Broken

Broken.. what does being broken mean?? Everyone has been broken in their life. Everyone has been through that unbearable pain.. Everyone has had their trust crumbled and thrown to the ground leaving them oh so vulnerable.. but what exactly does that mean? Is that pain bound to change ur outlook on life? Bound to change u? It must be. How can u still believe with the same purity in something that made u fold to the ground crying yourself to sleep so many nights? Love, trust.. such sacred words, such effort to built them and believe in them when all it takes is a moment for them to turn to dust.. a word, an action. A fraction of a second is all it takes for years of effort to disappear in thin air.. and where does all that trust and love go after that? Is it possible to build it all again? Isn't it like trying to build a house of cards when the wind is gushing around u, spinning the cards around as if in a tornado? A tornado yes.. that's what it's like! Like a tornado has passed through.. lifting everything, your whole life and ideology in the air and spinning it around, until everything you knew is scattered all over the fucking place.. leaving u dumbstruck without the faintest idea of how to put everything back where it belongs.
And just like that, you're broken. Does that mean you can't be fixed? And how do you know if you can be fixed again? Do you need help? Or is it something you have to accomplish alone? So many questions.. so little answers..
For me.. it's like an impossible task. For me.. my faith, trust,  Love isn like a house of cards.. the smallest of movement,  the calmest breeze can ruin it all over again. Am I so broken that my pieces have turned into fragments?  The fragments into to dust?  Impossible to put together again? Will I ever be able to love in the same way I did?  Do I even want to? So much effort put into something so fragile.. so much of myself I have already given away, I kept too little for myself.. I know it was my mistake but how could I deny myself the gift of love, at least once in my life.. My dear I was so young.  How was I to know of the terrible terrible outcome?  Was it to be expected?  It must have been.. it was a love so fierce it burned out by it's own intensity..
Is it wrong that I am thankful?  Thankful for living it? Fond of those excruciatingly painful memories? Is it wrong that I visit them for comfort?  Yes.. as crazy as it sounds they give me comfort.. they are my incentive to try.. to continue giving away my broken pieces in hope that they won't be abused again.. and I do try.. Broken or not I put a smile on my face, and I go on.. walking down my lonely road as always.. I dream.. bigger than before.. I have to believe that something better will come along because if I don't I shall crumble to the ground once again with no ability to get back up..
How twisted is it that what broke you.. might be the only thing keeping you together?
It's a riddle to hard to solve.. life.. it can be harsh.. it can be brutally harsh.. that's what I've come to realize.. it gives you something wonderful only to take it away from you again.. you experience bliss, moments before you feel the pain.. as if to make it more intense..
 The ironic part is that you actually need to experience this kind of loss and pain.. because it makes you stronger..
Am I stronger because of what I lost?  I don't feel stronger.. I don't feel weaker.. if anything, I feel..lost.. Yes.. I feel lost.. and how do I find my way again.. Am I to go blind and with no directions? Is their another lesson waiting for me down the road? Can I take a another bullet to the heart?
Broken.. we are all broken.. waiting for someone to repair us.. maybe we're irreparable.. maybe we're not as broken as we think. Maybe it's fear that turns us into cynics.. maybe we don't even know how afraid we are so we convince ourselves we've changed.. maybe deep down we are exactly the same person we were.. no.. how can that be possible? It is not.  But fear does end up leading our paths.. we need to gain powered over that fear instead of letting it gain more power over us..
I come to the conclusion, I'm not afraid..I have nothing left to lose so what is there to fear.. the pain? I managed to shove it away in the back of my mind before.. I can do it again.. i got up when I fell.. I can do it again.. you think it feels like you're in hell?  Well I made hell my home not my punishment.. it's more fun burning there.. I snuggle with my demons.. I don't fight them.. they are good company.. so if hell is what I may experience again.. then to hell with that shit. It's an experience I look forward to.. maybe I'm unbreakable after being broken to many times..
Maybe..