New year..

As another year slowly comes to an end.. it's funny the things u reminiscence.. people, moments, tastes, smells.. little things etched deep in ur mind.. some things u miss,  some you're glad are over..

The memories are scattered.. I remember vaguely the joyful moments as the painfull ones are etched deeper in my mind..  

I remember.. your smell on the t-shirts I always used to wear.. I remember your playful remarks that u have no clothes left for I have taken them all.. which in all honesty was true.. I remember your smile.. so playful and boyish.. contagious.. I couldn't help but smile when u smiled at me.. I remember those secret looks u used to give me filled with emotion.. I remember ur voice.. I loved hearing ur voice.. it was  gentle.. so beautiful.. I still hear ur voice in the back of my mind in every song u used to sing to me.. I remember how much I loved to hear u sing.. always nagging u to get ur guitar out and sing me a song.. Oh how excited I got when the songs you would sing were the songs u wrote yourself.. but you were shy as I recall, preserved when it came to ur music.. just like I was with my writing.. we used to make deal as I remember.. u sing me your song I'll show you something I've written.. you knew already most of it was about you.. 

I remember the sweet things you said.. one by one.. as if it was only yesterday I heard them.. 

There is a smile on my lips as I recall that night when you took my hand and we danced,  blues, on the balcony under the moonlight like idiots in the middle of a cold cold winter..  

I fondly prod my mind further and remember those endless sleepless nights we spent talking about anything and everything.. the fights that ended in kisses.. the playful banter..

And then I remember that final week.. the one before u left.. mixed feelings of love and sorror.. crying lots of crying.. you started packing your things and quickly shoving everything in bags as if to get out as quick as you can.. I was crying on the bed looking helplessly at you saying nothing, while my mind was screaming at you to stay.. you came and sat right next to me and asked me why I was crying...  I never told you.. I took your hand as you got up to leave and pulled you into a hug.. and I will never forget what you said. Two simple little words that cracked my heart a little bit  more.. you said 'thank you' and I cried harder.. we spent a long week saying goodbye.. I went with you to the bus stop.. I cried some more. I let go of your hand as you got on the bus.. and then.. total darkness.. it surrounded me as I cried myself to sleep night after night and pulled me deeper each day..
That's a period of time I've burried deep in my mind..
You came back.. only to leave again.. this time I waved goodbye with a smile.. and that was the end.. I know.. we shared some moments after that.. but it was never the same.. it was not until recently I came to realize.. it all ended that night at the bus stop although I chose not to see it..
I closed that chapter of my life.. and like to think I let it behind me.. although memories still creep into my mind as that familiar feeling of longing comes back to haunt me..
But you were not the only chapter in my left that left me longing for more..
The setting in my mind changes as if in a movie.. it's summertime I'm saying goodbye to my best friend as I wave her off.. and I say hello to you.. a stranger at the time.. you're cute although I hardly notice.. not my type.. not my style.. we talk for a long while laying in the floor, as you bombard me with questions about anything and everything.. you smiled a lot.. you made me smile a lot.. you made me forget for a while.. of him.. we came closer over the next few days.. I remember feeling.. hopeful.. of a new beginning.. you made me forget of so much pain.. you were so sweet.. so different.. it was that which I found so attractive.. your caring nature mingled with a stranger manliness.. I fell in love again I think.. I can't be sure of my own feelings yet.. not after all that happened.. from you I recall you're laugh, smile, jokes..  your way of making me feel good again.. and though it hasn't worked out so far.. I will never forget how you made me..forget.. I'm grateful though you may never know.. I still hope you would take that leap of faith and speak your mind at last..
My mind wonders elsewhere.. to the fun I had with my friends.. to my new friends.. some of which I hold dearly in my heart.. to the new places I went to.. to the many things I learned.. drunken stupors and laughing fits.. New doors opening and many closing behind me..
A whole year went by once again.. it feels like an eon..  i know it's a cliche.. the whole new year new me crap.. but I have to believe something better is coming.. not a new shelf.. a new experience.. New friends.. New loves.. a whole new adventure.. that's what I want.. so I go back in my mind one last time.. and close that door nailing it shut.. it's time to open a new door.. come what may.. a new chapter must begin..