protect yourself.. You can't feel that way again.. You avoid eye contact.. Those eyes.. those eyes will be the and of you.. those eyes look right through to your soul.. you know that.. and he can't know.. he can't know what he did to you.. you don't want to hurt him.. you don't want him to see..
You realize then and there. you hadn't let go.. all those feelings have been there the whole time.. lingering.. they're still there.. all the love and devotion.. still there.. untouched.. unchanged.. It takes one look.. one kiss.. you're back where you started.. you're losing him again but you're trying desperately to hold on.. you know now.. it will never go away.. this feeling.. but the pain is nearly gone now.. he makes it all go away.. this time he goes.. you say goodbye with a smile on your face.. wait until he's gone until the tears spill out.. but in a way you are content.. you take a deep breath.. the air has changed.. you can taste it on your tongue..Now a new chapter starts.. You have to choose.. do you want to close the book..? or keep on writing.. it's your choice now..
And you just sit and wonder.. Is it time for letting go..?
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