Confusion..

Confusion, such a messy emotion. Feeling lost, trampled over by the heavy hooves of your feelings. Tangled feelings, like delicate threads of an intricate pattern your trying and failing to create with perfection. Such a juxtaposed concept I know.
Heavy but delicate, weak but strong, happy but sad. Confused. Confusion, overpowering, all consuming confusion.
Feelings upon feelings, ideas upon ideas spinning round and round in my head like a roundabout that has been spun one too many times.  It's like standing in the middle of a forest, an overgrown forest.  The thick moss covering every inch of the tall ever present trees, making them identical to one another, the ground covered in wild growth masking your footsteps. The large long branches blend with one another full of green fluff and leaves creating a dark cloud of dread blocking the sunbeams from shedding some light.  And there in the middle of that sticky darkness you stand alone. Looking around for an escape route .  But you stand there as in you've grown roots yourself. The funny thing is, it's not the lack of a possible way out that keeps you rooted to the same exact spot. No, no it's the opposite
 Too many possibilities. Everywhere you look there is a pathway leading somewhere.  It could lead further in the forest, or it could lead the way out. Or it could lead to a wonderful waterfall right there in the middle of the forest. Or even a clifftop from where you can see the whole world, or so it seems. They say if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. But how willing are you to take a step in the unknown. And if you don't know where or how you want to end up, then how will you know if the path you chose is the right one. Is there even a right path? All roads lead you somewhere, but what if you end up lost in the middle of nowhere again? How will you find your way if you keep getting lost along it?
At one point you just give up trying to find the way out. You settle for an in-between. An in-between happy and sad. You settle for what you have and forget what you need.  You opt for safety over risk.  And then you sit an ponder over when you became the scared person you now are. When did fear get in the way of accomplishment? When did mind over heart become the way to go. A head filled with ideas, a heart filled with dreams hopes and aspirations. A person filled with love and carefree happiness can't just settle. I can't just settle for being stuck. Not lost, stuck as if I stepped in quicksand that is now keeping me locked in position and slowly burying me in asfixiating darkness. All I see around me are identical towering trees, everyday a repeat of sense numbing nothingness. I want to take a step forward but my legs can't seem to follow my brains commands. My limbs limp and unmoving. My mind racing. My thoughts cloudy like the sky of green above me.
Confusion. Overbearing confusion about what to do next.  Fear. Stupid loathing fear that's paralysing me. When did I come to fear my next step.  I loved dipping my feet in the pool of unknown.
All my feelings are on standby, I need something to kick-start them into movement. Change. I need a wild, stupid change. A glimpse of my old self.  Love, passion, laughter even tears.
My feet start aching, but that only means I feel them again. The numbness is slowly subsiding. And while I stare around me I contemplate my choices. So many pathways, so many choices. All leading me to different directions. All appealing and unappealing in their own way. Which way to go? As I take a deep breath and exhale in a foggy puff I close my eyes. I start spinning, round and round in circles. Round and round until I'm out of breath and dizzy. Round and round until I don't know which way is east north south or west.  Until I don't know where I stood a minute ago. That's when I take an unsteady step forward. Deep into the unknown. Intoxicated by the fear that grips my insides.  Compelled by adventure. I take another step, then another, faster and faster. I run away without looking back breaking the bonds that kept me rooted. And that's the end, or maybe the beginning. That's up to u and me to figure out.