Two years ago everything was falling apart. I had no purpose whatsoever and I was basically lost. Then I met someone who made me chase my dreams. An influential girl and a night of passionate stares that ended abruptly. So I tried doing what I always did best, talk to my parents about my big dream of becoming a successful lawyer. I had a bulletproof plan, as always. This plan did not go my way like every other bulletproof plan I ever had. I introduced this new private foundation course I had to go in order to get accepted in a UK university. It was quite expensive so In the end of my presentation I said: ''If you don't want to support me on this, I understand''. My mother decided to go in favor of my idea. My father on the other hand, not so much. Useless and completely stupid were two of the really nice words I heard when he started talking. He told me things that I would never say even to my worst enemy. But, you know me. Every new stupid hardship is a new lesson. A story to become better or worse. The conversation ended in a blink of an eye when I started talking back to my father and in the end saying that I hope he dies alone. Yeah, I know. Dark and harsh. I don't care to be honest. He was never there for me and I don't need him to be. I am and I will continue to be indifferent in any opinion he has or will ever have for me. With my mother working in three different jobs for me I decided to put all my effort in that and pass in a university. Long story short I nailed it and here I am. After 2 years I'm completely incompetent to do anything to control my life. I accepted that too and adopted a more positive view in my life. No one has over control, bad things happen and the best thing someone can do is to be positive and hope for the best. However, I can't help it and keep a realistic part of myself alive. My marks were thrown under the bridge with the whole homeless thing. An interruption of studies is the best thing I can do right now, I thought. I prefer to graduate with good grades and do a resit of year 2 than not having a chance to a law career at all.
My job doesn't have normal work hours to be honest. Sometimes I work in the morning for 8 hours and sometimes I work till 4 in the morning. That means I got a long time to think and contemplate my life. I was walking after work, extremely tired with a brain working overtime for no reason, thinking of stuff I did not want to think. A thought passed through for a second and stayed for 5 days now. I don't think I have a chance to be a successful lawyer like I wanted to. The harsh reality hit me hard. Slapped me like the little bitch I am. I have 0% chance of becoming even the half of what I wanted to be. My grades are bad, I had no training contract in my second year, I never volunteered in the UK while everyone else has an awesome story of their gap year or their volunteering in different organisations. I have none of the skills required or the will to volunteer. Sixteen hours shifts are time consuming, obviously. What should I do now? It's not like I want to plan my every move anymore but I really need a plan on how to react to these new problems.
Working was one solution. Yet, I couldn't fix everything just by working. I needed a new room so I can sleep in peace without the stress of a random landlord appearing out of nowhere and kicking me out of the already empty room I left. I could face jail time in the worst case scenario. Thus, I decided to message a great friend of mine with a cool proposition. If I could afford a ring I would propose for fun but I can't. So, I asked her if she wanted to move to a new house with me and share rent so we could both do something good with our lives. She wanted to move out of her house and I needed to find a new room. Mutually beneficial and great because we are like the male and female versions of each other. She said yes, a thousand times yes and so the search for a new house began. The house search is still in progress as well as a new job search which is the biggest obstacle. You can easily find a new house but finding a job can be a difficult challenge.
The difference between goals and dreams in my opinion is that dreams are something you always wanted to do but never had the chance or something that you believe you can't do. A goal on the other hand is the exact opposite. It's a situation that you are confident that you will succeed long or short term such as a promotion. So I decided to pursue my second dream. Become a police detective (distant laughter). Yeah, I know it's quite ridiculous but I always wanted to be a detective since I was a kid. My first dream being of course studying law wasn't actually a dream but more like a goal that I chose based on the limits and skills I had 2 years ago. So I came up with two new plans. The first part is the same for both plans. Find a new house, have a great roommate and work my ass off to save some money. The second part is different. The first choice I have is to continue my studies after the interruption of studies ends, graduate with meh grades and by meh I mean mediocre grades and apply to join the police force or to try and apply for the police force before the interruption ends and see how it goes. I need two years of training before even applying to the criminal investigation body of the police so that means that I really don't have much time to spare. Before actually getting accepted in the police force I need to pass physical and reasoning tests. The reasoning tests are not that difficult but I'm not fit at all. Running for thirty minutes and running up and down the stairs can be quite challenging when you haven't been at the gym for almost a year. However these things can be changed and I can improve myself with a dose of determination. I guess time will show. One thing I can say for sure is that I am going to graduate from law school one way or another.
Back to dreams and goals. Another big difference between them is that dreams can be put on hold until the time is right and it is really good to be able to differentiate when something must be done or not. There is a risk when you put your dreams on hold though. You tend to forget them and store them in a little box in your mind and never open that box again. I always believed that people need dreams. Even if they are straight up impossible. We need them to be able to get out of bed every morning and have a purpose. Something to push us to become better in life. Relationships work the same way and that is the reason why humans are such social beings. Loneliness is nice but when you are with someone you are a part of something bigger. You stop being one and you have more responsibilities. Someone is counting on you for something small or big. You become a member of a team that you chose to invest time and even worse (sarcasm) feelings. If time is money imagine how important the investment of feelings is.
To sum up, never stop chasing your dreams. Even if they are crazy or everyone is against them. Don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. We shape our future and destiny. Just don't murder anyone because then I will have to chase you down and bring you in.
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