Why would someone waste such a perfect opportunity, you might ask. How can someone be that stupid. Unfortunately I don't have the answers for these questions. I was immature I guess. I couldn't understand how relationships work and overestimated myself thinking that I actually knew stuff. After one great year of peace and love I broke up with her for the reason that I did not think that I was worthy of her. Every Time I saw her I felt bad. Never understood why. From overestimating to extremely under estimating myself. Every Time I met her I could see how great she was, how she deserved something better that me. An average guy of pretty average beauty that 90% of any man out there could easily surpass anything I would do. These were my thoughts while breaking up with her.
-Tell me the truth Nick. I don't buy this cliche stuff. What is the real reason? She shouted through her tears.
Funny thing, that was the real reason. It wasn't an excuse to get rid of her or anything like that. That was the exact reason. I was no good and I could never be good. Well, not as good as I had to be to reach her level at least.
-It's for your own good. You are going to find a great guy, who will make you so happy because you really deserve the best and I am not the best. I said trying to convince her.
The crying stopped. She was looking at me with a mix of curiosity and shock. It was more like, what the actual fuck are you talking about to be honest. I guess she couldn't comprehend how someone could consider himself so low and I totally understand that. Even I don't get me sometimes how could she?
She stood there, staring at me with her curious eyes for a minute.
-Ok then leave. Leave now please. Leave and never come back. She told me in a really sharp voice.
I did exactly what she asked me to. I left and never came back. Never talked to her again, never called her never messaged her. There is another cliche I was thinking about while hurting her. I never meant to hurt her. I wanted the best for her. She actually got it after a year or two. A great guy that loved her more than anything and she was extremely happy. I guess my plan was a success and I was actually right. I am just kidding of course. I had no plan. I just knew that I am not good enough. I was immature to be in a relationship with her but I was mature enough to judge what was the best for her even if that meant that I had to say the phrase I hated the most which is of course ''this is for your own good''. However, I was right. I never doubted my choice. I knew she would find someone who is cool and great and all that. She was intelligent after all. Different.
How do I know all these though? Well, I'm not a stalker. I don't like facebook that much to stalk someone. She messaged me after 2 years. I was really surprised for a moment. The message of course was a small declaration of independence. Quite sarcastic but I deserved every single word in that message.
''Thank you for making me understand. Thank you for breaking up with me and showing me that I really deserved better than you. Thank you because if it wasn't for you I might never have met the love of my life. You were a great lesson and I will never forget what you did for me. Take care of yourself and I hope you will find someone as good as you. You are great Nick, never forget that. Yours faithfully, E".
Oh, the mixed feelings I had while reading this. I didn't know if she was making fun of me or being honest and actually thanking me. I was glad she was happy despite that. I was really glad I made the right choice for once. For once I was selfless and I started to understand what loving someone is like. Unconditionally of course. There are many forms of love. I always believed this. Some forms are straight up crazy obsessive and possessive. Other are calm and unconditional. The third category is the in between. Where you have some parts of the craziness in a level that you can tolerate while keeping the calmness of the second category. Love is not perfect. Humans are not perfect. Yet you can make them perfect with your love. Everyday can't be perfect. Every dinner won't be a candle lit one. You might fight to the limit that you can't even scream or get bored of each other. A great relationship has everything in it. Salt and pepper. You have to be same and different at the same time. However the more people I ask about this opinion I have the more I hear that you have to be 90% same in order for a relationship to be successful. Seems like my opinion is the exact opposite of the popular belief about relationships but I will always believe it. Mostly because I think that no one can be 90% the same with a total stranger that they met and decided that they liked him or her enough to have a relationship. Hell, I'm not even 90% same with my sister.
So, no more dancing for Nick. No more eating with someone else. Back to being alone by choice I guess. I didn't even know what I was feeling at that point. Was it sadness or happiness? Fear of loneliness or the nostalgia of it? Well it was my choice and I had to respect it even if I was hurt. You see, sometimes people think that they ''own'' someone. It seems like a really harsh term but I will explain. Imagine someone you really loved but now it's over. You got over it after a certain point and you were complete with your life. You might even had a new S.O. Then one day somebody told you that your ex is also quite happy. Some people feel jealous for no reason or angry. It just happens. It may be for a second, a minute or even a month and a year. If it is the last two it is kinda bad. That means you are not over it yet. If it is the first two you are fine. The brain is a tricky little bastard sometimes. That's why I got somewhat jealous too. A little bit. Then I felt good because I wanted her to be happy and that was it. Mistakes were made and lessons were learned or learnt. Whatever floats your boat.
The moral of the story is learning when to let go and when to fight. When to obsess over someone and when to delete that person from your mind.
Love might be war but in this war sometimes the medal of valor goes to the person that knows when to walk away from the fight and never look back.
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